Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Energy Is Finite

This sure isn't how we envisioned our 50's. We had children young on purpose, we wanted time later in life alone to be able to enjoy life together and we had seen what our parents had done with their parents and care needed. We were prepared for that. The general assumption is; raise the kids send them to college, even though neither of us ever went to college. They get jobs, they become independent. Well 2 out of 3 ain't bad. But that third one, what can you say.

My mom is 80 years old. She is a very young 80. Some 80 year old people are feeble but not my mom, she even still works, goes around to grocery stores loading up those coupon machines. My sister lives with her and my brother is great helping with her. I ask him quite a while ago if he could be the point person with mom because my son was taking everything I had time and emotion wise. He has done it. Alzheimer's has ravaged my family, several of my mom's brothers and sisters have suffered though this disease. Every time mom forgets something it scares me. But right now she seems to be doing OK just normal old age stuff, fingers crossed.

My wife's father is 80. He is retired but still farms. Has over 100 acres and way over 50 head of cattle, along with all the hay, feed, equipment and stuff to take care of them. He does that very well and is as independent as they come. Yesterday that nearly came to an end. He decided to dance with a cow, the cow won, he now has 2 broken ribs, broken nose, and the inside of his mouth is trashed, truth is he was lucky that was all that happened. Looks like all of us are now going to be taking care of a few cows for a while, too.

This stuff wouldn't be and isn't a catastrophe in a normal family without an addict. As we are well aware an addict consumes an extraordinary amount of resources, emotionally, physically and financially. We struggle with what we have left after our son. Regardless of how much you try to detach they work their way into everything you do. Then how do you divide what is left between others and yourselves. As I tried to explain above, life happens.

I am a believer that energy is finite. Just like budgeting if something unexpected happens you have to shift energy available from one pot to another. I cannot allow our addicted son to consume so much energy that others are left starving. This is a discussion I will have with him when he gets out of jail. His days of commanding the bulk of our energy and attention must end.

7 comments:

Fractalmom said...

i call it emotional bankruptcy. too many withdrawals (by the addict) not enough deposits (by the rest of the family, who continue to look to us for support, emotionally and mentally, because, well, we ARE the parents??).

Yah. There does come a point where you just say.

I do NOT have the energy to deal with any of your BS anymore. Have a nice life. Come by sometime for lunch.

A Feast for the Eyes said...

You truly have a gift of expressing yourself. I an so identify with how emotionally bankrupt you feel.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad; prayerfully, he'll recover in good time.

As for your son... it sounds so familiar. I just got so tired from my son always being in "crisis mode". I had my meltdown two nights ago.

I remarried, 3 years ago, to a man who was 50 years old. He had remained a bachelor until that age, no debt, no baggage (good Missouri roots!) Little did he know that our marriage would reveal that I had a drug addict in the family-- I did not know, at the time. This is not what he signed up for, either. I'm blessed that he loves me as much as he does. So, we deal with what it is.

Keep blogging and sharing. It's therapeutic.
Oh-- and make time for your Valentine, this weekend!

Blessings,
Debby
www.howismyson.blogspot.com

Athena said...

I take my grandson to see his 84 year old great grandmother, who is a delightful & sharp lady at least every other week - she is broken hearted that her beloved grand-daughter is in jail,. I feel it is important -

On the other hand, I have not gone to see my daughter in the county jail (see latest blog - I ranted a bit)...

Yes - I have a savings account of energy and love waiting for my daughetr to decide on her own she needs help. ~hugs to you and mom~

Syd said...

There is a point where I give out. And I give up all of it to my Higher Power. I can't carry the load. I've been there quite a few times. I have a lot of energy but need to spend it on positive things.

cw2smom said...

This so resonates with me today. I am emotionally bankrupt with my "qualifiers" as well. They take and take and take. I am in meltdown mood right now and having a little down time. It helps. Actually, it causes me to rethink how I've been handling things, when I send myself to my room. It works for me! LOL! Hoping your dad is on the mend soon! Blessings, Lisa

Auburn haired artist said...

Yup, I've got it coming at me from all directions lately. It has to be okay to say enough, I need a break! There is only so much that a person can do.

Take care,
~susan

dorabee said...

Came across your comments last nite. Wow! We too have 3 kids, thought by the time we reached our 50"s we'd be able to sit back and just enjoy life, the two of us. Two kids graduated college and the third..... I just can't believe that drug addiction has come into our lives. I, too live in Oklahoma. There is a terrific organization based in central Oklahoma called "parents helping parents". Anyone can access it. There is tons of information!! It has been so helpful to us. If you don't know about it give it a look. www.parentshelpingparents.info I have heard good things about ClayCrossing and there is another place in Enid called Van's House. I believe it is a year program. We lost our "window of opportunity", but if I had to do it again, I would put my son in one of those places. Best wishes,, dorabee