Tuesday, August 25, 2009

48 Hours

48 Hours, that's all it takes for him to drag another crisis into our lives. We return from vacation, relaxed, de-stressed and guess what, he's now in jail.

When I got back to work it wasn't normal. I just had a feeling. There wasn't the normal banter and chat with a few people. Things just seemed strained. I had a feeling, something happened. Then a couple of my co-workers told me they didn't think Alex was going to make it, not in those words but that was the meaning I took. I didn't even ask for details.

When he was taken back to The Center after work they took him straight to jail. Of course he called and was wanting sympathy. Of course he had a story, that would only make sense to an addict. No more sympathy or understanding to give here. We don't pay bail and we don't visit jailbirds. He said maybe he would get out in Nov. Hope he has someplace to go because I have ridden this ride as far as I want to go.

I am angry and resigned. His mother and I have done all we know to do. As I have said it really is up to him but we wanted to help. After much contemplation last night I have come to realization that recovery and sobriety is probably a long shot and incarceration or death is the more likely outcome. I am prepared.

I only have one question:


Oh well, just another day at the office, terminate an employee for failure to maintain acceptable attendance. I guess that sounds good. If he's in jail he can't come to work. I told him I'd fire him if he screwed up and he will see I am a man of my word. Does anyone know, do they accept registered letters at the county jail?


Marsha said...

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you as I know the choice you've had to make isn't what you'd have chosen, but were forced to go forward with. I know this has to be painful for you, and it's hard to resign oneself to the fact that some cannot be helped or saved from themselves. I'm so sorry.

Lou said...

Mom/Dad..Andrew's father and I got him so many jobs through our friends, etc. EVERY time he made fools of us. Bottom line--people get jobs on their own. Or they steal to support themselves. Then they go to jail. After a couple stints there they go to prison.

I'm reading between the lines, and can feel the hurt coming through the computer. It never stops, but it does mitigate. You reach a point where all dreams are shattered, and you are just grateful they are alive.

Everyone gets an opportunity to change their lives every single morning. When they want to.
He is young, a lot of testosterone still.

Gin said...

I am sorry. I think Lou summed it up best. Hang in there, both of you!

Susan DeAngelis said...

Addiction is powerful and baffling -- I ask myself the same question... why is it so difficult to life sober? I don't have the answer.

Just is an insatiable compulsion that I could never explain.

Hang in there -- you're in my prayers.

indistinct said...

Our addicted child never took hold of any of the opportunities we present to him. He would come to us, at some kind of horrible bottom, asking for help. As soon as the help started to work, as soon as he started feeling better, he assumed he could go out and drink and drug with impunity. That's where he is now.

I can see your waves of anger and frustration. I can only imagine the fear that is hidden beneath that. So many of us are acquainted with that fear and anger.

I can't offer much hope, only courage in knowing your partner and you don't walk this road alone. There are so many of us.

Thank you for sharing your lives with us. Our stories touch each other. Somehow, that makes life a bit more bearable.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I like what Lou had to say and also agree that he is young. Sometimes I visualize my son and filling him with God's light and love, over and over...it helps me. I am sorry yet another crisis has come up so soon after your beautiful vacation, such is the roller coaster of addiction. God Bless.

kristi said...

So sorry for another disappointment.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Crap. I am sorry. The bright side: we both know where are sons are at the moment and that they are not at risk of OD or going to jail. Sigh.

I don't understand it either, and I never will. I like what the comments here say. I get so much from reading ALL of these blogs and comments.

I am becoming resigned to the facts that this is the beginning for us, not the middle not even close to the end.

Fractalmom said...

you said "Hope he has someplace to go because I have ridden this ride as far as I want to go.

I am angry and resigned. His mother and I have done all we know to do. As I have said it really is up to him but we wanted to help. After much contemplation last night I have come to realization that recovery and sobriety is probably a long shot and incarceration or death is the more likely outcome. I am prepared."

so yah. now you know my side of the street. i just went ahead and grieved for my daughter's death, which hasn't happened yet, but will someday. so now, she is just another person walking around in the body that USED to be my daughter, but sadly, is no more.

I get/got/will continue to get alot of flack for that. it's okay. they haven't walked in my shoes for the last 11 years.

i'm really sorry that he did that to you guys. what he does to himself is his own choice. but it hurts the families much more than the addict.

i still maintain, the families are the TRUE victims of heroin addiction. there is program after program to help the addict. there isn't doodly squat except NA to help the families.

Tall Kay said...

I came by to read about your trip...

Your pain and disappointment moved me to tears. Maybe this will be the bottom. Recovery is always possible. Don't give up hope. Prayers for peace to you and mom. Hugs, Tall Karen

Anonymous said...

You know? I'm always one to say: Don't give up hope! Hang on! Don't stop trying!

But not this time. I will not say the complete opposite either. But I have read most of your blog and, coming from someone who actually fully recovered from addiction solely because of his parents' support, I can comfortably tell you this much: you have been doing exactly what you should be doing. You hardly ever messed up. Do keep that in mind, because you have given this your best.. And at this point in your trip, tough love is the way to go.. Yes, he has abused your tolerance. Yes he has abused your understanding.. Yes it is about time he gave it more of an effort.. But it is also about time you told him - in one way or another - that he may find himself all alone in this battle and that support will not always be there, waiting for him to wake up.. After all, who knows? what if something happens to you tomorrow (God forbid)? Who will he go to?

Support matters, trust me. But determination matters a million times more, and it's time your son flapped his wings like he means it!

It's tough love, but it is love nonetheless.

Best of luck on this.

Chic Mama said...

Hello, I'm new to your blog.
I'm sorry you have come back from your lovely holiday to this. You are probably a lot more experienced/knowledgeable than I am. I've only known my husband is an addict for the last 17 months. He has left us, denies he has a problem.In fact the only problem he has is everyone else. Nothing is his fault,he acts the victim all the time. I am exasperated and exhausted with it all now. I was willing to support him, now I've had enough.The only person he seems to care about is himself.I can't believe how selfish he has become. I really hope your son manages to sort himself out.
Thinking of you.

Annette said...

My husband and I can both so relate to what you are saying and feeling right now. Honor?? Ethical behavior, honesty, being willing to work hard doing anything to help yourself be independent...yep, we wonder and are frustrated over those same issues.

And what you said about incarceration or death being the more likely outcome... and that you are prepared. Yep again. We have been there, are there. Where you have to acknowledge that could very well be the outcome so that it doesn't crush if it does happen that way.

I continue to hope and pray that our kids do find their way to wholeness and clean and sober living and making healthy choices all by themselves. Anything short of death means that there is still hope.

You both hang in there. You are doing what you need to do and its hard, heartbreaking stuff....take good care of yourselves.


Her Big Sad said...

I'm so sorry that this was waiting for you when you came back. You're following through on what you said; however, and though it is small comfort, sometimes when I manage to follow through, I am able to take some comfort in the fact that I'm still parenting! Your actions are speaking, pointing out real world boundaries... and consequences...

In my humble opinion, that is a powerful parenting statement.

((Hugs)) to you both. When the dust and the hurt and the pissed off settle a bit, please remember to be good to yourselves.

And thank you for posting... your blog and the others I read are so very helpful.

Syd said...

Frustration and sadness to come back to. Yet another breach of trust. I'm glad that you tried to do something to help. Now it's up to your son to want to do something for himself. I hope that he decides to save himself.

sKILLz said...

I am very sorry to read this.
For an addict a life of honor is something that is far away out of reach.
Some people just don't want it.
I feel your anger in your post, and understand. There was a point where my own mother turned her back on me, it didn't help but I respected her for it. I hope your son will do the same. I hope he get's the help he needs as well.
"FactalMom" is correct as well, in saying the families are victims as well.
Hope it works out...
Stay Up!

Anonymous said...

Damn! That's my initial reaction. Unfortunately, I've been through this a few times. Hubby and I get away and return to more drama. Damn.
I've read your last three posts, and you have done the right thing. Doing what's best for your addicts is so painful. I'm right there, with you. My son moves out in one week. He got his own apartment. I can't take the drama and the evidence of drugs I find-- and all the excuses. At least you two have each other, and that's what gives me a lot of strength. A lot of hugs and support from my husband, and a few tissues.
I'm sorry.