Do you ever blame yourself for what you son is doing?
That was a question a student ask during on of my presentations on Friday. My answer, "Every single day." As a parent I have that thought in my mind constantly. Rationally I know his adiction belongs to him and I didn't cause it but never the less at times I take ownership in the actions of all my kids, not just the addicted one.
How do we keep from making mistakes of the heart? Doing an honorable thing and having the result become a dishonorable event seems to be something that happens with parents of an addict.
Last week my son began his new job. He has been living with his girlfriend her two daughters and a friend he grew up with that lived across the street. At one point none of them had work, girlfriend and friend had been laid off and son hadn't found a job yet. Last week my son started working, the neighbor boy from across the street got called back to work and this week the girlfriend got called back to work. The bad part about it was that rent was due and girlfriend's parents had helped them last month so our son called and ask if I would loan him money for rent. They were all working but none had gotten a paycheck yet so I felt good about loaning him money.
We had already been sending down some care packages of food and stuff, this is nothing different than we had done for each of our girls when they were that age. So on Wednesday last week he came up to ask for a loan. He had been doing well, staying clean and excited about his new job. We were happy for him even if it had only been less than a month since the last time he relapsed. I gave him the money. Plus I added some extra and told him this was for groceries. His friend was with him. I specifically said, "This extra money is for groceries, no cigarettes, tobacco, alcohol or drugs!" They were both very appreciative and left happy.
I don't know what happened after they left but the next evening I heard that he used. The rent money was now $30 and no groceries. Girlfriend took him to our oldest daughter's and she refused to take him and I think they knew not to come to our house.
I am still so angry I can hardly see straight. Angry at him but angry at myself too. I fell into that trap again. It's not like I don't know better! Can someone volunteer to kick me in the ass my leg is getting sore from kicking myself.
Do you ever blame yourself?
How much do we really own? I do own a small piece of last week. I know better. I gave an addict a handfull of twenty's. It's time to learn from the experience and move on.