St. Patrick's Day Parade

Saturday was a wonderful day in Kansas City for a parade. This is the first time I had been to the St. Pats for 20 years. In the past it was pretty much just a reason to watch a parade, drink a lot and watch people on floats and marching while they were drinking. Quite a while ago they cleaned it up and they actively work on not allowing drinking by parade watchers and parade participants. It has become a decent day out for the family. Of course afterwards there are areas of town that you can over indulge in spirits but I'm no longer part of that group. That was when I was younger and dumber, from the looks on the local news they have found many others in that stage of their lives.

It was great being in the parade. A big thank you to my brother-in-law for inviting us to join.

Everyone but Erica and I rode in the truck. We walked the whole parade. I have no idea how many thousands of people were there but the sidewalks were 3-4 deep all the way with most of the time it was 7-8 deep.

Just too much excitement for Brooke. She crashed half way through the parade. When we got to the area where the local TV station was broadcasting the parade live Brooke got her time on TV. They ran up to the truck and had her all over TV and she was even on the local news. Too bad she slept through it all. 

I don't have any other pictures yet. Darlene had the camera. This is just one I took with my iPhone running up beside the truck.

Answers -- Anonymous

This is the last of all of the questions. So as not to make the post too long I split them up and answered each day. I'm answering them in the order they were received. This is not a one time thing, if you have a question feel free to post and I will add it to the list. 

Anonymous ask: In my job as a social worker in an inner city pediatric clinic, I talk with preteens and teens daily. I have an opportunity to talk with them casually about substance abuse. I'd like to do some prevention work with them. What can I say to them that they may actually hear and remember? All suggestions are appreciated.

In my talks with high school students here locally I believe what has been most effective is sincerity and honesty. I don’t try to threaten or scare I just lay out the facts. I don’t keep harping on the just say no stuff, they have all heard that before. I don’t go into the legality of drugs because they all know that they are illegal. My whole discussion is centered around if you make a choice to try this then here is what you will become and what you will do to the people you love.

I try make it clear that they have a choice in the beginning to try but after that, choices begin to disappear. Before you know what has happened the drugs own you. It seems powerful to the students when I speak of being owned by a drug and a dealer. You essentially become a slave to the drug and dealer. You will do whatever it takes to obtain your drug. You will lie, steal, harm others and prostitute yourself to obtain your drug. You are OWNED by your drug and dealer.

You can view my entire presentation to students on youtube. I have links on a previous post. Feel free to watch them and use whatever may be effective. http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2012/02/you-ask-for-it-you-gottem.html

Good Luck, just don’t stop talking to these young people. They need adults with honest and real information in their life.

Answers -- Annette

I will answer all of the questions. So as not to make the post too long I am going to split them up and answers will follow on each day. I'm answering them in the order they were received. This is not a one time thing, if you have a question feel free to post and I will add it to the list.


Annette ask: How have you reconciled Alex's right to privacy as you blogged about his addiction and shared his story at schools? Did you have his permission, what about while he was in active addiction?


The privacy thing went out the window when his name was plastered across the front page of the paper of our little town. It was for some minor crimes here in our hometown but in a small town anything is news. It wasn’t like we were famous but most people in our community knew us. I was very active in local politics and with the schools. Darlene was in the schools all the time. His sister was a school leader and very popular. Alex was very popular when he was in school. Privacy for all of us was an illusion, at least it was in the beginning. In the beginning of his addiction and on my blog we tried to hide everything and that didn’t do any good.
            

Alex went with me once to talk at his old high school. He did great but he had been clean only about 3 months and he told me afterwards it was just too hard. For a while he tried blogging, he knew about my blog and he knew it had helped me. But he said writing wasn’t for him; that was a couple years ago. And, at that time he was trying recovery but relapsing.

In my mind all of those horrible things he did while he was actively using were symptoms of the disease. I've had many of my elderly relatives come down with Alzheimers disease. At times they have done things that would make your hair stand on end some even violence against family members. I was not ashamed or embarrassed of them, I loved them and they had a disease that had some very harsh and terrible symptoms. I have gotten to the point that Alex’s symptoms were nothing more than an indication of another terrible disease.

I compare the symptoms and stigma of addiction today to those that were HIV+ in the 1980’s. At times as a nation it seems we did all we could to destroy the person without understanding the disease. Remember Ryan White? No matter if it is addiction, HIV or any other disease some will choose to vilify the person and never seek to understand the disease, that is their loss.

Answers -- Cathy

I will answer all of the questions. So as not to make the post too long I am going to split them up and answers will follow on each day. I'm answering them in the order they were received. This is not a one time thing, if you have a question feel free to post and I will add it to the list.

Cathy ask: Recently you commented on Barbara's blog that when Alex was first in recovery you experienced "convoluted dark thinking" for a long time. I feel like I am in that place myself. My son has been in recovery for 3 months now but I can't seem to move forward. I tend to spend a lot of time reflecting/dwelling on the last several years of living in "crisis mode" 24/7. I'm in a pretty rough place. How did you move forward from that way of thinking? Thanks

A big part of getting over it is time. We build walls and had our shields at the ready to protect ourselves from that addiction monster. Every time I would see him or talk to him my thoughts would be of suspicion and anger. That’s a bad way to live for him and me. The key for me getting over it was dropping everything he had done wrong to me. I knew how much he owed me in cash for bail and everything else. I knew what he had stolen. I knew how he had torn things up. I knew how much he had hurt the ones I love. I was waiting for my apology and payback.

Finally, I realized as long as I held on to all of that hurt pain and anger I was not going to move forward, even though he was moving forward. When I was sure I wanted to get better I told my son I was proud of him, I believed in him and I wanted the past to be in the past. That’s how I was able to let go. I had to face my fear (my son) man to man. 

After all, I knew what he was capable of and if he went back to that place I had decided that I couldn’t travel that path with him in the same way I did before. So if I wasn’t going there again there was no use to continue living in that place. Besides you miss a lot of good when you are living in a bad place.  Here is a post I wrote last November about what I learned about how to be with Alex. It took me a long time to get to that point and even longer to be able to put it into words. http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2011/11/parents-and-recovery.html

About those walls and shields we build to protect us from the bad; it was like I imagined that I built a huge stone castle and I was living within the walls. For self protection I put our addicted son outside those walls. But in time I had to learn that the same walls and shields built to protect myself kept me from the good too.

St. Patricks Day Parade

My brother-in-law collects Army trucks and enjoys driving them in local parades. On Saturday it is St. Patrick's Day. Kansas City has a huge St. Patrick's Day parade each year. They say it is one of the top parades in the nation but I am not Irish so I wouldn't know for sure.

This year my brother-in-law is going to drive one of his trucks in the parade. I don't know which one but they are big enough to hold several people so we are going to be in the parade riding in the truck.

If you are at the Kansas City Parade give a shout out to the crazy, Irish-for-a-day people riding in a big tan or green Army truck. (see pics below. the guy standing on the left in front of the green truck is Darlene's dad, on the right is his brother who passed last Dec. he also brings one on 4th of July and we ride around the neighborhoods blowing the horn and waving flags)

Answers -- Anonymous 1 & 2

I will answer all of the questions. So as not to make the post too long I am going to split them up and answers will follow on each day. I'm answering them in the order they were received. This is not a one time thing, if you have a question feel free to post and I will add it to the list.

Anonymous 1 ask: Did you have any 'god moments' when dealing with your son's addiction that you could share?

I can’t really say there were god moments. I don’t do the god thing so I don’t attribute actions, behaviors or results to god or other spiritual deity.

Anonymous 2 ask: How long was your son using before you became aware that he had a problem? And what were the first signs?

We found out our son was using from the court. He got caught shoplifting a lighter at Walmart when he was 15. It went to court and he was referred to a court services officer in our county and she drug tested him and he hit on marijuana. At that time I was at that point of no big deal, so he smoked a little weed, boys will be boys. We put him in counseling and the counselor was concerned and he had all of us go to some NA meetings and none of us took it serious. Couple years later it became obvious his problem was no longer just a little weed. More legal trouble with shoplifting, car was getting banged up for no reason. He would not bring any of his friends to our home. Money and things began to disappear from our house and he was forging our name on checks to get cash from the grocery store where he worked and from Walmart. At this time, around 17 years old Dad and Mom finally began to leave that place called denial and realize our son had a real life problem. But just because you are no longer in denial it doesn’t mean you know what to do or that you begin doing all the right things. We did everything that any other parent with no experience does, all of it wrong.

Answers -- Barbara

I will answer all of the questions. So as not to make the post too long I am going to split them up and answers will follow on each day. I'm answering them in the order they were received. This is not a one time thing, if you have a question feel free to post and I will add it to the list.

Barbara Ask: Have you ever followed your gut regarding Alex rather than going along with the typical "do's and don’ts of relating to an addict"? If so, what was the situation and how did it work out?

Barbara, 90% of the things I did was my gut reaction. I read many books, listened to many people and wrote thousands of words on this blog. My way is even if someone gave me step by step methods I can’t just accept what I read and am told. I read the words and then work a process in my mind to conceptualize my learning. I question how does what I am reading or being told relate to my past life experience. Probably doing this kept me from learning faster what I needed to know and caused me to make many mistakes. I was nearly 50 years old when this disease entered my family. I had no life experience in which to accurately compare the disease, behaviors and symptoms it was exhibiting. If 1, 2 and 3 happened then 4 was to follow, that is Ron thinking. I had to learn that at times 2 came first followed by 6 and 4 and the answer may be somewhere past 10. This is why I suggest to people to do that they are capable of doing at any given time concerning this disease and after that sit and deliberate, ask the hard question, “What did I learn?” How am I going to apply this learning in the future? This helped me to learn how to act instead of react. I spent too many years reacting to my son’s behavior instead of acting on his actions.

Barbara Ask: How did you and Darlene meet

Darlene was a friend of my cousin. We met going to a company picnic at Worlds of Fun in 1974. Darlene was still in high school and I had graduated the year before.

Answers -- Syd

I will answer all of the questions. So as not to make the post too long I am going to split them up and answers will follow on each day. I'm answering them in the order they were received. This is not a one time thing, if you have a question feel free to post and I will add it to the list.

Syd asks: Do you have a specific 12 step recovery program? If you do how did it help you? If you don't, how were you able to reach an understanding of powerlessness and letting problems go?

           

No,  Syd I do not have a 12-step program. In the beginning of our awareness of our son’s addiction Darlene and I went to some NA, Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings. I didn’t feel they worked for me. Looking back I can it wasn’t necessarily that they weren’t for me it was more I wasn’t for them. I am a very focused answer oriented person. The answer I was seeking could not be found at a 12 step program because at that stage I had an answer, I was looking for an implementation strategy. This went on for me for 5 years. Personally I could never get past the powerless step because I could not see addiction as a disease, all I could see it as was a weakness of character and I took his addiction as a personal attack on me.

Just as I say in my videos to the class. The light bulb came on by way of Alex. We really did have a nasty fight about his using. After the fight we sat down at the kitchen table and he played the game with me about me holding my breath and him not thinking of drugs, wanting to use drugs and going to get drugs. He said he would lose the game very time. The light came on for me that very moment. I understood there was more to this than just willpower, want to, and poor character. More importantly I learned his addiction was not an attack on his father. When I learned that his drugs were as important to him as oxygen was to me I understood everything I had done in the past was useless. I then did a lot of thinking and deliberation on my own self. With a new paradigm I began to figure out what new life and actions would be required of me. I learned no matter how hard I fought my son was not the enemy, it was the disease. I had to learn how to battle a disease that not only I knew nothing about but had never even recognized as a disease. Peace for me came when I no longer took my son’s addiction and behaviors as a personal attack on me. I came to an understanding that one day the disease very well could defeat my son but it would only defeat me if I allowed it to happen.

Time alone, great support from family and friends along with a lot of deliberation of my beliefs and thoughts allowed me to reach a peaceful place inside.

Questions???

I just finished reading two very enjoyable posts by Syd over at I'm just F.I.N.E. -- Recovery in Al-Anon. About a week ago he posted that he was taking questions. Although I have been very public in my posts I have decided to open myself up to questions in the same manner as Syd. Syd offered a prize for the best question and I do not envy him in making his decision, there were some very good questions. I don't need that additional decision making stress so each of you get a prize. Drumroll please,  an honest and probably incoherent answer to your question. Please fire away.

It seems I have run into a block about writing. I am busy answering many private e-mails I receive from parents. I feel an intense drive to answer these e-mails when someone writes me. I think about the beginning of our journey and how those feelings overwhelmed us to the point that all we did was sit and cry. To have a mother or father look for help so desperately that they sit down and write a complete stranger; I know that place too well in which they have found themselves.

I still am reading blogs and commenting, although less than I use too. It is not because I don;t care it is just that I see so much wisdom in the comments and the writer's post seldom there is anything I can add of value.

Suboxone

Lately I have have been getting questions and emails about using Suboxone. I have little to no experience with Suboxone treatment. I believe Alex used some Suboxone he acquired on the street but I don't know for sure, he did mention once that he traded for some.

From my point of view I view Suboxone or other treatments like Methadone as a method. I am a big believer there is no "right" way. There are many ways, some may work better or faster but each family must find their own way. Yes, you read right, each family must find their way. This is a family disease. Just as a person in a family may have cancer, opinion and consultation is sought and given by all loved ones. Addiction is no different even though just as a patient with cancer, they are the one inflicted with the disease and must struggle alone with treatments.

I put forth my opinion. There is no magic bullet or pill to cure this disease, at least not at this time. Suboxone has helped many people. So has NA, rehab, and other methodologies. Not being a doctor, counselor or an addiction professional I'm not offering a professional opinion, just a personal opinion/observation. I believe no matter the methodology it's 90% the addict and 10% methodology.

Without the drive and will of the addict to get better the methodology will be deficient in the treatment and cure. We've all seen miracle cures of loved ones and friends that fought a terrible disease like cancer. But, we have all seen those with the same disease give up and succumb to the eventuality of the prognosis.

Seek out what works. Look at the methodology, the success rates and the risks. Never forget that despite all the claims of the methodology the outcome is determined by the afflicted. One of the biggest differences a loved one of an addict can make is to be there when they are needed but only when it is appropriate.

Tornado's Get Personal

Here are a couple pictures of Darlene's sister and brother-in-law lake house in Branson. The tornado in Branson last night got personal. My brother-in-law was actually in the house. They have been renovating it and he was asleep in the bedroom when it came apart. He was not injured.

You Ask For It, You Gottem

It's taken me a while but I finally did it.

Many of you ask if I would video my talks to students so you could see what I was doing. Finally last week I was able to set a video camera up in the back of the room and video my ugly mug doing my thing. The quality is not HD but it is easy to hear and get an idea of the presentation. Darlene has already told me I need to add stuff on K2 and Bath Salts. She also said I need to do something with my hands. (I don't know what.) If you have any comments or critique I'd LOVE to hear from you.

I have posted Youtube links to the presentation. I tried uploading one big movie but it is 1 hour long and Youtube rejected it because of the length. With my limited tech skills even with iMovie on my Mac that task of breaking it into pieces was beyond my patience and technical ability. I'm sure glad the computer technical guru reports to me at work. ;-) (When I worked for a living in the shop it was called "government work.")

The movie was broken up into 10 minute sections. On the Youtube description I tried to give a short descriptor for each section. Maybe it was the camera but the students didn't comment during the talk but after it was over and the camera was off some very good learning took place by all.

Classroom Presentation, part 1 - Intro / Addiction is a Disease
Classroom Presentation, part 2 - Drug Discussion
Classroom Presentation, part 3 - Drug Discussion
Classroom Presentation, part 4 - Symptoms, Behaviors, Prevention
Classroom Presentation, part 5 - Prevention, Getting Help
Classroom Presentation, part 6 - 7 Truths, Overdose
Classroom Presentation, part 7 - Overdosed, An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom

OH, oh, ps.: BTW, no animals were harmed or injured in any way during the making of this movie.  :-)

A Satisfying Feeling

Today when I went to speak at the school I ask the teacher, "Does it really help when I talk?"

Her response is that she has learned not to make a lesson plan for the next day except to allow class discussion about my presentation.  The students drive the discussion about my talk and all of their personal experiences. They share experiences and they comfort fellow students that are experiencing things in their life and family. She said her classes and discussions after the talks on Tuesday were unbelievable this morning. Students amazed her with their observations, questions and open discussions.

That is satisfying for me to know.

ps., I guess one measure of performance is after I spoke today I had several kids lined up to shake my hand and thank me for talking to them. Even if the message doesn't work it shows there are some polite kids going to that school.  lol

Not Much To Say

I find myself not writing much anymore. There just isn't the drama and crisis that so easily stirs the writer in me, plus I don't find the urgency to unload. I don't want to bore everyone with "It's OK today and I am looking forward to tomorrow." Mom and I know well how too much of that while we were struggling turned into jealousy, resentment and anger at our son. That's one of our flaws not his.

So, today I am going to speak to students at the high school again. I spoke to two classes on Tuesday and I think I made a difference for someone. at least I hope I did. I learned my own lesson from these talks. My talks aren't just about trying to reach young adults and helping them make the right choices and knowing why it is the right choice. Sometimes my talks reach out and touch someone and they simply learn that, you are not alone.

You Are Not Alone

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has posted some new You Are Not Alone videos. They are worth your time watching.

It never ceases to amaze me how far and wide this issue strikes.

Barbara Eden - Barbara Eden ("I Dream of Jeannie") lost her son to a heroin overdose. She encourages others not to let shame become a barrier, but rather, to share their stories.


Art Alexakis - Art Alexakis, lead singer and guitarist of Everclear, talks about his struggle with addiction. After a suicide attempt, Art realized it was time to change. The now father of two, 22 years in recovery, is proof that it gets better.


Christian Hosoi - Skateboarding legend Christian Hosoi had everything: money, fame, and a career. After seven years doing crystal meth every day, he hit rock bottom and realized that he had to make a choice. He is now 11.5 years sober and hopes that by telling his story, others will be inspired to make the right choice.


Josh Leonard - Actor and filmmaker Josh Leonard ("The Blair Witch Project"), in recovery for 13 years, credits the support of his family for saving his life. By being open about his addiction, he believes that he is taking power away from the disease.


Jane Paulsen - All three of Jane's sons struggled with addiction, but it was only when she shared her story with others that she realized she was not alone.


If you would like to make your own video to share with others in this struggle go to this page:  

You Are Not Alone

The Benefits of Focus and Love

Alex and his family comes over and Darlene and I both sit in amazement and pride at where we all are today.

Alex has taken on a lot, he takes responsibility for not only Tyler but Kristy's girls too. He and Kristy are good parents. Truth is I think Alex has more patience than I did as a new dad and he didn't get to grow with the situation. He jumped into the deep end with girls that are 8 and 9 plus add in a new baby.

It's funny for us to hear him talk about sitting at the scorers table during the girls basketball games. We melt when we see him walking Tyler and talking softly when Tyler is fighting sleep. The girls play games at our house and fight over Darlene's new I-Pad. Tyler is inquisitive, normal baby, touch it, grab it, put it in your mouth.

Darlene and I talked last night after they left following the Super Bowl. We know the old saying, "Pride goeth before the fall." But we can't help but think back to a time not that long ago and feel the intense fear and know how far away we are from that today. But today is what we get and we have learned to relish in the actions and gifts we are given in the moment.

A big point of personal learning for me has been to be able to accept the concept sometimes what you are given is all you get and all someone has to give. Alex has given me the gift of life. I have learned to accept it day to day. I have all my life to be sad, angry and impatient. Maybe tomorrow I'll be that way but today I am choosing to be happy, proud and grateful.

Another Mom

Another mom struggling with this stuff affecting her daughter. Her first post can be found here:

Powerless

ps.: here is a picture of Leslie our daughter holding Tyler, Alex's son. He looks like Alex when Alex was that age, 5 months.

Another Approach to Help Kids

Today a teacher in New Mexico commented to a post on my blog. In case everyone doesn't read all the comments I want to share this one.


Hello, my name is blake minnerly (bminnerly@nmmediaarts.org) and I am a teacher at the Media Arts Collaborative Charter School, in Albuquerque, NM. Last year we lost a student to heroin overdose. She was only 16. In reaction, the students in my music production class have been working on a project, a CD of original Hip Hop and a music video, dedicated to her and meant to raise awareness about the danger of opiate addiction amongst teens. We want to get a copy to every school in the city. We have launched a fundraising campaign on indiegogo and I am asking for help in spreading the word. So I am contacting bloggers such as yourself, who understand the issue and the danger. The link is

http://www.indiegogo.com/SoundOven-Youth-Media?a=331529

I hope very much your son recovers and that together we all can begin to combat this tragic problem.


Usually requests on the internet draw very little attention from me however for some reason this just seemed too genuine to ignore. I have done some research this evening and have satisfied my natural suspicion and even came away impressed. I am going to post some links that you all can hear and see for yourself. It won't take much from any of us if a lot of us believe in this too.


The Media Arts Collaborative Charter School


The Student's Mission and plea


"Haley We Miss You"     

3rd Anniversary

What can I say that hasn't been said before. Three years of writing about our life parenting an addict. It has gone from hell to..........what I consider, normal life. With all the joys and problems of being a parent of grown responsible children. Plus the added bonus of grandchildren that make you smile and your heart flip flop just by coming to visit.

My annual gratitude goes out to all of you that read and comment to my posts. I say it over and over but I truly believe none of my family would be at this place without all of your support and comments. Forever I am in your debt.

I want to share what it is like for Alex now from my perspective today. I shared so much in describing his active addiction it is only fair that I open my thoughts to what it is like today.

Alex is a father. I don't mean a baby-daddy I mean it as he is a real Dad. He is raising a baby and helping with Kristy's two daughters. On last Saturday mom called him and he couldn't talk, he was at the girls basketball game and he was at the scorers table because he volunteers to be the scorekeeper. (they won)

Alex ask me if I had bought tax preparation software for this year. He wants to come over so he can do his taxes.

Alex works hard and responsibly at a job. He was sick a couple weeks ago. The baby had been sick along with everyone in the house. Alex called in to work to say he would not be in because he was sick too and had been up all night throwing up. Dad was sad because they were all sick. The thought of "drug sick" did not even enter my mind until they next day when I chuckled and thought not so long ago my first thought was, "serves you right I hope it hurts really bad."

Alex loves his sisters and their families. He asks about them and if they will be there when we invite him and his family over. When we say no they won't be here there is a sorrowful, "Oh". When we say yes you can hear the excitement in his response, "Good".

What more can I say to describe the difference. I have put those past years in a box and on the proverbial spare bedroom closet shelf. Closed up in a box. I know I can never get rid of that box but the contents no longer must be displayed in the living room and setting out open on the fireplace mantel. I know one day I will take that box to the basement and put it on the high shelf in the back. It will sit along side some of the boxes of my own life that have not seen light or been opened for decades.

Those boxes are OUR life. We get to deal with them and place them anywhere we choose. Some of those "boxes" are photo books sitting on the coffee table. Some rest in the basement. Truth is they are all equally important, they are what made me into what I am today.

Reflections

To update everyone Alex is still doing wonderfully. He's learning that "dad role". I'm not sure any of us dad's ever learn that one really well. We all eventually learn that all you can really do is your best then hope.

For myself I have been thinking a lot about the years of Alex's active addiction and his ongoing recovery. At first it was easy to focus on the millions of my little and big mistakes and how those must have been the trigger to that terrible path for my son and myself. There are no answers to those issues. It is best to leave those mistakes where they are, in the past.

Then I began to look at what did I gain from this experience. How do you get beyond the heartache, anger and regret to the point of appreciation for life lived. I have a firm belief that no matter the experience or how horrible it is there is learning and growth. With some experiences we just have to dig a little deeper to recognize that something good can grow from what I have often described as nothing but hell.

Would I ever wish to do this again or wish this experience upon anyone else? No, not just a simple no but one I would scream at the top of my lungs standing at the top of Mt. Everest. This must be one of the worst things a parent can experience. I am not minimizing all of those mom's and dad's that have lost a child to anything, I am just saying there are many hell's and this is one of them.

What have I learned, how have I changed for all of this? Where is the good? For me that is deeply personal.

Growing up my dad was not a touchy feelly guy. I honestly cannot remember my dad ever saying I love you to me until the day he died and we said to each other out loud what had been understood all of my life. My dad was a quiet man of few words. He never had to say a thing for you to understand where he stood. His love for his family was never doubted. I grew up to be a father in the ways of my father. This experience with my son has taught me that even things understood should be said. I had 6 months of illness with my dad to prepare for that last day. With addiction you don't know if you have 6 minutes. Real life is you never know. I have learned to say "I love you". This is not a statement that should be left as just understood.

The world was mine to make as I saw fit. OK, just a little arrogance here. There are things out of my control no matter how much I worked. To find peace with myself I must accept my own limitations and the cards dealt. For any of you that are Star Trek fans you might recognize the term Kobayashi Maru. (no, I am not a secret trekkie) Kobayashi Maru was a fictional no-win scenario which was given to Starfleet Commanders. Much like Captain Kirk I did not believe in no-win scenarios. If I could not beat this thing I was going to change this thing and the rules to provide me the edge. Sometimes it isn't about winning, it is just about living. Right now, this very minute is what life is about.

My legacy isn't my kids. That is too much and unfair to put on anyone. My legacy is me. My kids don't have to be better, smarter, and more than me. They should be allowed to be themselves. I was allowed to be what I am, I must allow them to make their way in this world too, just like me and their mother found our way. Anything I want my kids to do I should do and if they see the value they will emulate but if they don't it is OK too.

Family and friends are the most important things in the world. Time alone to think and deliberate are the most important things in the world. Without a recognition of these axioms I would not be where I am today and who knows what other things that matter would be different. Once I was in a place where I had all I could take. I went for a 4 day motorcycle ride alone. Life changes when you change. Life isn't about everyone that around you. Life is about YOU first, then everything fits. Kind of like a puzzle, nothing fits no matter how hard you try until you are able to align your edges. Aligning my edges helped me to understand me a little better.

"Where there is life there is hope." I know people are going to get tired of hearing this from me. I have said it, written it to people and I have even written articles about it. Where there is life there is hope isn't about addiction, our addicts, and our children, it is about life and hope.

Finally this experience has taught me to write about all of this experience. Truth is I still think my writing sucks but this is the thing that at times I credit with saving my life. Along with all of your comments.