Sunday, March 8, 2009

It Ain't Going To Happen

I said he was to be homeless if he continued to use.

I believe my son is using again. Mom says he is probably using. If you read my last post you would think he should be gone but Mom and I are not seeing eye to eye on this.

Mom wants him to stay here to see what happens on Thursday and to see if he gets into The Center. We were both in agreement that he could not use here but he has manipulated her again. He is playing the needy son card again. She doesn't want him to leave she feels he will just go on the street and not make it to court on Thursday and get the judge to send him to The Center. Then he will never get better. I feel this is his responsibility and it is time for us to back out. When I ask her what we do if he doesn't get into The Center she doesn't respond.

I don't know how we are going to make it to Thursday. She has lost her set of keys to my truck. He has taken them before and I think he has them again so the truck is not leaving my sight. This morning her purse had been dumped, she is blaming herself. Last night she took him to a AA meeting. She was going to wait, dropped him off, saw him enter and she sat there for a while and decided to drive down the street to Dairy Queen for an ice cream. When she got back she saw him and another male walking down the street while he was suppose to be inside the meeting and when he saw her he ducked and went around the other building, the other male took off the other way. I'm sure there must be a back way out he used. How much more does she need to do what needs to happen?

I am at that point I ignore him and ask nothing from him because I know he will just lie. I cannot throw him out against her wishes. Until the light comes on for her, this is our life.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that your son is sick. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. If you aren't attending Al Anon or Narc Anon, you might find some excellent support there. Even if Mom chooses not to go, you can get help and support.

Auburn haired artist said...

What if you confronted him, told him that he has violated the conditions of his stay at your house, and give him an option to find a rehab, detox, or shelter that would be willing to take him in the next 24 hours - until he hears back from The Center? That way, mom doesn't feel like he has been thrown out on the street, You can sleep knowing that you have offered him a chance to stay clean. Of course, he may choose the streets and at this point, will probably end up there eventually, but it will be HIS choice.

Annette said...

Oh gosh, I am so sorry. If its any support at all...I am glad you are waiting for your wife to see the light. I know there have been times where I have had to wait for my husband to see the light and there are times he has had to wait for me. It was important though that we acted as a team...important for ourselves and our relationship and for our daughter. If anything had happened to her while out and we hadn't been in agreement it would have really been a hurdle for us in our marriage.

It sucks, its painful. And your wife....I so know that desperation of grasping at "if we can only wait until Thursday. If we can only get him back in treatment." That is her hope. Hope that her boy will come back to her someday, whole and healthy. Who the hell can blame her for clinging to that? Unfortunately if your son isn't ready or wanting it, Thursday will make no difference.

Keep hanging on Dad.... I am praying for you guys.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...


Just reading this makes my heart hurt for all three of you. I understand completely your wife's desire to wait till Thursday, I know I'd probably be leaning that way too. Not sure how many "last chances" he's had yet.

Oh, this is so exhausting isn't it? I'm thinking of you all and hoping for the very best.

Anonymous said...

Ooops thatcomment above was me under my other blog name....

Fractalmom said...

Dear Mom.

My name is Dawn. I have four children, ages 32, 30, 23 and 20. My 30 year old is a heroin addict. She has three children. I have taken two of them away.

She graduated as valedictorian of her class. She had a full scholarship from NASA to college, (just short of IVY league). She dual majored in physics/math.

She has stolen hundreds of thousands of dollars from us. she has made me think I misplaced money, objects, and most times, my sanity. she has stolen treasured family heirlooms. She has devastated her little sister and little brother's life. She has left us with many messes. She has consistently chosen heroin over her own children. Two of her babies were born addicts.

WE almost lost our home because under the drug laws, anyone living in a home where drugs are being used can cause that home to be confiscated.

I knew for years she was using, and yet, I kept pouring money and time and love and effort and energy into trying to help her get better. I even allowed her to return again and again to our home so she could live safely, have food to eat, a place to bathe, and the loving support of her family around her to help her in the down times.

None of it worked. Not even taking her children away. She would get better for a while, then go back to using.

She has been in a methadone program for the past almost 3 years, and now is AGAIN using. This was her NINTH rehab. She has tried cold turkey, suboxone, naltr (something or other), subutex, methadone, NA, AA, inpatient rehab for 60 days, outpatient rehab with intensive counseling, methadone again, and then methadone again....

It hurts. I know how bad it hurts. It hurts so badly inside that you could just lay down and die. The embarrassment is awful in a small town. The feeling that you have somehow failed is enormous. Was it the fact that he was the youngest? did you somehow ignore him for the girls when you should have been there for him?

Stop. Just stop.

You didn't do anything. You didn't cause this. No one in your family did.

for some unknown and unGodly reason, some kids just, start using and don't stop. they like it. they like it better than anything else. Even when you did every single thing RIGHT.

And, they are going to continue to use until they wake up (which you cannot control, make happen or hurry along), or they die, or they get put in prison.

Those are the FACTS. only 15% of heroin addicts ever get and stay clean. 85% of them still use until they either die, or get locked up.

You son is most probably one of them. Perhaps not. But it is ULTIMATELY HIS CHOICE which way the wind will blow.

and, it is time to face the facts.

you cannot, and should not turn your back on the rest of the family to cover your son.

let him go. it might just save his life.

Junkies will tell you, over and over, the ONLY time they actually hit rock bottom is when there is NO WHERE and NO ONE left.

He needs to be homeless, dirty, hungry, sick, disgusted, and nasty. He needs to realize what his actions result in. As long as you give him a nice clean home, baths, food, clothes and rides, he has

NO CONSEQUENCES. Jail is not a consequence for junkies. Jail is only a brief respite where the drugs are a 'little' harder to get, but not much.

consequences are

your family refuses to even acknowledge that you are alive.

you starve.

you prostitute to get a fix

you sleep on the street.
you get robbed.
you get dope sick alot
no one will take your calls.

finally, when you realize it, and you WANT to get help, no one will take your calls.

then, finally, you get up and get clean yourself.

two years later, when you call, and they still won't take your calls, you have a counselor tell them you are clean.

two years later they start thinking they might believe it.

two years later, they do.

two years later, you can finally (after 8 years of trying) come over to visit. but you do it knowing they will never ever trust you, and you understand why and accept it.

Mom, wake up. let him go. It's his only chance.

sydney_savage said...

No one could ever say it better than Fractal Mom.

Mom needs to go to Al Anon... I know it's a hard step to take, but all of use preaching the same thing over and over can't be wrong can it? I know it will bring you peace. I know it can be scary at first. It is hard to admit to your own faults. Let it go. Be at peace. You are no help to your son if you keep enabling him. You may as well be sticking that needle in his arm for him. Often times the right thing to do is the HARDEST thing to do. Let the love you have for your son propell you to get help for yourself.

What you have done so far aitn workin' - May as well at least TRY a new path.


clean and crazy said...

fractal mom hit the nail on the head...HARD!!! For real though have your wife read what she wrote, then check out what Lou wrote over at Subdural Flow, she too is a mom of an addict. I stole over 20,000 of my moms money I am not proud of that and I do not want to give you false hope for your son but NA is what saved my life I have over four years clean now and I totally cherish my life today. The only thing that saved me was the "Gift of Desperation" only then was I ready to surrender. No one could do it for me. I can imagine the tension in your life today and I wish I could take it away. When you both learn to let go you may find a little peace and serenity, but i know that will not happen until your son gets some peace from active addiction. You are in my prayers

Fractalmom said...

addendum to Dear Mom.

My heart still hurts and it has been 9 years. It never really goes away. But, it had to be done, and my daughter although she has again used, has told me that she never truly realized anything until the night she became homeless, hungry, cold and was 4 months pregnant and even her own mother kicked her out.

My heart will always hurt. That is the life my junkie daughter has imposed on me. The hurt will never, ever go away. There is nothing that can be done about it.

The only way I got through it was to consider my child dead. I grieved as though she was. I even went to grief counseling. THAT helped alot.

So did Nar Anon. If there is a group in your town, find it. If not, there is a group online that will help you alot. it is located at

Her Big Sad said...

I know how Mom feels. For a long time, in our case it was my husband who just could not bring himself to tell our daughter that she had to leave. And many, many times, he reopened the door to my daughter, after pleading with me, "what if THIS is the time that she really gets it?" "what if THIS is the time, and we don't help her?"

And because I felt that if she died "out there", I might have to look at him across her coffin and hear him say "If you had let her come home, this might not have happened...."

I agreed to letting her come home.

Over and over. (and in retrospect, I think I used his viewpoint as a crutch....I chose to go along rather than push for doing the painful things that I knew deep down, probably needed to be done!)

One time she actually made it almost two years, paid off a car she bought from us, and worked full time, even took a trip to Paris with her sponsor..... However, a week before the two year birthday, she relapsed.

Fractalmom is absolutely on the mark. It's hard to read and even harder to accept. But she nailed it.

Athena said...

Thinking about you tomorrow

(some days my mantra still is "I don't care if she hates me, as long as she lives..." It is so counter to the parenting you have done so far, But Fractal Mom is correct)