Friday, May 28, 2010

Face Value, Entitlements and Horror

This morning is beautiful. The sun is shining the temperature is 70 and I rode to work without a jacket and there was hardly any traffic. The coffee is god, I'm sorry, that was a typo it should be, good.

I logged on and checked the blogs I follow. Three of them struck a nerve this morning and rather than just comment to them I decided to write about them here, and share the links.

Renee at Mom Trying To Detach With Love spoke about the guilt you feel when you have to tell your child no.

We all face this with our addicts. It is impossible to take our addicts at face value. As much as we want to trust and feel that security and appreciation of helping someone that asks for help we cannot fall into that trap. Exhausting is the only word I can think of that describes the effort it takes to stand firm against the constant barrage of issues facing the parent of an addict. I sometimes long for the day that I will be able to take at face value what may son says to me. Maybe that day may never come. Guilt of saying no is something we lay upon ourselves. I'm getting a lot better at shedding that guilt now that I know where it comes from.

Jan wrote of entitlements, There Is No Hero In Heroin this is a great posting about the mentality of my son and maybe many others. Poor pitiful me is how it all starts. No accountability for their own actions, just a plea of, "will you please..........?"

We want so bad just to give them that one little thing. With that hope of giving one more little item of comfort will show them the light. It doesn't work that way and I am so glad this mother sees that. It took me a long time to see that I could not bargain away my son's addiction.

Today gifts are given with no expectation of appreciation or change. My lesson has been learned that if you give your addict a gift it has to be because you are a giving person, there can be no expectation attached because that only sets you up for heartache.

CC at Mother Of A Beautiful Addict Boy has only written two posts. She a mother just now entering this horror as the parent of an addict.

It seems like only yesterday her feelings were gnawing in our gut. This is a horror I do not think any of us parents can forget. It is so ingrained in me I only hope that when I die my last thought is not of this horror. It does get better but it is always just below the surface.

There is a horror in discovering your son is an addict. But there is a time it will be better for you, even if your son continues to use. The horror of that discovery never goes away but the pain becomes manageable and then finally you find that you can go on living even with this horror of having an addicted child. There will be times you sink into that horrible place by something or someone that reminds you of that time. But that feeling will go away too. You learn eventually that the feeling of horror is yours to control.

Thank you to those mothers that wrote their inspiring posts today.

11 comments:

CC said...

Thank you for your encouragement. I had no idea how much such words would help when coming from someone on the same journey. There is a magic about sharing unspeakable pain, I suppose. Thank you again. -CC

Bristolvol said...

Great post, Ron. I will never forget exactly 6 years ago on Memorial Day, when I learned that my daughter is an addict. She told me later that she had taken 2 Oxys and gotten into her car to join her Dad and some friends 8 hours away at the beach. She even took her 5 year old niece with her on the ride. Her stepmother confronted her about her skinny appearance while at the beach and she confessed to abusing Oxycontin. She later called me that day and told me. I will never forget how I felt at that moment. I was in the kitchen waiting on something baking in the oven and I remember that I left it in there and it set off the smoke detector. But now I am living my life and she lives hers. We all have a choice, and her life is her business. I miss her so much and hope to see her again some day.

Syd said...

I am glad that you have reached the point of letting go. Love doesn't end but trying to control does.

Anna said...

Thanks Ron. This is a great post and so very true. I also like Syds comment....love doesn't end but trying to control does.

Jan said...

I am so afraid to let go, Ron. For many reasons. But mostly, because I love him.

Barbara said...

I have a feeling my dying thoughts will be about this horror. Like you said, its always under the surface. No one can understand how this feels unless they've been there. Well meaning friends that have no idea how this feels think I am over-reacting. That's fine, I rather have them think that then have them know what it feels like to be in our shoes. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

P.S. Coffee is god was a typo? Dang, I was going to agree.

smallsteps2recovery said...

Coffee is GOD! And a great post and reminder... I often create my own misery expecting the something in return...

Heather's Mom said...

THANK YOU for this post.
I KNOW. Thank you for the truth.
God bless.

parentofanaddictcdcb said...

Thanks for the post. It really hit home. I feel like I am constantly taking one step forward, then two steps back in trying to let go.
Carolyn

Her Big Sad said...

So very true.... all of it! And I also love what Syd said.

I will NEVER stop loving my daughter... I will NEVER give up Hope. But I no longer try to Control. Neither will I let her attempt to control me.

Wishing you a great weekend!

Addiction--Mom trying to Detach with Love said...

So much good stuff here. What great information and support we gain through this wonderful blog community. Thank you so much for all that you contribute to it and our growth.