Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fathers Day

Fathers day with your son incarcerated. What's it like? Sad, but not for what you might imagine.

I've always been a guy that fathers day, mothers day, valentines day and all those "days" are pretty much Hallmark Holidays. That's what I call them. Commercialized to bolster the coffers of card makers, restaurants, florists and jewelry stops.

What do sons know about being a father? I had no idea until I had been a father for a long time. Quite frankly I am not sure I understood until after my father had passed away. Then all of a sudden I am it. No one to provide that example, no answers at the end of a phone line. You are it. Then something strange begins to happen. As you learn you begin to grow. You begin to understand the wisdom that was demonstrated by the most ordinary things. Learning when to say nothing, learning when to be demanding and when to be patient, learning when to be a father and when to be a friend.

My father passed away when I was 27, I am now 53, almost half my life. The oddest thing I have ever seen a dead man do, the longer he lies there in his grave the smarter he becomes. All of those dad things and dad lessons begin to make sense. 

What does this have to do with a fathers day with your son incarcerated. Deep down I believe in my son. I believe that one day the lessons I have tried to instill will make sense. I believe he has a life in front of him that one day he will be free of drugs. Until then he must learn his lessons the hard way. Until then my task is to be patient and try to do the things I don't understand but are necessary to help him with his discovery and recovery.

Sad to have a fathers day with him incarcerated? Yes, but I also have two great daughters. 


Sarah said...

I think you are an inspirational father.

Happy Father's Day.

Gin said...

Wonderful blog. You are right. The older we get, the wiser our parents are, whether they are still with us or not. I know your son will one day appreciate all that you are doing for him and have done. It may take a while, but one I promise you, he will.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I have the same hopes for your son and mine. You're following well in your father's footsteps, he seems to have done a good job. :)

Lou said...

Funny, the days I'm most sad are not the "official" holidays. The hurt strikes me at the oddest moments really, such as when I pass the old ice cream place we took our son to after the little league games. I constantly have to remind myself that was then, and now is now.

clean and crazy said...

you know i miss my daddy, i like the part where you say he gets smarter is true though it is like mom and dad are gone and here i am, i still feel like there is nothing to celebrate on mothers day, but on fathers day i feel like my children are blessed to have such a strong wonderful father in their lives, he is a lot like you very rational and he thinks things out.
i think you are a wonderful father, happy belated fathers day.

Anonymous said...

How strange... I was thinking of you on Father's Day (and I think you read it). How true your words are. I am touched to read that you believe in your son. Our boys aren't evil. I believe that our boys don't choose to be addicts. Opiates have a grip on their brain, and I keep praying that a lot of healing is going on-- so that they won't need opiates to feel that they can cope with life. You and I are riding a similar roller coaster. For now, my son is working hard and I'm hearing good things about how his co-workers like him.

As for my father, I've shared my child abuse stories. Somehow, as the decades go by, I feel gratitude that I made peace with him. He has infuenced me in many ways.

I'm keeping up with your story, because I feel that we are struggling with similar stories.