Monday, March 2, 2009

Calmed Down and Realistic

Well I blew off some steam. It's been a few hours since I got out of court and I had some lunch.

I don't know if he is getting out of jail or if he is getting transferred to another jurisdiction. But if he is coming home we must be prepared and stop just letting life happen to us. This is a situation that we control. We can chose to give up control but if we do we must make that a conscious decision.

If he comes home ground rules must be established by us. No more free rides, a 21 year old pulls his own weight. "Our house, our rules", that is a phrase that every parent of a teenager knows. With a young teenager the bluff usually works wonders. With a 21 year old son it has a definite meaning and if he thinks it is only a threat than he'll suffer the consequences of his actions. The rules and enforcement is up to us not him to establish.

I have always heard that in prison there is "hard time" and "easy time". In some ways, as a non-addict, I have to believe that for an addict just the complete lack of being able to control your life because someone else has taken that responsibility would make not using the "easy time". Being out and not using when the drugs are so available has to be the "hard time". That is if they really want to quit, but who am I to know. One thing for sure, quitting is his choice if he chooses to use then he cannot be in our home or maintain a close relationship with me.

It is sad, I love my son but he is coming dangerously close to being just another addict to me.

Something stark hit me last week. I was having a discussion with a person that I have worked with for over 10 years that knows this whole situation. He made the observation that I used to speak of Alex this and Alex that, now I refer almost always to him as "my addict". That observation has been weighing heavily on me, the truth is after thinking about it, Alex is disappearing. What is remaining is an addict in which the shining good qualities of my son are growing dimmer and dimmer.


Syd said...

Having him home is a choice. Perhaps at 21, it's time that he goes right to rehab or Oxford House or somewhere other than with you. It's tough love but it may save his life in the long run.

Cat said...

I am so sorry.

sydney_savage said...

I think you were in the correct frame of mind in the last post.

It's OK to be angry. It is OK to NOT bail him out.

You are not a bad person for wanting to save his life while maintaining healthy boundaries. We enablers are just as addicted to our addicts as they are to their substance of choice.

Break the cycle.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I'm glad I found your blog. I am sitting here feeling like I can't go on like this - worried about my son 24/7. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I know he's using but he won't admit it. He's never gotten the help he needs (he uses both coke and heroin intravenously). I am sick. It feels good just to leave this comment. I see some people I know also read here. I haven't been to Al-Anon for over a month because I know longer believe in God or a higher power. Thanks for listening

Lou said...

You can fax a letter to the judge. You can call the P.O. The wheels of justice often don't make sense. Learn to be the squeaky wheel. When they wanted my son to wear a tether & live at home, I promptly called the P.O. and told him we did not have a land line. And we weren't getting one for his tether. They couldn't do anything about it, but did it ever piss them off. They had to come up with another solution.
Every time my son has claimed he could come home, we have always gotten a call from someone in the court system to verify this. Something does not gel here..perhaps the lawyer arranged this? I would fax the judge immediately, cc the lawyer & the P.O., tell them he has a opiate addiction and needs treatment. You are no longer responsible for paying for rehabs. He is society's problem now (you know what I mean). He is one of many, and certainly not the 1st that didn't have a "home" to go to.
PS Do you have AlAnon near? Your hurt & grief will eat you up.

Auburn haired artist said...

I know exactly how you feel. My son spent so much of his teen years in JJA custody, in and out of Juvenile corrections, JDC, group homes, rehabs, etc - I just wanted my son HOME, with me. It has taken us both a long time to realise that "home" is a toxic place for him. Too many old friends, easy drugs, and old patterns of behavior. I've had to learn how to enjoy having him home in small doses and ONLY on my terms.

I still worry about him alot, because he still has so much hanging over his head in terms of court time to serve, and I know that in spite of all his best efforts, he relapses often. But when he's home, he's my son - not the drug addict. That feels incredibly good and keeps my hope alive.

There are many good, free, rehabs availible for him. Salvation Army ARC (Adult Rehab Center) here in Kansas City is a good one,I think it's a 12-14 month program. Heart of America Teen Challenge is an 18 month program that I highly recommend, and they will take anyone (any age) reguardless of finances or ability to pay. I know that Johnson County Courts/probation are willing to work with both those programs. They are NOT fancy, spa like, facilities, but they are serious about recovery and teaching addicts how to begin again.

Good luck, I'll be praying for you.

Auburn haired artist said...

P.S. Have him check with the local SRS office, and set an appointment with RADAC. (Regional Area Drug and Alcohol Center) They will interview him and reccommend placement and find him an opening.

A Feast for the Eyes said...

Please don't apologize for your ranting and raving. Blogging is highly therapeutic. It's why I started my blog-- first, I got tired of repeating to my loved ones how my son was doing in treatment. Then, my blog became my way of journaling my thoughts & feelings. I can so identify with how you feel.

You've gotten excellent advice from Lou and so many others. I pray that I will never have to be in this position-- so far my son has never been arrested. But, I also know that if my son uses again that I MUST change the locks and kick him out of my house.

This is agony for any parent, and my heart goes out to you. My gut feeling is that your son can't come home. Until he truly reaches bottom, and he truly wants to work the program and stay clean-- it's just a matter of time before he breaks all of your rules. My son calls this getting a case of the "f-it's". He says when he wants to use, he doesn't care about the consequences. He just wants to use.

Prayers and blessings. I'm thinking of both of you and your son.


Unknown said...

I read this and I am very sad -- sad because all those shining moments of truth, of life, of accomplishment, of hope and of dreams to be lived, are lost under the cloak of addiction. You speak to our hearts with a language and an emotional quality we understand.