Guest Post: Chelsie

A Change of Fate

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a couple tears running down my cheeks as if trying to escape my mind. Running away from the awful feelings my dream had caused. The possibility of a change of faith and its consequences had me feeling uneasy. A lesson my mind sees fit to teach me even if hurts me. Tough Love, they call it. I was left with the certainty that what happens to us during our life happens to us and not someone else for a reason. I shouldn't dwell on what could of been if my life were different. I believe the universe has a way of balancing itself so if not me then to whom would my hardships and burdens be given too. And if they weren't meant to have those particular challenges in their life time then chances are this person wouldn't of been born with the specific abilities or skill to overcome them. Well I can definitely say that this dream certainly had me reflecting on a lot of life's deeper meanings. 

The dream is a bit blurry now but I remember the main part of the dream that had me touched me. So I was back in my late teens and this time I didn't know the life of addiction. I was a well rounded person with goals and lots of love for my family. I kind of took on the life my brother had (my oldest brother who is 3 years younger than me) and my brother had mine. Well definitely the part of my life that included addiction and a lot of sadness. In other words its like our lives had been switched. In this dream I was at my moms just like when we were teenagers and my brother looking like he was 13 again was drinking and doing harder drugs. Not trying to hide it, I could tell he was under the influence. He had that jaded look in his eyes the one I remember having. He seemed to have this air of sadness surrounding him but it was like he was hiding it. I think I only knew because although in that life I didn't know addiction and that kind of sadness, somewhere in my mind I still remembered. Its like I felt his struggle, knowing it all to well. Something told me that my brother wasn't going to beat it (it really wasn't his to beat), he really wasn't going to get better. My heart broke so hard, I couldn't stand seeing him hurting and sad. And that's when I knew. I'd do it over again a million times over if it would keep him from having that life. In my dream, my mind was telling me that if I hadn't been an addict, if my brother hadn't seen what it did to me, how destructive it was, or if my dad hadn't had me to turn to, he might of turned to my brother (my dad thought me about drugs and eventually offered me some), my brother would of been an addict. It was like all of this hit me at once and all I could do was walk up to my brother and wrap my arms around him really tight. That's when I felt the tears running down my cheeks and opened my eyes.

Most of people are probably thinking it was just a dream, nothing to it, nothing to worry about. Except maybe my unconscious mind at work trying to make sense of  why it happened to me. I believe its much, much more than that. To start, if its my unconsciousness then its definitely wanting me to remember just how much my brother means to me. More than that though, if it really was my unconsciousness giving me an explanation to why it happened to me, than it had to of chosen my brother being spared because my love for my brother was probably the only explanation that would put my heart and mind at ease, as to why me. Also this dream made me realize that no matter how bad it was, I'd willingly do it again for my brother. I don't believe I've had a dream as meaningful as this one before. I can most definitely say that this dream contained a lot of important things I needed to learn. As sad as it was it developed into this kind of inner peace once its meaning was reflected upon.

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