The Partnership For A Drug Free America

A few weeks ago I got an e-mail from The Partnership asking if I would write to be published on their blog. After a lot of thinking I decided to go or it. I sure don't have the answers but if they want my words and thing they may help someone I'll try.

My first posting can be found at http://intervene.drugfree.org/

It is pretty much a re-post of a posting on our blog about The Truths. So many of you wrote positive comments about that posting that I thought it may be a place to start. The columns I write for the The Partnership will be a personal account of our learning's through this parenting an addict. 

We will continue with our blog as a daily/weekly accounting of life with our son and the struggles of dealing with addiction. You cannot imagine the relief we get from those of you the support us with thoughts and comments. Thank you so much.

The Partnership home page is www.drugfree.org. There is a lot of good info and resources on their site.

Communication From Alex

We received a letter from Alex yesterday. It was written on 10/30. He told us about his transfer to El Dorado. When he arrived there they gave him a physical and he hadn't been feeling well and he registered a temperature of over 100. So he said they want to take no chances on the flu so they have put him in isolation and he has to spend 24 hours a day in his cell and he has a cell by himself. Plus when they bring him food he has to put on a face mask. When he wrote he said he was feeling better but he was still in isolation.

He also said he was tired of this life and he is going to change when he is released. He was worried that everyone had given up on him and had moved on and would not accept him when he gets out. There was a lot of reflection in his letter. His final thought was that if he ever gets to have a life and have kids he said he has some real stories to tell about how and why to avoid this life he has lived.

There is Hope. . .

The email we received from J. this weekend was surprising to say the least. It was wonderful to see that he was getting clean and doing the steps to stay that way. I think his blog will help me understand just what he and my son were going through.

This actually wasn't the first apology I had gotten from someone that had done drugs with my son. One day while having lunch at the grill across from my downtown office, a young man in painter's clothes came up to me. He asked if I knew who he was. I said yes, and called him by name. He said that he wanted to come over an apologize for getting Alex started down the wrong path of life. You see, he is the one that had first introduced our son to drugs. Back then, when I found out, I had forbid Alex to see or go over to his house (lot of good that did since he lived within walking distance to the high school). Alex had told me a couple of years ago that this fellow had gotten clean, gotten a good job painting and had found religion. He continued on telling me how he hoped Alex could get his life together, as well. He said he felt responsible for Alex's troubles. At the time I was relieved he's put it that way because the co-worker I was lunching with didn't know anything about Alex's troubles ( that is a story for another time). I smiled at him and said that I hoped Alex could get his life straightened out as well. He said he'd let me get back to my lunch, he had just wanted to apologize to me and Alex's dad for a long time. That day seemed like a good opportunity, since he saw me sitting there. I thanked him for coming over and wished him well.

When he left I sat there half thankful that he had gotten his life together and believe it or not half jealous that he - who had introduced the poison to my son-appeared to be doing so well. I wanted that for my son. 

I've been thinking after this latest apology, what courage these guys have had to come to me and dad. I hope they know how good it feels to us, not just to receive the apology but more getting the courage to approach us on their own. By doing this they have showed us there is hope for our son-- and your son or daughter as well.

~mom~

A Letter In My E-Mail

On Sunday morning Mom and I were going to visit Alex at the El Dorado State Prison. His visiting hours were 8:30 in the morning. So we had to leave KC at 4am. After a 180 mile drive one way we found out he was not allowed visitor until his evaluation and assessment period was complete and that would be in 4-6 weeks. So turn around and return another 180 miles. I had read the visiting info online but it said nothing about that.

Before we left I checked my e-mail. Quite a coincidence but we received an e-mail at 2am and I checked it at 3:30. I printed the e-mail and took it with me to show Alex but that didn't work out.

I responded to the the sender with my own e-mail and I ask him if I could re-print his e-mail on this blog with his identity hidden. he graciously allowed his permission. I feel this is a powerful testimony that when they want to quit it can happen, just comes down to the "want to".

Mr. and Mrs. Grover-

My name is J. You guys don't know me, but I know you've seen me before, when I would drop Alex off at the end of the driveway on the street. I feel as if I owe you both a HUGE and heartfelt apology, because in a way, I helped your son feed his addiction while feeding my own at the same time. I am an addict. However, I have been clean since April, and in a way, your son inspired me to clean my act up. Whenever I would ditch school to pick him up in the afternoon to go get high, I saw what kind of lifestyle addiction leads to.

I first met Alex on Christmas Eve last year...I was with a mutual friend, and was just about to drop said mutual friend off, when he called and asked if we could pick him up. So we did, and that was the beginning of my, at the time, drug-friendship with Alex. Over the course of the next two or so months, I got to know him a bit more, and saw that if he could just clean up and straighten his life out, he could be successful. I sincerely hope Alex can overcome the evil demon of addiction, because it can be done, and that comes from first-hand experience. It is a difficult road, but it is worth it in the end. My parents felt the same way you guys did, and so I feel I can relate to you on so many fronts.

I discovered your blog just randomly poking around on facebook, and I'm not gonna lie I read the entire thing, and it was very eye-opening to see things from a parent's perspective. My constant prayers and support for you both, and Alex as well. I have faith that he can ultimately overcome this demon, and when he does, the relief you ALL will experience will be overwhelming.   

Wishing you the best, J

Someone Needs Support

Here is a 19 year old recoving oxy addict. He sounds like he is working his issue. Check it out, he is just beginning his blog.

http://aviatorhawk09.blogspot.com/

The World of IS vs the World of OUGHT

It is very hard to live with a son incarcerated. I know all the sides of he is safer there than using on the street, he needs time clean to help get his head on straight, he did things wrong and he must pay. These are all things I have written before and they are actually things I have come to believe and trust. However, that doesn't stop the emotional turmoil that boils inside of you when you think about incarceration and what it means. You miss your son, you still worry about his safety and most of all you constantly think about if any of this is doing any good to help him with his disease.

I think as a parent, not just a perspective of a parent of an addict, we are always wrestling with the concept; the world of "what is" versus the world of "what ought to be". As it pertains to our own children we make it personal. No matter if your child is an angel or an addict we parents want the best for our kids. We want them to never learn a lesson the hard way. We want them to listen to the wisdom we have acquired over the years. We want smooth sailing and calm waters as they grow and mature. This is "the world of ought to be".

The world of "what is" causes us pain. The world of "what is" only allows us as parents to do the best we know to do and are capable of doing. That world requires our kids at times learn there lessons the hard way. The reality too is that if our children listened to us all the time and did as we ordered there would be very few free thinkers. Innovation and progress would slow. Our progress as a species relies on our children not being satisfied with the status quo. Unfortunately, many times that causes us parents anguish and grief.

What are the lessons learned and how does this all apply to our son and us? Yesterday our son was transferred from the county jail to the Department of Corrections prison in El Dorado, KS. I can be angry but that will change nothing but my blood pressure. I can bemoan the fact that he shouldn't be there, he ought to be in treatment. I can stress about the past and how he ought to have stayed away from the drugs and those people that led him down this path. He ought to, I ought to, they ought to, ought to, ought to, ought to. As it pertains to my son and his situation "ought to" is a thought process that leads to anger. Trust me when I say that dealing with my sons addiction in the past anger has been a domineering emotion and upon reflection it has not served me well. Nothing changed or got better while I was angry, me being angry was just me being stubborn.

The world of "what is". It has been very hard for me at times accepting the fact that if something is wrong, like his addiction, I cannot change/fix it. That's living in the world of what "ought to be". Moving towards the world of "what is" allows that I cannot change this. I must accept what it not only does to him but what it does to me also. If the world of "ought to be" was my design there would be more rehab centers, there would be no drugs and there would be a lot less sons and daughters incarcerated and they would be getting the help and treatment they need. Living in the world of "what is" allows me to speak and try to get people to recognize the need for treatment centers for this disease. Living in the world of "what is" I realize I have little effect on the influx of narcotics into my world, however I have a platform where I can try to educate others before they begin, convince them early not to enter this world of pain.

"What is" versus what "ought to be" causes pain. I am not saying we accept the status quo simply because it is what it is. My point is getting angry over this struggle serves no useful purpose. There is a reason things are the way they are. Until we have a very clear understanding of the whole picture, not just the picture we are allowed to see we will never move closer to the world of ought to be. It is a struggle because the picture is ever changing but if we are all doing the best we can then that means we are doing all we can. Isn't that all you can expect from anyone, no matter if they are an addict or an angel.


ps.: As a side note, we have been doing this blog for about 9 months and we have been writing what we feel and any way we feel. A couple weeks ago I found out from another blogger you could have your blog submitted to people that review blogs for content, appearance and I guess just a general critique. I decided to ask for constructive help and submitted ours to see if we could make it better for you readers. We got a 4/5. If you are interested you can see the critique posted online at: http://www.bloggeries.com/blog/

Found Him

I guess I was a bit premature in thinking we had lost track of our son. Our son called the other evening and told us he was still at the Butler County Detention. I went in to the computer after our conversation and it showed him still there but the page looked different. I guess maybe they had taken down that part of the site to make modifications and the default was just no information. We all know what kind or assumptions that leads to. With an addict it is ALWAYS the worse case scenario.

Our conversation went well. Dad has a real problem with not lecturing. I try very hard to carry on a normal conversation about whatever but for some reason I find myself always coming back to his addiction. I know it stems from my control issues but I am self-aware of that weakness so at least I am working on my issues. I also know that there is nothing in my mind that overshadows his addiction and my wanting him well again. I know what I'm going to hear from everyone but no matter what is right or wrong, I as a human sometimes want what is not mine to have. At least not right now, but as a human I also have within me the best thing going for humans and that is HOPE.

Alex is looking forward to getting out. I do not discuss with him what it is like in jail. I can tell he doesn't much care for it, he is always making plans and worrying. He tells me he is worried about getting job, worried about where to live. My advice to him was to end all non-productive thought processes like worrying and begin a concrete process of goal setting and the planning of action steps to make the goals attainable. His response was that, I had been telling him that stuff all his life and he thinks he might ought to give it a try. All I can do is cross my fingers.

He ask about one of his childhood friends step-mother. We found out she had cancer and told him she was not doing well last time he called. I told him she died a week ago. He was quiet for a minute. I told him that his life of drugs was stealing from him. I said the addiction was stealing the most precious thing he possessed, time. I said that Brooke was having her 1st birthday on Friday and that she will miss him very much and she didn't even know it yet because she didn't know him.

Life goes one while our addicts battle this disease. They miss so much but seldom realize it until it is too late. But for all of us that love addicts we must also remember that life goes on as they battle this disease.

Where Did He Go?

I guess our son is now in the custody of the Kansas Department of Corrections in El Dorado, KS. He is no longer listed under the county jail inmates and his last call he said he was probably going to transferred.

His impression is that he is still scheduled to be released on Nov. 29 but from what Mom and I see it could be not until Feb. 2010. I guess it really doesn't matter much after his release by Johnson County, then Wyandotte County wants him. This warrant rolling is insidious but he did it to himself so it is hard for me to work up a lot of sympathy. After all, all of his troubles are a direct result of his actions while using and everything he has done is in direct conflict to what we worked our lives to teach him while he was growing up. Reconciling that is the hardest part of this issue. Did he not listen to ANYTHING we said while he was young?

Mom seems to struggle with her frustration of the legal system. She doesn't understand why the system is so antiquated concerning communications. I really don't either but my philosophy is that "it is what it is", her mindset is more personal to her baby. The actual truth is if my company operated as inefficiently as the court systems across boundaries we would be out of business. My feeling is they operate so inefficiently and are so obtuse because they can, or they do not know better cause they are just government employees feeding at the taxpayer trough and have no incentive to get better.

There are many things coming up to distract us from our son's issues. I am more focused on my little granddaughters first birthday this week.

Maybe this seems cold and callous but I take advantage of his being incarcerated by putting his everyday life out of my realm of concern. His food, shelter and behavior is someone elses concern now. There is going to be a day soon ??? that he will be released. Right now I don't yet have a plan for my role or reaction but I know something must be done. I am not one that does things on a whim in these types of circumstances. What my role is as a father I really don't know, suggestions would be appreciated.

It Was Cold

Another Fall Festival in the books for 2009. It was cold, the high temperature for the day was 46 and the low was 31, plus the wind was blowing. Normal high for KC on this date is 72. Needless to say it was freezing for everyone. The theme this year was Fall on the Farm, hence the tractor pics and so many people wearing their western wear and cowboy boots.

Despite the temperatures everyone that showed up appeared to really have fun. We had a big fire and that proved to be the most popular spot in the yard. Maybe even more popular than the food tables. Even with it being cold people still played games like kids, and some of them were actually kids.

If you are interested the photos are posted at our flickr page: http://www.flickr.com/photos/15120866@N05/sets/72157622570799408/

ps.: can you believe that is the same baby as in our profile picture?

Fall Festival

The countdown has begun. Each year for the last 6 years we have hosted a Fall Festival at our house. It is an event that starts at 2 and goes until ???. It is Sat. the 10th. One year there were still teens and young adults sitting around the fire at 2am. This is one of Dad and Mom's major distractions for the year that keep us going. It started with about 40 people and now has grown to 150 or more.

Everyone keeps coming back so we assume they are having fun. We have a big fire and everyone cooks hot dogs and marshmallows on the fire, there is chili and everyone brings Fall type treats. We play games all day and this year we are having a hayride.

Yesterday we got all candy and toy the stuff we use as prizes for the games. We get a bunch of the "dime toys" for prizes for the little kids. They love getting something for playing and we have a blast giving it away and watching them. Already have all the hot dogs and chili fixin' stuff.

Fortunately we know some really talented people and they come do shows and play games. Dad and Mom have no talent at all. LOL One year we had a retired NFL quarterback come and play football with the kids, I work with him. How many kids and teenagers get to go back to school on Monday and talk about playing football with a NFL player. I work with a guy that is an actual yo-yo champion and he has put on demonstrations, and gives lessons to the kids, it is amazing. I work with a person that raises snakes and she brings snakes for show and tell, I have seen people that have a deathly fear of snakes touching and holding them, and they are adults. My brother-in-law is an Eagle scout and he puts on demonstrations on making rope by hand. My son-in-law and his friend are home brewers and they make special beers for tasting for the event. My daughter makes homemade root beer and ginger ale. Glad we are surrounded by so much talent.

This year we decided to theme it Fall Festival at the Farm. Bringing down lots of hay from Mom's dad to pile around along with the big John Deere tractor to take pictures around. A picture is the price of admission, you must sit for a family photo record of the year, then my daughter and mom make me a photo book of the event. We also post them all on-line for everyone to see. We are hoping that people come dressed in "farm clothes". We actually get Christmas cards from people that use that photo on their card.

What really has amazed me is one year we sent out a scavenger hunt list with the invitations. This has become a dog eat dog competitive event. You cannot believe the trouble people go to and find the items and the they actually make displays to show them off. I have taken a "hands off" on that one, I make the list and I let Mom judge. I have actually started using riddles for some of the items. They have to figure out the answer to the riddle before they can get the item. The little kids get their chance too, when they first get there I give them a lunch sack with a list on it from things they can find in the yard, like a pine cone, acorn, red leaf and stuff like that. it's fun to see these kids running around looking for stuff and coming back to turn in a full sack to us for a sack of toys and candy.

Oh well, 5 days and counting. I am anxious. Lot's of work to go yet but nothing too serious. Of course my weed eater quit yesterday so I need to borrow son-in-laws to finish the yard but everything else is falling into place. It is suppose to be cool this Saturday, that makes it nice and everyone gets in an Autumn mood.

BTW, if you're in the KC area and want to come, e-mail me and I'll send you the info. This is one way Dad and Mom keeps addiction from completely destroying our life, another lifeboat.

Addiction - As I Imagine It

Living with yourself while your addicted child is incarcerated.

This is my imagination at work. To recovering addicts if I am not exactly accurate, please forgive me. To parents of addicts if I am too graphic, please forgive me. This is just my imagination at work.

Caution: Adult language ahead. This is a fictional story that I play out in my mind when I begin to feel sorry for myself or for my addict while he is in jail.

I told dad once needing to use is like breathing, sometimes I think using is more important than breathing, or at least just as.

God, I can't stand it, answer the fucking phone, answer the phone. Shit nobody wants to answer. Yea, I'll call her. Yea, are you holdin'?

Yea I got some, what ya need.

I need 80's can I come in to get 'em?

Yea, but listen mother fucker don't come showing up again with a fuckin' old Barbie doll from the 1960's in the orginal box with your goddamn mother's name written on the back of the box in crayon. What do you think I am a fuckin' toy collector. You ain't got cash then fuck off.

OK, I'll bring cash this time.

What can I get this time, they don't leave shit for cash in this house any more. Dad's stuff downstairs. Yea, this will work, a DeWalt Saw. Shit this thing is brand new.

Evan, you gotta come over, take me to KCK. I need to pick up some stuff.

OK, I'll be right over.

Hey, glad you came fast, I'm hurtin'. We got to stop at the shop on the way, you know the one on State.

OK, no problem.

What can I get for this saw? It's a Dewalt and it's new.

Where'd you get this? Did you steal this?

No, I work construction. It's my saw I just need some cash. Give me $25.

No man it is only worth $10 in pawn. Grinning because he knows the kid is strung out and needing.

$20 and you got a deal.

OK. Quickly handing over the cash for a tool he knows cost nearly $150 new.

Hey, I got 20 give me what you got for 20.

You cheap ass fucker. Get some real money from now on or find somebody else to dick with. The guy she is living with is on couch sitting there stretched out. It must be uncomfortable with gun in his belt against his gut but he isn't somebody to fuck with.

Come on Evan let's get outta here.

We're home, get your kit man your in bad shape, I gotta go, outta here bye.

OK, upstairs. Back downstairs, where are those fucking matches. God damn it they ain't in the drawer. Oh yea, dad grilled steaks last night, look on that table next to the door to the deck. Yea, here they are.

Light the candle, get the water. Come on baby, don't burn the shit, don't get it too hot man. That's good, that's good. Pull tight. Sure glad that dad saved all his old worn out belts...........


There are 2 endings to this story. This is like some of those new DVD's or computer games where you can choose your scenes. It's your choice, pick the one you want to read.


ENDING #1

It's a good vein. They ain't all gone yet. Slow and steady, watching the needle press against and then puncture the skin. Pulling back to draw a little blood into the syringe and then a slow push of the thumb. A calm peacefulness settles into his face as the syringe empties. The anxiety is gone, life is calm and right. Relaxing, man this good. Breathing is settling into a normal pattern now. this will hold me for a while. Gotta pick this stuff up.

Blow out the candle, stash this stuff behind the tupperware storage box in the closet. Grinning, I bet dad doesn't even miss this old belt.



ENDING # 2

It's a good vein. They ain't all gone yet. Slow and steady, watching the needle press against and then puncture the skin. Pulling back to draw a little blood into the syringe and then a slow push of the thumb. A calm peacefulness settles into his face. His head droops towards his chest, cocked to the side, his jaw open slightly. His body slumps and his chest moves in a very shallow irregular pattern. Soon there is no movement. His eyes half open, blank, no blinks. Nothing there to even take out the needle. The candle slowly burns down and out, the flame flickering its last life.




Hi babe, it's me. Are you out of work early today? On your way home? Half way there? I'm just leaving the office now, I'll be there soon. See you when I get there. Bye, love you.

_________________________________________________

This is what enables me to sleep at night while my son is in jail. One day I know he will beat this demon but until he is ready I want him in a place where I know he is watched.


2 posts in one day, be sure to read CDC Report also.

CDC Report

Drugs Set Deadly Trend

In the Oct. 1 edition of the Kansas City Star there was an article datelined Atlanta from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). This article highlighted that as of 2006 data in 16 states deaths from drugs outnumbered deaths from automobile crashes in those states. Nationwide auto crash deaths are greater than drug deaths but within these states drug deaths outnumber auto related deaths. Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, Illinois, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, Oregon, and Washington hold the dubious honor of these statistics.

You can read the whole article at this link:
http://www.kansascity.com/news/local/story/1481612.html

I have a belief that the horror of this epidemic will not be realized until the local news begins to cover the deaths of addicts in the same way they cover the deaths in auto crashes. My personal belief is most people not closely associated with addiction probably just shrugs off the death of another "low life, drug addict". Perception is a real problem that we with addicted loved ones face in our families and community.

"Drug overdoses make up the vast majority of the drug related deaths, and there was a sharp increase in fatalities tied to cocaine and to drugs known as opioid analgesics - including methadone, fentanyl, sedatives and prescription pain killers such as Vicodin and Oxycontin." Mike Stobbe, Associated Press

This is data from the last year available, 2006. I have to believe the problem has gotten no better in 2009. The CDC does not yet have finalized data for 2007 and subsequent years.

Margaret Warner, epidemiologist with the CDC who co-authored the report, "Drug poisonings are definitely going up."

Boundaries

We went to visit our son in jail on Sunday. I know that I have said we don't visit. That is one of our boundaries. I'll have more to say about later.

Alex looked good. He was in good spirits but was very concerned about where he was to go when he is released. He seemed to have reconciled that if he could not get into a clean living environment he was homeless in the winter. This was causing a great deal consternation with him and I could tell with that on his mind he was not focusing on what I felt was actually more important, how were things going to be different this time. We finally told him that where he would live after he got out was actually a simple problem to solve, there are many options and this is an easy issue, it only takes money. We ask him to focus more on "what" was going to happen when he got out. How is it going to be any different this time. He seemed a bit relieved but I'm not sure he actually understands how much bigger that issue is to deal with rather than where to live. But that goes to an addicts one day at a time and living only in the moment.

When we have set a boundary about not visiting in jail because jail is punishment why would we go visit and violate our own boundary? Actually, we went for mom. Mom had been having bad dreams about Alex and in all of her bad dreams was Alex and all of her dead friends and relatives. She was troubled by this. I'm not sure if she puts much stock in that sort of thing as a premonition or something but she is religious and so she was worried. I just look at it as a dream and so what, but it troubled mom so that troubles me. The visit calmed her worries.

To be clear, I do not see boundaries as a solid impenetrable wall that resembles something like the Berlin Wall with heavy life or death consequences at the mere thought of violating them. I see boundaries that we set for ourselves more like a rope line. There is a clear demarcation of where we should not go, there is security to make sure we know there are consequences for crossing but there are circumstances that necessitate crossing the line and there may be consequences that you or your loved one may have to pay for that crossing.

Boundaries must be set after much calm and reasoned thought. My experience of setting boundaries in the heat of battle with my addict resulted in failure every time. Especially because those boundaries I was probably hollering were being set for him or at him and not for me. If you are setting boundaries for yourself and using a calm deliberate approach success can be more easily achieved and you can control your own actions. That really goes well with the control freak in me.

Setting good boundaries for yourself allows you, the loved one of an addict to bring a measure of sanity into an insane situation.

More Hurting Parents

As we all know the longer we are entangled in this scourge of addiction the wider the web grows. I have found a couple other blogs whose situations with 21 year old sons so closely parallel ours it is uncanny. Both people are fairly new to blogging and I hope everyone has enough room to welcome them into our world of self help. The first is:

Blinded By Love For J

http://blinded-by-love-for-j.blogspot.com/

Another one:

Loving and Parenting an Addict

http://lisac-lovingandparentinganaddict.blogspot.com/

It's funny the first post I read on this blog was entitled "I'm Not In Kansas Any More" As you all know, we are still in Kansas. (and still love it)

What still amazes me is the scope of this problem. Two blogs, one family in CA and the other in OH, all sharing circumstances and a common issue with us that live here in KS. And when I see that counter on my blog with people hitting this page from over 50 countries, sometimes it just leaves me in shock. To me this is a worldwide problem with consequences on people and governments just as serious as wars, terrorism and economic turmoil.

When I speak of having a son that is addicted I find most times the other person begins to relate stories of someone in their family or extended family suffering from the same. I have pondered the ramifications of this many times. It has come to be my belief that drug usage needs a more personal face. Parents, brothers, sisters, friends and everyone connected needs to stand up and demand more accountability from our governments for drug addiction. Politicians find it easy to pound their fist about drug addiction and it is easy to brag about how many addicts and dealers they have put in prison on their watch. Addiction is a disease. We need our leaders look for new answers, our current methodologies of dealing with addicts once they are in the system are only marginally effective. The power of every person touched by drug addiction is to big for our leaders to ignore. This affects us all.

I am asking everyone that reads this blog, when you are done here go to your U.S. Representatives website and e-mail them, ask what they are doing about drug addiction. For those from other countries, do the same with your government, if you are allowed to do this. I do see there are visitors to our blogs from some very repressed countries, do what is safe for you in your place. We all need to be heard more loudly and with a larger voice to get something done.

Can't Fix Stupid

Made someone very happy today. I called them and offered them a job. They were very excited and will begin work on next Monday.

At the same time I was kinda sad. This is the job my son screwed up. He was hired to fill a temporary position however a person here is leaving to join the military and my son would've been good to slide into that position. In fact everyone was happy with his work and he was working hard. But, we all know how that ended. A probation violation for missing his ride back to the residential center and he was shipped off to jail and has been there ever since. WHAT A WASTE! There is some comedian that does a whole routine about "You Can't Fix Stupid". I think this applies. (and everyone knows I tried)

I've never been in jail and hope to never go but, my hope is that my son has a lot of time for reflection and can make some decisions about how he wishes to live his life.

Peaceful soon-to-be Autumn

I know autumn doesn't officially get here until next week.

It has been quiet on the home front. We are just getting ready for our Fall Festival that we hold each year. Been waiting on the grocery stores to put all the ingredients needed on sale and this week the chili beans and crackers hit the sale advertisement. That fills out our list. I'll pick up 60 cans of chili beans tonight. Already have 25 pounds of hamburger cooked up and nearly 200 hot dogs waiting for fire. I hope it is cooler this year than it has been for the last couple years. Last couple years it has been nearly 80 and it is hard to get in the mood for Fall when it is that warm.

Son is still in jail and will be until Nov. 29. If you don't know what it is like living with an addict you would probably think we are mean and cruel but the peace and rest of having him away for a while is rejuvenating. We do not visit while he is in jail. Someone ask me about that the other day and I explained it like time out. When you send your little one to time out it is not effective if as soon as they are sitting in the corner you run over and begin reading a book to them. Never been there but I see jail as adult time out, probably a bit harsher

I have been thinking about how can we put this experience with our son to use as a positive in a more personal and effective way. With this blog we have come into the open. That has been a helpful experience for Mom and Dad. We stopped hiding quite a while ago, and got over the embarrassment and shame. My thoughts now are centered on creating a presentation for parents of teenagers. The experience of being a parent of an addict. I'm now trying to find the best way of communicating lessons learned, and making it easier for those parents that are "lost" in this world of addiction or parents that are aware that this can happen to anyone and want information and knowledge. We'd have given our right arm to know then what we know now, but I also recognize this is very personal for every person and learning happens at the pace an individual allows it to happen. I took a big step today, I contacted a friend within our local school district and offered my services to speak to parents or teachers. This would be my first step and I really hope they see the benefit of having a person speaking in first person about the experience and learning.

Good Question

Last night at dinner, friends posed a very good question. If Alex was a bright rebellious 13 year old again what would you look for and try to change.

Many many things came to mind immediately when you think about what would I do different. We've ask ourselves that question 100's of times but my time machine still has a few bugs so I am reluctant to begin human testing. But quickly I came up with 3 things we didn't think were so critical but in hindsight we believe had a huge impact on his life today.

1. Know your child's friends. I don't mean the names or stories. Know them, their habits, their parents and what they are interested in. If your child talks about his friends but they do not hang out at your house. They won't bring them over to meet you or let you get to know them. RED FLAGS!!! Your child knows you won't approve if you are not allowed to meet and hang with his friends too.

2. Skate parks mix all ages. you will find 10 years to 19 year old at these places. When younger kids mix with older kids the younger kids will soak up every bad habit and word the older ones do and say. We may think that 17 year old and maturity is an oxymoron but 17 year old does have a different maturity level than a 14 year old and 14 year old idolize and worship being a part of an older group. Teenagers belong with their own age, sometimes even 1 year difference can make a difference, especially if you have a mature 16 and an immature 15 year old. Why am I picking on skate parks? Skate parks are unsupervised and most of the time I see very few parents sitting there just watching their 14 year old son for hours on end skating.

3. Your child's group, click, gang, buds or whatever you want to call it. Whoever you child is hanging with is a mirror image of your child. If your child is hanging with some bad characters and you make excuses that "my kid is a good influence on them." (we did this) I got a bridge in Brooklyn for sale and it is a bargain price just for you and you only.

These three things were just from the top of my head. The common thing that is overriding in these three things is you must be involved in your kids life. We were involved but sometimes bad things still happen. What haunts us is "what if, what if, and what if." My thoughts are, when you think you are involved, just try a little harder and insist on a little more involvement and intervention. We all know how much a teenager wants their parents in there life, most of them are actually begging for it, right? "No" and "leave me alone" and "treat me like an adult" are not permission slips for us to abdicate our responsibility.

I wanted to post some things about this, and maybe list something that you can do before they start down the wrong path. You go to the drug prevention sites and you get a lot of info about how to tell if your kid using. Bad grades, mood changes, being secretive, these are things after the horse left the barn. If you have read this far and have other thoughts we'd love to have a list of ideas from people that have had the experience.

This isn't a list of do this, then everthing will be fine. These are just some thoughts of parents that have been there.

Imposing

An update, our son is in jail for a probation violation. On good behavior his release would be Nov. 29. If he has troubles he will stay longer. This time so far has given me a chance to deliberate upon my own problems and actions concerning his addiction.

It is difficult for me to recognize that my son is an adult and responsible for his own actions. I think that comes with the territory of being a parent. As many of you know that follow this blog he is 21 years old. It is easy to recognize that age as an adult in others but with him and for me I struggle at times. This I must do for him to get better.

Most of you know I am a control freak, I have written about that many times and it helps when I am able to write and do a third party analysis on my own behavior and thoughts. As a part of my efforts to control I impose upon my son. I try to impose my lifestyle, my interests, my values and my "words of wisdom". I think that is OK and may work when they are young but when they get older and begin developing their own life it think it doesn't work as well.

When he is released it will be difficult. The urge to help him and push him into doing what is right is strong but those tactics have been an abysmal failure to date. It is time for us to allow him to succeed or fail on his own. I believe this time if he fails it will be catastrophic but I'm not sure mom or dad have to power to prevent his fall. Nor do we have the power to make him succeed.

I must not impose upon him what I believe. He will figure on his own what works and doesn't. I'm not sure I have anything left to tell him or teach him that I haven't already tried.

It is time for life and others to provide the lessons.

KC Readers

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Weekends Can Help To Heal

We spent the weekend at the lake. We needed the escape. It can be healing to and helpful just to change the scenery.

When our son is not in jail we share the experience that many of you have. Weekends are often a dreaded time. Seems as if you look forward to the time off work but those phone calls in the middle of the night disturb any relaxation.

I still struggle every day to understand what drives this addiction crap. Accepting is not something that comes easy for me. As someone that has not experienced an addiction it is difficult to me that a conscience decision to abandon that lifestyle is not simply just a choice that can be made.

With that I accept my son and the life he lives. I don't condone it, I don't understand it but it comes with the territory. I must accept it. That in no way means I must continue on with the same life I have been living for the last 6 years. At some point he must accept my life and my conditions to maintain a typical father/son relationship also. Maybe he isn't there yet, and maybe I'm not there yet. Tomorrow is another day.