Life is not easy. It’s not easy if you are an addict or even if you are not an addict. It’s all about evolution. The strong survive. It’s not just about physical strength it is more about mental strength. Do you have the will to survive; do you have the strength to make it one more day?
As a person that has never been an addict or alcoholic I can only speak from that perspective. My insight into your world is only through observation. I do not wish to walk in your shoes. But I can tell you what it is like to walk in mine if you are serious about sobriety.
Every day I have unfulfilled wants and they are not centered on anyone else. It may seem selfish but I believe that the center of one’s being can only revolve around self. I want things, I want different feelings, I want changes in others, I want, I want, I want. It really never ends. I believe that desire is no different for an addict or non-addict.
Daily there are people out there to tell you, no, a boss, friends, parents, spouses, girlfriends. That is just part of life, disappointment and hurt is as much a part of living as joy, happiness and love. Hurt is the same for an addict or non-addict. The difference I observe in our reactions to all of our emotions, good or bad is our coping methods. I don’t know what drugs do for an addict to help with coping of disappointment. I don’t know how drugs heighten the joy of happiness. But I do know that my life would be very monochromatic without the peaks and valleys.
I have no doubt from observing you that you hated every day that you were using. I can see how your life was out of control, spiraling into a pit of hurt and despair. You became so lost that the helping hands of others could not even be grasp.
I see your struggles being clean. More pain than joy. It’s a time in your life where the scales may not be balanced. You are working so hard to change but everyone is saying, no. So many frustrations, what is the use?
There is one place that no one will say no. There is one life that will accept you. It is the life you have known for the last several years. It is the easy path to take; it is the impossible path to follow.
The immediate pain will eventually fade. Just as when my father died, there was terrible pain for me. I wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but I knew I couldn’t. I wanted one last time, for old times’ sake, but I couldn’t. I flashed back to all the good times, but they were not to be any more. I believe that feeling may be something similar you must experience to live on. Your old life must die and there will be tremendous pain with that death. Each day you will want, just one more time. Time may heal all wounds but sometimes the scars are there forever.
In time the scales will balance and you will find more joy than pain. But for now you must travel the difficult path. Your reward is you will become stronger and that dangerous fork in the road becomes further and further behind you. It may be hard to see because of the difficulty of the path but know inside you are not walking this path alone, hands of help are outstretched at your every step.