Friday, July 2, 2010

Thoughts to Ponder

I had been deliberating for the last few days over many things concerning my son's addiction and trying to understand how drugs take over your life and what you become when they do. After many days of thought I wanted to speak with my son about my conclusions. How do summarize many days of consideration into something that is meaningful and concise? This is what I said.

Son, nature abhors a vacuum. Drugs and their pursuit have been your life for many years. With what and how are you going to fill this void in your life?

Your secrets are as dangerous to you as your drugs, if you cannot face your secrets of you then those demons will distroy you as surely as the drugs.

This is what several days of contemplation boils down too?


Dorothy said...

It has been extremely helpful to find your site. It is 9:00 AM (CST) and I am trying to get my son up to take him back into rehab. After a very ugly incident Thursday morning (3:15 AM) he agreed to go back in. However, as the memory of ugliness fades, so tdoes the desire for help. I would like to think that he/we can handle this ourselves, but we have not been successful so far. He is only 17, but already has at least (that we know of) 3 years of drug/alcohol use behind him. I am trying to be patient, because I believe our only hope for success is if we have buy-in from him. We forced him in the last time, and he was using again within 10 days. Not sure what else we can do.

Dad and Mom said...

Dear Dorothy,

I only wish I had your e-mail or number to chat.

You cannot believe how my heart is hurting right now for you. Your words are the scabs that are so easily picked that bring back the pain in my life.

He is 17, I know he must want it but at 17 legally you still can force the issue, my advice force it! You never know when the light will shine on him enabling him to see out of the darkness. We are still unsure with our on.

I am living with you on your drive to re-hab. I know it is a long hurtful road but one we must travel. Be strong and write any time.


BJ Stoneking said...

Ron, You have the soul of a poet, the courage of a gladiator and the strength of a good and loving father. I wish you and mom the faith to carry on the good fight until the three of you can be happy together again. I pray it will be soon. Best-Bev

Wait. What? said...

What BJ said fits perfectly.

Truth in your words.

Annette said...

What kind true words from BJ. And about secrets....we are only as sick as our biggest secret. Walking in the light is a HUGE element to one's own emotional and mental well being. It took me awhile to learn what the term "getting your covers pulled back" really meant. I'm praying for you and your family. Give Mom a hug for me.

Jane said...

You are a brilliant Mom and Dad,BJ said it all,Take care.

Heather's Mom said...

That's interesting. In Al-Anon the 4th step goes through your life - all your secrets - and then you have to share them with another person and God. I found it very freeing. Same with the AA steps.
Oh if he will someday work a program where he can go through this step.
I continue to pray for you, Mom and A.
God bless.

Syd said...

I think working a really good 12 step program would get him honest with himself, God and another human being. I like what you have to say but I doubt he will get it. Until he surrenders he will not listen.

Tori said...

What you said to your son was great. I have said similiar things to mine. At times I wonder if he has done such bad things that he doesn't want to face them? It is hard to say, and I am only guessing from his past behaviour and the people he was associating with. He lasts in Therapy for a certain amount of time and it seems when he starts to "face" things he stops going. Then months later he will start going again and stop. I wish peace for all of our children.

Jan said...

My thoughts boiled over, spewed out and left me empty. After much contemplation regarding addiction, I am left with "WHY?"

Ron, thanks so much for sharing and for keeping it real! I appreciate you and Mom and hope for nothing but smooth sailing for you all!

Barbara said...

Ron, I'm crying right now (before I read this) and now reading it I am going to steal it and say this (in my own words) to Keven. I know he's living a secret life full of lies to me, himself, his PO and everyone else.

Maybe after days of contemplation it doesn't feel like you came up with a huge amount of insight - but what you did come up with is the succinct truth about addiction. I think for all addicts drugs become their "life" because it fills a void, a need. Often that need is to cover pain or to be relived of boredom or to escape reality...whatever it is, it has taken control. The lies and secrets to are to protect the addict from having to pursue something better, something healthy. It may not be "easy" being an addict, but in some ways its easier than facing life.

I find it interesting that a lot of addicts are in their late teens/early 20's. Is it because the prospect of making it on their own scares them? Do they lack confidence or drive or direction? What is their problem?

I am so mad right now. I trusted my son with my credit card for the last month to use it for gas for his car only. I got tired of handing him cash all the time. Well my balance is up to $995.00 and more than half of that was spent on clothes, food and that F@#$ing piercing he got the other day.

I am so mad and so sad.

Anonymous said...

There is nothing you can say that will be "just the right thing" for him to hear and make him get help. He just cannot do it yet. He will get well when he is able to get well. Recommending a 12-step program is a great idea, but anything repeated over and over again just goes in one ear and out the other. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink doesn't even apply here. You can't even lead an addict to water. Just focus on taking care of you. Sad, depressed, anxious parents are no good to their children anyway. Make yourselves number one. ~Hugs~T

Anonymous said...

Dealing with "the hole in the soul" is the difficult work that a person has to come to on her/his own. This quote from David Sheff's book, "Beautiful Boy", says it all: ". . . the bitterest irony of sobriety – the reward for your hard work in recovery, is that you come headlong into the pain that you were trying to get away from with drugs."