I have been trying to get across to him that I care for him but as far as his drug use goes I have stopped caring. By that I mean when I focus on his drug use I tend to take on the problem. Then my fix it mentality kicks in and our relationship suffers. I try to focus on his life now not on his addiction. His problem with addiction will never be solved until he hates his addiction as much as we hate it. All I try to impress upon him are the consequences if he chooses to use. He must understand that using is his choice, if he never recognizes that it is his choice he can never chose to stop.
It is hard not to get your hopes up constantly, we are always looking for that light of our old son. Flickers appear and and it is like a tiny spark in a puddle of gasoline. An explosion of hope and love burst forth only to burn out just as quickly when a behavior raises the tiniest suspicion. Just like a roller coaster, terrifying drops and next moment spine tingling thrills. Inside I know he has to recognize the same things, he is too intelligent not to be aware. I can see the roller coaster emotions in him at times. What is truly sad is the despair I can see in his face when he is using. I want to believe that he can see his problem. My constant fear is does he have the strength to slay that demon.
Tonight I see that glimmer of light. We are watching basketball games, normalcy seems natural but it is a guarded normal. He told me that he is 15 days clean. I know so very well how fragile that statement is.