I Have To Pinch Myself Sometimes

On Friday at 9am Alex closes on his house.

Sometimes I find my fingers striking keys on this keyboard that I never dreamed would be strung together in a sentence. Just shows me how limiting my dreams can be when they are applied to someone else. That's a good lesson for myself, allow each person to be all they can be and who knows, you may be surprised.

I always had high expectations for my kids. I kinda see the flaw in that thinking now. Nothing wrong with high expectations for them but allowing their success or falling short of those expectations cannot define me.

Monday poor little Tyler broke his toe and had to get a couple of stitches. I expected to go down there to visit him last night and find him limping and curled up on the couch being a hurt little baby. When we drove up he was sitting in a chair on the front porch with his daddy. He smiled and got down as if there was no bandage and big protective sock on his foot. He ran, not limped over to the toy box pulled out his bat and ball and immediately threw the ball to grandpa. He wanted play ball. Once again my preconceived expectations were less than what was real and possible.

Before we left Alex was sitting alone on the couch and I said to him, "Son, I am proud of you. What you have done in just a couple years well......I would never have dreamed. I am proud."

His response, "Thank you, I couldn't have done it without you guys."

Heart in throat moment.

Urban Outfitters

On May 1st I posted about Urban Outfitters selling prescription drug themed merchandise and asking them to discontinue this line of products. I ask you all for help.

Here is a press release issued by Urban Outfitters about discontinuing this line of merchandise!!!

Thank you ALL for your help and letters.

Interesting Video Of Facts About Pregnancy and Drugs

Here is an interesting video of facts concerning drug abuse and pregnancy. I am not endorsing the rehab center attached but I thought the statistics were interesting.

http://12palmsrecoverycenter.com/blog/the-effect-of-drugs-on-pregnancy-video-infographic/

Partnership Posting

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has posted another one of my essays on their website. Feel free to check it out.

From Discovery To Recovery: My Emotional Journey As The Parent Of An Addict

Milestones

Effective today, June 10, 2013 Alex is no longer under ANY government control. He has met and satisfied all probation (early) and he is no longer under probation for ANYONE. He has paid off all of his fines.

For every parent or addict out there reading this, there is life after. BELIEVE! Believe in yourself and make it happen. There is no one too far gone that they can't accept recovery. Parents or addict, it can happen for you. Day by day hope and love is all around.

It's Me Again

It's been almost a month since I last wrote. I think this has been the longest I have ever gone without posting, please forgive me. I have been reading and commenting to other blogs and answering e-mails.

Not much going on except work and life. Tired of the rain and cool weather. I'm a summer guy give me 85 and 90 degrees any day and I am happy.

Work is busy, working overtime, orders coming in like crazy. I am hiring people, hourly and management. That is an experience of highs and lows. Interviewing and hiring is a part of my job that I actually like and find rewarding. Finding the right person is always a challenge. Most people only have the experience of sitting on the other side of the desk and being interviewed. I know how stressful it is from both sides. Good interviewers and HR people know that it is as hard to interview as it is being interviewed. The highs are when you find that person and you make that call offering a position. From experience you can hear a different tone and reaction when you utter that line, "The reason I am calling is to offer you a position with......." The down side is writing those reject letters and putting them in the mail. I know the same day I really make someone happy I am disappointing many others.

The good news on the home front is that Alex is buying a house. I still have to pinch myself to make sure I am awake. I NEVER dreamed in all those years my son would ever reach this point. That's a lesson to be learned, never wish, dream or hope because sometimes you cannot imagine the possibility of reality.

They have made an offer on a house and it has been accepted. I'm not going to post pictures yet, I don't want to jinx it. But you can trust me it is dad approved. They had me looking at all of them they looked at to critique the condition and construction. They got angry at me with the first three because I pointed out several reasons they were not good homes from condition to construction issues. They thought I was just picking on their choices and got angry with me. But when they learned what to look for then they began to understand my critiques.

All of the grand kids are growing like weeds. Brooke is horse crazy at 4 years old. I don't understand it, none of us are horse people. I bought her a certificate for a trail ride and her mother went with her and she got to ride a real horse on a trail. I am afraid I did a very bad thing. Is there a 12 step program for horse addiction? I think I am an enabler.

Tyler is a ball of non-stop energy. That boy doesn't stop. He is very inquisitive, in a good way. Owen is a man boy. At only 10 months he has a very distinct preference to hang with the guys.

In August I will be going to New York for some special training provided by The Partnership at Drugfree.org. I have been ask to be a part of a new initiative and get this training. I am excited and actually honored to think they believe I could contribute and help other parents so much. The training is centered around the C.R.A.F.T. methodology that is proving to be so effective with young adult addiction. It comes from the book I have recommended to so many, "Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives To Nagging Pleading and Threatening" by Robert Myers and Brenda Wolfe. I read this book a long time ago and so many things just made sense to me, it clicked.

Just an update from KC. I do wish everyone's loved one could find what Alex found. You can't know how much I think about everyone and wish for that everyday.

Questions?

In the past I have solicited questions from readers they want answered. I think it is time to do that again. In a comment a mother asked a couple questions and I am going to answer to begin this process. If you have a question please put in the comments or you can simply e-mail it to me. I will answer all questions in future posts. You can be anonymous or provide your name. I ail not use last names.

From Holly: 

For those of us who read your blog, can you write about what specifically your son did to help himself get sober? What helped him then and does he do anything special now in order to continue being sober?  

Dear Holly,

This is a somewhat long story and I want you to remember that what worked for Alex and us is not a road map for others. Each person finds recovery in their way and what we do must be for us.

In the Spring of 2010 it began getting obviously worse for Alex and our family. We didn't really now what was happening but we sensed a bad turn. At that time Alex was not living with us, he was with his girlfriend but he was also on the street at times.

We sensed things were going bad, didn't know what but we knew it wasn't good. Through the grapevine we learned Alex was speedballing. We knew that speed balling was a bad thing and the more we read the worse we felt. We come to realize that soon our son was likely to die. We also knew that our son was likely to die no matter what we did or didn't do.

Realizing our son was likely to die and from our mind it may be imminent due to this behavior caused us to face reality in a harsh way. We discussed what this meant for us. After many evenings of talk and tears we decided it was time for us to begin making plans for our son's funeral. We drove through the cemetery and picked out a plot in which to bury our son. We decided on a funeral home and discussed pall bearers and I began putting together thoughts about what I wanted to say at his funeral if I was able. In our mind we were burying our son. We just didn't have a body. Strange as it may seem this exercise did give us some peace to know that some unknowns were now known between Mom and I.

As I said Alex was living with his girlfriend. For some reason she threw him out. I have a guess what happened but I don't know. He naturally thought he could come back home. That was not happening. Mom and I had already discussed that we could not live in our house if we found him dead in our home. We decided up front what we needed to say. "I am sorry son but you cannot live here any more." When he arrived we had already packed what he had left here, a few clothes, in a garbage bag. We told him he could n't live here.

In fact, we not only told him he couldn't live here we also told him that we could no longer take another step down this path with him. We told him that we were finally OK with him using if that was the life he choose to live. But if he choose that path we could no longer be there for him. We told him that we had a granddaughter that needed us and we could not be what we felt were good grandparents with this in our life. Told him that if he chooses to follow this current path please do not even acknowledge us on the street if he sees us. We knew that just a simple, "Hi" would rag us back onto that horrible path. We wished him well in his decision and said goodbye.

We heard nothing from him or about him for two weeks. Our thoughts were that he had made his decision and in reality we were grieving the loss of our son, we just had no body.

At the end of two weeks his girlfriend called Darlene and ask if Alex could come to visit us. She said he was clear and sober. He showed up at her home on the third day after we sent him away. Don't know what was said but she allowed him in and he went cold turkey in her basement.

She told us at times she thought he was going to die he was so sick and convulsing so bad. It is true, a person can die from going cold turkey this way.

She told us that he had a profound experience that he had just lost the only people in this world that believed in him. In fact he said once that us continually telling him that we believed in him was what kept him going.

Alex was clear and sober.

I don't know exactly what keeps him clear and sober. His recovery belongs to him. Our recovery belongs to us. He has a job and a baby. He says that is a huge part of his recovery. For him that works, for others that means nothing. You see, it is personal.

I learned a lot in my recovery. I wrote about it as lessons learned parenting a addict in recovery.

I re-read your questions and I could have just answered, went cold turkey and I don't know. But I know you wanted more and you deserve more. Holly, I hope I answered your questions.

Experiences With Schools

Just a little catch up about my recent experience with schools, one a high school and one a university.

Last Friday I spoke to seven classes of students at a local high school. I was scheduled for 5  but another teacher had heard about what I was doing and ask me if I would speak to his classes at the end of the day. The first 5 periods went very well. Vicki was there and she really made a impact. She brought pictures of her son and told the students that I was lucky, I could see and hold my son, he got a chance to find recovery. She only had pictures and letters to remember her son.She read a very touching letter her son wrote her less than 6 months before he died. Vicki was wonderful to share all of this with the class. This was the first time she had spoken publicly about her son's death to a group.

You never know what will happen when speaking to students. All day I saw students dabbing at tears in their eyes. Who knows what is going on in their life to react like this. I let them know publicly no one has to go through loving an addict alone.

I changed my presentation from what is posted on YouTube. I made it even more personal and no slides. Just me telling a story about what poor choices and addiction leads too in life.

A couple of story's about what happened that day. A student after I was all done and the room was empty, just me picking up my papers, she came in stood and front of me and she said, "Today is day 14." No explanation is needed. Maybe it isn't politically correct in schools but I hugged her. Ask her how she was doing and she said she is going to Ala-Teen meetings. At the end of one class presentation a student hung around and come up to me, his lip was quivering, He stuck out his hand to shake my hand. I shook his hand, he held on long and then bolted from the room not saying a word. A student came to me after all of this had happened and during the presentation I ask everyone to go home and talk to their parents about drugs. A girl comes back to me and says she had called her mom on the phone to tell her about my talk. Her mom told her to find me and thank me for what I had done and that she had heard of me and seen my blog. So she was coming in to tell me what her mom said. I usually turn off my phone during these days and when I turned it back on I had a message, a student had left me a message. He wanted to make a donation to my son and I. I then spoke to him on the phone and ask him to make that donation to The Partnership or another organization that helps addicts struggling today to find recovery.

THANK YOU VICKI, for what you did that day. You are brave, you are strong and you made a difference that morning in the lives of students. You did well by Travis, I know he would have been proud.

New story. Last Fall a student at Bournemouth University located in the United Kingdom ask if she could interview me for her university project. We exchanged e-mails and she interviewed me on Skype. Stacey Amer is a journalism student at BU. Her paper on the effects of addiction on a family was re-written and published on the university's website under lifestyle and health. You can find her article here: The Young Still Use; A Parents Perspective

It's hard to know for sure if I have a long term effect on those I speak too about this subject. But I choose to believe that it is helping them so I am going to keep at it until I run out of places that will have me.

Off the school subject here is a video of the First Call Gratitude Luncheon. I attended this luncheon a few weeks ago.  William Moyers Jr. was the keynote speaker. At the 1:20 mark you can see a picture of Vicki and I together. I'm the ugly guy in the middle and she is the beautiful lady in red.

My Harley Committed Suicide

It has been so busy around our house it is hard to see daylight let alone update this blog. The busy has been of our own creation and work is nuts both for Darlene and I but now it is time to step back for a pause.

As many of you regular readers may recall last Fall I had an incident on my motorcycle. The autopsy is far enough along that I can now fill in the details.

There is still discussion from the mechanics about what happened. They don't know if it was the chain tensioner in the primary or the compensator came apart. Either way the chain came off and destroyed the guts of the primary, even busted the primary case. Trashed the camshaft in the engine and damaged the main shaft of the transmission. New engine, primary and transmission at least. When they got to $7000 and was still counting that was too much. My summary is that this motorcycle committed suicide. Everyone I spoke with at the dealership kept saying this was a catastrophic failure and no one could believe I kept it on two wheels, lucky I guess. They said it was because I was a hell of a rider, but I know better. Pictures were taken by all the shop people because they had never seen one destroy itself to this level.

I first want to say that Bob and Randy in the Service Department and Josh and Brett in Sales at Worth Harley Davidson really stepped up to the plate. It doesn't matter what name is on the building, with people like this on the inside, you cannot do better. They stepped up and did the right thing. These guys went above and beyond what they had to do. I don't usually plug people on this blog but if you need a Harley, go see these guys and tell them I sent you. If your from out of town it's worth the trip.

The same cannot be said for the Harley Davidson Motor Company. They really dropped the ball. This bike was only 4 months out of extended warranty. In summary, their response was too bad, so sad, it sucks to be you.

Today, the guys at Worth delivered me a new bike a 2013 Ultra Limited. Mom and I are once again riders.

Motorcycle riding is important to us. This was like a good meeting for us. We were able to escape the crisis and turmoil of Alex's addiction. When we were on the bike we were a real couple again with nothing on our mind but the road. Everyone going through the addiction of a child needs a place to escape, this was ours, a lifeboat.

2013 Ultra Classic Limited

Harley Davidson

From the Column: You Ain't Going to Believe this Sh....

Urban Outfitters has introduced a new line of products, see pic.

Drinking glasses, shot glasses can koozies and stuff to resemble prescription drug bottles and syringes. Where is the soul of this company, and of course their principle demographic and customer base is our children.

You can write the CEO of this company to share your thoughts if you are as moved as I was when I saw these:

Richard A. Hayne; CEO & Chairman 
richard.hayne@urbanout.com

You can say whatever you wish but here is a copy of my e-mail:

Dear Mr. Hayne,

 

Don't want to begin this e-mail rudely but I can think of no other way of stating how I feel.

 

Are you F...KING crazy. I see these new product listings with the can coolers, shot glasses and etc shaped and labeled like pill bottles.

 

What kind of genius came up with this idea? Do you realize that prescription drug abuse is killing more of our young people, YOUR CUSTOMERS, than cocaine and heroin combined?

 

Are you so devoid of a corporate soul that you can see no wrong with these products? These are products that should be pulled immediately and destroyed.

 

Sometimes we all make mistakes, this one is yours. DO THE RIGHT THING!

 

Sincerely,

Ron Grover

parent of an addict (currently in recovery)

www.parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com

"An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom"

 

ps.: want to see what prescription drug addiction does to a family? search back in the archive prior to July 2010.

Speaking At SMW High School

This Friday, May 3 I will again be speaking at Shawnee Mission West High School. Anyone interested contact me.

Another mother dealing with addiction through her blog: A Mother's Heart: Dealing With Addiction

500 Posts

I just saw the stats on my blog and it said my last post I Need Help was my 500th post. "What a long strange trip it's been!" That's a quote from a rock band, do you know who? (answer at bottom of post)

I looked back at the first post I made on this blog. Funny how the 1st post and the 500th one are tied so closely together. On January 20, 2009 the title of the post was simply "Welcome". In that post I want to quote a sentence from so long ago. "My wish and goal for this blog is that maybe I can help you or you can help us." How ironic the title the title of my 500th post was "I Need Help".

There has been a lot of ground covered since my first post. Life did not wait while all of the crisis and turmoil invaded out lives. Friends and family died, grandchildren were born, children got married, something happened that caused us to smile every day, tears were shed.

However one thing I am eternally grateful for is the reason I began this blog. Today my son is in recovery. The blog maintained MY sanity, barely. He is the one that did the work to be what he is today. I have said before I have no words that can describe that feeling inside on me.

Most important in this endeavor, you read this blog and whether you commented or not you helped me. That was my selfish reason for writing. I salute you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I don't know if there is a life cycle to something like this blog. I'm not ready to give up but I realize I write far less often that I use too. I do answer e-mails. I began this blog anonymously, today I share most everything including my phone number to those that need to talk. Coming out for us was a big step but not one we have regretted.

Asking for help in my 1st post and asking for help on my 500th post. Maybe Alex is the one that grew and I'm the one stuck.  ;-)

"What a long strange trip it's been!" The Grateful Dead. From the song "Truckin"

I Need Help

It ain't over till it's over.

I got a comment from a mother last night and I commented back to her. But I need help. Please share your advice and stories of hope here on this post in a comment for her. I am going to reprint her comment. Share your words and love with this mother.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE AN ADDICT IN RECOVERY, please take her hand.

 Anonymous said...

I am a mother of three young sons and I am an addict.. I started off by taking a pill here and there to "perk" me up at work in the afternoons and didn't think anything of it until I started taking them in the mornings as well , it wasn't long before I needed them to get up in the morning and function! Now here I am 5 yrs into this hell . I wish to god I had never touched one!! My life is ruined.. I have tried to quit soooo many times only to go back because the withdrawal is pure hell!! I wouldn't wish this on anyone.... I wish I could go back to feeling normal emotions without anything in my system , all I want is to be naturally happy like I used to be . I was such a happy person just naturally happy but I have ruined my brain now so I am literally incapable of feeling "normal" . I don't want to be high just comfortable in my skin but its imposible for me . I blame myself not my parents no one is to blame but me...I have ruined my life...It's over I will never ever be normal again .....

I don't know if it is the same person but here is another comment to a different post from last night too.

Dear Dad and Mom ,
I am an addict... I have been reading your blog and I thank you for not "throwing" your son away and instead trying to understand his illness. I am ashamed , embarrased that I did this to myself. I'm sorry I have ruined my life .I hate living with this shameful secret of mine I am exhausted just pretending I'm happy . Once you mess with that part of your brain you can't fix it you see...I have so many regrets....I wish I could turn back time and said no ....but It's too late unfortunately just way too late...

Something Different For Me

I have been ask to be a guest on a HuffPost live show event tomorrow 4/17 about addiction. The host is Alicia Menendez. http://live.huffingtonpost.com I have to get my computer set up in the morning and they are doing a pre-interview. Tryout I guess. The show is 2:30-3:00 EST.

A Few Early Sunday Morning Random Thoughts

At times I find myself talking and thinking about addiction as an actual thing not as a condition or disease. I think of it in a first person sense. It's almost as if I allow it to become the person. I allow myself to give over a person to a condition and that makes the person less of a person and elevates a disease to more.

I am guilty of allowing addiction to define my son. I am the worst offender. There was a time I interchanged "my son" and "my addict". That was not meant as being disrespectful it was just a statement of fact or condition at the time.

When was the last time we heard a parent refer to their child with cancer or diabetes as their cancer kid or their diabetic?

Changing subject, suboxone or methadone is controversial even in the recovery community. How many of you have heard someone say, "If they are using suboxone then they aren't really clean"? Many times we think of suboxone or other treatments even 12 step programs as something addicts should or could be weaned from after a period of time. Yep, guilty here of these thoughts too. But yet, I would never ask a parent or think that a child with diabetes should be weaned off of insulin. I would never think of an adult diabetic as weak because they still treat their disease with another chemical. When someone has heart disease do we chastise them when they eat healthy and exercise? "Oh it's OK, you haven't had an "episode" for years, why don't you just give up that healthy lifestyle? This health kick is like a religion to you." It's not our place to judge. What works for one my not be the best for all. What works is what works.

Final thoughts, we had a mini-Alex spend the night with us last night. Friday night we had Brooke and Owen, last night we had Tyler. A weekend of grandkids. Great visits but I know why women's baby makers shut down at a certain age. Raising babies when you are in your mid-fifties seems a lot harder then when you are in your 20's and early 30's. But, I wouldn't trade the smiles and non-stop activity for anything in the world. Tyler is a mini-Alex. His mannerisms are just like Alex when he was that age. He is very inquisitive and a boy that loves being loved. Like wanting to sit right next to you when watching a movie or grabbing your finger and taking you to the door when he wants to play outside on the swing set.

Here is mom getting camera happy while Ty and I were chilling and watching the movie Brave last night. Alex would sit just like this while he watched Bambi, his favorite movie at that age.

Today is Alex's Birthday

Today Alex turns 25 years old.

I know none of you are watching me write this but I'll share a little writers inside secret. After I wrote that first sentence it was hard to even touch the keyboard. Just a long moment of nothing but appreciation. A silent recognition of the significance this day means.

Birthdays come and go, it is a good thing. When we cease to age, that is a bad thing.

I still think back to a story I told a couple years ago about being in rehab with Alex six years ago. Happy Birthday to my Son  How can something seems to be so long ago and yet also seem just like yesterday? Guess it has something to do with how much of an impact an action has on one's life.

For today everything in the past is "so long ago". Today is for appreciation and reflection of the good and grace I have been given on this day.

Happy Birthday, Son

What Do I Wish I Had Done

More than a couple weeks ago I got an e-mail from a mother telling me about her son. Similar situations that we have all experienced. She had done this and done that trying to help. Now she was scared she was going to lose her son.

She ask me a simple question about what should she do now. She ask what do I wish I had done differently?

That is a tricky question. Or, some may even say it is a trick question. Looking for the silver bullet has been every parents quest that I have spoken too. It was my quest for several years.

That troubling question has caused me much thought since she wrote. I answer every e-mail I receive in some way or another. Many times I feel I just have no answer that is adequate but sometimes the answer that best fits is simply, "I understand, you are not alone."

"What do I wish I had done differently?" First thing I thought of was all of those little things and big things that I feel would have made a difference. Might even have prevented this nightmare. That was my first thought and I threw in some answers I hoped would help. But, my answers troubled me. After a few weeks of deliberation I am satisfied with a different answer.

I would have learned to listen. This is not an easy thing for a parent to do.

I've spent years chronicling our family experiences on this blog. Written about what I have learned and how we screwed up. There is nothing original, I just had to experience for myself and draw my own conclusions.

I would have learned to listen to my son. What does an addicted person really have to say worth listening too? All along through his words and actions he told me there was nothing I could do to fix him. Although, as a parent I knew it was my job to fix my son. That's what parents do, we fix things. Years of trying to fix him even through he was telling me not too try.

I would have learned to listen to counselors and parents. Listening is very different than searching for answers. Getting answers to questions or "what to do" solutions assume that there is a single answer or methodology that will awaken not just you but also your addicted loved one from this nightmare.

I would have learned to listen to my own internal struggles about what I am told. What have I heard, what do I feel, why am I scared? Emotional reactions was a result of unresolved internal struggles.

I would have learned to listen to my heart and my head. Most of the time one or the other would win out. Listening to my heart is what tells me where there is life there is hope. My heart allows me to love someone that by all accounts seems to be unloveable. In my head I know all of the realities of addiction. Heart and head is not a win/lose struggle. Hearts and head can actually work together. It is possible for your heart to accept that my son may die. It is also possible for the head to grasp that there may not be an answer for addiction and loving for just today is all you get.

Listening is hard. No one loves your child like you do. Since they were babies you fed them, changed them, raised them and provided for their every need. Listening to someone or anything is hard when loving and caring for them has always been instinct.

What do I wish I had done differently? I wish I had learned how to listen sooner in my life.

1000's of Words

Over the course of this blog there has been thousands of words put to screen by me, not including thousands more by commenter's. I have reached that point I am stuck. Maybe it's called writers block or something like that but it's not really like that. I know what I want to say but I cannot come up with the right string of words to convey my message. This probably won't be neat and clean and many re-writes may be required but here goes.

When Alex stopped using there was a level of fear and suspicion that I am sure all of you understand. Yea sure, a familiar phrase, I've heard this before. Days turned into weeks, weeks morphed into months and months grew to years. The memories of horror and fear will never leave me but a comfort and peace has taken over in my mind. A new mantra has entered my life, "All things are possible."

The hard part is telling someone how I feel when I see Alex in comparison to what seems to be so long ago now. A simple one line post I wrote July 12, 2010 is a benchmark from where I start, "It is not good. With what is going on it probably won't be long." At that point I was so heartbroken and despondent that I couldn't even come up with a title, the title of the post was simply, "Untitled".

Today my son is a man, a father and a person I am proud to know and call my son. Sometimes I catch myself simply staring at him, it is as if I cannot believe I have been given more time with him. He did this and allowed us to all see what he can be instead of what we feared. I wish I knew better how to say what I really feel.

I'm not a good writer, I just throw words out about how I feel and what I think. I am at that point I don't know how to string the words together that adequately describe how I feel today about my son. So I just have to leave to you all to guess and try to imagine. I know some of you are experiencing this too with your sons and daughters, clear and sober where you never truly believed it could be possible. Maybe you can send me the words or help me because I am stuck.

To those parents that are still struggling I say never give up hope but place your hope where it belongs, not on them but on yourself. Where there is life there is hope. All things are possible. My hope lies with you, your poor sick children and your loved ones.

Partnership Post

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has published another one of my essays. Regular readers will recognize this one about Does Relapse Mean Failure that was on the blog not long ago. However, there is a very good reason you should check it out again.

As a followup to my essay the Staff at The Partnership wrote a very good piece on The Five Things You Need To Know About Relapse.

Please, take a minute to review these essays.

All Over The World

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a parent just as I do most days. I am so glad today that I posted my e-mail on our blog long ago. I never tire of getting e-mails from parents and I answer each one in some way. That has resulted in some writing many times and we share our trials on line and even some people I have met here locally. The single common denominator is our love for our children and desperation to do something about addiction and alcoholism.

These letters come from all over the world. I have written people in South Africa, New Zealand, Europe, Pakistan, South America Australia and many, many other places.

Yesterday I received an e-mail came from a mum in Australia. She told the story of her son and their life. She gave me permission to reprint her letter and it is below. I print this because we all need to understand that in this battle none of us are alone. No matter if we are sitting next to someone at a meeting, sharing hugs with a relative, answering an anonymous e-mail or sharing with someone on the other side of the world, we are not alone in this mess.

This is an epidemic the world over.

Good Luck Julie, all my best wishes for your family and your son. Where there is life there is hope. We have shared a few e-mails, feel free to write any time.

Dear Ron

  I have come across your blog on the net and have been reading your past blogs.  
Our son, Andrew is 24years and other than me being "mum" not mom things are 
pretty much the same over here for our family in Australia. There is so little 
help over here and in our National news this week they are telling us young 
Australians are up in the biggest Drug users in the world statistics. It is so 
wonderful to read your feelings that almost mirror mine and to know I am not 
alone!  We have been struggling with Andrew's drug addiction for 7 years and I 
think if only I had written it all down...this roller coaster ride that we 
co-inhabit with our son.  he is living in our family home, on a methadone 
program and I think just maybe he has reached the stage of not enjoying the drug 
life and it does not give him any happiness anymore. He struggles with recovery 
and relapses are common.  We are a middle class family with two sons, Andrew is 
our youngest. He started with pot at 15 years and was an A grade student up 
until this time. He has also been a poly drug user and has even taken to 
misusing his methadone dose and injecting it.  There are very few rehabs in 
Queensland where we live, and almost all of them are 12 steps based. Total 
abstinence is impossible with him using the methadone and god knows if he will 
ever be able to stop. Trying to find a detox unit to coordinate with rehab is 
almost impossible. Andrew has been admitted to every private hospital in 
Brisbane and in every case has had himself excluded for misusing drugs whilst a 
patient.  He went to a rehab down the Coast and was clean for 9 months!! He 
entered their halfway house program and started using again Then he came back 
home to us and we live this never ending nightmare. Fortunately he has not been 
to jail, I think our system is somewhat different to yours.  Each court case he 
has managed to evade prison somehow and does not have a record which could be 
good if he does decide to get clean one day as he will be able to gain 
employment. However i sometimes feel it may have been better for Andrews 
recovery as so much help is given to them in jail. It is so true the 
codependency addicts families develop. My husband is the classic enabler and how 
our 32 year marriage is still intact is a wonder! All of the feelings you 
describe the hatred, the frustration, the sadness, the disappointment, the utter 
helplessness is everything that we feel.  We cannot see a way out at all and 
wonder will it ever end? Or will he end up dead our greatest fear of all!
 
 Anyway Ron I just wanted to say thank you to you and your wife for your blog 
as it has given me hope and I don't feel quite as alone now.. Thankyou both so 
much.

Julie