Monday, May 4, 2009

Fear and Suspicion

As our son works on his sobriety I wanted our life to become more normal. But I am finding what we have to work on is our damages also. I am an impatient person. Anyone that knows me will second that comment. I credit my impatience to most of my successes but to most of my shortcomings also.

We want our life back now. But it doesn't work that way. As he works on his sobriety we still have all of the doubts, suspicions and fear. These are emotions that we have been trained to exhibit through 6 years of his addiction.

My natural inclination is to be a trusting person. I have always credited that to being, I was too lazy to not be trusting. Justification was that everyone was deserving of trust, because to not trust meant systems and behaviors had to be developed to protect myself and things. I don't wish to expend the time and energy to be distrustful. However, living with an addict forces you to be distrustful even of someone that lives in your own home where safety and security should be a given. I am still finding tools and things that are missing from when he would take them and sell them because of his drugs. That is frustrating. I have ask for a listing of things from him that he did and took but he has never come forward. If I had an idea of what to expect I could drop it and get over it but as it is now each thing I find missing drags up anger and frustration. When does it all end? I know it must be hard on him to re-hash all of this stuff but it is hard on us too.

Fear of him using again is always on our mind. That leads to the suspicion and those behaviors we want to leave by the wayside but it seems so impossible at times.


Gin said...

I totally, totally, totally, get where you are coming from. I always trusted everyone until my husband's addiction began. Now I find myself questioning EVERYTHING that I hear, see, and previously believed to be true as far as he is concerned. I hate it!

Annette said...

Yep, I get it. For me that has been part of letting go. If we are going to let her live in our house with us, then there are some things that go along with that. The stress and the uncertainty of if she is using again is one of those things that tumble through our brains constantly. It makes us think long and hard about letting her come back....because personally I am tired, literally, of living like that. There is always that pull though...she is our daughter. Our beautiful child, and it is instinctual to want to protect her. So far she has not been homeless. But if she ever was, I don't know that I could let that go for very long. I just don't know. All I know is that it is much easier to mind my own business and let her take the consequences of her actions when she is not living at home with me and I can see everything going on. The trust has been broken.It takes a long time to heal, to be repaired. A very long time.

Fractalmom said...

TOTALLY GET IT!! I still find things that I thought I had but found out are missing. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

It's okay to be human. It's okay to doubt. You have reason to feel the way that you feel. Just keep working your program and let him work his. You're all in my thoughts and prayers!!!

Lou said...

I got nothing to add. It sucks. Do you ever hear an apology? I never did. Do you ever get an offer of repayment? I never did. Do you ever get treated to a cup of coffee? I never did.

There is a concept in addiction treatment called "terminal uniqueness." That means every addict thinks they are special. They don't have to follow proven recovery techniques; they are different. They don't have to make amends; they had special reasons for doing what they did. That thinking is part of the reason they can take your possessions and not feel any (genuine) remorse.

Sarah said...

It's nice to meet you both. I learn just as much if not more from the relatives of addicts as I do from addicts themselves. I have added you to my blogroll and will definitely stay tuned.

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my blog, also. It is always very very much appreciated!