Changing the way you think. It is so easy to get caught up in their world. The machine gun changes of mood, the non-stop movement, trying to follow a train of thought. Try to keep up with someone that has a chemically altered state of being is not only challenging, it is exhausting. It takes more than one person. Every minute alone that you get you are stressed and waiting for the next exchange.
Maintaining sanity in an insane situation takes effort and when you are struggling day to day you just struggle. Using logic to assess an illogical behavior is an exercise in futility. This is extremely frustrating to me and in truth frustration and me do not get along well. Frustration leads to anger and anger leads to taking it out on somebody. Luckily for me I have a very patient, understanding and loving bride.
It is important I get back to living the way we use to live before this insidious addiction. I have always been a very goal oriented person. Short term, mid-term and long term goals were just a normal part of my life. Seems like I was always assessing where I was at in staying on track. Guess that makes me a control freak.
A bit of humor from rehab at Valley Hope. In one of the small group sessions a counselor was really grilling me. Guess she had me sized up pretty fast. Right in front of the group she said I know you,"You took that "control test" the first day. You scored 44, God scored 45 and you demanded to take the test again." She's right, that's me.
In recovery, the mantra is one day at a time. Whatever works for the addict I am in favor of. That will not work for me. I must get back to being my goal oriented self for my own health. One day at a time is what justifies me sitting on this couch in front of the idiot box. One day at a time is what facilitates this weight gain. One day at a time is what allows everyone else to control my life. One day at a time is what allows me to do whatever is needed and necessary at work and not what is exceptional. One day at a time is what allows me to let my hobbies and projects slide.
I am aware. I must change.