Friday, March 4, 2011

Fear of Acceptance

As a parent of a drug addict it seems at least for myself I live in a fear of acceptance.

Early it was the fear of accepting that my son was an addict. Fearful to accept it was a disease, because if it wasn't a disease all he had to do was quit. Fear of the stigma and the road ahead accepting a new role as a parent.

As I learned more I became fearful of the future and accepting what is really is. No matter how much I want to control it and manage this thing called addiction.

Accepting that my son could be gone at any time, accepting that no matter how hard I tried I had no control.

Now we are into another phase, he is not using, he is clean he is working on himself. Another fearful period of accepting his recovery is his recovery again, is he capable of this, again not mine to control. Fearful of accepting that my son has returned, different, not better not worse. Just accepting him as he is and what he has become and will grow to be.

Every time I become fearful I need to be thankful instead. That's going to take some work and an awareness of myself. I can only get better if I do this.


Gledwood said...

You know it's very hard to be strong yet flexible. Like rubber and not like iron.

I understand fully the wanting to control bit re the future. It must be horrible being a powerful person and feeling powerless over an addiction that is not even yours. Remember in the words of NA "we accepted WE were powerless over OUR addiction". As a first degree relative you're even more powerless.

THAT is why I say it must ave been such a nightmare to be in your shoes. I don't envy you for the world. But I do admire your strength.

Syd said...

It is hard to accept having no control over others and letting go of outcomes. I am glad that Alex is doing well. One day at a time.

Kristi said...

Well said Ron....and I couldn't agree with you more on all counts. The realization that we have no control reminds me of when my son was 15 and in his first rehab. The not being able to control this problem we were all facing drove me absolutely insane! I couldn't get it out of my head that I was his mother, he was my child and it was my job to fix things. From the time I had him I had taken care of him, I fixed things and yet here was something I was faced with, for the first time in his life, that I couldn't touch and it was such a struggle for me. Truth be told, it still is in some ways, but that was almost 6 years ago and I've come a long way since then. I keep fighting the good fight but often it's difficult....I continue on. Thanks, this was a really good post that relate to closely. Praying always for all our children, in active addiction and in recovery.

Tori said...

Another great post. I am so happy for Alex and of course you. I've come a long way from 12 months ago but honestly I still can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I can't help him. I am trying.