Saturday, April 21, 2012

How Did We Get Here? Guest Blogger: Lisa


The question haunted my every waking moment.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  I had moved from planning a high school graduation party to shopping for my son’s first rehab.  What about college?  What about all the other kids in his graduating class who were moving on to a new chapter in their lives?  What about those hopes and dreams I had carried for my child for 19 years?  How did we get HERE?
I simply had to have an answer to that question.  I thought I had done a good job as a parent raising my two children.  I had scaled my work schedule back to part-time when they were growing up to spend more time at home with them.  I volunteered in the preschools and schools they attended, helped with their extracurricular activities, attended Church with them, sent them to Church camp each summer, chaperoned their events, vacationed with them as a family, shared family meals with them every evening and helped with homework.  How did we get here?
In time the question changed.  How do we fix this?  Surely if I read books, attended parent support groups, found the right counselors, doctors, recovery coaches, rehab programs, aftercare groups, halfway houses and sober living establishments we could find out what to do to put this all behind us and get our lives back on track.   Now it didn’t matter how we got here if we could just find a cure.
That was three years ago.  Today I don't ask those questions.   There are no answers.     
Today I have come to a place of acceptance.  I have been affected by my son’s addiction.  I wish it had never become a part of our lives.  To question, however, why it happened, or spend time trying to control it is a waste of my time and energy.  Instead I have accepted it as a part of our lives.  I can live my life torturing myself in an attempt to find answers to questions that do not exist.  Or I can live my life accepting the reality of what is.  And along the way I can learn from every life experience. 
My son's life has not unfolded as I had planned, and I cannot see into his future.  His life will continue along on its journey.  I do not know what the path ahead will look like.  It will be different than I had imagined it would be.  Perhaps it will turn out better than I ever could have hoped for. 
 Today my son is again in rehab.  Today is a good day.
 Lisa

11 comments:

Dad and Mom said...

Thank You Lisa.

It was the same for us. We struggled, we were good parents??? Weren't we, then how do we get here? I ask that same question a million times and never got an answer. Just like you we just had to move forward to a place that no one planned to go. Each day we move forward again, even with a son in recovery, we can measure our steps each day.

Lisa, Very good post.

Annette said...

Excellent post Lisa. The first time I heard someone say that, "Today is a good day," it helped me to recognize that not *every* day was bad just because my heart was broken and I was afraid for my daughter. It gave me a whole new perspective. I can recognize them when they come now....and that is quite often. Thanks for posting and Ron thank you for inviting Lisa....what a great idea!!!

Lou said...

Those merry go round questions!! We do spend so much time on them, and they simply don't matter. "It is what it is", but our natural instinct is to get answers...

"And along the way I can learn from every life experience" That's the bottom line, and sharing your E,S, and H here is great.

Cathy |Treatment Talk said...

Hi Lisa,

I could so relate to every word of your post. It is challenging to find yourself in this situation. I know I spent time questioning myself and wondering why this happened. I resented sitting in my first Al-Anon meeting. I also realized I had to let go of my expectations. They weren't happening, and probably never would. So glad your son is in rehab. My daughter did finish rehab and I am happy to share that she is doing well today. There is hope you your son as well. My best to you!

DDD said...

Great post, Lisa. It's so strange. Your child being an addict is something you think could NEVER happen to you. Then, all of a sudden, it happens. And the life you envisioned for your child becomes a thing of the past. And you wonder why and how it happened. Just remember... You didnt cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. One day at at a time...both for the addict and the addict's loved ones. I wish you and your family--especially your son--the best. I will say a prayer for you today.

Tom said...

You are on the right road choosing acceptance. I have seen many get better, myself included. I was in rehab multiple times but thank God it finally clicked. Keep being an optimist!

Allyson said...

Hi Lisa,
I'm glad to hear that your son is clean now and I hope he stays that way.

I'd like to suggest one resource to support and inspire his recovery -- it's a mobile app called Today's Step: Recovery. You can learn more about it at www.todaysstep.com. If he doesn't have a phone, he can still get the email, which has inspiring quotes, stories, and health tips.

Best wishes...
Allyson

Syd said...

Thanks for the post, Lisa. I don't have children but appreciate the difficulty in letting go of someone who is loved so deeply.

lori said...

Lisa, I feel like I could just erase your name and sign mine. Not that I could have said it as eloquently, but I sure have the same questions. Thank you for this. I'm just beginning the acceptance part and the learning part.
And thanks Ron for posting this. I've found your blog recently and it's been such a help to me.

Nan said...

I always thought that by teaching our kids about drugs and alcohol and not be drinkers our selves that our kids would be fine. Not so for my oldest son. I am truly lost in this new role I have of being a parent to an alcoholic. I am sad, scared I worry every time the phone rings. I feel alone because no one I know have this problem.

R Johnson said...

Thank you for your honesty as you've described the unwanted journey your son's addiction has put you on. Many will be helped because you are willing to share. Although drug addiction recovery is absolutely possible and there is hope for all who are on this journey, it is also important to know that it is a process.