Thursday, March 19, 2009

I Care But, I Don't Care

I struggle with trying to figure out what exactly our son understands and what he doesn't. The hard part is trying to communicate normally and wondering if he got it when I speak to him and not sure if I get it when he speaks to me.

I have been trying to get across to him that I care for him but as far as his drug use goes I have stopped caring. By that I mean when I focus on his drug use I tend to take on the problem. Then my fix it mentality kicks in and our relationship suffers. I try to focus on his life now not on his addiction. His problem with addiction will never be solved until he hates his addiction as much as we hate it. All I try to impress upon him are the consequences if he chooses to use. He must understand that using is his choice, if he never recognizes that it is his choice he can never chose to stop. 

It is hard not to get your hopes up constantly, we are always looking for that light of our old son. Flickers appear and and it is like a tiny spark in a puddle of gasoline. An explosion of hope and love burst forth only to burn out just as quickly when a behavior raises the tiniest suspicion. Just like a roller coaster, terrifying drops and next moment spine tingling thrills. Inside I know he has to recognize the same things, he is too intelligent not to be aware. I can see the roller coaster emotions in him at times. What is truly sad is the despair I can see in his face when he is using. I want to believe that he can see his problem. My constant fear is does he have the strength to slay that demon.

Tonight I see that glimmer of light. We are watching basketball games, normalcy seems natural but it is a guarded normal. He told me that he is 15 days clean. I know so very well how fragile that statement is. 


~Christina~ said...

"Too intelligent to not be aware"....interesting quote you wrote.

Intelligence has no power over addiction and plays no role in getting to the bottom. In fact, the early researchers in alcoholism, who consulted with Dr Bob and Bill W actually said intelligence hurts one who suffers from addiction. They're so smart, they tell themselves that "Smart" people arent addicts, and can handle a "little" using. They smart talk themselves right out of a bottom.

Sigmund Freud was as genius as they come..mroe so than most, yet he was a coke addict. Smart or not so smart, the denial of addiction ie; "Unawareness" is more powerful than intelligence.

Praying for his bottom, hang in there. Your a great Dad!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Christine that you are a great dad. I viewed your statement about intelligence seems that you are saying he sees the pattern too - the roller coaster, the obviousness of how fragile the situation is. I hope the 15 days turns into 30, 45, 100 .... etc.

Lou said...

Unfortunately, intelligence has nothing to do with it, as Christina points out. But I think what you meant is this: you have a great talk with your son, everything he says indicates he understands. When the talk is finished he says something so out in left field you are left wondering if he heard anything at all. I have had many of those conversations.
I just keep hoping that HALF of what I say, gets through.

15 days is great! Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

I so understand your feelings about wondering if your son is "getting" any of what you say.
My son, I just realized, is NINE weeks sober.
Still, I feel that his maturity and ability to reason is stunted. I know that there are all kinds of scientific explanations for this-- but, as B's mom, I feel as though his life was so unmanageable because his addiction was all he could focus on.

You are so right, in my opinion-- your son has to hate the addiction as much as we loving parents do.

My heart felt genuinely touched by what you said-- just a few moments of "normalcy" reminds us that inside that drug addict is our child...that we raised and love. It's like we don't even know who that addict is. We long to have that innocent child back.

Praying for you...


mother of drug addict said...

Its soooo nice to have hope even of its for a short period of time. Enjoy it, and remember it. I wish you and your family all the best!!

Laura said...

I feel so naive and pray that we are not headed for the death of dreams you both are experiencing. Our son has been Drug free since his first weekend out of rehab about December 10. He laid around for several weeks and then finally go his dream job working a golf store and loves it. He is making money and hasn't stolen from us in over a year. He goes to get a Nivitrol shot every month and plans on taking that for 1 year. So we are proud and hopeful of all those successes.
However, he is still playing with old playmates- who don't use drugs but drink. He has done some drinking the last week and not come home all night and we were unable to reach him. I totally relate to the feeling of trying to get through a work day hoping your child is not laying dead somewhere. His dad and I were so upset with him. As it has reoccurred we have gone from taking his car, phone etc. to just really not giving a crap and telling him we don't expect him home at night anymore. It is easier on us that way. And as you said sometimes it is about self preservation. No matter what we do nothing feels right or seems to make any difference- and it is because this is his free will. Because I am a hope junkie I keep thinking about what VH said "relapse is part of recovery".
He has not had any legal problems till recently and there is a chance the charges could be dropped due to his high level of cooperation- but I doubt it. It was not even related to drugs. It may be the best thing to happen to him- but I at this point I am still hopeful he is not going to have a felony charge on his record. His life could really start working out for him given a positive attitude and as you said grasping the opportunities available to him.
But we are painfully aware that if he starts using again it could all go in the crapola.
Hang in there you two! My prayers are with you. Hug each other alot. I know I could use a few more:)

Unknown said...

I still see glimpses of my daughter, somewhere in there. For awhile, when she was at the height of the addiction, for, oh, I don't know, about 5 years, I didn't even get glimpses. Now, it's occasional. It almost makes it hurt worse to see that part of her is back, but then she comes over stoned and it hurts all over again.

Rough ride.

Zoran Lovén said...

You are wonderful parents and I wish your family health, joy, unity.
Thank you for sharing your lives.