Wednesday, March 4, 2009

What's Next

Our son was released from jail yesterday. After his court in Johnson County he was transferred to KCKS. He was there one night and they released him on a PR bond. Needless to say he was calling to get us to pick him up. Mom picked him up on her way home from work.

His story is, on March 12 he goes to see his probation officer and he will then get placed at The Center. Until then he is on his own so he is back at our house.

One consequence of that for us is our daughter called and told us that as long as he was in our house she was not coming over and will not bring our new granddaughter into our house. I can't say I blame her. If I had a new baby I wouldn't expose it to the drugs and life he brings with him.

I am not in a real good frame of mind having him back at home even if it is only for a week. The tension level between mom and I has escalated just because he is around. I cannot allow my anger at the situation spill over into our relationship.

I laid down the law to him last night concerning him being in our house. You can do and decide whatever you want to do but here are the conditions that I am living with and apply to me.

No drugs, stealing or lying. If I find drugs in this home or evidence of drugs usage I will do what I should have done a long time ago. I personally will do whatever is necessary to protect my family and home. Use drugs and you are out of my life and out of anyone's life that I care about. I will see to that personally and do whatever it takes to make it happen. This is until you can prove that you are an honorable person and can live a life of honor. If you chose to never do that then it will be goodbye.

The line has been drawn. There is too much happiness in my life to allow his shit to mess it up. This has been going on too long. Doing the same thing for almost 6 years, crying, pleading and bargaining has not worked. It is the classic definition of insanity if we return to the same methodology to try and fix this problem and expect it to work. Next steps are NEXT STEPS. Drastic? yes but at some point self preservation must be considered. I am beginning to understand that an addict will gladly take you to the grave with them if you allow it to happen.

So, he's back in our house so that means we are the ones in jail. Back to locking up keys, hiding the change jar, locking purses in the car and monitoring phones and computers. No more nights of sleeping well, one eye always open and one ear listening for strangers in the house after we go to bed.

I always hold out the hope for his recovery but I no longer invest myself in it. My real hope is that my investments in the stock market and him both turn around quickly.


kristi said...

Ugh...I am sorry he was not able to go into sober living, or rehab first. Hoping things go okay til' his court date.

Annette said...

I so relate to everything you wrote here. You sound so much like my husband!! It takes drastic steps sometimes and I have to tell myself that there is no guilt in that. Protecting the rest of the family is a top priority.

You and your family are in my God box today.

Anonymous said...

I think every parent of an addict can relate to what you said here...its like being in prison. Hiding money and keys, never getting a good night's sleep. I had the best sleep every when my son was in the hospital and in rehab, but that was only a total of 6 nights and it was not even 6 in a row.

One thing you have helped me realize is that even with a father present in the house, things are very similar. I often think "if only I had a man here to be more firm with him" but drugs are no respecter of gender and they are what rule the addicts life :(

Yet, I still wish I had someone to lean on and help me. My son intimidates me because he's so much bigger and stronger than me.

I wish you the very best in the next few days. I am sending positive thoughts out to your family and hoping that "this is it" for your boy.

HeatherK. said...

I feel your pain. I know it all too well. I wish our wanting it for them, wanting with every fiber of our being for them, was enough.

sydney_savage said...

to heather: wanting it FOR them is not enough.

I strongly reccommend that you set boundaries for YOURSELVES as well as your addict. Perhaps this means detaching with love?

Fractalmom said...

good for you. you are totally right. the addict will continue to rule your life by you being held hostage to hope, love and generally just hoping they will pull their heads out of their asses. They won't, for the most part.

I'm really sorry. Especially with other children involved. While it may not be fair for your daughter to put it quite that way...she did and I don't blame her.

Now, what if the week turns into....more than a week?

What next?

you may have to simply say..

Son, I love you and I am sorry, but you have to leave. Take him to the nearest homeless shelter.

That's why I say, it was easier to grieve as though my daughter had died. To me anyway, she DID, when that needle went into her arm.

Now, I have no expectations anymore regarding her behavior or using, and it has made me much freer.

Syd said...

I hear you loud and clear. And maybe the line in the sand needs to be more delineated. Like Fractalmom said, taking care of yourself is paramount. I hope that things go smoothly while he is home.

clean and crazy said...

I wish I could take your pain away. I wish you were my parents. When they were alive, and I was still using, they were my enablers. I ran away from them, they co-signed everything I did. I had them convinced that I needed dope to survive. It wasn't until my father died that I hit my bottom and was given the "Gift of Desperation" to try to get clean. You have some smart readers here, I hope it helps you and your wife to stand your ground. I am grateful today I was able to live with my mom for a few years clean before she passed away. I was able to make amends to her and be the daughter she could be proud of. Thanks for sharing. I appreciate the honesty.

Her Big Sad said...

I hear you.... your post is an echo of what is ricocheting around in my head. I spent a portion of my afternoon locking up my wedding rings, camera, ipod, laptop, prescriptions, etc. I've had a real short fuse all day, and I'm actually feeling a little ill. I hate this. I can't wait to hug her and I don't want her to get out. She's not safe from herself when she's out.

Take special care of yourself and Mom. I am praying that your son is ready. And praying for your whole family during this difficult time.

Lou said...

Andrew's sister was the soccer player, the debate team, Honor Society, etc. She graduated with 17 college credits. It wasn't till she was done with college that I realized how much I she had almost raised herself during the teen years..because I was 98% consumed with the addict and his drug tests, court appearances, probation visits, school expulsions..
I have made amends to her, and she has accepted that but I still feel shitty about it.