Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Enough is Enough

When and where do you draw the line?

I went looking for some things tonight and sure enough they were gone. More of my stuff missing in the name of supplying his habit. I HAVE HAD IT! He's locked up and I'm still having to deal with his crap. Another late night and no sleep because of being angry.

I told mom I have no need to see him for a while. Maybe it isn't right but at this point he owes me some explanation and if he can't because he isn't there yet then maybe I 'm not there yet either. She is upset because I'm upset and our little addict bastard is passing his time at the center oblivious to what we have to deal with because of his stupidity and his inability to tell himself no.

Enough is enough


Gin said...

Addicts do not realize how deep the wounds truly cut for their loved ones. We are constantly left behind to pick up the pieces while dealing with emotions ranging from rage to intense sadness. It truly is a roller-coaster ride, one that we all would like to get off of. The addiction makes them so selfish - something that us non-addicts can not understand. I am so sorry that you and Mom are having to go through this. It's like what I have told many people in the past - I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

~C~ said...

I think your anger is healthly. Its necessary to vent and release. Its understandable and justified. But when you have processed the anger, dont hang on to it for long. It will hurt you to do so....I understand how you feel. Totally.

mother of drug addict said...

I agree with both of the comments before me and I know how hard it is to get over the anger, because THEY put themselves in this position and you raised them NOT to be this way. I totally understand and I am sure mom does too but she is a mom and its sooo hard not to forgive and make excuses for your child. Please try to understand her also. I wish both of you all the luck in the world and please know that you are always in my prayers.

Fractalmom said...

oh hell. I'm still angry and it's been 11 years and I am still dealing with the fallout from her stupidity and addiction on an hourly basis. Comparing myself to the other mom's out there, I seem to be more mentally on the sphere of 'dad emotions' than mom emotions.

i have gotten to the point where i just don't give a shit what she does, or where she is, or whether or not she is straight, hungry, clean, housed or on the streets.

maybe (and this is just MY thought) my anger won't go away because I am raising her kids and see daily what she screwed up and is missing? I don't know. The other mom's tend to slam me pretty hard for my feelings and keep telling me that my feelings are holding me back.

maybe they are right, but honestly, i don't give two shits anymore if they are, or if they aren't. I have devoted my last 9 years to making sure the kidlets are okay and suffering no long term consequences from having two parents who are heroin addicts, (and believe me, there was LOTS to work on.)

my sympathies are with you Dad. I still go out to my garage to get a tool, only to find it is no longer there and then I have to run to home depot and fork out another F***ing hundred bucks to replace it. Every time I go to one of the kids school events, I have to remember I don't have a video camera or digital camera becuz mom stole them. The best I get is the camera on my cell phone, which she probably couldn't steal because it is always on my person.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. In our marriage, my husband is the more empathetic and understanding one. Me? I'm hard. She made me that way.


clean and crazy said...

i know you are angry and probably do not want to hear from an addict at this point.
i just hope you and mom are doing ok and if you need to say something to him then do it, it is ok to yell and get mad, we addicts do not need nor deserve to be coddled we need honesty and reality.

Dad and Mom said...

I welcome comments and advice from anyone. People that read my blog get the straight scoop on what's going on and how I feel.

Thank You

ChaiLatte said...

I understand. You have a right to be angry when someone has stolen from you. Just don't stay in that place of anger, as it will only harm you- and mom too.

The explanation that you're seeking from son--do you think it's something other than him stealing/selling your stuff for drugs? Or, do you know that and you just want to see and hear remorse from him?


Lou said...

You will be finding (I mean NOT finding) your things for years to come. Listen to clean & crazy. Ask him about it. He will lie, but at least he knows you know.

Addictions flourishes in silence.

Dad and Mom said...

I have ask, he confesses but he always follows with "I couldn't help it". When I ask for a list of the stuff he has stolen he never produces it.

I have told him, confessing after you are caught garners very little respect from me, respect comes from admission before you have been caught.

All he has to say is, "Dad, we have to talk about something......"

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I am so sorry...i just called my son the same thing the other day, it seems to fit. I hope you can work through your anger and that this is one time closer to the last time.

Her Big Sad said...

I found I was missing more tools this week. She's been out of the house for five months (this time) and I still am running into the fact that there are still things missing that I've not discovered just yet.

I do understand the anger... and the devisive effect it can have between parents. I'm trying so hard to let go of the anger. It's not easy. It is exhausting being this ANGRY and this HEARTBROKEN at the same time.

I have no words of wisdom for you either. Just... I understand.

Annette said...

Ugh...I hear you. (((HUG))) to Mom and Dad.

Fractalmom said...

it IS exhausting. my only survival was forcing myself to STOP thinking of the addict as my daughter, and think of her as just someone I know.

It' doesn't hurt near as much. Yes, I lost something. Or it was also stolen from me by King Heroin.

I can be nice to her now. I can even tolerate her visiting the girls. I can help her out with the occasional ride to the grocery store or whatever.

But, I can't love her anymore. Just cannot do it. Love requires emotional investment, and I just don't have it to give to her anymore. I do have four other children, custody of two grandchildren, another granddaughter who is living with me temporarily while her parents get divorced and another 2 year old granddaughter.

I have to safeguard my resources (energy level, emotions, finances, etc.) for those who can benefit from them, and, who deserve them.

I do get occasional irritation now. Find something else that she stole. Irritation. Replacement.

I dont' know that I even call it anger anymore. Reluctant acceptance? I don't think there is a term for it. Really. Just more like "oh, another thing the junkie kid took'. Matter of fact.

It is what it is.

I guess that's the part of me that pisses off alot of the other readers on blogger. I got to the point where I just don't care anymore.

Not recommending it necessarily. My junkie is a girl, who had children. That puts a different spin on it than being the parents of a boychild junkie. Sorry, but it does. Boys can't give birth. Boys can be fathers, sure, but they do not automatically have custody of a baby like a girl does when she gives birth to a child.

So then, you have to watch that defenseless little baby, all 7 pounds or so, be taken care of by someone so impaired that they can't carry on a conversation without nodding off.

Then, you start thinking about them bathing the baby and wonder, "is she gonna nod off while she is giving the baby a bath, and my grandchild is going to drown?"

yeah, it's different.

And it awakens a BEAST inside you. Imagine that new granddaughter of yours having an active heroin addict for a mother?

You would do whatever you could, even if it was hurtful to your own daughter, to insure that baby's safety and love. Wouldn't you?

So, that's what I did. I quit loving my daughter to love her children for her, since she loved heroin more than her children.

Because they needed me. And she had chosen the road she walks down. they did not.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am glad I found you. I am going through this too. This is my third year with a daughter who is an addict.

My idea is to save some energy and resources for if and when she ever get's clean and can use them. In the meantime, I really do try to be greatful for what I still have. Two other kids that are on the right path. A husband who is good and kind. No other addicts in the family.

Brother Frankie said...

dad, i am sorry you are hurting. i am sorry you are angry. i am praying for you.

one day our bikes just may cross paths..

till then, know tha
you are loved.

Brother Frankie
A Biker for Christ

(i can email my cell # if you ever need to vent to someone who does not know ya from adam)