Another Approach to Help Kids

Today a teacher in New Mexico commented to a post on my blog. In case everyone doesn't read all the comments I want to share this one.


Hello, my name is blake minnerly (bminnerly@nmmediaarts.org) and I am a teacher at the Media Arts Collaborative Charter School, in Albuquerque, NM. Last year we lost a student to heroin overdose. She was only 16. In reaction, the students in my music production class have been working on a project, a CD of original Hip Hop and a music video, dedicated to her and meant to raise awareness about the danger of opiate addiction amongst teens. We want to get a copy to every school in the city. We have launched a fundraising campaign on indiegogo and I am asking for help in spreading the word. So I am contacting bloggers such as yourself, who understand the issue and the danger. The link is

http://www.indiegogo.com/SoundOven-Youth-Media?a=331529

I hope very much your son recovers and that together we all can begin to combat this tragic problem.


Usually requests on the internet draw very little attention from me however for some reason this just seemed too genuine to ignore. I have done some research this evening and have satisfied my natural suspicion and even came away impressed. I am going to post some links that you all can hear and see for yourself. It won't take much from any of us if a lot of us believe in this too.


The Media Arts Collaborative Charter School


The Student's Mission and plea


"Haley We Miss You"     

3rd Anniversary

What can I say that hasn't been said before. Three years of writing about our life parenting an addict. It has gone from hell to..........what I consider, normal life. With all the joys and problems of being a parent of grown responsible children. Plus the added bonus of grandchildren that make you smile and your heart flip flop just by coming to visit.

My annual gratitude goes out to all of you that read and comment to my posts. I say it over and over but I truly believe none of my family would be at this place without all of your support and comments. Forever I am in your debt.

I want to share what it is like for Alex now from my perspective today. I shared so much in describing his active addiction it is only fair that I open my thoughts to what it is like today.

Alex is a father. I don't mean a baby-daddy I mean it as he is a real Dad. He is raising a baby and helping with Kristy's two daughters. On last Saturday mom called him and he couldn't talk, he was at the girls basketball game and he was at the scorers table because he volunteers to be the scorekeeper. (they won)

Alex ask me if I had bought tax preparation software for this year. He wants to come over so he can do his taxes.

Alex works hard and responsibly at a job. He was sick a couple weeks ago. The baby had been sick along with everyone in the house. Alex called in to work to say he would not be in because he was sick too and had been up all night throwing up. Dad was sad because they were all sick. The thought of "drug sick" did not even enter my mind until they next day when I chuckled and thought not so long ago my first thought was, "serves you right I hope it hurts really bad."

Alex loves his sisters and their families. He asks about them and if they will be there when we invite him and his family over. When we say no they won't be here there is a sorrowful, "Oh". When we say yes you can hear the excitement in his response, "Good".

What more can I say to describe the difference. I have put those past years in a box and on the proverbial spare bedroom closet shelf. Closed up in a box. I know I can never get rid of that box but the contents no longer must be displayed in the living room and setting out open on the fireplace mantel. I know one day I will take that box to the basement and put it on the high shelf in the back. It will sit along side some of the boxes of my own life that have not seen light or been opened for decades.

Those boxes are OUR life. We get to deal with them and place them anywhere we choose. Some of those "boxes" are photo books sitting on the coffee table. Some rest in the basement. Truth is they are all equally important, they are what made me into what I am today.

Reflections

To update everyone Alex is still doing wonderfully. He's learning that "dad role". I'm not sure any of us dad's ever learn that one really well. We all eventually learn that all you can really do is your best then hope.

For myself I have been thinking a lot about the years of Alex's active addiction and his ongoing recovery. At first it was easy to focus on the millions of my little and big mistakes and how those must have been the trigger to that terrible path for my son and myself. There are no answers to those issues. It is best to leave those mistakes where they are, in the past.

Then I began to look at what did I gain from this experience. How do you get beyond the heartache, anger and regret to the point of appreciation for life lived. I have a firm belief that no matter the experience or how horrible it is there is learning and growth. With some experiences we just have to dig a little deeper to recognize that something good can grow from what I have often described as nothing but hell.

Would I ever wish to do this again or wish this experience upon anyone else? No, not just a simple no but one I would scream at the top of my lungs standing at the top of Mt. Everest. This must be one of the worst things a parent can experience. I am not minimizing all of those mom's and dad's that have lost a child to anything, I am just saying there are many hell's and this is one of them.

What have I learned, how have I changed for all of this? Where is the good? For me that is deeply personal.

Growing up my dad was not a touchy feelly guy. I honestly cannot remember my dad ever saying I love you to me until the day he died and we said to each other out loud what had been understood all of my life. My dad was a quiet man of few words. He never had to say a thing for you to understand where he stood. His love for his family was never doubted. I grew up to be a father in the ways of my father. This experience with my son has taught me that even things understood should be said. I had 6 months of illness with my dad to prepare for that last day. With addiction you don't know if you have 6 minutes. Real life is you never know. I have learned to say "I love you". This is not a statement that should be left as just understood.

The world was mine to make as I saw fit. OK, just a little arrogance here. There are things out of my control no matter how much I worked. To find peace with myself I must accept my own limitations and the cards dealt. For any of you that are Star Trek fans you might recognize the term Kobayashi Maru. (no, I am not a secret trekkie) Kobayashi Maru was a fictional no-win scenario which was given to Starfleet Commanders. Much like Captain Kirk I did not believe in no-win scenarios. If I could not beat this thing I was going to change this thing and the rules to provide me the edge. Sometimes it isn't about winning, it is just about living. Right now, this very minute is what life is about.

My legacy isn't my kids. That is too much and unfair to put on anyone. My legacy is me. My kids don't have to be better, smarter, and more than me. They should be allowed to be themselves. I was allowed to be what I am, I must allow them to make their way in this world too, just like me and their mother found our way. Anything I want my kids to do I should do and if they see the value they will emulate but if they don't it is OK too.

Family and friends are the most important things in the world. Time alone to think and deliberate are the most important things in the world. Without a recognition of these axioms I would not be where I am today and who knows what other things that matter would be different. Once I was in a place where I had all I could take. I went for a 4 day motorcycle ride alone. Life changes when you change. Life isn't about everyone that around you. Life is about YOU first, then everything fits. Kind of like a puzzle, nothing fits no matter how hard you try until you are able to align your edges. Aligning my edges helped me to understand me a little better.

"Where there is life there is hope." I know people are going to get tired of hearing this from me. I have said it, written it to people and I have even written articles about it. Where there is life there is hope isn't about addiction, our addicts, and our children, it is about life and hope.

Finally this experience has taught me to write about all of this experience. Truth is I still think my writing sucks but this is the thing that at times I credit with saving my life. Along with all of your comments.

A Mother Deals with Relapse

Over the weekend a mother that is dealing with her daughter's relapse left a comment to my 7 Truths essay posted on The Partnership's Intervene site.

I wrote her and ask her permission to re-post her comment on my blog and she gave me permission. She said there will be days that maybe she will not be so strong but this is the life she is choosing to live.

Christine Bacci says:
January 9th, 2012 at 10:48 am


I went shopping this afternoon and actually did a little dance in the car park, my daughter after being 2 years clean decided before Christmas that drugs would re enter her life, not thinking that they would also enter ours (sisters, father, mother, grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins and friends). After the tears and the sleepless nights, this afternoon something just clicked. I want a good life with my husband, family and friends I have so much to live for I have so many dreams and so many places I want to see and so much more that I want to achieve with my career. My daughter through her addiction has taken 8 years of my life, I will not let her take any more, I wish her all the very best with her choices and hope she has a wonderful life whatever it will be, but I am done with the worry the heartache I have loved you and have been the best mother I knew how to be, I wish you well my darling, I will always love you but I have to let you go.


7 Truths About My Addict That Took 5 Years To Learn

More Voices of Experience

The Partnership has launched a group of podcasts from authors of books about their family addiction experiences. The authors read from their books and are interviewed about specific things in their life about dealing with addiction.

No one is alone walking this path. Hope this helps.

http://timetogethelp.drugfree.org/learn/podcasts

A Belated Christmas Present

On Christmas our daughter and son-in-law made the official announcement that Brooke will soon be a big sister. A little brother or sister is due to show up on July 24.

A Very Different Christmas

Today mom is at work and I am playing at cleaning the house. I will admit my standards are not nearly as high as moms but I'll try to get he big stuff.

Tomorrow, Alex the girls and their families will come over to our home for Christmas. This will be a good day. I truthfully cannot remember a year except when they were babies that Alex was here for Christmas or not high if he was here. It is easy to sit here and recall the horrors. "Lost" presents, blank out of this world stares, nodding off on on, mysterious disappearances, and all of those other things you all know very well.

It may not be wise to have expectations but for me it is impossible not to look forward to tomorrow. There will be 4 children here from 4 months old to 9 years old. Gifts have been wrapped and I hope they all meet the kids expectations. Our house will be a home full of joy and laughter. It will be so nice to have all of our kids together and have Alex clear and sober, it has been so long.

I wish everyone could be writing a post like this but I know some of you are still struggling with those lost years. We know how hard it is and our thoughts are with all of you.

Santa is a Fat Man

I have been thinking a bit about others. This time of season Santa is usually front and center in my concerns.

I've come to realize that Santa is fat man. My assumption with him carrying all that extra weight and binge eating cookies he may be suffering from at least a mild case of heart disease. This is a serious condition for a man of this great importance. A heart condition can quickly deteriorate into a disabiling condition. Especially with all of his work and strenuous activity coming up in a few nights. I'd hate to think that we could have a hand in Santa's heart attack due to being over worked.

Today I texted mom about my concerns about Santa's health and suggested that tonight she should be a very naughty girl when I get home. That way Santa would have one less house to visit and that would lessen his stress and workload.

We should all do our part to help Santa.

Food For Thought

I'm sure everyone that reads our blog has strong feelings one way or another about "The War on Drugs." For me the idea of "For or Against" shouldn't be the argument. The first step I would hope is we could reach one common belief, what we are currently doing, doesn't work!

Richard Branson has written on his blog a thought provoking article that I want to share. I know elimination is an unrealistic dream so what do we do to get to a better place than we are now?

Richard Branson, "Time to End the War on Drugs"

What do you think?

Same Thing Every Day, Change Happens, Life Goes On

Life goes on for us all. Alex continues to get better and our grand kids get bigger every day. But on the other end of the spectrum we have our elders presenting other issues as they age.

My mom is doing fairly well. It is like she has settled on a plateau, for how long no one can know. There are better days and some that aren't so good but she goes to lunch with me and others. She eats well and is completely aware. She still talks about her job even though she retired a year ago. Her big joy is her grand kids and great grand kids. Mom is aware how well Alex is doing and she is proud of him.

Darlene's uncle is not doing well, he has cancer and hospice was called in this last week, it is very sad. When Darlene and I first got married 35 years ago I learned he liked to hunt and fish. He and I spend many Saturday's hunting and fishing together.

My aunt has Alzheimer's and is going downhill very quickly. This is my mothers sister, it will be very hard on my mom.

Darlene's dad has knees that are shot. He has already had replacements in both knees once and does not want to do it again. He will need a lot of help, he will not give up the farm and cows. I tease Darlene that she better get down there and learn how to drive that tractor and chop holes in the ice on the pond. Those cows need hay ALL winter.

All of these very close relatives are over 80 years old. It is hard to see these health issues and how they are being affected. Instead of dwelling upon the negative mom and I are trying hard to see the joy of all those years they have lived and great contributions they made to our lives and family. Our Christmas wish is simple. Our wish is they will continue to be an inspiration to us for many more Christmas's in the future.

Recovery and Me, We Don't Get Along

This isn't what you think from reading the title. I like to switch things around sometimes. Recovery is about me.

I haven't been keeping up on blogs much last week. I just got home from my second trip to the doctor in 4 days. After x-rays and everything else he confirmed it, pneumonia. Now he tells me I need to take it easy. He told me that pneumonia is nothing to mess around with. I ask him if he had told pneumonia I was nothing to mess around with. He said I need to take it easy. So now I am stuck trying to recover from this crap for a couple weeks. It's a good thing I was never an addict, 30 days of rehab and recovery, I'd have killed somebody by that time. Taking it easy and not doing much does not fit me very well at all.

I'll try to keep up on my reading blogs but comments my be sketchy. No one should be required to endure comments from a person that is making every effort he can to OD on any antibiotics that I can find. (pssst, whispering) Anybody got a street connection for antibiotics, cough syrup and oxygen?   LOL

Addiction DVD

We have an Addiction DVD, new in package that we like to give to someone that needs it. It's a documentary produced by HBO.

If you would like this leave you e-mail as a comment. If you prefer to not leave your e-mail in a public forum just e-mail me your contact info.

On next Wednesday we will draw a name from a hat and send the DVD. I'll pay the shipping.

It's Only A Little Weed

This last week a I spoke to six more high school classes about what it does to you and your loved ones if you choose to use drugs.

During one class I had a vocal student that questioned my opinions on smoking marijuana. During these talks I don't hold back on my experiences as the parent of an addict or what I observed happens to a young person that makes that initial choice to use drugs and then become addicted.

This 14 year old student began his comments as, "What's wrong with a little smoke?"

At the beginning of my discussion I preface everything with I am not here to be another person telling you not to use drugs. My whole reason for being here is to provide you real life examples to what could happen to you and your loved ones if you make that choice to use.

"What's wrong with a little smoke?" First of all it is illegal. If you are dealing with someone that is using or supplying an illegal substance you will be or eventually be exposed to other illegal substances. There is the danger of an unknown product, who regulates the quality and composition of this product? There is always the risk of arrest.

This student then wanted to engage in an argument as to the merits of legalization of marijuana. Not going there. That's not the purpose of my being in the classroom.

The student is stuck on his issue and subject re-surfaces again later in the discussion. My questions to the class, "Is weed a "gateway" drug? If you smoke weed will you become a heroin addict? Not everyone that smokes weed becomes a heroin addict, but I have not yet met a single heroin addict that didn't smoke weed first, which one are you? I've never met a heroin or meth addict, or cokehead that started with heroin have you? Do you believe that someone just wakes up one day and decides, today I am going to stick a needle in my arm?"

As the end of class alarm sounds and the students are leaving, "I don't care what you say, I am not going to stop smoking."

I know 14 years old may be too late to start talking, but what do you say to your 14 year old when you hear, "It's only a little weed."

On Thanksgiving

On Thursday we all think about what we are to give thanks for in our life. This year I have decided to limit my thanks to my hero’s.

Here is my short list:

Mom, my bride is my hero. She is the one that suffered through the role as the mother of an addict. But she also stood beside me through all of the frustration and hell I dished on her because of my inability to control my sons using.

Alex is my hero. I never knew anything about addiction, he drug me through hell, but I know his hell was much, much worse than anything I experienced. He climbed out of that place. He did it because he wanted to do it and he did it alone because that is the only way it can be done.

My daughters and their husbands are my hero’s. They were there when I needed. They allowed me into their life when I needed someone that was a part of me but was able stand alone and strong.

Brooke and Tyler are my hero’s. They appeared at just the right time, there is no way they can understand that they saved my life; they are my grandchildren.

My family and friends are my hero’s. A family that did not give up on Alex or us. They offered a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold when it was needed. Friends that were there when we needed them and knew we needed time and knew how to listen.

Kristy and her girls are my hero’s. They could see through the disease to the real person inside.

The people at my work are my hero’s. They knew it was not the normal me. They carried my load when I couldn’t. They never stopped believing.

Every single person that reads my blog and left a comment or had us in their thoughts are my hero’s. You people did more for me than I could ever re-pay or begin to describe. One day I hope to do as much for all of you as you have done for me.

All of the rehab counselors, medical personnel anyone setting in meetings are my hero’s. These are the people that made an unknown impact on Alex and all of us during this nightmare. There is no way to thank them all but I have a feeling they do what they do not for the thanks but for something inside of themselves that we may never understand.

Outlaw Breathing

"You don't have any idea what it is like. There is no way you can even imagine it." said Alex.

I'm reading of relapses, rehabs troubles, a fatal overdose and general anguish and anger by parents coast to coast. E-mails are coming into my mailbox and I have even gotten phone calls. Must be getting close to the holidays.

I can pinpoint the exact time I got it. I moved farther and closer to understanding addiction than any time in my life so far. It was that light bulb moment.

Alex had been using we had our normal argument with me screaming at him. The anger, fear and frustration coming out that only another parent of an addict can understand. After I had hollered at him as long as I could I calmed down and we both sat down at the kitchen table.

Tears in my eyes once again I pleaded, "I just don't understand, just quit using drugs and everything will be OK."

In the next three minutes Alex taught me more about addiction than I had learned from all the counselors and meetings I had attended up to that time.

Alex ask me to play a game with him. "Dad, hold your breath, and I will make an effort not to think about drugs, want to use drugs or what drugs feel like. Dad, you will win the game every single time. You can hold your breath longer than I can go without thinking about and wanting to use. The only time I can go without me wanting to use more than anything in the world is when I sleep and even then I dream about drugs."

In that very moment I got a glimpse of what addiction must be like to an addict in active addiction. The urge and need to use is as strong or stronger than my need for oxygen. That was the very moment that I realized everything I was doing would never have an effect on his addiction. Everything I had done up to that point hurt me and hurt him but had no effect on the monster.

Based on the title of this, "Outlaw Breathing" this essay isn't about legalization of drugs. Truth is, I still don't know exactly how I feel about that, there are too many other concerns right now. This essay is about illustrating how overwhelming addiction can be at times. Even with periods of sobriety.

Even after ten years of effective management of diabetes a diabetic can go on a one day sugarfest and end up in a coma or dead. It's the same with addiction, the past is important, success builds upon success but the absolute most important day in the world it today.

Time For Christmas Season, AGAIN?

The list's are being created and the bombardment of commercials has begun. In my mind not so long ago when you mentioned a day with a descriptor of "Black" in front of it, well, it wasn't taken as a good thing. What a trap we have all fallen into as it relates to the holiday season.

Stress, expectations, disappointments all seem to be heightened this time of year. Decorations, meals, family gatherings all compound feelings that we expect to be good and wonderful but by the time everything rolls around we are too exhausted to appreciate anything about the holiday.

I'm sitting here thinking about simplicity. Several thoughts have come to mind but one memory of Christmas several years ago overshadows them all. There have been years we have spent way too much on presents and we probably aren't the only ones that have made that error. One year Mom and Dad ask for something different and small of cost. That present really brings back good memories for me.

I'm sharing this because it takes a little planning and action now to reap the good memories we have now of that present. Back before the digital age we decided there was nothing we really needed. You know how the kids always ask, "What do you want for Christmas?" And we struggle to come up with SOMETHING that we really need. Our list was simple one year. On Thanksgiving evening we gave each of our kids a disposable camera wrapped as a present plus the money to have the pictures developed. (told you it was quite a few years ago.) We ask each of the kids to use the camera and take pictures of their favorite things. Then on Christmas morning for each of them to show all of us their pictures and explain why those things mean so much to them.

That Christmas morning Mom and Dad got a real Christmas present. Simple but meant so much to us.

??? Arguing With The Science

I just read Annette's blog and she had an interesting article linked at CNN about high IQ and drug use.

Us parents are always looking for the answer of "Why". There may not be many answers as to "why" but there may be indicators and predictors that we haven't yet noticed or examined.

Just like Annette's daughter, our son was smart. We always struggled with the question of, 'He is so brilliant and smart, how did he not understand what drugs would lead to in his life?" Maybe this answer isn't to be known.

I can't just throw every smart kid that seems different or is struggling for attention, must be the center of attention and hyper competitive under the addiction bus but as parents it is not wise to ignore the signs. Alex was very smart, hyper competitive and had a strong need to be center in attention as a child.

OOP's

You know how dents and broken things would happen to your child's car when they were using and they never seemed to know what happened or had several lame excuses that you knew were BS. Alex has a new dent in his car.

We all know how it got there. Not paying attention and Dad backed into his car while he was parked in our driveway. I need an excuse, anybody got any good suggestions on how I can blame this on his addiction and those DAMN drugs?  LOL

Parents and Recovery

Alex stopped using a over one year ago. Today he is drug free and working to put his life back together.

There are countless books and websites about addiction, rehab and recovery. Most of them are filled with valuable pages of information that help both the addict and the parent. I won’t discredit anything on these sites in books but I want to share what I have learned about being the parent of an addict in recovery not from reading but from the experience. No long drawn out processes or pages explanations. This is just some words and actions that seem to help me.

• Recovery is hard. Sometimes they need a hand, make sure your hand is out for them to grasp when needed. But, don’t hold on too long.
• Addicts dig deep holes for themselves. Contrary to what you may think filling the hole is faster when only one person has a shovel. If you help to shovel it will take longer to fill the hole.
• Forgiveness is for me. The sooner I understand the faster I heal.
• “Believe” or “doubt”. I choose believe. Have you ever had someone tell you that they believe in you?
• Normal is right. “Fragile, Handle with Care” is not stamped in big red letters on a child in recovery. To stop using means they want a normal life again.
• I love you. That is a reassurance we ALL need.
• Nagging, suspicious looks and reminders of past mistakes really irritate me. Addicts in recovery probably don’t need them either.
• His recovery is his to manage. I know that for the last seven years he hasn’t been able to manage ANYTHING. But, we all have to learn and begin someplace.

Milestones

Yesterday Alex told his mother a bit of good news. On Nov. 8 he was released from probation. He is no longer on probation in ANY jurisdiction! He still owes a couple places money but he has payment plans with the courts that he follows religiously.

The steps are long to get back but they are worth all the effort.

Alex is an inspiration to many people. I'm not sure he realizes it or understands. I hear it from people all the time. I see people that know Alex or know him from this blog and the parting comment to me is always, "Please, tell Alex hi, and tell him I am happy for him and proud of him."

Dad and Mom are proud of him too.