Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Is Going Equal to Support or Condoning?

On March 2 our son goes to court for his sentencing on theft charges. He has been in jail since he violated house arrest rules by using again about one month ago.

I am struggling with whether to go to court to view his sentencing or not. On one hand I detest what he does. Not just the drug abuse but the stealing to support his habit is against everything he was ever taught. On the other hand, holding out hope that each time could be the time he decides to clean up his act I want to be there in case he asks for help and is serious. Even though in court they cannot talk or make any gestures to spectators.

No matter if he gets more time or probation it is not likely he is going he is going to get out because I know two other jurisdictions have warrants for him and he may likely be bound over for them and transported there.

Is going to his sentencing construed as support for him and even condoning his actions? We do not visit him while he is in jail. Mom takes his calls when he calls from jail.

12 comments:

kristi said...

I say that if you want to go, you should go. I know your son realizes that you love him. I have visited family in jail because I wanted to let them know I cared and wanted them to get clean and sober.

Syd said...

I would go because I would want a loved one to know that I did love them. I may not agree with what they did but I would just be there to say, I care.

sydney_savage said...

If it were me I would not go. I don't support bad behavior, and I think it's important to learn things on your own without a support system... but that's just me. ;)

clean and crazy said...

I agree with Syd it is not about supporting bad behavior, it is about following your heart. You have an addict for a son and wow, it is like your higher power is trusting you with a special child.
The important thing is to let go. Do not hold on to the thought that maybe this time, because it is not in your time it is in "God's" time. We are talking about life on life's terms and I wish there was an easy answer for you. That is what you son has always looked for an easy answer.
I know this sense I have surrendered my will and when I am doing Gods will everything else works itself out. You will feel better, I think if you can surrender the fact that you are powerless. I am sorry I am just trying to give some encouragement. My name is Suzie and I am an addict. I read your past posts and they are very honest and powerful.

Her Big Sad said...

I don't know what my decision would be, if I were able to go. My business requires that I am on the job every single day, sending work out to my subcontractors by email, and retrieving what they return and proofing it, and returning to clients within a contracted time frame throughout the business day. I simply can't be gone for a day, sitting in a courtroom. My daughter understands this and knows I will be happy to hear from her when she gets back to jail and can make a "court call" to tell me what happened. If I was not employed, I think I would want to be there...but I'm not sure it would be appropriate. But I wish I could, for the same reason I visit her in jail. It (visiting) shows her in a tangible way, that I am supportive. I can't fix it, but I care. It just seems like the right thing for me to do (and I know that not everyone looks to the Bible for direction, but for those who do, Matthew 25:36 seems pretty clear). This is a point of disagreement between my husband and myself. He will not visit, will not pay bail, will not pay for lawyer, will not go to court. I do visit, but that's the only thing I do. I think if I could, I would go to her court dates, but its a tough decision that only you can make....

(geez, aren't I the helpful one? not!!)

Fractalmom said...

go with your gut. we all hold out hope that some day our idiot children will go straight and stay that way. Some actually DO.

I wouldn't go, but that is MY thing, and my limit was up five years ago, my story started 9 or so years ago..and nine rehabs ago. you are just starting down the trail.

If you think it is something that would possibly make THE difference in your son's life...

to play devil's advocate, my experience and that of addicts that have written me, pretty much all say that until they were TOTALLY abandoned by their family, they don't hit the old tenuous 'rock bottom' that apparently addicts need to WANT to stop.

making them hit that is a bit rough from the parenting position, after all, it is our baby that we are turning out into the cold cold world or prison, to fend for themselves, and have bad things happen to them.

however, it is those very bad things that clicks something inside of them and makes them want to change.

sort of like, um....no one watched out for us? and we had to learn the HARD way how to grow up and be adults and responsible. so, we didn't want our children to suffer like we did, so we helped out whenever we could?

and then...drum roll

we found out (the really hard way) that in fact, we had done them no favors at all, it was the adversity and hardness of life that matured us by virtue of experiencing the consequences of our own stupid actions.

i hope that made sense. I am sick, tired and cranky LOL. Getting over the flu (yes, i did get a flu shot) and a BAD sinus infection that just missed turning into pneumonia so I wouldn't trust anything at all that comes out of my mouth, or my fingers.,

Oh to be Happy! said...

You do what is right for you. I went to my son's court hearings.. all but 3 times. (these 3 times court was 3 hours away) We have been going thru this stuff for 10 years. Now my son's bad choices have got him 7 years in federal prison, 1,000 miles from home.
Take care of you, let your son know you care, but do what is best for you.
wj

Auburn haired artist said...

I usually go just because I like to be able to hear for myself what the judge rules. I've found that in the past, my son has been either unable (due to anxiety) or unwilling, to clearly relate to me all of the courts requirements. Also, you can support your son without condoning his behavior - a simple appearance is a good way to do that. (Generally, the courts only note the appearance of parents in juvenile court cases)

Athena said...

Go if you want to... it's actually a safe way to indicate you care, because nothing you can do there will affect the out come, from what you say... who knows when a light bulb will go off with him...

Be at peace no matter what you decide

mother of drug addict said...

I personally don't go to court with my daughter but I can get the information of what happened on line at our states circuit court access. I do visit now that she is in the same town in house of correction (when I have time.) But when she is the county jail downtown I dont go. I say do what will make you feel the best and don't feel guilty if you choose not to go.

sydney_savage said...

I think your son needs to know that his actions are unacceptable and that you will only support him in recovery and NOT in addiction.

Blind Faith said...

Do you guys go to Al Anon or any sort of 12 step program for you? Just curious.

You have to do what you see fit to do. One thing that gets lost a lot of times is that addiction is not a moral failure. It's an illness. What your son does says more about the emptiness inside him, an emotional and spiritual malady than being a reflection on your parenting skills. Try to remember that his choices and the consequences for those choices are his to bear...not yours. May he find his bottom in God's time.