Monday, October 18, 2010

Whatever Works For You

What a great week we have had with everything going on here at our place. At the end I will post a link to the Fall Festival pictures.

Our son is still doing wonderfully. He is working. Plus he is going to court for his stuff he committed in the past. I can't help but think that has to be hard. If you're clean and trying to fly straight and have to go and take care of past issues, must be discouraging but he doesn't complain and he always takes money with him to satisfy the judge and PO that he is taking care of his obligations.

I went and spoke to a group of parents last week. A parent expressed her happiness about her son had been clean 62 days. We all felt great for him and expressed our joy to her. But for myself that was exactly the topic I had recently been deliberating on concerning recovery, the "day count."

I am a very goal oriented person so I very well understand the nature of keeping track of progress and goals, Gant Charts are not considered foreign language for me. But as I focused on my son's "day count" which I really don't know, I begin to feel conflicted. What exactly is a day count. I have spent countless hours of trying to accept the way this disease works, the minute by minute struggle for an addict at times. But in recovery it becomes day count. I was ask in the meeting about my son. My response was that he was clean today. My attitude today is that his sobriety is his business and the most important day in the world to me is today.

Now I may be upsetting to some about that kind of attitude. I read about and hear from others about their day count and their anniversaries. Despite what I said, I honestly feel joy for them and their day count. The most important thing for anyone is, whatever works for you, works for you and I'm happy about that.

I'm not a NA or Anon 12 step person. I went to meetings but they did not work for me. I've done the counselor thing, but likewise I'm not a person that does the counseling thing. I'm not a church or prayer person. But I'm going to tell you I advocate for all of these things. The most important thing in all of this for a parent or an addict is "what works for you." And, if it ain't working find something that does.

Hope that doesn't sound conflicting to others but the old saying, "There is more than one way to skin a cat." Each of us must skin our cat our way. My trouble for quite a few years was that I was trying to skin my cat and his too. That doesn't work. Plus I was trying to skin my cat just the way everyone else was doing it and my cat isn't exactly like your cat, our cats may be similar but no two cats are exactly alike. Each of us must skin our cats the way best for us, but the most important lesson I learned was to I could only skin my cat.

As I have mentioned before and wrote about for the Intervene site I find lifeboats invaluable. One of Mom and Dad's lifeboats is entertaining. One of our big events of the year is Fall Festival. Fall Festival was last weekend and if you want to see the pics you can find them here:

Fall Festival 2010


BMelonsLemonade said...

I totally agree with you, on this entire post! I am sometimes reluctant to say that NA did not work for me because my drug counselors would have my hide. I went to meetings over a year, and I kept a notebook about things I liked and didn't like. At the end of the year, I looked back and could honestly say it did not work for me. For an addict, it is important to give NA a chance because even if it is not for learn something about yourself. I am also not into traditional prayer, but it has helped a whole lot of addicts and their families. Again, whatever works...because that is all any of really care about. (the end result...) As for the day count, I could never count the beginning counting days was hazy because I would still drink. I had to learn those lessons as well, and at that point was I one day clean, or a year and however many days...big difference really. I have been clean for over four and a half years. It is probably closer to five. I do not count days or anniverseries. Whatever works...

Barbara said...

I agree too!! I used to be really into the day count for my son. Now I just have a generalized idea.

I thoroughly enjoyed your Fall Fest pics! What a wonderful, fun event that brings so many people (and dogs!) together for a great time. Way to go Dad and Mom!

Syd said...

It is whatever works for each person. But what you said about having this day be important, is also what I have learned in Al-Anon. This day is the only one that I have. And I have also learned that I can't make someone else do what I want, be goal oriented or solve their problems. I think that you picked some good points from those meetings you attended.

yaya said...

The only day that counts is Today.

When people ask about my son, I usually reply "he's clean today". (he's been in recovery for about 3 years)But it's only today that matters. As for my daughter, "she's using today".

And as for me "Today is a present and I'm going to unwrap it slowly and enjoy every minute of it."

Her Big Sad said...

I agree about the day counts. The day that matters the most, is today! (not that I'm not right there clapping, if she invites me to be, when she takes a year chip!, but yes, today is what counts!) And if that is the focus every single day.... one day at a time.... the 'one day at a times' ADD UP!

Also, your cat analogy is great! (Your analogies are always great!) What works for our family may not be what works for yours, etc. When you take into account the individual needs of the cat, in my case my cat has mental illness, sometimes what works is something that might be enabling a regular cat. This is what has us thinking thinky thoughts these days.

Love what YaYa said.... I feel the same way about each new day! I'm going to enjoy every minute possible and I'm going to remember that even the bad minutes will eventually give way to good ones.

Loved your pictures! What a fun event!

Anonymous said...

My count has to do with me and is my business. My daughter's count has to do with her and is hers.
That's the way I look at it. As for the cat, well, as long as the darn thing gets skinned right?!

mumofaddict said...

Addicts only ever live one day at a time, and it's exactly the same when they are in recovery, one day at a time. Parents of addicts soon learn to live by that same motto in life, one day at a time. Today's good, and maybe tomorrow or next week will be the same, so you enjoy the good days. And I agree, forget the labels of 'co-dependency', and 'enablers', you do what you have to do at the time for yourself or your addicted love one, and to hell with what others think or say. God Bless all you Moms & Dads, brothers & sisters out there who has an addict in the family. Stay strong, and get support wherever you can.

melk said...

I stopped counting a long time ago. when I realized that my recovery was about me and I had to find happiness regardless of how many days of sobriety my son had, or if he had any sobriety.
Today I live one day at a time.