Friday, April 10, 2009


It is good to have our son acting like he is honestly trying. It is important for dad to be patient, not one of my natural traits. I have to keep tempering my expectations to what is possible right now.

We went to dinner last night with some family, he went with us. Before we left he was very normal and relaxed. But when we left for the restaurant he began to get nervous, when he gets nervous he talks constantly. Kind of like someone at a much lower maturity level but I understand that. I just have to remind myself and be patient. If he is serious about changing he will learn. The bright spot at dinner was he minded his manners, did not wolf his food and never got up during the whole dinner. He was able to talk to his grandpa over dinner. For some of you dealing with an addicted child I'm sure you understand. As soon as we got home his nervousness subsided and he was back to normal and calm.

Dad has to keep working on himself. I must learn to live in the world of what is and not in the world of what ought to be.


Syd said...

You are very wise regarding expectations. I lower mine for just about everything. It takes practice and awareness.

Annette said...

***Dad has to keep working on himself. I must live in the world of what is and not in the world of what ought to be.***

Lots of wisdom there. And humility. Good for you. We are all learning everyday.

mother of drug addict said...

Once you learn how to do that, could you give me tips? thanks I am still trying.

Mike said...

I play the kid role in your relationship. While kicking opiates (one WHOLE month after the final dose) Your anxiety sky rockets. You feel like jumping out of your skin. You don't feel comfortable in your own skin. You are in pain. It is NOT pleasent.

The dinners I had with my family in active addiction and the whole family knew were very nervous for me too. I recall my grandpa acting nervous. He was worried his grandson was different. Not the same. Had he missed a crucial life changing event in my life? Would he ever see his grandson again? On the other hand your son is thinking, Do these people think less of me? Is it ever going to be like it used to be? I bet they are thinking of me right now and what a shithead I am.

I remeber my dad saying to me 'You know, you need to relax around me. Don't be nervous there is nothing to be nervous about. However, I was in the tail end of wtihdrawal! It hurt to even look anyone in the face much less talk to them. That was just normal people. This was MY DAD which is sick of my shit and I have to represent myself like what I did wasn't a shitty thing.

Anyway, I read your blog and I hope it works out for you. I fear you still have a lot to learn..

Lou said...

Mom/ are good people. Doing the best you know how when you know it. Good Holiday to you.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

You're a wise man, dad. Its usually easy doing the wise, thing...but I think your son is going to continue to benefit from your patience and support. Good to hear about the family dinner going so well.

clean and crazy said...

I was always told expectations are premature resentments. Try hard not to have any, it is a form of control. It sounds like your son has some control issues too. Being nervous is a sign of control, or the fact that he has none and it is hard to comprehend. It is so good that he can relax with you even if he gets nervous going out it means he doesn't want to disappoint you.

Fractalmom said...

yeah. that living in the "what is" world really is sort of suckish, but it is what it is.

Leslie said...

My son started smoking pot at 12 and using almost everything else after that. His drug of choice is heroin (at 25), but he often mixes coke with it to keep himself awake enough to drive home after scoring. It was explained to me that because he started using at such a young age, he lacks a maturity level that would have developed all of those years in between. He hasn't been using all these 'in between' years -- often in rehab -- but, apparently, he has some years to make up.

Take care.