Two requests/questions have been ask by readers concerning my post about how much work it is parenting an addict. One, detaching with love, how? Two, what is, working on things that didn't accomplish or mean a thing? Both of these questions are complex. The difficulty in these issues involve relationships with your child and yourself.
Detaching does not mean not loving or believing in your child. Detaching does not mean walking away and giving your child to the drugs and washing your hands of the whole situation.
Detaching with love is difficult. Mom and I struggle with this daily and it it is ongoing. But it is something that is good for us and good for our son. If, as a parent you want to do what is best for your child no matter how old they are and how much they are struggling you will work on this every day.
To detach with love requires a little bit of selfish behavior that rewards both entities. Detaching with love requires good boundaries. Without taking the time to set good boundaries and understanding exactly how your boundaries match your core values you will find yourself forever in rescue mode.
Operating in rescue mode means you will react to every emotion, crisis and incident of drama in both your life and your addicts. Rescue mode will consume you and every ounce of your energy and it is self perpetuating. The more rescuing you do the more you will find to rescue. Think of those people that have made it their life's mission and job to rescue: firefighters, police officers, military specialists, lifeguards; not a single one of them attempts to rescue anyone without first understanding their boundaries. Without clear boundaries rescuers become the rescued. This applies to parents of addicts too.
Detaching with love means you understand and buy-in to your own personal values and how they relate to the behavior you exhibit to your addict. I know very well this is complicated. This requires you to study about boundaries, create the quiet time to really analyze what you believe about addiction and your child and depending on the person and family it may require you to seek outside counsel of friends, counselors or outside groups. But even with all the help this is a deeply personal task.
Working on things that did not accomplish a damn thing. With most of us this does not just apply to our addict, it applies to our lives. A wise man once counseled me that if I spent my life making only new mistakes then my life was truly a life of learning. When I think of the things I did and worked on with my addict much of that time could be considered wasted or even worse repeating the same mistakes I had already made. Many of the specific examples I could cite are actually repeated mistakes and most of them relate to being in rescue mode that at the time I didn't even recognize as a method of parenting or living with an addicted child.
Wasted efforts and wasted time is the effort and time in which you learn nothing and in which you do not change yourself. That's the simplest answer that only becomes complex when you think about application. The problem is the application again can vary based upon the family, addict and circumstances.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
20/20, Teens Hooked On Heroin
In case you missed the ABC News show 20/20 did on teens and heroin here is a link to the entire show.
Teens Hooked On Heroin
Teens Hooked On Heroin
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
How Much Work Is It?
How much work is it parenting an addict?
This is going to a be a selfish post. Not one of self pity but one of realization. For over one seventh of my life I have been parent to an addict in active addiction. Of course for the first two years we existed in oblivion of his disease. I'm finding that is not uncommon, unfortunately.
Addiction doesn't recognize vacations, time off, or holiday's. This is a 24/7 disease. The drama invades every waking and sleeping moment of a parents life. Phone calls at all hours and the overwhelming fear of each ring that the message is that ultimate horror.
Relationships crumble dealing with the drama of an addict. Let'em go, stop enabling, cut'em loose, kick'em out of your life, just ignore them, are all phrases that cut you like a knife through hot butter. Every one of them spoken by people that love you and are well intentioned but don't seem to realize that this is your child. Words come easily from those that have never worn these shoes.
Addiction is work. Not just for the addict that struggles every single hour to find a way of getting that next hit but also for all of those that love an addict. Work for those parents that now find themselves raising grandchildren. Added stress for those parents struggling with jobs. Our struggling with parental shame and self doubt caused by the inability of our society and nation as a whole to recognize the effects of this disease. Struggling with our own conflicting beliefs about drugs and drug addicts.
Detach with love. If only it were that easy.
But detach with love is what we must do, not just for our own sanity and life but for the health of our addict. Detaching with love is just another "thing" we must learn to do as if we don't have enough already.
It seems a lot easier to sit back now and come up with what we should do while our son is in recovery and doing well but isn't that the way it always is for most things. Reflection and deliberation is how I learn. Without a time of peace it is hard to take a moment for yourself but it is something that you must do for your own health.
There is no doubt in my mind that this has aged Mom and I considerably. No one goes through this with a child without an nearly unbearable heartache. Sleepless nights, financial stress, the compromising of our own personal values does damage I am not sure is measurable.
Just because right now our son is in recovery does not mean our work is finished. There is a path of destruction behind us in our own wake with our own life and issues. Most of it I am not going even worry about cleaning up. Selfishly, I want a break, but at some point some of the work needs to be done.
How much work is it? It's a hell of a lot of work, but it's worth it if you are working on the right things. My biggest regret is I spent so much effort working on things that didn't mean or accomplish a damn thing.
This is going to a be a selfish post. Not one of self pity but one of realization. For over one seventh of my life I have been parent to an addict in active addiction. Of course for the first two years we existed in oblivion of his disease. I'm finding that is not uncommon, unfortunately.
Addiction doesn't recognize vacations, time off, or holiday's. This is a 24/7 disease. The drama invades every waking and sleeping moment of a parents life. Phone calls at all hours and the overwhelming fear of each ring that the message is that ultimate horror.
Relationships crumble dealing with the drama of an addict. Let'em go, stop enabling, cut'em loose, kick'em out of your life, just ignore them, are all phrases that cut you like a knife through hot butter. Every one of them spoken by people that love you and are well intentioned but don't seem to realize that this is your child. Words come easily from those that have never worn these shoes.
Addiction is work. Not just for the addict that struggles every single hour to find a way of getting that next hit but also for all of those that love an addict. Work for those parents that now find themselves raising grandchildren. Added stress for those parents struggling with jobs. Our struggling with parental shame and self doubt caused by the inability of our society and nation as a whole to recognize the effects of this disease. Struggling with our own conflicting beliefs about drugs and drug addicts.
Detach with love. If only it were that easy.
But detach with love is what we must do, not just for our own sanity and life but for the health of our addict. Detaching with love is just another "thing" we must learn to do as if we don't have enough already.
It seems a lot easier to sit back now and come up with what we should do while our son is in recovery and doing well but isn't that the way it always is for most things. Reflection and deliberation is how I learn. Without a time of peace it is hard to take a moment for yourself but it is something that you must do for your own health.
There is no doubt in my mind that this has aged Mom and I considerably. No one goes through this with a child without an nearly unbearable heartache. Sleepless nights, financial stress, the compromising of our own personal values does damage I am not sure is measurable.
Just because right now our son is in recovery does not mean our work is finished. There is a path of destruction behind us in our own wake with our own life and issues. Most of it I am not going even worry about cleaning up. Selfishly, I want a break, but at some point some of the work needs to be done.
How much work is it? It's a hell of a lot of work, but it's worth it if you are working on the right things. My biggest regret is I spent so much effort working on things that didn't mean or accomplish a damn thing.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Continuing Education
Nothing stays the same.
Have you heard of K2? It's the stuff that is sold in "head shops" and quickie marts as "incense". Many states are in the process of of banning this substance, Kansas has already banned it. But already there is a new version out called K3. Methodology of the product is it is actually being smoked like weed although the packaging does explicitly caution against using the product in this way.
The new one that is hitting the scene is "Bath Salts" . A common brand name is Ivory Wave. The active ingredient is MDPV and it provides a high similar to Ecstasy. This can be snorted and some even just use it as a bath salt and experience a high. Unfortunately people are dying using this "legal" product in the way it is not intended on the package. The UK has already banned this substance.
It amazes me how the people who manufacture and sell these types of materials always seem to take the high road by prominently posting on the package to use this material only in the way prescribed.
It is sad there is a few people with such a lack of humanity that they would profit on destroying humanity.
Have you heard of K2? It's the stuff that is sold in "head shops" and quickie marts as "incense". Many states are in the process of of banning this substance, Kansas has already banned it. But already there is a new version out called K3. Methodology of the product is it is actually being smoked like weed although the packaging does explicitly caution against using the product in this way.
The new one that is hitting the scene is "Bath Salts" . A common brand name is Ivory Wave. The active ingredient is MDPV and it provides a high similar to Ecstasy. This can be snorted and some even just use it as a bath salt and experience a high. Unfortunately people are dying using this "legal" product in the way it is not intended on the package. The UK has already banned this substance.
It amazes me how the people who manufacture and sell these types of materials always seem to take the high road by prominently posting on the package to use this material only in the way prescribed.
It is sad there is a few people with such a lack of humanity that they would profit on destroying humanity.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Whatever Works For You
What a great week we have had with everything going on here at our place. At the end I will post a link to the Fall Festival pictures.
Our son is still doing wonderfully. He is working. Plus he is going to court for his stuff he committed in the past. I can't help but think that has to be hard. If you're clean and trying to fly straight and have to go and take care of past issues, must be discouraging but he doesn't complain and he always takes money with him to satisfy the judge and PO that he is taking care of his obligations.
I went and spoke to a group of parents last week. A parent expressed her happiness about her son had been clean 62 days. We all felt great for him and expressed our joy to her. But for myself that was exactly the topic I had recently been deliberating on concerning recovery, the "day count."
I am a very goal oriented person so I very well understand the nature of keeping track of progress and goals, Gant Charts are not considered foreign language for me. But as I focused on my son's "day count" which I really don't know, I begin to feel conflicted. What exactly is a day count. I have spent countless hours of trying to accept the way this disease works, the minute by minute struggle for an addict at times. But in recovery it becomes day count. I was ask in the meeting about my son. My response was that he was clean today. My attitude today is that his sobriety is his business and the most important day in the world to me is today.
Now I may be upsetting to some about that kind of attitude. I read about and hear from others about their day count and their anniversaries. Despite what I said, I honestly feel joy for them and their day count. The most important thing for anyone is, whatever works for you, works for you and I'm happy about that.
I'm not a NA or Anon 12 step person. I went to meetings but they did not work for me. I've done the counselor thing, but likewise I'm not a person that does the counseling thing. I'm not a church or prayer person. But I'm going to tell you I advocate for all of these things. The most important thing in all of this for a parent or an addict is "what works for you." And, if it ain't working find something that does.
Hope that doesn't sound conflicting to others but the old saying, "There is more than one way to skin a cat." Each of us must skin our cat our way. My trouble for quite a few years was that I was trying to skin my cat and his too. That doesn't work. Plus I was trying to skin my cat just the way everyone else was doing it and my cat isn't exactly like your cat, our cats may be similar but no two cats are exactly alike. Each of us must skin our cats the way best for us, but the most important lesson I learned was to I could only skin my cat.
As I have mentioned before and wrote about for the Intervene site I find lifeboats invaluable. One of Mom and Dad's lifeboats is entertaining. One of our big events of the year is Fall Festival. Fall Festival was last weekend and if you want to see the pics you can find them here:
Fall Festival 2010
Our son is still doing wonderfully. He is working. Plus he is going to court for his stuff he committed in the past. I can't help but think that has to be hard. If you're clean and trying to fly straight and have to go and take care of past issues, must be discouraging but he doesn't complain and he always takes money with him to satisfy the judge and PO that he is taking care of his obligations.
I went and spoke to a group of parents last week. A parent expressed her happiness about her son had been clean 62 days. We all felt great for him and expressed our joy to her. But for myself that was exactly the topic I had recently been deliberating on concerning recovery, the "day count."
I am a very goal oriented person so I very well understand the nature of keeping track of progress and goals, Gant Charts are not considered foreign language for me. But as I focused on my son's "day count" which I really don't know, I begin to feel conflicted. What exactly is a day count. I have spent countless hours of trying to accept the way this disease works, the minute by minute struggle for an addict at times. But in recovery it becomes day count. I was ask in the meeting about my son. My response was that he was clean today. My attitude today is that his sobriety is his business and the most important day in the world to me is today.
Now I may be upsetting to some about that kind of attitude. I read about and hear from others about their day count and their anniversaries. Despite what I said, I honestly feel joy for them and their day count. The most important thing for anyone is, whatever works for you, works for you and I'm happy about that.
I'm not a NA or Anon 12 step person. I went to meetings but they did not work for me. I've done the counselor thing, but likewise I'm not a person that does the counseling thing. I'm not a church or prayer person. But I'm going to tell you I advocate for all of these things. The most important thing in all of this for a parent or an addict is "what works for you." And, if it ain't working find something that does.
Hope that doesn't sound conflicting to others but the old saying, "There is more than one way to skin a cat." Each of us must skin our cat our way. My trouble for quite a few years was that I was trying to skin my cat and his too. That doesn't work. Plus I was trying to skin my cat just the way everyone else was doing it and my cat isn't exactly like your cat, our cats may be similar but no two cats are exactly alike. Each of us must skin our cats the way best for us, but the most important lesson I learned was to I could only skin my cat.
As I have mentioned before and wrote about for the Intervene site I find lifeboats invaluable. One of Mom and Dad's lifeboats is entertaining. One of our big events of the year is Fall Festival. Fall Festival was last weekend and if you want to see the pics you can find them here:
Fall Festival 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
A Month for Boobies (o)(o)
How do you like that title? Spoken like a real man, right?
All of you ladies out there are sporting pink and making sure everyone knows what to do about getting that annual mammogram and doing self exams. 3 cheers for each of you.
Mom is very diligent about her awareness. HER SISTER IS A BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR!!! But sadly her mother and her aunts have all died from either breast cancer or ovarian cancer.
So, a message from all of us guys. Ladies, please do what you have to do to be aware and take care of yourself. Without those boobies we'd have to look you in the eyes when we talk to you.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Another Partnership Posting
The Partnership at Drugfree.org has published another one of my essays. Julie and Olivia at The Partnership sure have a way of making me look a lot better than real life. They added the pictures.
Lifeboats: Taking Care of Yourself During Your Child’s Drug Addiction
Lifeboats: Taking Care of Yourself During Your Child’s Drug Addiction
Speaking Tonight
I am speaking with a parent group tonight. If there any of you in the KC area that want to attend it is an open meeting and the talk is structured in an open format.
Church of the Resurrection
13720 Roe Ave.
Leawood, KS 66224
6:30 - 8:30 Room 217
Church of the Resurrection
13720 Roe Ave.
Leawood, KS 66224
6:30 - 8:30 Room 217
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Addiction Recovery Process for Loved Ones
I have been struggling with a whole new problem within myself as it relates to my son and his recovery efforts. What is the role of a loved one when an addict is working on their recovery?
Just like all of this when dealing with an addicted child, when you finally think you are getting a grasp on the new learning you have experienced; there in front of you is a whole new world that must be experienced and digested.
Enabling addiction is what we all seem to do in the beginning. Then as this disease progresses in our child we begin to learn that what we are doing is helping the disease to progress, so we struggle with changing our paradigm concerning addiction and the progression of this disease.
Now we are facing a new change, what is the role of parents to support recovery?
I’m a simple guy without a formal education so in my deliberations about everything concerning addiction I have to break down very complex issues dealing with this disease into simple examples as they related to the learning I have based on my personal experiences. (some of you have been exposed to my examples before.)
My son, just as I am sure many other recovering addicts have done has dug himself a very deep hole in which he stands at the bottom. When you are actively using I am sure the bottom of that hole may actually provide a measure of security and insulation. But after a profound experience an addict stares at the walls and the light that seems so far up. All of us are standing at the top staring down. What do we do to help?
Somebody at the bottom of a hole, I got lots of options to provide and assist a rescue. We can fly a helicopter over and lower a basket on a winch they can climb in and be lifted out. We can drop a long ladder slowly into the hole and they can climb out. We can throw a rope over the edge and they can pull themselves up and out. We can pitch a shovel into the hole and they can dig themselves out. And, I could just stand at the side of the hole and holler down, “Looks like you are in a world of shit, good luck.” And wash my hands of the whole mess.
I have helicopters, ladders, ropes and shovels and sometimes I can yell real well too. I’m sure each of these tools have a place in recovery but the struggle for me as a parent is; when you have all of these tools at your disposal, what tool do you use and when?
The dichotomy in all of this is most of the time the answer is we probably should do the minimum. But I am conditioned just as most people in our nation and society are conditioned to help those that are in trouble and need help. This involves helping people afflicted with diseases and even people in conditions in which they may even have had a hand in creating. For example; people were told to evacuate New Orleans before hurricane Katrina. Many people did not evacuate for a variety of reasons that made sense to them at the time. As a nation we flew in helicopters, provided food and housing and money, in the final analysis even our national efforts at help were woefully inadequate. During floods we provide help to people we do not know, but with a little effort it is easy to determine where flood plains are located and we all know not to live in a flood plain or drive into rushing water, right?
Speaking the truth from inside of me, what do I do? I am lucky, I have the resources to help him but what is the right thing to do in helping my son?
Just like all of this when dealing with an addicted child, when you finally think you are getting a grasp on the new learning you have experienced; there in front of you is a whole new world that must be experienced and digested.
Enabling addiction is what we all seem to do in the beginning. Then as this disease progresses in our child we begin to learn that what we are doing is helping the disease to progress, so we struggle with changing our paradigm concerning addiction and the progression of this disease.
Now we are facing a new change, what is the role of parents to support recovery?
I’m a simple guy without a formal education so in my deliberations about everything concerning addiction I have to break down very complex issues dealing with this disease into simple examples as they related to the learning I have based on my personal experiences. (some of you have been exposed to my examples before.)
My son, just as I am sure many other recovering addicts have done has dug himself a very deep hole in which he stands at the bottom. When you are actively using I am sure the bottom of that hole may actually provide a measure of security and insulation. But after a profound experience an addict stares at the walls and the light that seems so far up. All of us are standing at the top staring down. What do we do to help?
Somebody at the bottom of a hole, I got lots of options to provide and assist a rescue. We can fly a helicopter over and lower a basket on a winch they can climb in and be lifted out. We can drop a long ladder slowly into the hole and they can climb out. We can throw a rope over the edge and they can pull themselves up and out. We can pitch a shovel into the hole and they can dig themselves out. And, I could just stand at the side of the hole and holler down, “Looks like you are in a world of shit, good luck.” And wash my hands of the whole mess.
I have helicopters, ladders, ropes and shovels and sometimes I can yell real well too. I’m sure each of these tools have a place in recovery but the struggle for me as a parent is; when you have all of these tools at your disposal, what tool do you use and when?
The dichotomy in all of this is most of the time the answer is we probably should do the minimum. But I am conditioned just as most people in our nation and society are conditioned to help those that are in trouble and need help. This involves helping people afflicted with diseases and even people in conditions in which they may even have had a hand in creating. For example; people were told to evacuate New Orleans before hurricane Katrina. Many people did not evacuate for a variety of reasons that made sense to them at the time. As a nation we flew in helicopters, provided food and housing and money, in the final analysis even our national efforts at help were woefully inadequate. During floods we provide help to people we do not know, but with a little effort it is easy to determine where flood plains are located and we all know not to live in a flood plain or drive into rushing water, right?
Speaking the truth from inside of me, what do I do? I am lucky, I have the resources to help him but what is the right thing to do in helping my son?
Monday, October 4, 2010
Worldwide Problems with Drugs
Another mum from New Zealand writes about her son's addiction and their experiences with methadone treatment.
This truly is a worldwide scourge on society.
No2Methadone.A Sons Addiction
This truly is a worldwide scourge on society.
No2Methadone.A Sons Addiction
Friday, October 1, 2010
Rejoicing, One Moment and Event At A Time
I'm not a superstitious guy but deep inside I think most people get that fear of jinxing something good if you acknowledge it, I guess I can be counted as one of those people too. But sometimes we must live on the edge.
It is so nice to have my son in a place where we can sit down, enjoy a meal together and talk.
It is so nice not to look at my son and be afraid.
It is so nice to see my son smile without pinpoint pupils.
It is so nice to feel a level of trust in him to make decisions that creates honor for himself.
Enjoy today and rejoice. I have seen the possible. I believe in the future and I believe in my son.
Its seems so long ago but just like yesterday Monday, July 12, 2010 and Tuesday, July 13, 2010. Where there is life there is hope.
It is so nice to have my son in a place where we can sit down, enjoy a meal together and talk.
It is so nice not to look at my son and be afraid.
It is so nice to see my son smile without pinpoint pupils.
It is so nice to feel a level of trust in him to make decisions that creates honor for himself.
Enjoy today and rejoice. I have seen the possible. I believe in the future and I believe in my son.
Its seems so long ago but just like yesterday Monday, July 12, 2010 and Tuesday, July 13, 2010. Where there is life there is hope.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Observable Behaviors
I was going to leave a comment on my last post in a response to readers comments but then I began thinking this is too important for a comment so I am going to write about how "Dear Enabling Mom and Dad" made me feel.
When I first read that letter written by a mom trying to make sense of her addicted son's behaviors I was uncomfortable. In fact I just kind of scanned it, but something pulled me back, and again and again I read it and finally after about the fifth time the light came on for me. This make believe letter written by this mom is five years of my life dealing with my son. She nailed it all. She put into words what I was experiencing, the disconnect between what I wanted to believe and what was really happening.
I am going to try and explain how I got to this and maybe what has guided me to this point.
In my career I was once a internal and an external consultant on work system design. Designing how people work together and the systems that enable people to work.
Pause for a joke: Do you know what a pigeon and a consultant have in common? They both fly in, eat your food, shit all over you and then fly away.
Back to my point when I would begin a project I would usually get the management team together and ask, "Why are you doing this?" Invariably someone would get around to saying, "It's their attitude!" Speaking of plant workers. Then I would meet with the union reps and plant workers, the funny thing is the answers were the same, "It's the way they treat us and their attitude."
My response was always. Attitudes are problems you have with yourself. I can't deal with attitudes. If you expect me to change attitudes I QUIT. I only deal in observable behaviors. Give me observable behaviors and we can work on the conditions that create those behaviors but attitudes and beliefs belong to YOU not someone else.
The mom that wrote the make believe letter from her son to herself was dealing in observable behaviors and using her experiences to make sense of illogical behaviors in an illogical world. To not be an enabling parent you must deal with observable behaviors not "attitudes" and "why's". I spent many years trying to figure out the "why" of my son's addiction because I knew if I understood the why I could fix the problem. All the time I was enabling and working on the wrong thing, hell I wasn't even playing in the same park so how could I fix it.
When I read that letter I began to connect five years of my son's addiction and my enabling to exactly what she wrote.
My son would tell us how bad he wanted to stop using but within an hour his druggie buddies would show up at our door and he would leave with them.
We got our son checked into a rehab 40 miles from our home. On his fifth morning there we got a call from his counselor telling us he was getting kicked out for using. He had friends bring him oxycontin to him in the rehab. He was kicked out, but before the sun set that evening we had him in another rehab facility 350 miles away from our home. Our son met people in rehab and NA meetings that he eventually wound up doing drugs with and buying drugs from them.
We didn't kick him out because it was cold outside, even though we had threatened too.
He didn't work, couldn't get a job because he failed drug tests. So he did just stay at home and slept all day and used all night. We were afraid to go to bed with him up.
Mom told me several times she was afraid of our son and his friends. She was afraid he or his friends may hurt us if we got between his drugs and him.
There is a hole in the wall in the stairwell going down to the basement. Our son did not punch that hole in the wall, I did. I was so angry because I had just discovered he had stolen several of my woodworking tools to sell and pawn to buy drugs. I have NOT patched that hole even though I could do it in 30 minutes. This hole is a physical reminder to ME that I must be in control of ME. However, there are spoon soot stains on the carpet and walls of his old bedroom that we tried our damnest to get rid of every time we found them.
Despite all of these observable behaviors we continued to work on the wrong thing, him. Despite all of my training and consulting I enabled and tried to fix his attitude and worried about the why.
The mom that wrote that letter from her son's perspective found a way to look at the observable behaviors and then she is able to deal with the real problem. For me her method was genius. Harsh but genius.
Finally, to the addicts and alcoholics that commented about she was so wrong in what she said the addict thinks. I respect your comments, I believe you still love your parents all through your using and do not think of them as suckers. There is nothing more important than hearing from those that are able to articulate what it is like suffering from the disease. But just as we struggle with you and the effects of your dependency on drugs or alcohol you need to look at the effect your disease has on us parents. It's called unconditional love and with that sometimes we suffer incalculable pain. This is a mom releasing some of the pain.
Especially to the addicts and alcoholics that suffer with this disease and exhibit the behaviors that cause us parents to get to the point of writing something like this make believe letter. We do love you. We will always love you, you don't have to worry about that. That love is what ensures the survival of our species and of us personally. The thing you must worry the most about is when your parents stop believing in you.
When I first read that letter written by a mom trying to make sense of her addicted son's behaviors I was uncomfortable. In fact I just kind of scanned it, but something pulled me back, and again and again I read it and finally after about the fifth time the light came on for me. This make believe letter written by this mom is five years of my life dealing with my son. She nailed it all. She put into words what I was experiencing, the disconnect between what I wanted to believe and what was really happening.
I am going to try and explain how I got to this and maybe what has guided me to this point.
In my career I was once a internal and an external consultant on work system design. Designing how people work together and the systems that enable people to work.
Pause for a joke: Do you know what a pigeon and a consultant have in common? They both fly in, eat your food, shit all over you and then fly away.
Back to my point when I would begin a project I would usually get the management team together and ask, "Why are you doing this?" Invariably someone would get around to saying, "It's their attitude!" Speaking of plant workers. Then I would meet with the union reps and plant workers, the funny thing is the answers were the same, "It's the way they treat us and their attitude."
My response was always. Attitudes are problems you have with yourself. I can't deal with attitudes. If you expect me to change attitudes I QUIT. I only deal in observable behaviors. Give me observable behaviors and we can work on the conditions that create those behaviors but attitudes and beliefs belong to YOU not someone else.
The mom that wrote the make believe letter from her son to herself was dealing in observable behaviors and using her experiences to make sense of illogical behaviors in an illogical world. To not be an enabling parent you must deal with observable behaviors not "attitudes" and "why's". I spent many years trying to figure out the "why" of my son's addiction because I knew if I understood the why I could fix the problem. All the time I was enabling and working on the wrong thing, hell I wasn't even playing in the same park so how could I fix it.
When I read that letter I began to connect five years of my son's addiction and my enabling to exactly what she wrote.
My son would tell us how bad he wanted to stop using but within an hour his druggie buddies would show up at our door and he would leave with them.
We got our son checked into a rehab 40 miles from our home. On his fifth morning there we got a call from his counselor telling us he was getting kicked out for using. He had friends bring him oxycontin to him in the rehab. He was kicked out, but before the sun set that evening we had him in another rehab facility 350 miles away from our home. Our son met people in rehab and NA meetings that he eventually wound up doing drugs with and buying drugs from them.
We didn't kick him out because it was cold outside, even though we had threatened too.
He didn't work, couldn't get a job because he failed drug tests. So he did just stay at home and slept all day and used all night. We were afraid to go to bed with him up.
Mom told me several times she was afraid of our son and his friends. She was afraid he or his friends may hurt us if we got between his drugs and him.
Our son was the boss of our life. We did things we would have never done because of his addiction and drugs.
There is a hole in the wall in the stairwell going down to the basement. Our son did not punch that hole in the wall, I did. I was so angry because I had just discovered he had stolen several of my woodworking tools to sell and pawn to buy drugs. I have NOT patched that hole even though I could do it in 30 minutes. This hole is a physical reminder to ME that I must be in control of ME. However, there are spoon soot stains on the carpet and walls of his old bedroom that we tried our damnest to get rid of every time we found them.
Despite all of these observable behaviors we continued to work on the wrong thing, him. Despite all of my training and consulting I enabled and tried to fix his attitude and worried about the why.
The mom that wrote that letter from her son's perspective found a way to look at the observable behaviors and then she is able to deal with the real problem. For me her method was genius. Harsh but genius.
Finally, to the addicts and alcoholics that commented about she was so wrong in what she said the addict thinks. I respect your comments, I believe you still love your parents all through your using and do not think of them as suckers. There is nothing more important than hearing from those that are able to articulate what it is like suffering from the disease. But just as we struggle with you and the effects of your dependency on drugs or alcohol you need to look at the effect your disease has on us parents. It's called unconditional love and with that sometimes we suffer incalculable pain. This is a mom releasing some of the pain.
Especially to the addicts and alcoholics that suffer with this disease and exhibit the behaviors that cause us parents to get to the point of writing something like this make believe letter. We do love you. We will always love you, you don't have to worry about that. That love is what ensures the survival of our species and of us personally. The thing you must worry the most about is when your parents stop believing in you.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Dear Enabling Mom and Dad
I found this jewel of a post on another site I visit, written by LitlGrADuck. She graciously allowed me to repost it here for everyone to read
This is what one mother believes her son would write if he could only be honest and truthful with himself and others about his using and his relationship with his parents.
The orginal post can be found at: http://www.eons.com/groups/topic/2276457-Dear-Enabling-Mom-and-Dad
Dear Enabling Mom and Dad
Dare I write the following ?
I will risk it.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I really didn't want to try very hard in detox, rehab. Heck, I already knew that I wasn't serious about it. That's why I was still using while I was there. And I knew I could count on you to bail me out. See? I got you coming and going. I got you to call more of those jerk off places you wanted me to go to.
So, ok, I admit I get so f**king high that sometimes I freak out. It scares me, and I feel like I want to get off this ride, and I tell you I want to get clean. What I really want is to come down off the bad tripping, that's all. Get back on a good high.
I guess if I have to go to some stupid treatment center, since I don't have to pay for it, I can deal with that.
I can make some good connections for later if I want to. I can see the people in there that are playing the same game I am. Just killing time, watching tv, taking some really trippin drugs, got some cool nurses to look at, and I can really work that Dr. What a idiot that one is. They believe anything you tell them.
Geez, I know I can get you to do anything for me, if I play you right. Oh, and summer is winding down. The cooler temps will get you to do more for me. Jeez, you are such a chump. But you are my chump. Glad I have you wrapped around my little finger. So, I gotta sit here and work on the next step in my plan. I gotta make it sound real good, so you will believe me. Yep, gotta sit here and think, while you do all my work for me. God, life is sooooooooooooo good.
Anyway, you are just a means to an end. Yeah, I tell you I love you, but right now, I love the high I get a whole lot more.
So, this rehab thing is no big deal. I can always do it again, play the game, anytime I feel like it. I know how to get in and I know how to get out.
Guess what Mom, Dad? I ain't ready to quit yet. It's too easy to stay this way. Don't need to work at some chump job, don't have to wake up at 6 am. I can eat what I want, when I want, I don't have to answer to nobody but me. And you will never understand how good I feel about myself when I am flying high. There's nothing like it. I just can't understand why you would want me to stop feeling on top of the world.
And you know how you worry all the time about my health? My health is super. No matter what messes up, I can get another bombshell high on and nothing hurts. Nothing bothers me.
Ok, so maybe I don't have a home, or a car. Those are just part of what society demands and I don't take demands from nobody. Maybe I just have a piece of cardboard to sleep on, but you know what? Me and my cardboard have been together on some major trips. You can keep your soft bed, warm house, all those damn rules.
See, my cardboard and I have a really strong relationship. No rules with it, keeps me off the ground. I don't see what the problem is with you. Nag, nag, nag, no high being around you. That is a total bummer and it sucks big time. Not interested in your straight and narrow crap. Sometimes your nagging at me makes me so angry I want to punch your face out. Ok, so instead I punch holes in the walls. No sweat, you don't like the holes, you fix them. You just better be thankful I didn't go for your face this time. Just so you know, if you push me too far, when I am on an all-time-high, and you try crashing me down? it can be your face. Just so you know who is the boss around here.
But I know you'd call the cops, and I don't need that number, so I will just work around you until you leave the house. See, I've been watching where you put things. Remember when I was a kid, and I put something down, and couldn't find it and later, you told me where it was? Yeah, you watched my every move then, and turn around is fair play. I watch what you do, what you have, where you put it, and when I need my beautiful highs, I claim your sh*t. Finder's keepers, and all that. Losers weepers. Well, just cry me a river. I don't feel anymore, that's why I don't care!
Wow, why am I thinking all this crap? I never used to be like this. I had a great family, a car, a best friend, loved sports and art, kept myself in great shape, and all that sh*t, and now look at me? I have nothing. Ok, ok, this is not a good way to think. This is going to get me really bombed out if I don't stop it. I know, where's that last hit? Ah, there it is. Yeah, that's more like it. What was I thinking about before?
Oh, yeah.
Thanks Mom and Dad. I knew I could count on you. Suckers!
P.S.If I do ever decide to come off the dope, it will be MY DECISION, not YOURS. You can't make me feel guilty enough to stop. You don't have that power.When I am ready, if I ever am, I don't want your help. I will want to do it without you holding my hand like a baby. I ain't your baby anymore. I wish you would wake up and learn that. Geez, maybe I would get off it if you didn't keep me such a cripple.
Yeah, that sounds like a good future plan to tuck back for later. I will make my own way, do all the work myself, and show myself that I am someone good, someone strong, that I can overcome anything. Well, let me think on that some more.
This is what one mother believes her son would write if he could only be honest and truthful with himself and others about his using and his relationship with his parents.
The orginal post can be found at: http://www.eons.com/groups/topic/2276457-Dear-Enabling-Mom-and-Dad
Dear Enabling Mom and Dad
Dare I write the following ?
I will risk it.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I really didn't want to try very hard in detox, rehab. Heck, I already knew that I wasn't serious about it. That's why I was still using while I was there. And I knew I could count on you to bail me out. See? I got you coming and going. I got you to call more of those jerk off places you wanted me to go to.
So, ok, I admit I get so f**king high that sometimes I freak out. It scares me, and I feel like I want to get off this ride, and I tell you I want to get clean. What I really want is to come down off the bad tripping, that's all. Get back on a good high.
I guess if I have to go to some stupid treatment center, since I don't have to pay for it, I can deal with that.
I can make some good connections for later if I want to. I can see the people in there that are playing the same game I am. Just killing time, watching tv, taking some really trippin drugs, got some cool nurses to look at, and I can really work that Dr. What a idiot that one is. They believe anything you tell them.
Geez, I know I can get you to do anything for me, if I play you right. Oh, and summer is winding down. The cooler temps will get you to do more for me. Jeez, you are such a chump. But you are my chump. Glad I have you wrapped around my little finger. So, I gotta sit here and work on the next step in my plan. I gotta make it sound real good, so you will believe me. Yep, gotta sit here and think, while you do all my work for me. God, life is sooooooooooooo good.
Anyway, you are just a means to an end. Yeah, I tell you I love you, but right now, I love the high I get a whole lot more.
So, this rehab thing is no big deal. I can always do it again, play the game, anytime I feel like it. I know how to get in and I know how to get out.
Guess what Mom, Dad? I ain't ready to quit yet. It's too easy to stay this way. Don't need to work at some chump job, don't have to wake up at 6 am. I can eat what I want, when I want, I don't have to answer to nobody but me. And you will never understand how good I feel about myself when I am flying high. There's nothing like it. I just can't understand why you would want me to stop feeling on top of the world.
And you know how you worry all the time about my health? My health is super. No matter what messes up, I can get another bombshell high on and nothing hurts. Nothing bothers me.
Ok, so maybe I don't have a home, or a car. Those are just part of what society demands and I don't take demands from nobody. Maybe I just have a piece of cardboard to sleep on, but you know what? Me and my cardboard have been together on some major trips. You can keep your soft bed, warm house, all those damn rules.
See, my cardboard and I have a really strong relationship. No rules with it, keeps me off the ground. I don't see what the problem is with you. Nag, nag, nag, no high being around you. That is a total bummer and it sucks big time. Not interested in your straight and narrow crap. Sometimes your nagging at me makes me so angry I want to punch your face out. Ok, so instead I punch holes in the walls. No sweat, you don't like the holes, you fix them. You just better be thankful I didn't go for your face this time. Just so you know, if you push me too far, when I am on an all-time-high, and you try crashing me down? it can be your face. Just so you know who is the boss around here.
But I know you'd call the cops, and I don't need that number, so I will just work around you until you leave the house. See, I've been watching where you put things. Remember when I was a kid, and I put something down, and couldn't find it and later, you told me where it was? Yeah, you watched my every move then, and turn around is fair play. I watch what you do, what you have, where you put it, and when I need my beautiful highs, I claim your sh*t. Finder's keepers, and all that. Losers weepers. Well, just cry me a river. I don't feel anymore, that's why I don't care!
Wow, why am I thinking all this crap? I never used to be like this. I had a great family, a car, a best friend, loved sports and art, kept myself in great shape, and all that sh*t, and now look at me? I have nothing. Ok, ok, this is not a good way to think. This is going to get me really bombed out if I don't stop it. I know, where's that last hit? Ah, there it is. Yeah, that's more like it. What was I thinking about before?
Oh, yeah.
Thanks Mom and Dad. I knew I could count on you. Suckers!
P.S.If I do ever decide to come off the dope, it will be MY DECISION, not YOURS. You can't make me feel guilty enough to stop. You don't have that power.When I am ready, if I ever am, I don't want your help. I will want to do it without you holding my hand like a baby. I ain't your baby anymore. I wish you would wake up and learn that. Geez, maybe I would get off it if you didn't keep me such a cripple.
Yeah, that sounds like a good future plan to tuck back for later. I will make my own way, do all the work myself, and show myself that I am someone good, someone strong, that I can overcome anything. Well, let me think on that some more.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Inspiring E-mails
In addition to posting comments publicly many people e-mail us directly because I have our e-mail address posted on the blog. I am grateful for the help and advice no matter if it is publicly posted or privately e-mailed.
I received an e-mail the other day that is an inspiration to us and I thought it might be good for everyone else too. The author has granted me permission to post it, I hope it helps you too.
You and Mom are probably aware I lived with the depravity that is heroin (or crack or meth or vodka or MadDog) addiction for almost 12 years. We all have our war stories, so I won't go into the stomach turning details of homelessness, overdoses, prison visits, late night drama, ER crisis's, suicide threats, and stolen family heirlooms.
The reason I'm commenting is that at about 7 years into the heroin addiction of our son, his father and I broke down together. We held each other and cried together for a long time.
We were out of rehab money, out of excuses, and out of hope. When we were cried out that day, his father and I made a pact with each other.
From now on, we would decide together what was right for our family. It was a very real possibility our son would die. We asked ourselves-- if we were standing over our son's coffin right now, what would matter to us.
Would it be the opinion of an internet stranger? How about the expert advice of addiction professionals (who BTW can boast a 8-12% success rate--WTF!)? The judgment of other family members? Well meaning, and not so well meaning strangers?
We realized we would have to live with the decision of taking that phone call or not. Making that 5 hour drive to the prison once a month or not. Telling our son we loved him even when we knew he was high or not. Putting flowers on his grave or not. IT WAS OUR EYES we would have to meet in the mirror. Sometimes that meant taking a hard stand, other times it meant driving downtown to hand him a McDonalds meal on the street. Or giving that McDonalds meal to someone else's kid if we could not find him.
We decided to be confident and united in our actions, and with no regrets however it played out.
Dad, I have seen you humbled since you started this blog. You started out, as we all did, angry and helpless. You didn't understand you had come up against something you could not reason out. But your writing shows me you are starting to get it-- You are becoming more compassionate and forgiving. You are beginning to accept your son for who he is, not who you envisioned he would be. You are more grateful for the many blessing in your life. These things are the upside of being brought to one's knees.
What I'm trying to say is don't let internet strangers bully you. Don't listen to addiction "professionals" who would pass judgment on a case they hear second hand, without knowing the client. (That borders on unethical..they should have their licenses pulled!) Keep reading, keep an open mind, stay teachable.
And don't let anyone tell you no one beats heroin. This mom knows better. My son had the spiritual awakening; he's changed on the inside. But it wasn't anything I did or didn't do.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—" (Ephesians 2:8)
May God's grace rain down on Alex.
Love, Lou
The reason I'm commenting is that at about 7 years into the heroin addiction of our son, his father and I broke down together. We held each other and cried together for a long time.
We were out of rehab money, out of excuses, and out of hope. When we were cried out that day, his father and I made a pact with each other.
From now on, we would decide together what was right for our family. It was a very real possibility our son would die. We asked ourselves-- if we were standing over our son's coffin right now, what would matter to us.
Would it be the opinion of an internet stranger? How about the expert advice of addiction professionals (who BTW can boast a 8-12% success rate--WTF!)? The judgment of other family members? Well meaning, and not so well meaning strangers?
We realized we would have to live with the decision of taking that phone call or not. Making that 5 hour drive to the prison once a month or not. Telling our son we loved him even when we knew he was high or not. Putting flowers on his grave or not. IT WAS OUR EYES we would have to meet in the mirror. Sometimes that meant taking a hard stand, other times it meant driving downtown to hand him a McDonalds meal on the street. Or giving that McDonalds meal to someone else's kid if we could not find him.
We decided to be confident and united in our actions, and with no regrets however it played out.
Dad, I have seen you humbled since you started this blog. You started out, as we all did, angry and helpless. You didn't understand you had come up against something you could not reason out. But your writing shows me you are starting to get it-- You are becoming more compassionate and forgiving. You are beginning to accept your son for who he is, not who you envisioned he would be. You are more grateful for the many blessing in your life. These things are the upside of being brought to one's knees.
What I'm trying to say is don't let internet strangers bully you. Don't listen to addiction "professionals" who would pass judgment on a case they hear second hand, without knowing the client. (That borders on unethical..they should have their licenses pulled!) Keep reading, keep an open mind, stay teachable.
And don't let anyone tell you no one beats heroin. This mom knows better. My son had the spiritual awakening; he's changed on the inside. But it wasn't anything I did or didn't do.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—" (Ephesians 2:8)
May God's grace rain down on Alex.
Love, Lou
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Addiction and Death
I don't want to bring people down with this post but it is horrific in its reality. It is something a parent of an addict lives with every day. I hope this reminds everyone to celebrate each day with your child, addiction or not.
Another blogger I read wrote about the sheriffs daughter that was found dead in a storage locker. Her body had been placed there by a guy that had been doing drugs with her and she overdosed and died. He panicked and hid the body. This reminded me of how close to death every addict is each day of their using.
One night about midnight the phone rang. It was the emergency room of a hospital. The woman on the other end of the phone ask us if we had a son in his late teens, dark brown hair, about 5'9?
Our response was yes but he is away at college 125 miles from here.
She said this young male had no identification on him but they found a book of checks with our name and number on them. She said if we thought this could be our son we should come to the hospital immediately, he is unconscious and not breathing.
Needless to say we made a hasty trip to the hospital 20 miles away.
It was our son, he and a couple of his "buddies" came back to KC area to score some stuff. At this time he was doing Fentenyl. In the car he did a patch under his tongue and was eating beef jerky at the same time. This caused his throat muscles to stop swallowing. He was choking. The story is they just happened to be driving by the hospital. By this time our son was unconscious and not breathing in the back seat of the car. His buddies pulled up to the door of the emergency room and the security guard saw them roll someone out onto the side walk and jump back into the car and speed away. When he went outside to check, our son was unconscious and still not breathing. The ER people cleared his airway and got him to breathing again. They did not know what he had done so they gave him a shot of Narcan. By the time we got there he was conscious and breathing again.
Another time our son complained of his arms hurting. Our daughter is a nurse and by the time he was complaining terribly and she came and looked at them she said take him to the ER immediately. He had not gone to the doctor because he had no insurance and the doctor would immediately know he was shooting up.
I took him to the ER and they immediately admitted him into the hospital. That night they performed surgery on both of his arms to remove the infected tissue and muscle. He had contracted a staph infection in both arms from not shooting up properly, not cleaning his skin with alcohol wipes before injecting. He spent 15 days in the hospital. After a couple days I went down to the ER doc that treated him to personally thank him. He responded by telling me that when he saw him in the ER he personally felt our son had less than a 50/50 chance to live due to the possibly of that infection already traveling up his arms to his heart. He said he was glad to hear the news that he was alive.
When he was released from the hospital our daughter taught him how to properly shoot up and why swabbing the area with alcohol was so important.
I'm sure many of you with kids actively using are wondering, WHY IS HE WRITING THIS!!!???
Every day of life is a day to hope for a change. We all know you cannot build your life on hope for their recovery but hope and love sustains you and you don't know how much it can help your child in ways we do not understand.
I am sure each of your have similar stories you can write and if it helps please do write. Writing the story may help all of us to see how lucky we all are instead of how bad it is.
It is scary to think how close to death our children are when they are using. We get our days one day at a time, sometimes minute by minute. Try not to spend them in sorrow and anger about their addiction. Our addicts don't care how you are living your life, so you must live your life for you, otherwise the drugs will claim two people.
Another blogger I read wrote about the sheriffs daughter that was found dead in a storage locker. Her body had been placed there by a guy that had been doing drugs with her and she overdosed and died. He panicked and hid the body. This reminded me of how close to death every addict is each day of their using.
One night about midnight the phone rang. It was the emergency room of a hospital. The woman on the other end of the phone ask us if we had a son in his late teens, dark brown hair, about 5'9?
Our response was yes but he is away at college 125 miles from here.
She said this young male had no identification on him but they found a book of checks with our name and number on them. She said if we thought this could be our son we should come to the hospital immediately, he is unconscious and not breathing.
Needless to say we made a hasty trip to the hospital 20 miles away.
It was our son, he and a couple of his "buddies" came back to KC area to score some stuff. At this time he was doing Fentenyl. In the car he did a patch under his tongue and was eating beef jerky at the same time. This caused his throat muscles to stop swallowing. He was choking. The story is they just happened to be driving by the hospital. By this time our son was unconscious and not breathing in the back seat of the car. His buddies pulled up to the door of the emergency room and the security guard saw them roll someone out onto the side walk and jump back into the car and speed away. When he went outside to check, our son was unconscious and still not breathing. The ER people cleared his airway and got him to breathing again. They did not know what he had done so they gave him a shot of Narcan. By the time we got there he was conscious and breathing again.
Another time our son complained of his arms hurting. Our daughter is a nurse and by the time he was complaining terribly and she came and looked at them she said take him to the ER immediately. He had not gone to the doctor because he had no insurance and the doctor would immediately know he was shooting up.
I took him to the ER and they immediately admitted him into the hospital. That night they performed surgery on both of his arms to remove the infected tissue and muscle. He had contracted a staph infection in both arms from not shooting up properly, not cleaning his skin with alcohol wipes before injecting. He spent 15 days in the hospital. After a couple days I went down to the ER doc that treated him to personally thank him. He responded by telling me that when he saw him in the ER he personally felt our son had less than a 50/50 chance to live due to the possibly of that infection already traveling up his arms to his heart. He said he was glad to hear the news that he was alive.
When he was released from the hospital our daughter taught him how to properly shoot up and why swabbing the area with alcohol was so important.
I'm sure many of you with kids actively using are wondering, WHY IS HE WRITING THIS!!!???
Every day of life is a day to hope for a change. We all know you cannot build your life on hope for their recovery but hope and love sustains you and you don't know how much it can help your child in ways we do not understand.
I am sure each of your have similar stories you can write and if it helps please do write. Writing the story may help all of us to see how lucky we all are instead of how bad it is.
It is scary to think how close to death our children are when they are using. We get our days one day at a time, sometimes minute by minute. Try not to spend them in sorrow and anger about their addiction. Our addicts don't care how you are living your life, so you must live your life for you, otherwise the drugs will claim two people.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
A Good Post To Read
I just read a post by a fellow blogger writing about himself and the addiction of his son. This is a post EVERY father should read no matter how deep you are into this nightmare of addiction. Thank you VJ
(mom's it may be good for you too)
Parent 2 Parent -- My Truth Be Told
(mom's it may be good for you too)
Parent 2 Parent -- My Truth Be Told
Friday, September 17, 2010
Fall Festival
It is that time of year again when we host our annual Fall Festival. If you are a reader and live in the KC area or close enough that you would like to attend send me your e-mail and I will forward the information plus the scavenger hunt list and kid games agenda. We love making new friends.
Here is a link to some pictures from the last 3 years. This is our 8th annual festival.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/15120866@N05/collections/72157621181385198/
Here is a link to some pictures from the last 3 years. This is our 8th annual festival.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/15120866@N05/collections/72157621181385198/
Speaking Engagement
I will be speaking again to a parent group on Oct. 11 at The Church of the Resurrection, 13720 Roe Ave. Leawood, KS 66224. If you are in an area close and want to come send me an e-mail and I will forward you additional information.
In addition I have been ask again to speak to a student group at a high school but we have not yet finalized the dates.
If you know others, parents or students that would like to hear our story I would be happy to speak with you about talking to a group.
In addition I have been ask again to speak to a student group at a high school but we have not yet finalized the dates.
If you know others, parents or students that would like to hear our story I would be happy to speak with you about talking to a group.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Cautious Update
It's back home and to work and now its time to begin looking forward to the next vacation. LOL It's getting close to Fall Festival time so we are beginning to work on that event.
Maybe it was a fools confidence or just a odd belief inside but this was the first vacation in several years that we were not concerned with coming home to a empty or destroyed house or worried about getting a call that our son had overdosed and died. We had gotten use to, I'm in jail calls, they didn't affect us any more.
I am not a superstitious person but I almost hate to talk about how he is doing in fear of jinxing his progress. He has a job, don't know how long it will last it is dependent upon the company's production and orders. He spoke to his mom and I when we got home about budgeting, he brought up the subject. He has formulated a budget for his check, ON PAPER.
He ask us about going back to school. He has become aware both of his sisters are in school, his girlfriend is in school to become a nurse and 3 out of 4 first cousins are working on their BA or MA. He said to us,"Everyone is moving forward and leaving me behind, I don't want to be left behind. What would it take for me to go back to school." Our response was, "Son, if you want it bad enough you will figure that out and make it happen."
We have been taking him and his girlfriend out to dinner with us on Friday Date Night. It is really great to actually have conversations with him and her. We have noticed there is a sharpness in his wit returning and his voice does not have the druggie sound, you all know that that sound. He seems to enjoy being around family now. Mom and dad know it may take a little while before some in the family accepts him and we reminded him that it takes the two "P's", patience and persistence.
Even with all of this good news there is one thing I have learned in this process. Accept today and its happiness, tomorrow is a long way off.
Maybe it was a fools confidence or just a odd belief inside but this was the first vacation in several years that we were not concerned with coming home to a empty or destroyed house or worried about getting a call that our son had overdosed and died. We had gotten use to, I'm in jail calls, they didn't affect us any more.
I am not a superstitious person but I almost hate to talk about how he is doing in fear of jinxing his progress. He has a job, don't know how long it will last it is dependent upon the company's production and orders. He spoke to his mom and I when we got home about budgeting, he brought up the subject. He has formulated a budget for his check, ON PAPER.
He ask us about going back to school. He has become aware both of his sisters are in school, his girlfriend is in school to become a nurse and 3 out of 4 first cousins are working on their BA or MA. He said to us,"Everyone is moving forward and leaving me behind, I don't want to be left behind. What would it take for me to go back to school." Our response was, "Son, if you want it bad enough you will figure that out and make it happen."
We have been taking him and his girlfriend out to dinner with us on Friday Date Night. It is really great to actually have conversations with him and her. We have noticed there is a sharpness in his wit returning and his voice does not have the druggie sound, you all know that that sound. He seems to enjoy being around family now. Mom and dad know it may take a little while before some in the family accepts him and we reminded him that it takes the two "P's", patience and persistence.
Even with all of this good news there is one thing I have learned in this process. Accept today and its happiness, tomorrow is a long way off.
Monday, September 13, 2010
WOW!!! Vacation Over. Catch Up Time.
For over a week we have been on vacation and I barely scanned blogs one evening. It's going to take quite a while to catch up with you all.
Thank You All
A couple months after I began writing this blog someone told me I should put a "hit counter" on the blog. For those that have been to the very bottom of the page you can see the hit count. While we were on vacation the counter registered over 100,000 hits. AMAZING! That's over 100,000 times that someone came to this blog to help us or seek help. There are no words big enough to express our gratitude for the help and advice that has been provided to Dad and Mom. Thank You is all I can say, we are eternally grateful.
Our vacation was a motorcycle trip back east. It involved riding the Blue Ridge Parkway from southern NC to northern VA. A visit to Washington DC, someplace neither of us had explored. And last but not least a trip to Gettysburg, PA. Plus many sites and deversions along the way.
I'm going to post a couple pictures on here but if you want to see them all they can be found at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/15120866@N05/sets/72157624822564411/
Lunch with my sweetheart on the Blue Ridge Parkway
The obligatory photos in front. I think there is a DC law that mandates everyone takes these pictures. ;-) We visited so much in DC and when you think about what all of these places and what the memorials mean it really grabs a hold of your gut.
Gettysburg, PA (this was much more impressive than I imagined)
It is hard to describe the emotion of this place. Think of the men and boys that fought at this site. It is hard to even imagine the fear, the bravery and the courage it took to be in these battles. All of us should give thanks to these men and women and bow our head to them, from President Lincoln all the way down to the infantryman.
Thank You All
A couple months after I began writing this blog someone told me I should put a "hit counter" on the blog. For those that have been to the very bottom of the page you can see the hit count. While we were on vacation the counter registered over 100,000 hits. AMAZING! That's over 100,000 times that someone came to this blog to help us or seek help. There are no words big enough to express our gratitude for the help and advice that has been provided to Dad and Mom. Thank You is all I can say, we are eternally grateful.
Our vacation was a motorcycle trip back east. It involved riding the Blue Ridge Parkway from southern NC to northern VA. A visit to Washington DC, someplace neither of us had explored. And last but not least a trip to Gettysburg, PA. Plus many sites and deversions along the way.
I'm going to post a couple pictures on here but if you want to see them all they can be found at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/15120866@N05/sets/72157624822564411/
Lunch with my sweetheart on the Blue Ridge Parkway
The Blue ridge Parkway is over 400 miles of twisting, turning, up and down scenic riding. We stopped and had a cheese and fruit lunch along the side of the road overlooking miles of the Smokey Mountains. This is common, impromptu picnics are an obvious pleasure along The Parkway. This is a must ride for any biker, one thing to check off my Bucket List. Our ride is the big red one in the background.
The White House and Lincoln Memorial
The obligatory photos in front. I think there is a DC law that mandates everyone takes these pictures. ;-) We visited so much in DC and when you think about what all of these places and what the memorials mean it really grabs a hold of your gut.Gettysburg, PA (this was much more impressive than I imagined)
It is hard to describe the emotion of this place. Think of the men and boys that fought at this site. It is hard to even imagine the fear, the bravery and the courage it took to be in these battles. All of us should give thanks to these men and women and bow our head to them, from President Lincoln all the way down to the infantryman.
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