Wednesday, March 27, 2013

1000's of Words

Over the course of this blog there has been thousands of words put to screen by me, not including thousands more by commenter's. I have reached that point I am stuck. Maybe it's called writers block or something like that but it's not really like that. I know what I want to say but I cannot come up with the right string of words to convey my message. This probably won't be neat and clean and many re-writes may be required but here goes.

When Alex stopped using there was a level of fear and suspicion that I am sure all of you understand. Yea sure, a familiar phrase, I've heard this before. Days turned into weeks, weeks morphed into months and months grew to years. The memories of horror and fear will never leave me but a comfort and peace has taken over in my mind. A new mantra has entered my life, "All things are possible."

The hard part is telling someone how I feel when I see Alex in comparison to what seems to be so long ago now. A simple one line post I wrote July 12, 2010 is a benchmark from where I start, "It is not good. With what is going on it probably won't be long." At that point I was so heartbroken and despondent that I couldn't even come up with a title, the title of the post was simply, "Untitled".

Today my son is a man, a father and a person I am proud to know and call my son. Sometimes I catch myself simply staring at him, it is as if I cannot believe I have been given more time with him. He did this and allowed us to all see what he can be instead of what we feared. I wish I knew better how to say what I really feel.

I'm not a good writer, I just throw words out about how I feel and what I think. I am at that point I don't know how to string the words together that adequately describe how I feel today about my son. So I just have to leave to you all to guess and try to imagine. I know some of you are experiencing this too with your sons and daughters, clear and sober where you never truly believed it could be possible. Maybe you can send me the words or help me because I am stuck.

To those parents that are still struggling I say never give up hope but place your hope where it belongs, not on them but on yourself. Where there is life there is hope. All things are possible. My hope lies with you, your poor sick children and your loved ones.

13 comments:

Bristolvol said...

I know how I feel about my daughter: eternally grateful. I know this is the same for you and your son.

Anonymous said...

It is wonderful for you both, that sanity has returned to your lives! And yes, my hopes include myself, but will never be completely satisfied as long as my child is destroying himself. The constant background anxiety that comes from the reality of danger associated with addiction is never far from my thoughts. I hope one day to experience the true sobriety of my son.

Annette said...

Oh Ron. I am so happy for you. AndyYou are a good writer...btw. You write from your heart, your truth just spills out. You can never go wrong there.

Annette said...

And you are...

Whose Andy??? LOL

Momma said...

Oh Ron, you are more eloquent than you think... and you always seem to express what I need to hear.... and what I feel.

I can't quite describe how I feel about my Son2, proud, hopeful, happy, grateful. It's wonderful to see both my sons become men.

Cynthia said...

Ron, to echo many whom have written their comments above and more that have not but have read your blogs including this latest.....you are a gifted and very eloquent writer. I feel every word you write because it is so articulate and honest. We're not there as far as our son is concerned but I read your (and others) posts and have hope. Keep writing and keep the faith.

Dad and Mom said...

Thank you all. All I know how to do is write what I think and feel. Glad to know you all appreciate it that way.

Tori said...

You are an amazing writer and have always left me in awe with your posts filled with love and compassion.

Even with B's relapses, I can't believe how much better it is. His addiction no longer takes up 85% of my time but maybe 20%.

He is still too newly sober for me to have the same comfort level you do and we have had many bumps a long the way but I am confident as long as he continues to try he is going to be just fine.

Meth Addiction-A Mothers Perspective said...

Your blog has helped countless people, and it was the first one I came upon when I found myself drowning in an ocean of fear for my son, with no idea how to find my way to shore. Your words validated the feelings I was having and helped me through the most painful experience of my life. Your son's continued sobriety gives me hope, and that is something all POAs need.

Syd said...

You wrote it really well, Ron. I am happy for Alex and for your family. Your love shines through.

v.paulson said...

The love and appreciation you have for the time you get to spend with your son is evident in your post.I am so happy that your son beat his addiction.I still cling to the hope that someday too I will feel this peace in my life. Please know how much these posts have helped me better understand addiction from a different point of view.It helps so much to know I am not alone in this terrible journey.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for giving me hope. I will do my best to cling to it. It is so very hard.

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