Friday, April 3, 2009

About The Same

It's been over a week since my last post. I guess no news is good news? But we have a weekend coming up. Weekends seem to be hard for him and us.

He has not gotten into any Oxford Houses. We take him to the interviews but there are a lot of people looking to get in and our son has no job or transportation. I can only assume that is not in his favor at all. But that is his issue to solve not mine. I have made the offer to pay a couple weeks rent and the deposit. After that he is on his own.

In a week it is our sons 21st birthday. Makes me depressed to think what he has done for the last 6 years and what he has to show for it. It is hard not to take his lack of accomplishment on myself and I work at not taking on his problems every day, I think mom has a harder time with it than I do.

I have read in other blogs that others seem to have this same issue. I have observed that it appears our son stopped maturing the minute he began using. He is turning 21 and sometimes seems to function with the maturity of someone much much younger. Is this a common thread? Social skills really seem to suffer, the ability to make small conversation, etiquette and the acceptance of social rules and norms seem to be lacking. It is hard to approach these with him because he gets very defensive about being picked on. Anyone have input or comments on these observations?

11 comments:

Syd said...

I've heard that also about the maturing stops at the moment that a person begins an addiction. He didn't learn the social skills and social graces as a teenager. It's sad but true. Best of luck with the weekend.

Anonymous said...

I just blogged about you...and how I understand your feelngs. My son is almost 21, but I believe his drug use has stunted his brain's ability to function to it's capacity. He's forgetful, and easily distracted.

Enjoy the peace, and I pray that it will last a long time. I just hit my one year anniversary since I learned of my son's addiction.

Debby
www.howismyson.blogspot.com

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Yes, its very common for a person to stop maturing at the age they began drinking/using. One more thing to make it challenging for them when they stop. And I know what you mean about weekends! I used to look forward to mine now I enter them with anxiety....what will happen this weekend??? Luckily the last two have been uneventful! I hope both our sons are "good" this weekend.

Fractalmom said...

the maturing thingy? definitely. my daughter turns 30 next month, but is still about 20 mentally and emotionally. she still doesn't really get cause and effect, or long term consequences. she now has brief periods of lucidity and seems to be doing fairly well with the two year old, but the child I raised is long gone.

the heroin has made HUGE holes in her brain. figuratively, I am not sure about literally, not being a neurologist or anything.

She can't remember anything anymore. She just visited the girls, was here for about 2 hours and managed to lose her keys several times, forget what she was doing numerous times, and forgot to leave when she was supposed to to pick up the person who's car she was using.

she talks way louder than normal people do, and seems to have periods of mania, followed by periods of s l o w which is one of the reasons I still think she is using off and on.

I don't think you can actually return to normal after heroin. shame. it would have been nice to have the wonderful kid i raised back someday. but no.

big Jenn said...

Yes maturing stops with the start of use. I know that I kept using until people stopped helping me. I used to teach classes to the families of addicts at my job. I know that that sounds harsh but it is true. My 26 year old nephew is a heroin addict. I've been trying to talk my sister into al-anon or therapy for years. She just started going to al-anon(free and better than therapy IMHO). The pain of her son's addiction finally became too great for her to bear without support. Just sayin'jeNN

big Jenn said...

I'm sorry, I was a chemical dependency counselor for 8 years. I stopped when my daughter died. (Long story) Anyway, It's not on my profile anymore.I worked in methadone for 2 years and did group therapy with addict. I also worked with families. I know how tough it is. It has affected my own family too. jeNN

Annette said...

Yep yep yep. To all that you posted. My daughter will be 21 in Oct and yeah to everything you said. I used to think I didn't see the maturity difference, but now realize that was because she was so young to begin with. The older she gets the more apparent it becomes. No understanding of people's personal space needing to be *respected.* And as hard of a realization as what Big Jenn said, most addicts only better when they have no other option, no outside *help* from family members. It is so hard to stop. Really, I equate it to peeling my skin off. Its awful. It is in our nature to care for our kids, to protect and make sure their needs are met....the only difference is that our kids, aren't really "kids" anymore. They are adults who must take responsibility for their actions and choices and their own lives. Keep on keepin on Mom and Dad.

Athena said...

Oh My. I finally posted an update today - I had to get it out. The first paragraph has this sentence: "Either way, I worry that a key part of her emotional development was lost to drugs, and wonder if she will ever be able to sync completely."

Then I checked on my blog friends, and see this. ~hugs~

clean and crazy said...

sorry i am reading these backwards, i have been real busy with getting a garden to grow that i have been away from my computer. I do have some input on this from an addicts point of view, and I would like to first say thank you for being such a great parent and being open minded enough to look outside of yourself for help. and i would like to also say I'm sorry, i know i am not your child, but I had a mother too and I did the same thing to her that your son is doing to you and words cannot express how much I feel when I read your post. I miss my parents very much, it wasn't until they stopped co-signing my S*** that I finally hit bottom and asked for help.
I am grateful to say my mother died knowing i had been clean for 3 years and I was working a very good program in NA before she passed.
As for your son's behavior everyone is right. he will only get defensive for a while, if he is only 17 days clean he will be writhing in constant conflict with in himself for a while. He will have moments of rational thinking, when life seems to go his way, but when addicts stop numbing out life with drugs we suddenly get this flood of emotional ca-ca, did i spell that right? anyway really this is normal and I know it is hard to deal with, but do not please, i repeat, do not take HIS CRAP personally. he will struggle inside to always try to get the easy way out. That is his inner addict if you will. See the program teaches me that I will never be cured, and life has proven that to me.
So what can he do or what can you do when he is sitting on his pity pot, let's face it we are selfish little addicts, well he will need to go to meetings. He will need to learn to listen to others who have been through exactly what he is going through, he will have to get a sponsor and he will have to work some steps. He is going to have to learn to deal with life on life's terms, not life on his terms, not life on dad's terms, or even mom's. He will have a rough road ahead, but if he sticks with the program it will be worth it. He will learn, hopefully that everything is not about him. Stepwork is the only thing that has ever given me a piece of mind. Being involved in service work has kept me in the middle of the row boat of recovery. i was told if you are in the middle, it is harder to fall overboard.
My look at this comment, I just have to say, thank you so much for posting about your struggles, you know a pain shared is a pain lessened. I hope this may give you a little insight as to his behavior. And please understand i am not condoning it, just because he is going through a rough time does not mean he gets to take it out on you. unacceptable behavior should not be allowed, i don't care how much he thinks he is hurting inside.It is just that he is trying to stay away from drugs and his inner addict is like a fish out of water grasping at anything to get him to act out. Thanks again

Doreen said...

Hi,
I am 40 and a mother of 2 sons (12 & 15). I've been battling an addiction to vicodin for 10 years. Just 2 months ago I made a drastic decision to do the Rapid Detox Program and get the Naltrexzone (don't know if I spelled that right) Implant and I thank God I did. It truly saved my life!!! The best thing about it is it stops the cravings. That was the hard part for me because I kept thinking about and craving the pills that I couldn't do anything else. It was hard to function. The implant blocks that and ensures that if I were to slip and take one (I pray to God I don't) that I won't feel the effects of it. It's the best thing ever! I tried the Suboxone a year ago but the problem was getting off of it. I didn't know this at the time but it is also addicting. The only down side to the Rapid Detox is the price. It cost me a total of $10,000 but it was the best money I've ever spent! Plus, I've spent more than that on my pills in a matter of just a year anyway. If you want more details on this I would be happy to let you know EXACTLY what I went through with the process and where I am today. I thank God every day for setting me free because drugs are truly a bondage. My heart goes out to you because unless you have an addiction you will never truly get it. Your son (like me and countless others) didn't WANT to become an addict...it just happened. I pray he doesn't go through the hell I've been through. He's young so it's a good thing you're dealing with it now. God Bless :)

Anonymous said...

Does the implant work if the person if abusing other drugs as well? my son is snorting all sorts of drugs an using needles..