As our son works on his sobriety I wanted our life to become more normal. But I am finding what we have to work on is our damages also. I am an impatient person. Anyone that knows me will second that comment. I credit my impatience to most of my successes but to most of my shortcomings also.
We want our life back now. But it doesn't work that way. As he works on his sobriety we still have all of the doubts, suspicions and fear. These are emotions that we have been trained to exhibit through 6 years of his addiction.
My natural inclination is to be a trusting person. I have always credited that to being, I was too lazy to not be trusting. Justification was that everyone was deserving of trust, because to not trust meant systems and behaviors had to be developed to protect myself and things. I don't wish to expend the time and energy to be distrustful. However, living with an addict forces you to be distrustful even of someone that lives in your own home where safety and security should be a given. I am still finding tools and things that are missing from when he would take them and sell them because of his drugs. That is frustrating. I have ask for a listing of things from him that he did and took but he has never come forward. If I had an idea of what to expect I could drop it and get over it but as it is now each thing I find missing drags up anger and frustration. When does it all end? I know it must be hard on him to re-hash all of this stuff but it is hard on us too.
Fear of him using again is always on our mind. That leads to the suspicion and those behaviors we want to leave by the wayside but it seems so impossible at times.