Sunday, March 1, 2009

Mom's First Post, Finally

This week, I finally did some things I've been putting off. We'd put off going through and cleaning the room our son was staying in, while on house arrest. Each time he's left, we have had to go through everything in the bedroom, looking for his paraphernalia he's hidden. We never know were we will find it, sometimes just sitting behind a cabinet door, sometimes hidden in a spot he is sure we'd never look or find. The last time he'd went to jail, we cleaned his room the very next day. Boxing up all his clothes & stuff , took down the bed and tucked it all in a closet. We had told him he'd crossed the boundaries an no longer had a room in our home. When he came walking in late Xmas eve, we felt no choice, but to let him do his house arrest here, so he pulled the mattress out of the closet and shortly after, began to once again bring in his "stuff" and hide it. Cleaning this time was no different,there was some stuff in a Bart Simpson game box and some in a small bag inside a large trash bag of clothes that he was making to give the Good Will. When you are cleaning, you always hope you won't find anything- but then you do. So many emotions go through you, from anger, to disgust, to sadness. It is so stressful and draining. I know that's why we put it off for so long, this time.

His dad has been after me to add to the blog. He's been doing such a wonderful job of expressing the things we've been going through. But after accomplishing the room, I decided I might as well add some thoughts. It's not that I haven't wanted to add to the blog, actually I've written tons of entries to the blog, in my mind. I guess I just couldn't bring myself to write it down. Writing it down makes it so "R E A L"!

One of our fellow bloggers has a clip art that says "This is not the Life I signed up for". That saying is definitely my feelings. Having to keep cleaning out a room to make sure it is safe for family & friends to be in, again waiting to see what happens to our son in court tomorrow. You know, the stuff parents of addicts have to go through. We didn't sign up for - but we endure, we put one foot in front of the other and make it through another day.


Fractalmom said...

my saying was always..."God never gives me more than I can handle, but there are DAYS when HE has a whole lot more confidence in me than I do.

Our thoughts are with you, and prayers as well. This is a long, but sadly, not lonely, road we walk.

Athena said...


Lou said...

I was out of town, I wanted to comment on the last post. I think it's too late now, your son's court date is today..but I was going to suggest you go to court. At your son's young age the judge will look for family support. You can ask to speak, usually the judge welcomes that. If you do, I would ask to have the son placed in a diversion program. My son had his longest clean time after a court ordered boot camp. I say this because letting your son sit in jail will not get him to stop using. You can't "make" him stop, but like most parents, you still hope to do what may help him at some point. I don't agree with some of the previous comments, my husband or I take turns going to court. I think to myself it may be the last time I see my son, so I want to live with my decisions.

And Mom, it is so painful. Please don't give up hope.

A Feast for the Eyes said...

Dear Mom,
I am so pleased to see that you have put your blogs in your thoughts (I've carried my share of those). I so can remember those days of packing my son's belongings. When my son relapsed, right after Christmas, my husband did the "deed" for me. I could not do it, because my heart was breaking. I finally know what those pieces of foil with the black strip naive I was then.

I am praying for you, and my family of bloggers who are parents of addicts. We are all here to support one another.


Cat said...

Writing it down is hard - I think in some ways it was harder for me to write about it all than it was to go through his room and find the stuff, press charges that I knew would put him on probation...Being a parent is hard.

I just wanted to let you know you were not alone and to keep writing becuase even though its hard - for me it helps with the process of recovery.


Syd said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. I don't have children so can only imagine your pain. Hopefully, there will come a point when the pain eases some and there will be recognition that your son has a Higher Power as do you.

kristi said...

Please update us on what happens in court today. (hugs)

CC said...

I ache with you.