Speaking and Guest Posts

Spring is just around the corner and you know what that means, I'm filling my schedule with speaking engagements at local high schools. All new students in the second semester. This Friday the 28 I am again speaking to students at Basehor Linwood High School. On March 11, I am scheduled for Shawnee Mission East again. I don't mean to toot my own horn about speaking at these schools but these students are lucky that they have teachers that care so much for them that they teach about drugs and addiction, no matter if I speak or not.

The one thing that could make these talks so much better that I have no control over is if each of these classrooms were full of parents with their children. I don't know but I bet you the parents that have come to hear these talks with their own child in the room aren't near as likely to have their own child suffering from addiction.

It's also time that I open up this blog to all of you readers. So many of you faithful readers leave such wise comments and ask such hard questions. Now it is your turn to play blogger. Please send me a guest post or ask a public question that can be posted on here. Thousands of other people literally around the world want to here from you. Please share your wisdom and questions.

email for posts: teamplayer@aol.com

As I have posted before, just a couple guidelines for guest bloggers:

• Guest Bloggers can remain anonymous or be public, your choice.
• Links will be available to your blog or e-mail if you choose.
• No commercial advertisements or posts thinly disguised as advertisements for rehabs.
• Good taste must be used.
• Appropriate language and content for our community.
• You will NOT be graded on grammar, but be sure to use spell check.
• One paragraph or one page, it doesn't matter on length, even just a simple question works.

Allowing Natural Consequences

Today I took part in a conference call with other Parent Support Network members along with professionals with The Partnership at Drugfree.org and counselors from The Center for Motivation and Change.

Part of the call focused on "allowing natural consequences." It was a very good discussion and there was a lot of back and forth about allowing natural consequences. What's the difference between allowing natural consequences, tough love and just being mean or angry about your loved ones addiction?

This isn't all about letting them sit in jail while you are miserable and feeling guilty. It's not as easy as taking away a car or not paying for a phone. Allowing natural consequences is putting yourself in a place where the actions you take have an intended effect of moving a person towards a realization that life addicted is more than getting high. Allowing natural consequences involves you being able to take actions that may cause your addicted love one uncomfortable circumstances but inside you know you are doing the right thing for the circumstances.

During our call we spoke about one end of the spectrum, your loved one is in jail and they want you to bail them out or they want money on their books. But we also spoke of dinner is at ____ and when it's over and they come late they don't find a plate set aside or leftovers. We all know about the discussions, arguments and fights concerning cars and phones.

But, how do you feel good about something like this? They are hungry, they are in that horrible jail, they need to have to have a car to get to work; all circumstances in which we as parents are particularly vulnerable. The only way to get past this is not that we take these actions because we should or someone told us too, we do this because we own it. We own this because it is our own personal value system.

It's not fair to ask someone to do something they are not capable of doing. I am talking about parents not your addicted loved one. Each of us can only do what we are capable of doing at any point in time. If something seems too harsh then it is an issue you must work yourself, don't shove it off onto your loved one.

Allowing natural consequences is a strategic action. Allowing natural consequences is not and should not be a REACTION.

Setting good boundaries based upon your own personal values and communicating them to your addicted loved one is step one. After all, you get that call from jail asking for bail money. You have bailed them out each time before. It's not fair to change the rules and expectations in the middle without giving your loved one the respect they deserve by explaining your values and plans. This is strategic and not a reaction borne of anger and frustration about getting that call from jail, again.

I want to make sure I am clear. Allowing natural consequences isn't tough love. For me tough love is seems almost like a "get out of jail card" for parents. It allows us to take an action and not care. Allowing natural consequences is taking deliberate actions with an intense interest in the outcomes along with open communication between your loved one and yourself.

A great resource for this is The Parents 20 Minute Guide. Don't take this on just because your read it on this blog or in the guide. Do this because it fits and you own it.

The Parents 20 Minute Guide

Addicts ARE People

Here is a link to a daughters blog about her father's addiction.

I am not going to say much about it other than she says it all.

Kelsey's Blog

It's good for all of those friends and family that have trouble understanding addiction

Don't Forget All The Others

It is the hot topic right now to write about the tragedy of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Not to minimize his experience but we must not forget how many other families had the same experience on Sunday.

As the rest of us prepared for the Super Bowl making snacks and gathering with friends other families were getting the news that their son, daughter, mother, father, brother or sister no longer felt the pain of addiction. They paid the ultimate price.

This continues to happen every day. It is not hard to remember the emptiness we felt a year ago when a friend called us to tell us about her son. Sadness, The Monster Claims Another

It may seem overly dramatic but there isn't a day I don't think about how lucky our family is that Alex is clear and sober today. Darlene ask me one day if there isn't a day I don't think about this. I replied no, "Not really." She told me maybe I need to talk to someone. I thought to myself, that's what all of you guys are for.

Seven years of my life while Alex was using affected me deeply. I cannot imagine the pain of those parents whose children that lost the fight before finding recovery. The nightmare must be horrific.

It's hard for me to give advice to parents whose children still struggle because I am not sure there is a good answer to the single overriding question, "What can I do to get them to stop?" I fought with that question for seven years. Today I have learned that the answer to that question is to take care of yourself and to not give up.

There are new treatments available today that were not available ten years ago. Chemical treatments and new evidence based therapy's show great promise. These aren't designed to be in place of the long tested therapy's like NA. It just means we have more at our disposal. Use whatever works for you and for your loved one.

My sympathies go out to the family of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. But my sympathies also go out to each of those families whose loved one wasn't the lead story on the national news. It happens every day. Statistics tell us that every 19 minutes someone loses their fight to the monster.

What if every single month there was a new 9/11 attack? Just as many of our countrymen lose their lives to addiction each month as those in New York. This is a national tragedy just as 9/11. We must not minimize any of these loses, not 9/11 and not the tragedy of addiction.

Facebook Quotes

I figure I am no different than anyone else that has a Facebook page, most of the updates I see posted from many friend seem to be quotations and funny cat videos. Quite frankly friends, I usually blow by them and do a quick scan to see what's going on and never give a second thought to all of those "inspirational" sayings. By the way I hated those Successory and inspirational posters every business had hanging on their walls for a decade too.

However, a quote posted over a big lion picture showed up today on my Facebook page that really struck home for me and I feel for anyone that has reason to read this blog. I am going to repeat it here for you all.

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice."  Bob Marley

5 Year Anniversary

On January 20, 1999 I began writing this blog. Never when I began did I think it would become what it has and last this long. At this point it has become an old friend and it keeps me connected to friends all over.

Prior to writing there had been a lot of water under the bridge, most of it very turbulent. I was finding it increasingly more difficult to navigate those waters and at times to even stay afloat. Writing on here did not calm the waters, it just seemed I had many experienced friends that were helping to guide me.

In the last five years so much has happened it is difficult to capture it in one post. Fortunately there are 540 posts that do that for me. However, I am going to try and recall some of the highlights of those five years that basically shook me to the core, some in good ways and some not so good.

Three grandchildren and a son in recovery. What more can I say about how good life can be. There were many smiles and quiet moments of appreciation.

However, every day there are times I relive the horrors. I drive past a courthouse or hospital and I feel a quiver in my body. Jail and overdoses haunt me. Every single day I drive by the cemetery where Darlene and I sat in the car and planned our son's funeral because at that time we felt we had lost him to the monster.

Every day I still feel the frustration that I didn't see this, couldn't stop this, and even though I know better, I couldn't fix this. Lot's of guilt still in dad that doesn't seem to go away.

But this blog helps. Each day I can write or I can simply just go back in time and read. I find comfort many days in the wise words many of you left for me as comments.

Each day I keep at this to try and offer hope or help to other parents just like me that feel hopeless and alone. We aren't alone, unless we choose to be. I talk about this at schools in hopes that when those grandchildren of mine grow up it won't be "cool" to try this stuff.

Just like five years ago, I had no idea what I was doing or what this blog would become. I have no idea where this is headed. My only hope is that I have helped as many of you by sharing my story as you have helped me.

Another Mother's Son

Here is another mother writing. Please give her a visit. No one is alone in this.

Hands Full of Tears

Podcast of Radio Interview

Here is a link to the radio interview I did last night.

http://forthepeople.podomatic.com/entry/2014-01-13T15_22_29-08_00

I want to thank Debra, Chamara, Robbin and all of the staff of "For The People....law in plain language" for having me on this show. We need more people like you that are willing to tackle this tough subject in the public. It is time we bring the disease of addiction out of the shadows and closet.

The first 30 minutes of the show the hosts spoke of their own experiences with drugs. I was then introduced and we spent another 45 minutes speaking with callers and answering questions.

Thank you for this opportunity.

Radio Interview

I have been asked to be interviewed live on a radio program located in Philadelphia, PA. It can be heard live on Tuesday 1/14 at 8:30 pm EST at www.GTownRadio.com. The title of the show is For The People…Law in Plain Language. I told them I am not a lawyer but they are looking for someone to talk about what a family goes through when they have an addicted love one and some of the legal stuff the family gets caught up in while addiction is controlling a loved one. 

If you are interested and miss the live broadcast the podcast will be available on Podomatic and Itunes.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all. Every year this is a day that hope and promise seems to fill us all. Even for parents of addicts still trapped in that vicious circle of a lost child.

Last night Darlene and I went to bed after toasting the new year, tired and sore, with our kids still playing board games on the dining room table. Whispering our hopes for the new year, not even mentioning anything about drugs, addiction, rehab or jail.

I can still vividly remember when our wishes included things like we hoped this would not be the year Alex died. How at times we couldn't even think about recovery, we simply were focused on his survival. Eventually we would fall asleep with no peace. We just knew we had to rest so we could survive another day. No one knew what horror was in store the next hour, day or week.

Last year a few days after the new year a dear friend called saying her son was found dead from an overdose of heroin. The monster is real, it feeds on our children and it is stalking our loved ones every day.

It saddens me that as we enter 2014 there is still no cure for addiction and nothing seems to stop desire and the flow of drugs to our children. However, there are many people doing good work to help us. There are chemical based treatments that help many. The new "evidence based therapies" show great promise with you people that do not find what they need in 12 step programs. 12 step meetings comprised of younger people that can relate to each other and know how to face and help them in their special lives.

Although it has been a few years since the monster has left our family it is not so long ago that we have forgotten the horror and terror we felt. In fact it hasn't even been too long to forget what it was like when the monster first entered our family. I believe that I'll never in my life forget those times.

My new years message to those parents just entering this world is to listen, learn and never ever forgot that you are not alone. We are not alone in this no matter if you are just discovering the terrible truth or have know for years. The monster will feed on your silence and fear. There are people that understand and can help, seek them out. If one person doesn't understand then find someone else. You don't have to suffer privately. Accept the truths of this life and survive.

And, as always to those parents that have endured this for years and years. Where there is life there is hope, just be cautious and do not misplace your hope. Many of you long time readers know how bad it got for us and Alex before he sought recovery in July, 2010.

None of our children are unlovable. It just takes special people to see past the addiction and to know there is still a person inside there. Work to find the answer that works for YOU. You can't fix them so it makes no sense to have two broken people because of the drugs. Work on yourself and when the time is right you will be healthy enough to do what is needed for your child.

I'll end with one question that I have ask many people that are struggling to fix and help their child. Every single day in this world thousands of people stop using and enter recovery that lasts the rest of their lives............If your child walked in the door today and today was the day for your child, do you know what to do and are you healthy enough to help them do what they need to do?

Ego Out Of Control

Today is my birthday and I know that all over the world there are celebrations and parties planned for this evening. To many this may feel this is a great reason for celebration but all I want for my birthday is for everyone to be wise and safe for today.

Please do not overindulge on my behalf.  Above all, please do not drink and drive.

Not to stress anyone out with those resolutions, that none of us intend to keep anyway; today let's look back on last year. Tomorrow we can look forward to a new year. Today think of something you are grateful for this past year and share it with two people. We should all end this year on a positive.

I am grateful my son has found recovery and maintained his recovery but that is stating the obvious.

I am grateful that I have happy and healthy children and grandchildren.

I am grateful for people that help others because none of us should be alone.

My Family

Santa has been very good to me.

The Magic of Christmas

This is the time of year that brings much joy to some and unspeakable heartache for others. There is not much I can say on here that can help many but what I say here does help me.

There are many different beliefs around Christmas and this holiday season but there are a few things I believe:

I believe there is nothing like seeing a small children and grandchildren tear into presents on Christmas morning.

I believe no person has scared more 2 year old children than Santa Claus, any doubt in this, there is photographic evidence.

I believe it is possible to put aside anger or hurt for one day.

I believe Christmas has become too big of a production with not enough love and support.

I believe if I lived someplace warm it wouldn't be the same holiday without 10 degrees and wind.

I believe that forgiveness is the most wonderful gift you can give yourself.

I believe a fire in the fireplace on Christmas makes everyone feel warmer and nicer.

I believe Christmas wishes do come true.

I believe for each of our suffering children there is recovery for them to take.

And most of all,

I believe for each of us life goes on and where there is life there is hope. Look around you and see all the the life. Try to tell me then there is no hope.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's to all no matter what your beliefs........Ron Grover

You Never Know The Impact

Susan Mayberry is a teacher that has had me speak to her students for 4 years. She just forwarded me an article published in The Basehor Linwood High School Express, the newspaper.

I remember this student very well during my talk.

You never know how you help someone when you share your story. Attached is the article for you to read.

"The Story Behind the Story" by Liz Morris

Thank you Zack for sharing. Thank you Liz for writing about it.

A Holiday Tradition (sic)

Twas the Night Before Christmas

at a Drug House

by A Very Sick and Twisted Person

(with a morbid, sick sense of humor, yours truly; it doesn’t rhyme)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

it got in our stash and overdosed.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

cause I was running around in the snow in my socks in hopes that

Nick soon would be there, cause he was holding.

My buds were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of oxy danced in their heads.
And Mama in her sweats, and I in my t-shirt,
had just settled our brains with some really good smoke.

When out on the roof there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Cops and a SWAT team, it’s a raid.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutter, and threw out the stash.

Staring at a .45 and tazer.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

and me cuffed on the ground

gave the lustre of midday to objects below,
when, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a sleigh and eight reindeer, that smoke was laced.

A little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Nick with a delivery.
More rapid than eagles, he drove by,
and he whistled and shouted and waved to the cops by name:

"Now Dasher! Now Dancer!
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid!
On, Donner and Blitzen!

On came the lights and out came the stop sticks.

Nick joins me cuffed on the ground.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
so up to the house-top the helicopters flew,
with the cabin full of SWAT.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
the prancing and pawing of every one of those SOB’s.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
down the chimney a fat man came with a bound.

He was dressed in black kevlar, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of weapons he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a mercenary just opening his pack.

His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were rosey, his nose red as a cherry, 

same as an alcoholic!

His droll little mouth was drawn up with a sinister grin,
and the beard on his chin was full of something white as snow.
A one hitter he held tight in his teeth,
and familiar smoke encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly; 

too many Oreo's and Taco Bell,

that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself,

tweakers can spot each other.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled bags with evidence, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose, 

leaned down to the table and giving a snort,

backup the chimney he rose.

He sprang into the chopper, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he flew out of sight,

Got us some good shit tonight.

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

For all my new readers here are links to my past holiday posts:

2012 - I Didn't Know This Program Existed

2011 - Santa Is A Fat Man

2010 - The Spirit Of The Holidays 

Cheating My Blog

I want to apologize to all of you. I've had a lot to say and wish I would have written but you know how it is for all of us. Lately I've been busier that a cat covering up you know what. Pretty poor excuse but that's the best I've got.

Everything is wonderful at home. The construction on the house is nearly done, new siding, driveway and I've got all the new wood flooring installed. Just in time for the holidays. Now Darlene is a slave driver on her punch list.

Alex and all the kids are fine. Another year where we anxiously await our holiday season. Unlike a few other years that seem so long ago now.

Now I am cheating. I am wimping out on writing all my thoughts. Today I am going to post a couple links and I would very much appreciate you all watch the short video and read through the 20 Minute Guide.

So much is evolving in the treatment of addition, particularly in the treatment of young adults that start as teens, where 90% of addicts begin. If you're struggling with a young adult, please, please, please I beg you to read the 20 Minute Guide and begin shedding the thoughts and actions that haven't worked for you or your loved one in the past.

The video link is of Tom Hedrick a wonderful man that has devoted most of his career in helping parents of addicts. Tom will soon be retiring from his position in New York with The Partnership. But I am sure this a man that will never give up the fight and as many thousands of parents that unknowingly owe him a huge thank you today there will be thousands more in the future that will benefit from his work.

Tom Hedrick

Tom is the one on the right in the red shirt.

Be sure to watch the link!!!!!!! 

After listening to Tom please go to The Center for Motivation and Change and download the Parents 20 Minute Guide. Forewarned, it takes a lot more than 20 minutes to digest it but it is time well spent by any parent. (just click on the subjects on the left side of the page)

CMC: Parents 20 Minute Guide

I know this might be a lot to ask in the holiday season but the video is only 2 minutes.

ps.: I told my story to 150 more students 2 weeks ago at a high school where I have not been before. A representative from another new high school called me last week trying to get me into his school to speak.

Talking to Students

Talking to students is easy. There is nothing to it when all you do is recount stories and the horrors of parenting and loving and addict.

The hard part is maintaining your composure when those stories are ripping at your heart. When you tell about the experience many years ago when my son showed me so well that addiction is not a simple choice but is really a disease that must be treated and fought like any other disease. Trying to tell the story of my son crying and asking me to please help him. How do you tell 30 young people about how that feels when I can barely get the words out of my mouth.

Telling stories of how we shared tears, my son, his mother and I. Struggling to do what no one had answers for. Opening my life, our lives to make a impact on these young adults so maybe there won't be another set of parents living our life.

Then comes tears I see on students cheeks. Watching a student run from the room, grabbing the whole box of tissues from the teachers desk. Students relating stories to me during break of siblings and parents drug use. A student asking me a simple question during break, "Why do people treat addicts so bad? They aren't bad people they are sick. I know everything you said is true, my mother is a heroin addict. I am so sorry you had to go through this with your son." She is trying to comfort me. Setting my business cards on an empty table, they have my blog address, phone number and email address on them. Students taking them from the table as they leave the room.

A couple of people that I admire in this field stress to me that self-care is most important in this field. It is important to take care of yourself so that you can go on doing good things. I told them once that my best self care was writing and sharing with all of you wonderful people that read these ramblings.

Talking is easy. The hard part is listening.

Holiday Season on the Horizon

Holidays were such a traumatic experience while our son was using.

His abhorrent behavior never seemed to end. No matter if they were or weren't talking we imagined all the horrible things the relatives were saying. We took it all personal. We were the parents of the drug addict.

During the holiday while everyone was visiting we would notice our son disappear. We never knew how long he would be missing. Even if all it was that he went upstairs we knew it was for bad. Didn't matter if it was for drugs or if he just needed to go to the bathroom.

It was personal. Why did he ruin EVERY holiday or special occasion? Couldn't he just stop for ONE day and be normal? Why couldn't we be relaxed and enjoy just ONE day?

Our son was a drug addict. It wasn't personal. He was doing what drug addicts do, he used drugs. It wasn't about the holiday, it was about the drugs. Why does it take so much for us parents to understand that reality when all we want is one day?

When you are caught up in the personal drama it is impossible to see the reality. Looking back we struggled every holiday. We wondered aloud, "Why us?"

Today I understand that those feelings of hurt and disappointment belonged to us. We could hope but we chose to ignore reality. We set unrealistic expectations.

This holiday season we do not live in fear. We look forward to a thankful and joyous holiday season.

My thoughts for all of you that are not in that place where a dry turkey or cookie crumbs left around the tree from a messy Santa are your only concerns. This holiday season think of yourself and feel the love of those around you that deserve the person you want to be. Choose to feel happy. That doesn't mean you must ignore or be angry with your child or loved one that is addicted. It just means look to yourself too. Just like any other day of the year you can't fix them so you must make the best of your situation.

Putin' It All In Perspective

For the last couple weeks it has been very stressful and worrisome here at the Grover homestead.

A couple of weeks ago there was a mass found in mom's breast. This in itself is worrisome but with her family history we got stressed very quickly. Mom's family has a history of breast cancer in her family. Although her mother did not die from breast cancer, she died at 57 from ovarian cancer, most all of her family has died young from breast cancer. Her aunts and cousins have passed due to breast cancer. Her younger sister is a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed in her forties and is a seven year survivor.  So as you can see when a mass was found near panic set in for us.

The doctors were concerned due to her family history. They reacted quickly and appropriately. Sonograms were done to confirm what was expected. Once it was determined that "something" was there surgery was scheduled. A needle biopsy could be done but with her history we opted for surgical removal. Very quickly surgery was scheduled. The surgery was done on a Thursday. We were told results of the tests would not be available until Monday. Last weekend was a stressful time. Mom went on a girl weekend with her girlfriends. That was best for her. They probably took better care of her than I could or would, physically and mentally.

On last Monday we anxiously awaited the doctors call. Late in the morning the doctor's office called only to tell us that they we doing more tests and results would not be a available until Tuesday.

A very long twenty hours followed. I think we both handled it differently. My mind went to the dark side, mom felt it was more positive. We both handled the evening in our own way.

On Tuesday morning the doctor's office finally called. the tests showed benign, NO CANCER.

Getting that news causes instant happiness but it also causes a person to think and reflect on what has been. We are only here and together for a little time. Addiction, cancer, heart disease and countless other maladies are in our world to take our loved ones. Make good use of what time you have with your loved one today. Do what you can to enjoy each other every day.

Critical lesson learned: Because of mom's vigilance in doing her mammograms regularly the doctors and her knew exactly what was happening and what to do. When the doctor can put up multiple years of mammogram results it is graphic what is going on in her breast.

A special message to all you mothers and women reading this. GET THE GIRLS SQUEEZED!!! Do your mammograms regularly. There is no acceptable excuse, nobody is too busy.

To all you men reading this, make sure those women in your life that you love read this and make their appointment. Drive them if they resist. Just make sure they do it, imagine your life without them.

Back To School

Going back to school to talk to more kids. This time it is Shawnee Mission South in Overland Park, KS. Like always, anyone that wishes to join me on Friday let me know. I'll make the arrangements. I have not been to SMS before. A whole new group to hear my story.

I always tell the teachers to be sure and invite parents. Sometimes they show up. It seems so more powerful when there are parents sitting there. One once told me she spent the whole hour holding back tears was scared to death about what can happen to a good kid.