I Need Help

It ain't over till it's over.

I got a comment from a mother last night and I commented back to her. But I need help. Please share your advice and stories of hope here on this post in a comment for her. I am going to reprint her comment. Share your words and love with this mother.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE AN ADDICT IN RECOVERY, please take her hand.

 Anonymous said...

I am a mother of three young sons and I am an addict.. I started off by taking a pill here and there to "perk" me up at work in the afternoons and didn't think anything of it until I started taking them in the mornings as well , it wasn't long before I needed them to get up in the morning and function! Now here I am 5 yrs into this hell . I wish to god I had never touched one!! My life is ruined.. I have tried to quit soooo many times only to go back because the withdrawal is pure hell!! I wouldn't wish this on anyone.... I wish I could go back to feeling normal emotions without anything in my system , all I want is to be naturally happy like I used to be . I was such a happy person just naturally happy but I have ruined my brain now so I am literally incapable of feeling "normal" . I don't want to be high just comfortable in my skin but its imposible for me . I blame myself not my parents no one is to blame but me...I have ruined my life...It's over I will never ever be normal again .....

I don't know if it is the same person but here is another comment to a different post from last night too.

Dear Dad and Mom ,
I am an addict... I have been reading your blog and I thank you for not "throwing" your son away and instead trying to understand his illness. I am ashamed , embarrased that I did this to myself. I'm sorry I have ruined my life .I hate living with this shameful secret of mine I am exhausted just pretending I'm happy . Once you mess with that part of your brain you can't fix it you see...I have so many regrets....I wish I could turn back time and said no ....but It's too late unfortunately just way too late...

Something Different For Me

I have been ask to be a guest on a HuffPost live show event tomorrow 4/17 about addiction. The host is Alicia Menendez. http://live.huffingtonpost.com I have to get my computer set up in the morning and they are doing a pre-interview. Tryout I guess. The show is 2:30-3:00 EST.

A Few Early Sunday Morning Random Thoughts

At times I find myself talking and thinking about addiction as an actual thing not as a condition or disease. I think of it in a first person sense. It's almost as if I allow it to become the person. I allow myself to give over a person to a condition and that makes the person less of a person and elevates a disease to more.

I am guilty of allowing addiction to define my son. I am the worst offender. There was a time I interchanged "my son" and "my addict". That was not meant as being disrespectful it was just a statement of fact or condition at the time.

When was the last time we heard a parent refer to their child with cancer or diabetes as their cancer kid or their diabetic?

Changing subject, suboxone or methadone is controversial even in the recovery community. How many of you have heard someone say, "If they are using suboxone then they aren't really clean"? Many times we think of suboxone or other treatments even 12 step programs as something addicts should or could be weaned from after a period of time. Yep, guilty here of these thoughts too. But yet, I would never ask a parent or think that a child with diabetes should be weaned off of insulin. I would never think of an adult diabetic as weak because they still treat their disease with another chemical. When someone has heart disease do we chastise them when they eat healthy and exercise? "Oh it's OK, you haven't had an "episode" for years, why don't you just give up that healthy lifestyle? This health kick is like a religion to you." It's not our place to judge. What works for one my not be the best for all. What works is what works.

Final thoughts, we had a mini-Alex spend the night with us last night. Friday night we had Brooke and Owen, last night we had Tyler. A weekend of grandkids. Great visits but I know why women's baby makers shut down at a certain age. Raising babies when you are in your mid-fifties seems a lot harder then when you are in your 20's and early 30's. But, I wouldn't trade the smiles and non-stop activity for anything in the world. Tyler is a mini-Alex. His mannerisms are just like Alex when he was that age. He is very inquisitive and a boy that loves being loved. Like wanting to sit right next to you when watching a movie or grabbing your finger and taking you to the door when he wants to play outside on the swing set.

Here is mom getting camera happy while Ty and I were chilling and watching the movie Brave last night. Alex would sit just like this while he watched Bambi, his favorite movie at that age.

Today is Alex's Birthday

Today Alex turns 25 years old.

I know none of you are watching me write this but I'll share a little writers inside secret. After I wrote that first sentence it was hard to even touch the keyboard. Just a long moment of nothing but appreciation. A silent recognition of the significance this day means.

Birthdays come and go, it is a good thing. When we cease to age, that is a bad thing.

I still think back to a story I told a couple years ago about being in rehab with Alex six years ago. Happy Birthday to my Son  How can something seems to be so long ago and yet also seem just like yesterday? Guess it has something to do with how much of an impact an action has on one's life.

For today everything in the past is "so long ago". Today is for appreciation and reflection of the good and grace I have been given on this day.

Happy Birthday, Son

What Do I Wish I Had Done

More than a couple weeks ago I got an e-mail from a mother telling me about her son. Similar situations that we have all experienced. She had done this and done that trying to help. Now she was scared she was going to lose her son.

She ask me a simple question about what should she do now. She ask what do I wish I had done differently?

That is a tricky question. Or, some may even say it is a trick question. Looking for the silver bullet has been every parents quest that I have spoken too. It was my quest for several years.

That troubling question has caused me much thought since she wrote. I answer every e-mail I receive in some way or another. Many times I feel I just have no answer that is adequate but sometimes the answer that best fits is simply, "I understand, you are not alone."

"What do I wish I had done differently?" First thing I thought of was all of those little things and big things that I feel would have made a difference. Might even have prevented this nightmare. That was my first thought and I threw in some answers I hoped would help. But, my answers troubled me. After a few weeks of deliberation I am satisfied with a different answer.

I would have learned to listen. This is not an easy thing for a parent to do.

I've spent years chronicling our family experiences on this blog. Written about what I have learned and how we screwed up. There is nothing original, I just had to experience for myself and draw my own conclusions.

I would have learned to listen to my son. What does an addicted person really have to say worth listening too? All along through his words and actions he told me there was nothing I could do to fix him. Although, as a parent I knew it was my job to fix my son. That's what parents do, we fix things. Years of trying to fix him even through he was telling me not too try.

I would have learned to listen to counselors and parents. Listening is very different than searching for answers. Getting answers to questions or "what to do" solutions assume that there is a single answer or methodology that will awaken not just you but also your addicted loved one from this nightmare.

I would have learned to listen to my own internal struggles about what I am told. What have I heard, what do I feel, why am I scared? Emotional reactions was a result of unresolved internal struggles.

I would have learned to listen to my heart and my head. Most of the time one or the other would win out. Listening to my heart is what tells me where there is life there is hope. My heart allows me to love someone that by all accounts seems to be unloveable. In my head I know all of the realities of addiction. Heart and head is not a win/lose struggle. Hearts and head can actually work together. It is possible for your heart to accept that my son may die. It is also possible for the head to grasp that there may not be an answer for addiction and loving for just today is all you get.

Listening is hard. No one loves your child like you do. Since they were babies you fed them, changed them, raised them and provided for their every need. Listening to someone or anything is hard when loving and caring for them has always been instinct.

What do I wish I had done differently? I wish I had learned how to listen sooner in my life.

1000's of Words

Over the course of this blog there has been thousands of words put to screen by me, not including thousands more by commenter's. I have reached that point I am stuck. Maybe it's called writers block or something like that but it's not really like that. I know what I want to say but I cannot come up with the right string of words to convey my message. This probably won't be neat and clean and many re-writes may be required but here goes.

When Alex stopped using there was a level of fear and suspicion that I am sure all of you understand. Yea sure, a familiar phrase, I've heard this before. Days turned into weeks, weeks morphed into months and months grew to years. The memories of horror and fear will never leave me but a comfort and peace has taken over in my mind. A new mantra has entered my life, "All things are possible."

The hard part is telling someone how I feel when I see Alex in comparison to what seems to be so long ago now. A simple one line post I wrote July 12, 2010 is a benchmark from where I start, "It is not good. With what is going on it probably won't be long." At that point I was so heartbroken and despondent that I couldn't even come up with a title, the title of the post was simply, "Untitled".

Today my son is a man, a father and a person I am proud to know and call my son. Sometimes I catch myself simply staring at him, it is as if I cannot believe I have been given more time with him. He did this and allowed us to all see what he can be instead of what we feared. I wish I knew better how to say what I really feel.

I'm not a good writer, I just throw words out about how I feel and what I think. I am at that point I don't know how to string the words together that adequately describe how I feel today about my son. So I just have to leave to you all to guess and try to imagine. I know some of you are experiencing this too with your sons and daughters, clear and sober where you never truly believed it could be possible. Maybe you can send me the words or help me because I am stuck.

To those parents that are still struggling I say never give up hope but place your hope where it belongs, not on them but on yourself. Where there is life there is hope. All things are possible. My hope lies with you, your poor sick children and your loved ones.

Partnership Post

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has published another one of my essays. Regular readers will recognize this one about Does Relapse Mean Failure that was on the blog not long ago. However, there is a very good reason you should check it out again.

As a followup to my essay the Staff at The Partnership wrote a very good piece on The Five Things You Need To Know About Relapse.

Please, take a minute to review these essays.

All Over The World

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a parent just as I do most days. I am so glad today that I posted my e-mail on our blog long ago. I never tire of getting e-mails from parents and I answer each one in some way. That has resulted in some writing many times and we share our trials on line and even some people I have met here locally. The single common denominator is our love for our children and desperation to do something about addiction and alcoholism.

These letters come from all over the world. I have written people in South Africa, New Zealand, Europe, Pakistan, South America Australia and many, many other places.

Yesterday I received an e-mail came from a mum in Australia. She told the story of her son and their life. She gave me permission to reprint her letter and it is below. I print this because we all need to understand that in this battle none of us are alone. No matter if we are sitting next to someone at a meeting, sharing hugs with a relative, answering an anonymous e-mail or sharing with someone on the other side of the world, we are not alone in this mess.

This is an epidemic the world over.

Good Luck Julie, all my best wishes for your family and your son. Where there is life there is hope. We have shared a few e-mails, feel free to write any time.

Dear Ron

  I have come across your blog on the net and have been reading your past blogs.  
Our son, Andrew is 24years and other than me being "mum" not mom things are 
pretty much the same over here for our family in Australia. There is so little 
help over here and in our National news this week they are telling us young 
Australians are up in the biggest Drug users in the world statistics. It is so 
wonderful to read your feelings that almost mirror mine and to know I am not 
alone!  We have been struggling with Andrew's drug addiction for 7 years and I 
think if only I had written it all down...this roller coaster ride that we 
co-inhabit with our son.  he is living in our family home, on a methadone 
program and I think just maybe he has reached the stage of not enjoying the drug 
life and it does not give him any happiness anymore. He struggles with recovery 
and relapses are common.  We are a middle class family with two sons, Andrew is 
our youngest. He started with pot at 15 years and was an A grade student up 
until this time. He has also been a poly drug user and has even taken to 
misusing his methadone dose and injecting it.  There are very few rehabs in 
Queensland where we live, and almost all of them are 12 steps based. Total 
abstinence is impossible with him using the methadone and god knows if he will 
ever be able to stop. Trying to find a detox unit to coordinate with rehab is 
almost impossible. Andrew has been admitted to every private hospital in 
Brisbane and in every case has had himself excluded for misusing drugs whilst a 
patient.  He went to a rehab down the Coast and was clean for 9 months!! He 
entered their halfway house program and started using again Then he came back 
home to us and we live this never ending nightmare. Fortunately he has not been 
to jail, I think our system is somewhat different to yours.  Each court case he 
has managed to evade prison somehow and does not have a record which could be 
good if he does decide to get clean one day as he will be able to gain 
employment. However i sometimes feel it may have been better for Andrews 
recovery as so much help is given to them in jail. It is so true the 
codependency addicts families develop. My husband is the classic enabler and how 
our 32 year marriage is still intact is a wonder! All of the feelings you 
describe the hatred, the frustration, the sadness, the disappointment, the utter 
helplessness is everything that we feel.  We cannot see a way out at all and 
wonder will it ever end? Or will he end up dead our greatest fear of all!
 
 Anyway Ron I just wanted to say thank you to you and your wife for your blog 
as it has given me hope and I don't feel quite as alone now.. Thankyou both so 
much.

Julie

St. Patrick's Day Parade

Tomorrow is St. Patricks Day and for the second year we are going to be riding in the parade. Duane my brother-in-law once again entered his Army truck in the parade and we all get to ride in the back or walk along side.

Last year the weather was great, this year it is suppose to be cold, windy and up to 2" of snow is predicted to fall during the parade. It takes more that cold and snow to keep us down. The parade must go on!

If you are in KC and at the parade we are entry number 66. Big Army truck filled with fools. Give a shout out to us!

St. Patricks Day 2012

Speaking To Students, AGAIN

This is an open invitation to anyone in the KC area or for that matter anywhere that wishes to hear me speak with high school students I am speaking again at Basehor Linwood High School on this Thursday and Friday mornings.

A great teacher, Susan Mayberry, once again invited me to speak to her students and tell our story. If you wish to join me please contact me through a comment or e-mail. Susan and I will make the arrangements where you sit in a classroom with 30 high school students and try to show them that this monster is real and is stalking them.

If you are a teacher or administrator in a school and want me to share my story with your students please write. We CAN make this happen together. Come see what happens on Thursday or Friday.

ps.: If this week is bad I'll be at Shawnee Mission West High School on May 3rd all day, another great teacher, Mary Hedges knows what this means for her students too.

I Drugged My Dog

I made an appointment at the veterinarian on Saturday for our dog Lexi. She had been showing signs of pain in her hips and seeing that she is a Golden Retriever and they are known for bad hips we were hoping for the best.

We got the best news nothing serious other than she is carrying to much weight. Like that's a surprise living in our house. LOL The doctor said to get about 15-20 pounds off of her and she would probably be OK. However, to help with the pain he gave her a prescription of Tramadol. That would help her with the pain and make her more active to lose weight faster.

He explained to me that Tramadol is an opiate based pain reliever. Flags, bells, and whistles began going off in my mind. I must have been pretty obvious because he then explained that Tramadol can make people "somewhat goofy" but those effects are rarely seen in dogs.

When I got home I dosed Lexi as he instructed. She got sleepy and slept for 24 hours. She got up once to go out and pee and she fell over walking to the door. I OD'ED MY DOG!!!

I visited the vet this morning and he told me to cut the dosage in half.

Guess this goes to show that drugs have a linear affect in families. In reality Lexi is actually Alex's dog. We got Lexi for him on his 16th birthday. OMG!!!

Come Out Of The Dark

Since January 6 of this year I know of three sons and daughters that have died from addiction. A terrible reality of this disease. 2 of these family's suffered with this disease alone.

The stigma of addiction still to this day creates shame for many. It is hard to face friends and family. For whatever the reason so many suffer through this alone. Parents cry together privately and smile in public. All the while a monster is stalking their child and invading their life.

In the United States every 19 minutes another person dies from addiction. This isn't our dirty little secret. This is an elephant in the room. Take off the mask. Monsters live in the dark and secrecy is the fuel for growth.

I'm not chastising anyone that can only deal with this in private. However I am telling you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Suffering from addiction or suffering because a loved one is addicted is a given, suffering alone is not helpful for anyone.

I started this blog anonymously. I wrote about our issues but I left our names on the sideline. Today we are very public. Darlene and I decided to go public when Alex was still using. Taking off the covers was the best thing we ever did. It freed us to seek help, it freed us be open, but must most of all it freed us to accept the love and help from all of you.

Again

The monster stole another poor child. Two parents are heartbroken and sick. This morning a friend text me that his friends daughter died last night at 8:30. He has been friends with and known her dad and mom since high school. So young and so pretty.

I hate this shit.

Partnership Initiatives

As many of you know a few years ago The Partnership at Drugfree.org ask me to write essays for them to post on the Intervene page of their website.  A while later they ask me if I would be interested in volunteering to be a Parent Ambassador which I accepted. One reader, who shall remain nameless at this time (B.L.), reminded me that "ass" was the center of ambassador. So naturally I felt honored and was completely qualified for the task.

There are two initiatives that The Partnership is involved in now and I would encourage any of you that read my blog to consider.

The first is the National Parent Network. This is an evolution of the Parent Ambassador program. Here is the basics of this program and if you are interested please e-mail Becky. She is the Regional Director of this initiative.

Are you a parent and have a personal experience with teen substance abuse? Would you have time to volunteer your wisdom and expertise to help other families touched by teen drug and alcohol use? If so, please contact Becky Vance, Regional Director of the National Parent Network, (becky_vance@drugfree.org), let us know why you’d like to help, and learn how you can join our National Parent Network.

Another program in which I have taken part is the National Hope Share. It is about sharing your story in order for everyone, addict or loved one to know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this world of addiction, there are people to help. If you are able please share your story. "Your story can change someone else's."  The Hope Share

Surprised and Overwhelmed

On Saturday we went to visit my brother. His health issues are still front and center. It's not good. Not much to say beyond that, if you smoke, STOP. Stop now, stop today, NO MORE.

When we got home about midnight and pulled into our driveway I get the evil eye from Mom. There were boxes sitting on our front porch. That's not a good thing for me. When I order tools online for my wood shop boxes would appear on our front porch, then I had explaining to do about how I HAD to have this latest gadget or tool.

Immediately I got defensive. "I didn't order anything!" (besides I have learned when I order something now I get it delivered to the office and I can sneak it to the basement.)

Bringing the boxes in the house they were from ProFlowers. A reader in TX that I had answered a couple personal e-mails and spoke on the phone to once sent us flowers. After the day we had with my brother it was quite special to find a box of roses all multiple colors waiting for you. I really don't have the words to express how special that was and what it meant to us at midnight on Saturday.

The second box was addressed to Alex and Kristy. We took them down to their house on Sunday morning. More roses and chocolates congratulating them on their engagement. It's hard to floor them two but they were taken back also. Alex's first question was "Why?" Second was, "How is their son, is he still getting high?" At that time I didn't know so I just said, "I don't know." Alex just slumped down and shook his head. That said more than enough for me.

To a special Father and Mother who shall remain nameless here. Thank you very much and our every wish is that one day your son will seek recovery and you will feel the joy and gratitude only the parent of an addict can experience.

Does Relapse Mean Failure?

He relapsed, does that mean he failed? HELL YES, over and over the same old crap!!! Won't he ever GET IT???!!! Expressed by a father of an addict, me.

No, no, no, this isn't a rant of today. Everything is still good. These are the words that still echo in the walls of our home.

This is the question posed by another person I regularly read. Here is Joe's link: Changing Lives Foundation

We all evolve and learn in the process of parenting an addict. When I first entered this world my way of thinking was cut and dried. You either did it or you didn't. If you didn't you failed. Learning is hard. Conceptually we see it every day. Especially for you parents that are teachers in school. It's all so easy if they would only listen, all of it is so easy. Learning is not simply screwing off the top of a head and pouring the knowledge inside. Especially if you happen to be an adult trying to learn.

When the learning first involves unlearning what you believe to be true it is especially difficult. I struggled a lot. Most of you can see that in my archived posts. It literally took me years to understand what so many of you knew and told me over and over, relapse is a part of recovery.

Most people reading me for a while know I am fairly simple minded, some of you may substitute simpleton, that's OK too. But I have to break things down as I learn. How do my life experiences enable me to accept what I am told when I have a hard time relating it to what I have experienced and believe in my life?

I can remember sending Alex off to his first inpatient rehab. So easy it was, why didn't we think of this sooner? Send him away, write a really big check and he comes home cured. Boy was I dumb!

It didn't take long for the anger to surface, 2 weeks in fact. What the hell, 2 weeks and it's the same old thing except my bank account is minus $6000.

Fast forward through a lot of anger, time and way too many more dollars than I want to think about. Relapse is a part of recovery. I don't know the statistics about how many "get it" the first time but they aren't really relevant.

What I have learned is that recovery is a process that involves many things and many variables of which relapse is one component. That's not to mean I accept relapse because it is part of the package.

Does relapse mean failure? Failure is the act of not trying. I had to break it down in simple terms for myself. When I was younger I water skied a lot. The first time I ran a slalom course I fell, if I remember right it was on the first ball. When I tried to trick ski I fell on my first 360. Failure wasn't me falling, failure would have been if I climbed into the boat and never skied again. Failure isn't the result of not succeeding. Failure is the result of not trying or giving up. No matter how many times it takes.

(proof Darlene and I were young once upon a time)

Missed Anniversary

Now before all you female readers jump straight from the title to the comment section to let me have it in a very unladylike fashion you must read, ask one simple question, what anniversary?

January 20, 2009. I created and posted my first entry to this blog.

It almost seems like ancient history now since I wrote that short anonymous introduction. Since that time Darlene and I have come out in the open to you all. We post our e-mail online and we speak openly to individuals and to groups about our life as parents to an addict.

In all seriousness I don't know what I would have done without you all. Writing this blog was not an effort to help others. I began writing this in order to save my life. I felt like I was going down for the third time. My eternal gratitude goes out to each and every one of you for taking my hand and pulling me ashore.

Those many years ago I dreamed and wished that life could be as it is today with Alex's recovery. But the truth is that none of the dreams and wishes those years ago were ever as great as today's reality. Goes to show you that none of us know what the future holds. So my advice today is that if you have a choice in living in dreams and wishes or living in today, choose today. Tomorrow may be more than you can imagine today.

Guest Post: Anonymous (requested)

My Mental Marathon

In all of my 19 years of living I don’t think I have ever spent time just me and my sister. That’s just not the kind of relationship we have ever had. But tonight I gathered up the little courage I had and went to spend the night with her. And to be honest I was scared shitless. As I made the 25 mile drive to her house all kinds of things went through my head. What kind of condition is she going to be in? Is she going to be using while I’m there? What will I do if a big fight breaks out between her and her boyfriend.

She had warned me before I got there that she had been “sick” the past few days and lost some weight but that she didn’t want me to think she was all strung out. When I pulled up there she was, my beautiful big sister out in front on her hands and knees planting, her jeans hung off her thin little frail body. I got out of my car and she greeted me with a “Hey Laura!” and as I got closer to her I could see those awful sunken in cheeks, her once beautiful blue eyes were glazed over, her pupils were almost nonexistent they were so small. I instantly wanted to freak out and say what bad shape she was is and tell her she needs help for God sake she needs help. But instead I smiled and said hello and asked what she was planting and from there the floor was all hers. She talked and talked. She told me all about her plants. You could tell she took pride in them something that made her feel needed and important. She told me about them for over an hour. What each plant was, how she got it, what her plants are for. Its hard to get a word in when she talks so I just smiled,nodded and added an occasional “oh wow” when I could.

There’s something about the way an addict moves, the way they talk.  Looking at my sister I saw nothing but pure emptiness. Someone who appears to be numb to life but is clearly in more pain than she can bare. She used to be so lively, not only that but she was funny, even now sometimes she will make a joke or say something and we see the old "D" come out for a split second and that split second alone keeps us all hopeful that she can still turn things around. We love her regardless and always will. But we miss her.

She wanted to make dinner so we headed to the store, even something as simple as grocery shopping was hard to do with her. I picked up my pace as she quickly walked through the store grabbing anything that caught her eye and filling up the cart within minutes. Just like her plants I think making dinner for us made her feel important. Making me fajitas at 11:00 o’clock at night was probably the biggest thing she had to do all week. And although at this point I had completely lost my appetite I grabbed myself a plate and filled it with food. The rice she made was still crunchy but I ate it anyway and said it was great.

"D" has been in bad shape for years, this visit though was a rude awakening that addiction has completely taken over her body. And as difficult and heartbreaking as that is it’s the truth. I can’t force her to get clean (but I would if I could) it has to be something she chooses to do. She said something though that will stick with me forever. She said how scared she was to go to hell, a life of forever torture. How terrifying that is. "D" will say she doesn’t know if she believes in God or not but I could see true fear in her face when talking about this, and I think believing in God and asking for his hand to lead her in the right direction may be the only thing she has left to do. Because this girl is hurting. And there is only so much we can do for her now. So I can only pray God wraps his arms around her and lets her feel the presence of him, because she needs it now more than ever.

10 Years of Emotion

What's it like being the parent of an addict? I'm not talking about the day to day experience with a crisis and drama around every corner. I mean what is it like inside of a parent that has gone from discovery to recovery. When I inventory my emotional state at current it isn't fair to put aside all of those feelings over the last 10 years. Am I normal, a survivor, crazy as many believe, maybe just a composite of every experience in the last decade.

It's not hard for you to read back in the archives of this blog to see my emotional state at any one time, a range that is from despondent to overwhelmed with joy. I don't pay for a therapist to analyze me, there probably isn't enough money for that without adding another trillion dollars to the national debt and a therapist would probably run out the door with their hands in the air screaming. So I am left to myself to deliberate and draw my own conclusions and summaries.

After deliberation about the last 10 years this is my emotional inventory:

Hurt: Hurt is one of those emotions that never leaves me. I am able to put it aside and shield myself from it but at times it jumps out at me. I have never hurt like I did while suffering through my sons active addiction. It is a hurt that even overshadows the death of loved ones such as a parent. I spent a long time with this emotion. I took it personal. For many years I couldn't separate the disease in my son from him. It was a personal affront and I held it very deep. The pain from this emotion took me to places I wish I never would have seen. This was the most destructive emotion for me. It was the hardest for me to reconcile within myself. Hurt drove my life.

Anger: Anger was my defense mechanism against the hurt. Anger allowed me to do things I am not proud of as the parent of an addict. Scream and curse at my son. Scream and curse at my wonderful wife. Basically attack anyone that was within reach. Mostly, mine wasn't a physical anger, I sliced people to bits with words. My anger even drove me to my lowest point in life. I struck my son in anger. My son taught me a lesson, even high and addicted he did not strike back. His respect for me at that time was greater than my respect for him. I am ashamed. "You have a right to be angry", words that I have heard before but are empty, they accomplish nothing. Anger comes with the territory but our response to life with anger is something we must find a way to live with while not destroying ourselves.

Suspicion: I always thought of myself as a trusting person. My whole philosophy in life was that I am too lazy to not trust. Trusting is easy. To not trust requires a tremendous amount of work and energy. To become suspicious and distrustful is easy. It becomes easy to see the evil in a person. It is easy to forget that the symptoms of a disease can mask the reality of a situation. It is easy to allow suspicion to drive your life and behaviors. I'm not talking about the things the parent of an addict must do to protect themselves and the addict. I talking about learning to see evil in a person when evil is not the intent. That is a bad place to be as a person, the one that lives that way and the one on the receiving end of that suspicion.

Contempt: Contempt is the culmination of hurt, anger and suspicion. Contempt is a terrible thing for a parent to hold against their own child. Contempt can easily slide to a place their is no caring. I felt once that I was entering that place. I can't go there, that is a one way door. I did not go through that passage. It is a bad, bad place.

Joy: Joy is that emotion we all want. When I think of joy the picture of Snoopy dancing on top of his doghouse comes to mind. It is immediate and temporary. Joy comes from many places but it is an emotion same as a fart on a motorcycle, blown away very quickly. However joy is a fix I craved. I'd twist reality in order to experience that feeling. Too often my desire for joy allowed me to ignore realities to the detriment of myself and my son.

Hope: Hope was the most dangerous of positive emotions. Hope set me up for terrible lows. That's because I misunderstood hope for most of the time my son was using. Hope was an emotion that I transferred to others. My hope was based upon the actions or lack thereof by other people. I would pass out hope to others like business cards at a conference. I placed my hope in their hands, from my son to rehabs, meetings, counselors or anyone. I allowed others to build up my hope or dash it from underneath me. Hope is an emotion that must be internalized, it isn't a wish. Hope is an awareness of life and the tender nature of what impacted me. Where there is life there is hope; when I understood that simple phrase I understood what hope really is and not what I wanted it to be.

Happiness: Happiness is so much more than joy. Joy is fleeting, happiness is a state inside. Happiness can be found in all things. Happiness can be obvious, the birth of wonderful grandchildren, the sound of, "PaPa come here." But happiness can be born of heartache and pain as in the happiness I feel to have known my father for 27 years of my life. Happiness isn't the smile or grin you see on my face, it is the feeling inside. The smile is just a physical response.

Appreciation: Appreciation is the dominant feeling I have today. Appreciation isn't a "thank you" it is a recognition of what "is". Appreciation is taking in all, the good, bad and the ugly. The simple process of writing this post is a process of appreciation for me. The horrible emotions and actions I described above are just as valuable in shaping my well being as the wonderful feelings I experience today while my son is in recovery. Appreciation ALLOWS me to learn from what I have experienced over these past 10 years. If I choose not to learn then what has been the worth of a decade of my life? I wish that I had never experienced any of this and my son had never been an addict. I know inside me if there was a time machine I'd be on it right now to change it all, but that can't happen. Ignoring the bad and only recognizing the good discounts my life and make me less than. I want to be the best I can and learn from my terrible mistakes.

Love: Love is so much more than what we whisper at night before falling asleep. Love is a life preserver in a storm, it is a foundation that holds you up, it is something that makes you more than you can be alone. I learned more about love in the last 10 years than I had learned all my life before. Love comes not just from those close but from those people that have enough in their life that they wish to share. All you have to do is ACCEPT it.

In conclusion, as the parent of an addict we are not perfect. In fact we shouldn't even strive for perfection. Trying to be perfect causes terrible control issues. (speaking from experience here) It's a hard lesson but we all must do what we are capable of doing at any one time. Self assessment and learning isn't something we do, it is a process we work.

I wish that forward in my life I am able to live mostly or all in the positive emotions. But, I know that hurt, anger and suspicion will at some time again enter my life. That's the way life is but as I grow and learn I believe I will be much better from this experience.

I don't know if any of you that read this blog have experienced these same emotions but if you have, it is worth the reflection to examine what being the parent of an addict has done for you as much as it has done to you.

Maybe I'm normal, or maybe not. But no matter, quoting an old wise philosopher, Popeye the Sailor Man:

"I yam wot I yam. And that's all wot I yam......"

Guest Post: Chelsie

A Change of Fate

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a couple tears running down my cheeks as if trying to escape my mind. Running away from the awful feelings my dream had caused. The possibility of a change of faith and its consequences had me feeling uneasy. A lesson my mind sees fit to teach me even if hurts me. Tough Love, they call it. I was left with the certainty that what happens to us during our life happens to us and not someone else for a reason. I shouldn't dwell on what could of been if my life were different. I believe the universe has a way of balancing itself so if not me then to whom would my hardships and burdens be given too. And if they weren't meant to have those particular challenges in their life time then chances are this person wouldn't of been born with the specific abilities or skill to overcome them. Well I can definitely say that this dream certainly had me reflecting on a lot of life's deeper meanings. 

The dream is a bit blurry now but I remember the main part of the dream that had me touched me. So I was back in my late teens and this time I didn't know the life of addiction. I was a well rounded person with goals and lots of love for my family. I kind of took on the life my brother had (my oldest brother who is 3 years younger than me) and my brother had mine. Well definitely the part of my life that included addiction and a lot of sadness. In other words its like our lives had been switched. In this dream I was at my moms just like when we were teenagers and my brother looking like he was 13 again was drinking and doing harder drugs. Not trying to hide it, I could tell he was under the influence. He had that jaded look in his eyes the one I remember having. He seemed to have this air of sadness surrounding him but it was like he was hiding it. I think I only knew because although in that life I didn't know addiction and that kind of sadness, somewhere in my mind I still remembered. Its like I felt his struggle, knowing it all to well. Something told me that my brother wasn't going to beat it (it really wasn't his to beat), he really wasn't going to get better. My heart broke so hard, I couldn't stand seeing him hurting and sad. And that's when I knew. I'd do it over again a million times over if it would keep him from having that life. In my dream, my mind was telling me that if I hadn't been an addict, if my brother hadn't seen what it did to me, how destructive it was, or if my dad hadn't had me to turn to, he might of turned to my brother (my dad thought me about drugs and eventually offered me some), my brother would of been an addict. It was like all of this hit me at once and all I could do was walk up to my brother and wrap my arms around him really tight. That's when I felt the tears running down my cheeks and opened my eyes.

Most of people are probably thinking it was just a dream, nothing to it, nothing to worry about. Except maybe my unconscious mind at work trying to make sense of  why it happened to me. I believe its much, much more than that. To start, if its my unconsciousness then its definitely wanting me to remember just how much my brother means to me. More than that though, if it really was my unconsciousness giving me an explanation to why it happened to me, than it had to of chosen my brother being spared because my love for my brother was probably the only explanation that would put my heart and mind at ease, as to why me. Also this dream made me realize that no matter how bad it was, I'd willingly do it again for my brother. I don't believe I've had a dream as meaningful as this one before. I can most definitely say that this dream contained a lot of important things I needed to learn. As sad as it was it developed into this kind of inner peace once its meaning was reflected upon.

To Dream,  A Dream, 

Our Inner Most Secrets Our Revealed

The Secrets We Keep From Ourselves