Friday, June 22, 2012

What's It Like?

I think back years ago and remember all the questions I had about addiction. That was me, trying to make sense of something that is senseless. It's impossible to use logic to decipher the illogical. There are no answers that make sense. Of course, in reality I had the answers in my mind already I just wanted confirmation. I needed someone to tell me I was right. I craved the validation that my thinking was right on and not just as skewed as an addicts.

It took so long for me to understand the answers to all those questions didn't effect the outcomes one bit. Not for me or my son. That was me living in the world of what "ought to be" instead of living in the world of "what is".

So just what's it like? I used to spend hours, days, years trying to get into my sons mind. If I could just understand I could fix it.

Much deliberation allowed me to figure out the truth. What's it like? The real answer is with me. I control myself. There is no way I can control my son or his addiction. Even in prisons and jails people and addictions can only be controlled to a barely manageable level. Just how arrogant is it to think that me alone could exert that much control over my son.

It is possible to have a life even if madness surrounds you. Maybe it's not the life you may have planned but make do, if you have lemons make lemonade. I learned the answer to my questions involve loving yourself enough to be happy. When you do that you make yourself more lovable and better able to face the demon of an addicted loved one.

What's it really like today? Appreciation is the only word that I can think of that describes what I see. I appreciate the fact that I learned and grew from this terrible experience. Nothing is so bad that a person cannot grow and learn, it is just hard sometimes.

I see Alex being a Dad. He does what he believes is best, I appreciate his work, even when I differ in opinion. I see my son work, earn a living, pay bills, raise a family. I respect my son, I hope he does me too.

My wish is that my son has the same appreciation for his life of sobriety as I do for his efforts and my life today. But I know that his life and struggle is his to live in his way. He must manage in the best way he knows and I get to manage mine in the best way I know. That is the respect I hope we share but no longer tell him that is the way it is going to be just because I am Dad.

Does it sound like I am proud of my son? Darn right I am. But I learned a lesson somewhat late that I was always proud of him even when his disease was active. Alex has always been a person and my son but he was a person dealing with a disease that he fought and for today is under is control. Final words for all that have read this far, never stop believing.

ps.: Another mom writing about her son: Meth Addiction - A Mothers Perspective

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Hitting The Road

The AC is in and working so I can now go on a ride. On Thursday I'm heading down to Kentucky. Going alone, mom has to work and I need to get outta town so it will be me alone this time. Some times a man just has to saddle up his horse alone and go.

Going to ride the Bourbon Trail around Louisville. Right around that area there are 6 distilleries and they are on the back roads and in the hills of central Kentucky. I hear the roads are twisty and nice. It should be a fun ride. The distilleries will be a nice distraction but the ride is the main attraction. The return trip I am doing the back roads through western KY to southern Missouri and back through the Ozark Mountains.

I know the area is would be a nice ride because a company I use to work for had a plant in Mt. Sterling, KY. I usually visited the plant about once a month. I'd fly into Lexington and got to see all the thoroughbred horse farms.

If there are any readers that live in that part of the country and want a cup of coffee or have lunch e-mail me. Alone time on a bike is good but it is fun meeting people and sharing stories.

Another Mom needs help.

In God me Trust

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Cruise Control

Mom went out last night and bought Tyler a new car seat. He is growing and last weekend when putting him in his old one you almost needed a shoe horn. We will take it down to Alex's tonight.

Everything is smooth. Leslie went to the doctor and the doctor said the baby is over 5 pounds and is 20" long and it isn't even due till July 23. Brooke is busy with swim lessons. Leslie's backyard backs up to the city pool parking lot. It is almost like having a pool in the backyard. The city rebuilt it over the last year and it is really a nice pool with diving, zero entry, climbing walls and all the pool accommodations to serve all ages.

Darlene is busy at work, they are short handed. Our business at my work is booming. Been working Alex and the guys in the plant 10 hours a day plus Saturday. A little overtime always makes the paychecks heavier. From experience I know overtime is not fun but smiles on payday, today.

Been working so much I have only gotten mom's bathroom at 95% complete. One more wall and some trim to paint and some touch up on sheet rock to be done. My mother and sister seem happy. It's all handicap accessible and now mom does not have to pull herself up using the shower doors and sink after using the bathroom and she can sit down in the shower. A huge round of applause and standing ovation goes out to those that helped, Brian, Brandon, Alex, Joey, Paul and my sister even got into painting and running for parts, Gigi. Can't forget Darlene and the girls, they probably had the hardest job, keeping Mom entertained and away while we worked.

It's been hot in KC and I have not got our air conditioner in yet. The compressor went out and the furnace and air was 20 years old so I am replacing it all. Another one of my past skills, went to vo-tech for refrigeration and appliance repair in a past life. Got a couple estimates of $8-9000 to replace so I bought new unit online. 15 SEER ac and 95% furnace plus all new lines, $3000. That's almost crazy to pay $5-6000 to have it done. We have a reclaim unit here at work so everything was done properly with the used refrigerant. I haven't ask Mom but I think I am not allowed a motorcycle trip until I get the air conditioner put in, Friday.

Not really a lot to report except normal life. Very busy here in KC but it is a good busy. Like I said, cruise control.

To all those struggling, keep the faith. I actually went back and read some of my stuff before July 2010. Where there is life there is hope. Two years ago I could not even imagine this life. That's why appreciation for today is so important. You never can know when a profound experience can happen so take care of yourself and allow your addicted love one to make the decision. Love has more influence than anger and hurt. Alex never talks about his life back then but the one thing he did say was, "No matter anything I knew you guys never gave up on me."