This morning is beautiful. The sun is shining the temperature is 70 and I rode to work without a jacket and there was hardly any traffic. The coffee is god, I'm sorry, that was a typo it should be, good.
I logged on and checked the blogs I follow. Three of them struck a nerve this morning and rather than just comment to them I decided to write about them here, and share the links.
Renee at Mom Trying To Detach With Love spoke about the guilt you feel when you have to tell your child no.
We all face this with our addicts. It is impossible to take our addicts at face value. As much as we want to trust and feel that security and appreciation of helping someone that asks for help we cannot fall into that trap. Exhausting is the only word I can think of that describes the effort it takes to stand firm against the constant barrage of issues facing the parent of an addict. I sometimes long for the day that I will be able to take at face value what may son says to me. Maybe that day may never come. Guilt of saying no is something we lay upon ourselves. I'm getting a lot better at shedding that guilt now that I know where it comes from.
Jan wrote of entitlements, There Is No Hero In Heroin this is a great posting about the mentality of my son and maybe many others. Poor pitiful me is how it all starts. No accountability for their own actions, just a plea of, "will you please..........?"
We want so bad just to give them that one little thing. With that hope of giving one more little item of comfort will show them the light. It doesn't work that way and I am so glad this mother sees that. It took me a long time to see that I could not bargain away my son's addiction.
Today gifts are given with no expectation of appreciation or change. My lesson has been learned that if you give your addict a gift it has to be because you are a giving person, there can be no expectation attached because that only sets you up for heartache.
CC at Mother Of A Beautiful Addict Boy has only written two posts. She a mother just now entering this horror as the parent of an addict.
It seems like only yesterday her feelings were gnawing in our gut. This is a horror I do not think any of us parents can forget. It is so ingrained in me I only hope that when I die my last thought is not of this horror. It does get better but it is always just below the surface.
There is a horror in discovering your son is an addict. But there is a time it will be better for you, even if your son continues to use. The horror of that discovery never goes away but the pain becomes manageable and then finally you find that you can go on living even with this horror of having an addicted child. There will be times you sink into that horrible place by something or someone that reminds you of that time. But that feeling will go away too. You learn eventually that the feeling of horror is yours to control.
Thank you to those mothers that wrote their inspiring posts today.