I ask some very hard questions in a posting a few days ago and I have read and re-read the responses. I feel it is important for me to respond because I could tell people put a lot of themselves and their lives into very well thought out comments. I may ramble but I want to share publicly my perspective on these questions and the responses I read.
I once had a serious conversation about what addiction was like with my son. His description was to involve me in a demonstration. He told me to hold my breath and he would not think about drugs and using. He said by the time I had to take a breath he would already be wanting to use. With that kind of addiction where is the hope?
I am a control freak, I know that and admit to it. My belief in control is that, ultimately everyone is responsible for their own actions and is accountable for exerting the control to maintain a healthy lifestyle and a level of acceptable societal behavior. Yes, I have read the NA books and texts. In my way of living Number 1 is flawed. Powerlessness is something you allow or choose, it provides an excuse. Being powerless you must give up control of your own life and I’d never do that willingly in any way. Higher Powers, mom has one and I don’t. Another thing about control I guess. So, I take some things from NA and Nar-Anon but I leave a lot of it on the table. But a key belief in my life philosophy is “Whatever works for you.” I try to live an outcome based, goal oriented life, there are many ways to reach the same destination, I try not to be in the business of judging right and wrong as long as you are making progress on your journey.
Reaching bottom or becoming so desperate that change is the only route. I’ve been told by many that addicts don’t change until they reach bottom. I guess bottom can mean different things to different people but that has always seemed to a drastic phrase to me. I do however believe that true change to your core values, beliefs and behaviors of an individual usually only happen after a significant emotional event. To me a significant emotional event does have to be life or death but can be. From what I am hearing that with addicts it is almost always life or death. Unfortunately when many reach the point of life or death, death can appear to be a more attractive option. That is a fear of mine for my son.
Understanding a problem is my way of solving a problem. In good problem solving unless you fully understand the root issue all you ever do is chase your tail dealing with symptoms. For all these years I have felt like I have been chasing my tail. On top of that I have been trying to fix a problem that wasn’t mine, it was his. Fixing my problem means understanding his problem enough that I can live with myself in the event there is no solution to his addiction and the ultimate consequence is paid by him and us. We are a family, his consequences are his consequences but his life good or bad directly impacts our life everyday no matter how much distance we try to put between him and us.
One Day At A Time??? Every day I am told an addict fights this battle. Truthfully, that would exhaust me. When I was taking Alex to report to the jail I told him I did not know how to solve his problem but he needed to work on a solution and not just waste 6 months in confinement in jail and the residence center. My mind does not work like an addicts mind. One day at a time would be a formula for failure for me. Having to think about each day not to use drugs would drive me to it. In my mind when there is something I want to stop and never do it again I tell myself I do not have to expend any more energy in that fashion ever again and it goes to the back of my mind and it is like that box in the basement that never gets opened again and your heirs clean up the mess and throw it out then. But once again, whatever works for an individual more power to them. This is just how I deal with things and I know my way is not everyone else’s way. Maybe in my way of thinking it is not for me to understand how someone gets there, that’s why it is so difficult for me to internalize.
Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, been to many meetings. Gone to different Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings and first of all you find very few men at these meetings. Go to AA and NA meetings and there are a lot of men and women. As I said, my experience has been there is a lot of focus on Higher Power. I don’t do the Higher Power or God thing, that kind of turns me off because of the “turn it over to my higher power”. I don’t turn over my problems to anyone else or anything else. I usually don’t even like taking my car in to get it fixed, especially if I can do it myself. However, I do believe in expertise of an expert, so I sit in the waiting room and let the mechanic work their magic. If there is a higher power then somebody let him know I’m in the waiting room. LOL
“Addicts think there so freaking slick…” LOL That’s why the sheriff in LV County told me he had a jail full of them. Everyone knows, at times it was funny to watch our son trying to act straight when everyone knew he was high as a kite. But he thought he was fooling us all. What’s really bad is the funny turns to anger so quickly and after a while it is no longer funny. Then listening to him telling me he could “manage” his using. Maybe just a little pot and alcohol and maybe something else when he “needed” it. Then sitting there and listening to his lectures to me about how this was a disease like diabetes or cancer. Well if it’s a disease then you don’t manage your using, you either stop totally or you don’t.
We’ve begun setting boundaries lately that we can manage and live with. Ultimately if this is really his problem and we must deal with our problem we have to set boundaries that allow us to respect ourselves too. The truth is I know at the time I am enabling, but the difference now than in the past is I make a decision to take the actions I do. Sometimes it is because of selfish reasons to make me feel better. Sometimes it is at the request of others that I love. No matter I live with the actions and the help it does or the harm it does. For example, my son doesn’t particularly like this blog. He thinks it makes him look like a jerk and failure, but this blog is for my mental health and well being.
If I have offended you with my thoughts then I am truly sorry. If you’ve been reading my blog you can probably tell I hold nothing back. This is my place of honesty and reflection, it has helped me. I hope it helps you too.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
6 Unimportant Things That Make Me Happy
We got tagged to make this list so we'll try. Dad's doing three and Mom's doing three. You can try and guess who's is who's. The rule is we are suppose to tag 6 more people to make a list. So here goes.
1. Laying on the beach looking at the horizon and seeing the different shades of blue water.
2. Getting to the office and seeing the birds and squirrels I feed outside my window waiting for their breakfast at the edge of the window.
3. Holding my grandbaby.
4. Smelling fresh cut wood.
5. Crisp fall air and the changing colors of leaves.
6. A rumble under my seat.
Tag you're it:
http://allsfairinlovealcohol.blogspot.com/
http://herbigsad.blogspot.com/
http://howismyson.blogspot.com/
http://fishwhiskers.blogspot.com/
http://orinshelp.blogspot.com/
http://cw2smom-wearinmyheartonmysleeve.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Addiction????
Guess this may be something I may never understand. Without an addictive personality it is hard for me to grasp even after all this time how addiction runs your life to the point of destroying your life.
Maybe some of the addicts that read this blog can help.
How is it while in jail an addict can go without using but on probation regularly violates to use, full well knowing jail will be the result of using? Is incarceration and the inability to acquire the only thing that keeps one from using? What is the mental state of an addict in jail when not able to use? While you are clean do you have moments of a clear mind? If you are in jail and not able to acquire drugs you don't use, so why is it impossible to tell yourself NO when left to your own self regulation?
I have ask myself these questions a hundred times and using my experiences and mind cannot reconcile the actions of addicts with my reality. I'm sure many other parents have done the same. I've read the books, sat through NA and Nar-Anon meetings, spent 4 days in rehab going through the same sessions as other addicts and alcoholics. Seems like all I take away from it is that it is a disease, and you can't understand if you aren't an addict. Surely that isn't all there is. Acceptance of a problem without corrective action is not part of my makeup.
Maybe some of the addicts that read this blog can help.
How is it while in jail an addict can go without using but on probation regularly violates to use, full well knowing jail will be the result of using? Is incarceration and the inability to acquire the only thing that keeps one from using? What is the mental state of an addict in jail when not able to use? While you are clean do you have moments of a clear mind? If you are in jail and not able to acquire drugs you don't use, so why is it impossible to tell yourself NO when left to your own self regulation?
I have ask myself these questions a hundred times and using my experiences and mind cannot reconcile the actions of addicts with my reality. I'm sure many other parents have done the same. I've read the books, sat through NA and Nar-Anon meetings, spent 4 days in rehab going through the same sessions as other addicts and alcoholics. Seems like all I take away from it is that it is a disease, and you can't understand if you aren't an addict. Surely that isn't all there is. Acceptance of a problem without corrective action is not part of my makeup.
Friday, May 22, 2009
A Day In Court
Our son is in jail for 2 weeks for probation violation, dirty UA. After he serves the 2 weeks then he will be transfered to the residential center.
Of course during this time in jail he has a couple of established court dates he will miss. I called both jurisdictions and one agreed to give him a continuance until he gets into the center if I would come to court and ask for it personally. The other court would not grant a continuance, they are just issuing another warrant. So I spent a couple hours in court waiting for his name to be called so I could speak to the public defender for 60 seconds and he just handed me a slip with June 18, 1:00 for his new date. Basically destroyed a whole afternoon.
I am trying to help with the warrant rolling. If he is going to try cleaning up I figure helping with a continuance is small potatoes. When he goes to court he's on his own. While he is in the center they will take him to his court dates.
I am so lucky to have a boss that supports me and allows me to take care of the things that need to be done. That's the kind of boss that gets 110% and bosses like that deserve it.
Of course during this time in jail he has a couple of established court dates he will miss. I called both jurisdictions and one agreed to give him a continuance until he gets into the center if I would come to court and ask for it personally. The other court would not grant a continuance, they are just issuing another warrant. So I spent a couple hours in court waiting for his name to be called so I could speak to the public defender for 60 seconds and he just handed me a slip with June 18, 1:00 for his new date. Basically destroyed a whole afternoon.
I am trying to help with the warrant rolling. If he is going to try cleaning up I figure helping with a continuance is small potatoes. When he goes to court he's on his own. While he is in the center they will take him to his court dates.
I am so lucky to have a boss that supports me and allows me to take care of the things that need to be done. That's the kind of boss that gets 110% and bosses like that deserve it.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Woodworking, Misc
Thought I'd just put a few random pics of other woodworking projects. I should have been taking pics of other all my stuff but I just started doing this when I got a digital camera a couple years ago.
This is my workbench in my shop. It has a 3.5" solid wood top of maple and D yellow pine. It is edged with maple pinned with dowels. The legs are 4.25" square, solid yellow pine, along with the stretchers being solid 3"x 5". The 2 dark lines in the top are purpleheart. This has a dual purpose, they provide a nice decorative element but they are also 2 permanent straightedges built right into the workbench. The base is constucted with all thru tenon wedged jointry, it is built to last. Square benchdogs run the length of the bench. Needless to say this sucker is heavy, but it needs to be.
Fish Chair
My cousin's husband ask me to build this. He said my cousin really liked one of these they saw in Florida but could not bring it back. He wanted one to give her on her birthday. All I had was a picture to go on to build this chair. I used some of the same scale for this chair as my other Adirondack chairs but I had to change the back to being straight and the sitting area to be flat also. The tail of the fish is a separate piece that is curved for comfort and can be moved as a footrest. My cousin chose the color, the pinkish color name was salmon, a fitting color name for the piece I suppose.
Mantel
A friend at work was telling me that his fireplace mantel was just a couple boards laid across bricks. I told him that would never do, so I explained that a fireplace mantel is really just a series of boxes joined together with trim moulding added. He was sceptical so one Saturday he came over to my house we built him a simple mantel for his fireplace. In about 4 hours we had constructed this oak mantel for him.
Cabinet
This is a sample of the cabinets I have built for my garage. Got tired of all my crap sitting on open shelves. Truth is I could probably build an entire garage of these cabinets and still have crap sitting around. One day I'm going to get organized. LOL
Workbench
This is my workbench in my shop. It has a 3.5" solid wood top of maple and D yellow pine. It is edged with maple pinned with dowels. The legs are 4.25" square, solid yellow pine, along with the stretchers being solid 3"x 5". The 2 dark lines in the top are purpleheart. This has a dual purpose, they provide a nice decorative element but they are also 2 permanent straightedges built right into the workbench. The base is constucted with all thru tenon wedged jointry, it is built to last. Square benchdogs run the length of the bench. Needless to say this sucker is heavy, but it needs to be.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Thank You To Readers and Commenters
We want to thank each and every one of you that read or comment to our posts. You have no idea have much we appreciate those of you that are thinking of us or put us in your prayers.
When we started this blog it was a difficult decision to open ourselves to literally the world. As we grew to know many of you through your comments and your own blogs we have really felt a closeness and kinship in our struggles.
At times it is disheartening to know so much pain exists from parents and the addicts currently struggling with their addiction. But it is also encouraging to read of successes and the hope that exists out there over this scurge of addiction on the world. What is has shown us that this is not a local or US problem, this is a worldwide issue that doesn't have the focus that it needs.
A message to the drug cartels, the people supplying these poisons, the people growing and manufacturing this stuff, you are the terrorists of the world. You have destroyed more lives than a thousand 9/11's. Who am I kidding, as if they care?
Link
For anyone that is dealing with an addicted loved one please read the words on this blog.
http://sobriety-is-exhausting.blogspot.com/2009/05/monday-night-thinkin.html
Makes me think too.
http://sobriety-is-exhausting.blogspot.com/2009/05/monday-night-thinkin.html
Makes me think too.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Quite A Bit Of Water Under The Bridge
First of all, what a post by Mom. I went out to mow the grass and when I came back in and checked the computer I saw what she had written. I'm no hero, but she is my savior in all this.
Time to catch up and even try to put my own thoughts in order. I picked our son son up on Wednesday night at 9:30 and delivered him to detox by 11:00pm. He spent 3 days in detox, normally they have them stay for 5 days but they counted 2 days in jail as part of it.
On Saturday we went to the college graduation of our nephew. It was such a mix of emotions. When you watch the ceremonies and listen to the speeches at a college graduation it gives you such hope and pride of the generation to come. When I hear people talk down on "the kids of today" it is such a waste of energy. When you see these young people and think of their accomplishments I feel secure in our world knowing we are in their hands. What a fine young man my nephew has grown up to become, I am proud to have him near me.
All the while sitting on those hard bleachers watching these young adults parade in and then onto the stage as their name was called I had an anger inside of me. I sat there knowing full well there was not a thing any of these people had accomplished that my son could not have done. I was angry at him, I was angry at the drugs, I was angry at myself, I was angry at the world. What a waste of talent, brains and opportunity. This is something I must find a way of dumping because it is destroying a part of me. Even though I can rationalize it is his life not mine that doesn't keep it from causing me to be angry at every part of him and his addiction for throwing away this opportunity.
On Saturday morning early we left for the graduation. He was to be released from detox that day but we could not be there to pick him up until 7pm. At 7 when we got there he was waiting outside for us. His story was he came out because they were having meetings and he did not want to interrupt. I have my suspicions that he got out earlier and knew we were going to be there at 7 because that is what we told him. No evidence, just one of those gut feelings he had been out of the building for a while and who knows what went on till we got there.
He was not able to get into the residential facility until Monday afternoon. We stayed with him until I dropped him off at the facility. He has to do 6 months at The Center as it is called for violation of his probation. He called us last night and told us he is in jail because the judge give him 10 days for a dirty UA. After the 10 days he will transfer to the Center. I told him that when it is time for his release he must have someplace else to live other than our home. He must get into an Oxford House or some other clean living facility. I was also very explicit that if he screws this up at the Center and gets sent to jail do not call us because we are accepting no collect calls.
There is still no rest for mom and dad. We thought maybe we could get some rest but I was awake at 2am thinking. I figure it will take a few days to feel relaxed and comfortable. That is the ways it usually is for me. Maybe that should be called "loved ones detox".
Time to catch up and even try to put my own thoughts in order. I picked our son son up on Wednesday night at 9:30 and delivered him to detox by 11:00pm. He spent 3 days in detox, normally they have them stay for 5 days but they counted 2 days in jail as part of it.
On Saturday we went to the college graduation of our nephew. It was such a mix of emotions. When you watch the ceremonies and listen to the speeches at a college graduation it gives you such hope and pride of the generation to come. When I hear people talk down on "the kids of today" it is such a waste of energy. When you see these young people and think of their accomplishments I feel secure in our world knowing we are in their hands. What a fine young man my nephew has grown up to become, I am proud to have him near me.
All the while sitting on those hard bleachers watching these young adults parade in and then onto the stage as their name was called I had an anger inside of me. I sat there knowing full well there was not a thing any of these people had accomplished that my son could not have done. I was angry at him, I was angry at the drugs, I was angry at myself, I was angry at the world. What a waste of talent, brains and opportunity. This is something I must find a way of dumping because it is destroying a part of me. Even though I can rationalize it is his life not mine that doesn't keep it from causing me to be angry at every part of him and his addiction for throwing away this opportunity.
On Saturday morning early we left for the graduation. He was to be released from detox that day but we could not be there to pick him up until 7pm. At 7 when we got there he was waiting outside for us. His story was he came out because they were having meetings and he did not want to interrupt. I have my suspicions that he got out earlier and knew we were going to be there at 7 because that is what we told him. No evidence, just one of those gut feelings he had been out of the building for a while and who knows what went on till we got there.
He was not able to get into the residential facility until Monday afternoon. We stayed with him until I dropped him off at the facility. He has to do 6 months at The Center as it is called for violation of his probation. He called us last night and told us he is in jail because the judge give him 10 days for a dirty UA. After the 10 days he will transfer to the Center. I told him that when it is time for his release he must have someplace else to live other than our home. He must get into an Oxford House or some other clean living facility. I was also very explicit that if he screws this up at the Center and gets sent to jail do not call us because we are accepting no collect calls.
There is still no rest for mom and dad. We thought maybe we could get some rest but I was awake at 2am thinking. I figure it will take a few days to feel relaxed and comfortable. That is the ways it usually is for me. Maybe that should be called "loved ones detox".
Thursday, May 14, 2009
A Dad's Love
Will our children ever realize how deep their Dad's love is for each of them? Will they remember the mountains that their dad has helped them move through the years. The crisis at college, the issues while building a new house or helping bring an old run down house back to life, just to name a few. I do not know. My hope is that they do. Especially, this latest mountain for our son. It was just huge!
Dad didn't have to go to the PO and tell him Alex wasn't going to be able to make his appointment that day. He could have just called, but he didn't. He didn't have to help the PO get our son help, but he did. That's what their dad does for them. He goes above and beyond to help his kids. He didn't have to ask the Sheriff of our county for a favor so that our son's PO in the next county could get our son into Detox and and then The Center- but he did, Heck, I would not have been brave enough to even ask! Dad never hesitates to take the risk.
When we picked up our son late last night, I think Alex had a small glimpse that something unusual had happened. His dad explained to him, as we drove him from jail to detox center, each step he took, to make getting into The Center happen. Our son admitted that he was feeling so sick from withdrawal that he could not grasp it all, but he realized this was happening because of his dad. Dad talked to him about honor. Dad asked our son to keep the honor of his name. Our son said he wasn't completely sure about honor, but he would try. Then we had a whole different conversation on not just trying, but succeeding. We can only hope.
Whether my children find their dad a mountain mover for them right now, as I said earlier, I am not sure, But to me, he is a mountain mover, a risk taker, a resolver... he is my hero!
(and hopeful if not already, then one day, my children's hero as well)
~Mom
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Jail Does No Good For Addicts
It was quite a Monday evening and the soreness is gone in the muscle under my arm. 53 year old men should not be wrestling with 21 year old men. Although I do have a weight advantage, I'll have to remember in the future we are not in the same weight class so I shouldn't engage. LOL
Our son is in jail now on a paraphernalia charge in Leavenworth County. Yesterday he had a regularly scheduled meeting with his probation officer. This is the same one I spoke with and have been working with as noted in previous posts. At 10:30 was his meeting so because our son was in jail I went to his scheduled meeting and had a face to face with the PO. After hearing all the circumstances the PO developed a plan and wanted to know if I would help and if I bought into the plan.
The plan is that Alex needs to get out of jail. When he is released if needed he needs to go to a detox in Johnson County if they have space. Which they do I just called. After detox Alex must voluntarily submit himself to the Johnson County residential center for 6 months. After that we go from there. The key was Alex buying into this plan.
Yesterday afternoon I spent with the Leavenworth County Sheriff discussing my son and his situation. I found a sheriff very sympathetic and compassionate to this plan. When I went to discuss this I had no idea if would would find a sheriff in the model of Andy Taylor or Boss Hoss, I must watch way too much TV. The sheriff was a model of Andy Taylor, good old Mayberry must still be alive out there.
The sheriff got a meeting with the DA, his undersheriff and I. We all four had a discussion about Alex and the plan worked out with the PO from Johnson County. All in the meeting agreed that would be a very good plan if Alex agreed, which he did after I had a discussion with him at the jail visitor center. So LV Cty is going to drop all charges on the paraphernalia and kick him loose at 9:30 tonight. I must be there to pick him up. Alex must then call the detox for a quick 5 minute phone screening and I will take him straight to detox. The PO is going to the detox tomorrow to speak with Alex personally about the residential center. His admittance to the residential has been walked through the system by the PO and approval has been given for this plan by the "powers that be".
There is a plan, Alex says he is bought into the plan. The rest is completely up to him. Fingers crossed, and here is that old nugget of hope. I never give up but I better understand this time the responsibility is on Alex, I only have to help like this when I want to help.
ps.: What was so re-assuring or surpising was discussing this with the sheriff he admitted jail doesn't work for addiction. He said jail was his only tool so that is what he has to use. He was happy that I found another option, his opinion was that he didn't want our addicts in there any more than we want them in there. The sheriff is an elected position, I can only assume if he took a public stand like that he be branded soft instead of intelligent and re-election would just be a dream. Wish I had an answer for that.
Our son is in jail now on a paraphernalia charge in Leavenworth County. Yesterday he had a regularly scheduled meeting with his probation officer. This is the same one I spoke with and have been working with as noted in previous posts. At 10:30 was his meeting so because our son was in jail I went to his scheduled meeting and had a face to face with the PO. After hearing all the circumstances the PO developed a plan and wanted to know if I would help and if I bought into the plan.
The plan is that Alex needs to get out of jail. When he is released if needed he needs to go to a detox in Johnson County if they have space. Which they do I just called. After detox Alex must voluntarily submit himself to the Johnson County residential center for 6 months. After that we go from there. The key was Alex buying into this plan.
Yesterday afternoon I spent with the Leavenworth County Sheriff discussing my son and his situation. I found a sheriff very sympathetic and compassionate to this plan. When I went to discuss this I had no idea if would would find a sheriff in the model of Andy Taylor or Boss Hoss, I must watch way too much TV. The sheriff was a model of Andy Taylor, good old Mayberry must still be alive out there.
The sheriff got a meeting with the DA, his undersheriff and I. We all four had a discussion about Alex and the plan worked out with the PO from Johnson County. All in the meeting agreed that would be a very good plan if Alex agreed, which he did after I had a discussion with him at the jail visitor center. So LV Cty is going to drop all charges on the paraphernalia and kick him loose at 9:30 tonight. I must be there to pick him up. Alex must then call the detox for a quick 5 minute phone screening and I will take him straight to detox. The PO is going to the detox tomorrow to speak with Alex personally about the residential center. His admittance to the residential has been walked through the system by the PO and approval has been given for this plan by the "powers that be".
There is a plan, Alex says he is bought into the plan. The rest is completely up to him. Fingers crossed, and here is that old nugget of hope. I never give up but I better understand this time the responsibility is on Alex, I only have to help like this when I want to help.
ps.: What was so re-assuring or surpising was discussing this with the sheriff he admitted jail doesn't work for addiction. He said jail was his only tool so that is what he has to use. He was happy that I found another option, his opinion was that he didn't want our addicts in there any more than we want them in there. The sheriff is an elected position, I can only assume if he took a public stand like that he be branded soft instead of intelligent and re-election would just be a dream. Wish I had an answer for that.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tired and Very Sore This Morning
Here we go again. End of last week the bizarre behavior began again. I knew, but didn't want to go there but eventually the problem comes to you.
Last night mom uncovered the kit again. All the normal stuff, soot covered spoons, needles, wipes just the standard crap. We were on our way to bed. I fact I was already in bed. Mom confronted him and it began to get ugly fast. I was out of bed and when I got to his room everything was evident, even with his lies about it being old stuff. he persisted in his lies even when told him we search this room and the bathroom, where he said it came from, all the time. Just about every time he is gone. I know for a fact the stuff wasn't there last week, I had looked.
We knew something was up, the phone had been ringing off the hook last night.
I got angry, it's that anger that only parents of an addict knows. It's boiling over anger that is supercharged with frustration, lies and fear. I told him he could not live here any more. Told him I am not living with an addict and his shit any more. He was angry and began putting on his shoes. Mom told him to at least pack a bag of clothes and stuff if he was leaving now. He said he didn't need it that he was going to be dead by tomorrow.
My child protective defenses kicked in, told him he was not leaving and he said he was. I had to try and physically restrain him at the same time calling 911. We wrestled until he finally broke free. I felt it was a life of death struggle and fought like it too. He kept telling me to stop that he didn't want to hurt me.
He broke free and ran, got about 100 yards away and stopped. He came back. He knew the cops were coming and it was going to end badly for him but I do have to give him credit he came back.
We went back upstairs and the arguing started again, we were all shouting and about that time the cops got there. Came in with guns drawn and made us come outside. Settled down then. Mom and dad filled out statements. Alex gave them permission to get the paraphernalia from his room so he will be charged with paraphernalia and he was taken to jail.
Cops told dad that if he wanted to press charges for me restraining him I could have been taken to jail too but he is not pressing charges and they are not taking dad into custody under the circumstances. What a totally screwed up world it is that through all this if he had not let them in his room, I could have went to jail in cuffs and he could have walked.
We have a lot to contemplate. Better seems only to be a temporary condition, using appears to be the norm. Next step? He cannot live here, it is unhealthy/dangerous for us and him.
Last night mom uncovered the kit again. All the normal stuff, soot covered spoons, needles, wipes just the standard crap. We were on our way to bed. I fact I was already in bed. Mom confronted him and it began to get ugly fast. I was out of bed and when I got to his room everything was evident, even with his lies about it being old stuff. he persisted in his lies even when told him we search this room and the bathroom, where he said it came from, all the time. Just about every time he is gone. I know for a fact the stuff wasn't there last week, I had looked.
We knew something was up, the phone had been ringing off the hook last night.
I got angry, it's that anger that only parents of an addict knows. It's boiling over anger that is supercharged with frustration, lies and fear. I told him he could not live here any more. Told him I am not living with an addict and his shit any more. He was angry and began putting on his shoes. Mom told him to at least pack a bag of clothes and stuff if he was leaving now. He said he didn't need it that he was going to be dead by tomorrow.
My child protective defenses kicked in, told him he was not leaving and he said he was. I had to try and physically restrain him at the same time calling 911. We wrestled until he finally broke free. I felt it was a life of death struggle and fought like it too. He kept telling me to stop that he didn't want to hurt me.
He broke free and ran, got about 100 yards away and stopped. He came back. He knew the cops were coming and it was going to end badly for him but I do have to give him credit he came back.
We went back upstairs and the arguing started again, we were all shouting and about that time the cops got there. Came in with guns drawn and made us come outside. Settled down then. Mom and dad filled out statements. Alex gave them permission to get the paraphernalia from his room so he will be charged with paraphernalia and he was taken to jail.
Cops told dad that if he wanted to press charges for me restraining him I could have been taken to jail too but he is not pressing charges and they are not taking dad into custody under the circumstances. What a totally screwed up world it is that through all this if he had not let them in his room, I could have went to jail in cuffs and he could have walked.
We have a lot to contemplate. Better seems only to be a temporary condition, using appears to be the norm. Next step? He cannot live here, it is unhealthy/dangerous for us and him.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Someone Else Needing Help
ChaiLatte has been writing me about her 21 year old son who is a heroin addict and currently "couch surfing". She has now started her own blog. If you get a chance look it over and if you have anything for her I know she is open for help.
http://www.prayingformyson.blogspot.com/
http://www.prayingformyson.blogspot.com/
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Woodworking, Adirondack Chairs
My chair obsession.
When we began to be aware of our son's using and how bad it became I seriously retreated into my shop. I'd do anything just to keep from being around him. Mom ask me to make her a couple of Adirondack chairs. I was on it in a flash.
I don't like just buying a plan and cutting boards to a material list so I have a need to make it my own. I studied several plans and along time ago I had some education in human ergonomics. I wanted a chair that contacted the body in the maximum amount of points to lessen the pounds per square inch on any possible contact spot. It may sound crazy but I got into it so much I was doing mock ups and measuring my own body curves and just being obsessive. I figured I was an ideal typical specimen, slightly overweight old guy.
But it worked. When people first see the chairs I am often ask about cushions for the seats. I make them sit in them and everyone has said these don't need cushions. The seat is at an angle that it contacts you all the way from the butt to the calves of your legs. The seat's form matches the typical curvature of your thigh to leg. The back is curved to match the back curvature at your shoulders and lower back. So without holding a straight stiff back, just relaxing normally the back or the chair contacts your back at the maximum amount of contact points. The angle of the chair back and seat is 17 degrees which puts you body in a naturally relaxing position without being too reclined as to not being comfortable.
The first picture is the original chair. It has no finish on it because Mom was still deciding what she wanted it to look like. The 2 white chairs were a couple I made for my brother. After that was when I found out I had a problem with saying no. The next picture was 8 more of them along with a baby one and tables just cobbled together out of scraps. To date I have made 26 of these chairs. Good thing I made pattern boards.
If any of you watch The New Yankee Workshop with Norm Abrams it is one of those woodworking shows that we wood nuts record. I sent in a picture of my original chair and he has it posted on his website along with a lot of other New Yankee projects. http://www.newyankee.com/nyw_yankees.php?do=name&dest=ksrongrover.jpg
I don't like just buying a plan and cutting boards to a material list so I have a need to make it my own. I studied several plans and along time ago I had some education in human ergonomics. I wanted a chair that contacted the body in the maximum amount of points to lessen the pounds per square inch on any possible contact spot. It may sound crazy but I got into it so much I was doing mock ups and measuring my own body curves and just being obsessive. I figured I was an ideal typical specimen, slightly overweight old guy.
But it worked. When people first see the chairs I am often ask about cushions for the seats. I make them sit in them and everyone has said these don't need cushions. The seat is at an angle that it contacts you all the way from the butt to the calves of your legs. The seat's form matches the typical curvature of your thigh to leg. The back is curved to match the back curvature at your shoulders and lower back. So without holding a straight stiff back, just relaxing normally the back or the chair contacts your back at the maximum amount of contact points. The angle of the chair back and seat is 17 degrees which puts you body in a naturally relaxing position without being too reclined as to not being comfortable.
The first picture is the original chair. It has no finish on it because Mom was still deciding what she wanted it to look like. The 2 white chairs were a couple I made for my brother. After that was when I found out I had a problem with saying no. The next picture was 8 more of them along with a baby one and tables just cobbled together out of scraps. To date I have made 26 of these chairs. Good thing I made pattern boards.
If any of you watch The New Yankee Workshop with Norm Abrams it is one of those woodworking shows that we wood nuts record. I sent in a picture of my original chair and he has it posted on his website along with a lot of other New Yankee projects. http://www.newyankee.com/nyw_yankees.php?do=name&dest=ksrongrover.jpg
ps.: In the background you can see what my kids call another of my obsessions, my koi pond.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Woodworking, Occasional Table
I guess no news about our son is good news. He still seems to be staying the course. Holding my breath all the time but I feel much better now than I have for a long time. It is his cousins birthday parties this Saturday and we are all going. He is anxious to go and I know he will do better. At social events you can actually see progress now.
Woodworking, Occasional Table
This is a table that Mom requested to go at the end of the couch next to the wall. She wanted something to replace a popcorn can that I used to pile my wood magazines.
The wood is Jatoba, or commonly refered to as Brazilain Cherry. This is a common wood in South America like what you would consider oak here in the US. So I am not destroying the rain forest using these woods. As you can see the wood is slightly orangy brown in color. There is no stain on this piece. As it ages and is exposed to UV light it will slightly darken. Construction techiques involve half lap joints at the center of the stretchers. The stretchers are attached to the legs using mortise and tenon jointery. The round top is perfectly round, I made a jig for the band saw to ensure that there were no flat sides or it was oblong. I really like the old time finishes, in my opinion the new polyurethanes provide tremendous protection if it is needed. But the plastic look of these finishes turn me off. Due to the hardness of this wood I used a hand rubbed oil with multiple coats. On top of that I finished with a wax finish.
Jatoba is a very heavy and hard wood. Here is a comparison if you are not familiar with this wood. On the Janka Wood Hardness Chart, jatoba is ranked 2350, hard maple 1450, red oak 1290 and walnut 1010. Higher numbers are harder and usually heavier. Hit somebody with this table and it will not be breaking like you see in the movies. LOL This wood is nearly twice as hard as what wood baseball bats are made from here in US.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Turning on the Good Radar
At times it is so hard to see the good. I have become so accustomed to look for the bad and be suspicious that most the effort my son exerts to becoming clean and working his way towards normal is missed.
I know it must be a struggle to overcome an addiction. I have to believe that we all would hate to give up something that we like, asking an addict to give up drugs seems easy to me but it must be a tremendous challenge. Guess that is why the "one day at a time" is so critical. I take for granted and make assumptions about what I believe he should be or what he should be doing. This only makes my life more stressful. I have to remember to reward accomplishment and not spend so time being critical of meaningless things just because they do not fit within my picture. My picture is not his picture. Meaningful change takes place over time, I've been looking for that switch to throw that changes everything for 5 years. There is no switch.
I have to become aware of the successes of his that I take for granted, and acknowledge them. I must put away my assumptions and temper my expectations. I will do this for a selfish reason, it will make my life better.
Last night he went out with a couple of his new friends. Now they are all over 21 years old. They went to a bar and my son did not drink. He came home early.
I know it must be a struggle to overcome an addiction. I have to believe that we all would hate to give up something that we like, asking an addict to give up drugs seems easy to me but it must be a tremendous challenge. Guess that is why the "one day at a time" is so critical. I take for granted and make assumptions about what I believe he should be or what he should be doing. This only makes my life more stressful. I have to remember to reward accomplishment and not spend so time being critical of meaningless things just because they do not fit within my picture. My picture is not his picture. Meaningful change takes place over time, I've been looking for that switch to throw that changes everything for 5 years. There is no switch.
I have to become aware of the successes of his that I take for granted, and acknowledge them. I must put away my assumptions and temper my expectations. I will do this for a selfish reason, it will make my life better.
Last night he went out with a couple of his new friends. Now they are all over 21 years old. They went to a bar and my son did not drink. He came home early.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Fear and Suspicion
As our son works on his sobriety I wanted our life to become more normal. But I am finding what we have to work on is our damages also. I am an impatient person. Anyone that knows me will second that comment. I credit my impatience to most of my successes but to most of my shortcomings also.
We want our life back now. But it doesn't work that way. As he works on his sobriety we still have all of the doubts, suspicions and fear. These are emotions that we have been trained to exhibit through 6 years of his addiction.
My natural inclination is to be a trusting person. I have always credited that to being, I was too lazy to not be trusting. Justification was that everyone was deserving of trust, because to not trust meant systems and behaviors had to be developed to protect myself and things. I don't wish to expend the time and energy to be distrustful. However, living with an addict forces you to be distrustful even of someone that lives in your own home where safety and security should be a given. I am still finding tools and things that are missing from when he would take them and sell them because of his drugs. That is frustrating. I have ask for a listing of things from him that he did and took but he has never come forward. If I had an idea of what to expect I could drop it and get over it but as it is now each thing I find missing drags up anger and frustration. When does it all end? I know it must be hard on him to re-hash all of this stuff but it is hard on us too.
Fear of him using again is always on our mind. That leads to the suspicion and those behaviors we want to leave by the wayside but it seems so impossible at times.
We want our life back now. But it doesn't work that way. As he works on his sobriety we still have all of the doubts, suspicions and fear. These are emotions that we have been trained to exhibit through 6 years of his addiction.
My natural inclination is to be a trusting person. I have always credited that to being, I was too lazy to not be trusting. Justification was that everyone was deserving of trust, because to not trust meant systems and behaviors had to be developed to protect myself and things. I don't wish to expend the time and energy to be distrustful. However, living with an addict forces you to be distrustful even of someone that lives in your own home where safety and security should be a given. I am still finding tools and things that are missing from when he would take them and sell them because of his drugs. That is frustrating. I have ask for a listing of things from him that he did and took but he has never come forward. If I had an idea of what to expect I could drop it and get over it but as it is now each thing I find missing drags up anger and frustration. When does it all end? I know it must be hard on him to re-hash all of this stuff but it is hard on us too.
Fear of him using again is always on our mind. That leads to the suspicion and those behaviors we want to leave by the wayside but it seems so impossible at times.
Woodworking, Cutting Boards
End Grain Cutting Boards
These are end grain cutting boards I made for Christmas presents one year for daughters, friends and sister-in-law. They are all made from different woods. My daughter loves the color red so hers is predominately bloodwood, which is naturally red. Other woods include purpleheart, maple, walnut, and jatoba (Brazilian cherry). I know cutting boards are 8th grade shop stuff but if you add a little creativity and design they become a little more decorative and not so utilitarian. The boards are end grain so they should last longer than the user. End grain boards are how butcher blocks were made for the butchers over 100 years ago and you can still find them in antique stores.
The demand has been high. I have since made 12 of these. I like doing woodworking as a hobby, didn't know I was going to be a production shop. LOL Doesn't matter, I make them for the enjoyment.
Mom uses hers for a serving tray more than a cutting board.
These are end grain cutting boards I made for Christmas presents one year for daughters, friends and sister-in-law. They are all made from different woods. My daughter loves the color red so hers is predominately bloodwood, which is naturally red. Other woods include purpleheart, maple, walnut, and jatoba (Brazilian cherry). I know cutting boards are 8th grade shop stuff but if you add a little creativity and design they become a little more decorative and not so utilitarian. The boards are end grain so they should last longer than the user. End grain boards are how butcher blocks were made for the butchers over 100 years ago and you can still find them in antique stores.
The demand has been high. I have since made 12 of these. I like doing woodworking as a hobby, didn't know I was going to be a production shop. LOL Doesn't matter, I make them for the enjoyment.
Mom uses hers for a serving tray more than a cutting board.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Introducing Mom
Mom's picture is now on our post. We aren't really looking our best but I think the happiness of our new granddaughter overcomes. We got a call about 10:30 at night that she was coming and of course off to the hospital we go. As you can see faintly through the shutters, sunlight is coming through. Up all night but it was worth it.
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