Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Can't Think of a Title

I owe all of you that cared so much to express a concern or take a moment to remember our son and family an update from my last posts. Those posts expressed a dire circumstance and the times are dire. I may get in trouble from mom and I may get awfully personal in the descriptions but this is a problem that as you all know is very personal in everyone that it touches.

Last Thursday I contacted my son about spoons and needles I found in his room. He has been living with his girlfriend but was coming by to crash after he dropped her off at work. She is a very good person. She has two very nice daughters and she has been around addiction all of her life through her mother and father. That has strengthened her resolve not to let it invade her life. At times that must be very hard when you are surrounded with it as you grow up. Currently her mother is clean and I don't know anything about her father, I can only assume he is the same. Kudos to both of them. This is what makes it so hard, she says she loves the clean Alex but hates the using Alex. Alex says he loves her but I'm not sure he understands what that really is or he would be doing different things.

Back to my conversation with my son. I was not mad I was just resigned. I told him he had violated our contract, which truthfully, all along I knew he would. Finally there was buy-in from mom, I told him very calmly that we both wished him well, we knew some of the things he was doing but we were sure we didn't know it all but it was every bit as bad as you can guess from reading my last posts. I then told him that we had to take care of ourselves and it was time he made a decision. What he needed to decide was what life he wanted to live. He could either remain a part of our family and to do that he needed to begin actively working on his recovery. Do everything it takes and we would be the braces to hold him up but he had to be the one that wanted it, carried the load and he had to do the hard work required and whatever was required. His other choice was we were perfectly fine with him continuing his current lifestyle. If he wanted to use, deal or whatever we could now be OK with that decision if choose to go that way. But, we could not have that lifestyle in our life in any longer. We ask him to think of himself as being alone. Please do not come around, do not come to our home and do not even acknowledge us if we meet in public because we cannot have that, or bring that hurt into our life any longer. We told him that if he chooses that path we really do sincerely wish him well and hope he finds whatever it is he is looking for in life. That was pretty much the end of my conversation with him.

Last night we got a call from his girlfriend. First the bad news or good whatever your perspective. He is in jail again.

Now for the detail. Evidently he must have heard what I said on Thursday. His girlfriend said he was very shaken that his family had decided that they were prepared to give up on him. She said he was very thoughtful and decided to go cold turkey. She said this last weekend was terrible. I would have thought she would have took him to the hospital but I learned a long time ago you can't do what you don't know. She said he was sick, shaking worse than she had ever seen anyone, plus all the other withdrawal effects. I guess she didn't know how dangerous it is when someone does cold turkey from heroin and coke, speedballing. We wish she would have called or took him to the hospital but his is still alive. Last night she said he was feeling well enough to get out so he ask her to go to a NA meeting with him. He was driving to the meeting and he did a "rolling stop" at a stop sign. You know what happened then, yep flashing lights and outstanding warrant. They took him in. He is going to sit in jail until his next court appearance, the 28th and who knows what happens after that.

Mom and his girlfriend had a long talk last night and they both supported each other in that they would love to bail him out but they needed to let him sit for his own good but I'm sure he doesn't think it is for his own good.

His girlfriend ask Alex, "Why do you do drugs? You have everything." She said, at first his answer was, "I don't know." We've all heard that one haven't we. But she said he came back a couple days later on Sunday and said he had been thinking about it and said he doesn't like himself. I'm no psychiatrist but to me if he is serious that could be a step towards a profound experience. It all hinges on HIS next step.

A big difference is this time Mom and I know the next step is his step to take, not ours to take.

21 comments:

GG said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers

Fractalmom said...

welcome to the club "i am NOT involved in heroin any longer".

peace and serenity awaits you. prayers forthcoming.

dawn

Addiction--Mom trying to Detach with Love said...

It is good that you and Mom are on the same page, and that you allowed her the time to come to the same resolve. I feel bad this is happening to you and Mom as well as Alex. I feel that way for all of us. The best we can do is try to just take care of ourselves, it is the only thing we have control over. Much light and blessings being sent to you today.

Annette said...

I think so many, if not just about all, addicts use for that reason or something similar. They don't like themselves, they aren't comfortable int heir own skin, they have anxiety over not fitting in or being accepted or being good enough. That is very true in our situation. Why I will never know. I look at these kids and I see so much true, honest potential. I talk to my daughter and I am amazed at the solid core that is inside of her. Some real good foundational living skills there....but her fear over rides all of that much of the time. It is just so so sad to me. For all of them. I wish they could see what we see.

I am glad you and Mom are taking a stand. Hopefully it will be pushes him to dig in and deal with himself and find new solutions to what ails him.

Jake's Mom said...

I believe everything happens for a reason....perhaps this time in jail will give Alex more time to think about the coversation ya'll had and strengthen his resolve to change his life. At least while he's there it will give you and mom some time for rest as well as a little piece knowing he's okay and safe for the time being. Sometimes jail is a true blessing. I am praying for you all!!

Syd said...

Glad that you have made a boundary that will take care of you. Making a boundary for others doesn't work.

CC (Mumsicles) said...

my heart goes out to you, Dad and Mom. And I hope his time brings him to a place of determined willingness. hugs to you both.

Carolyn

Anna said...

I have never found a needle or any parafanalia in my house. I have looked and it does not make sense to me but that is the truth.

It must make you mad to find it. A needle stick could spread aids or Hep C. It is a danger to you and a violation of your safety.

Good Luck, at least he listened.

LisaC said...

The thing that is most important, in my truly humble opinion, is that you and Mom are on the same page. That support for each other means everything. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Anonymous said...

Mom and Dad, I was glad to see your recent posting. But to be honest, I knew I had to look and see how you were doing, but I dreaded looking up your blog and possibly reading horrible news. I posted the other day for the first time. (Son now 23, been addict since 16). I do know the desperate situation that you are in. You love him so much, but he is killing you at the same time. You want to protect him with every ounce of your being, but then are so angry that he is doing this to himself, and to you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your family, for my family, and I'm so sorry for our sons. That they have to deal with this. I get frustrated that my son just "can't be stronger". But I'm not an addict so I just can't understand what they are going through. Of course they are not happy with themselves, of course they feel like failures. My son has told his therapist the same thing. I hope and pray for your family and your son. I hope he chooses to live and to love. And if not, I pray that God will give us all the strength we so desperately need to endure. Bless you both. S

Heather's Mom said...

Wow! I am continuing to pray for him and for you and Mom every day. As I read this I got so hopeful - I know it's "bad" he is in jail, but in my mind it was more and more good news - he got himself physically off the drugs and now (before he could use again) has to sit until the 28th - oh I pray he is thinking about your conversation with him - oh I pray he has his profound experience... I mean HE got himself off and through the physical aspects, he also admitted maybe a reason why he is doing them - he is thinking. Maybe this time he sees all that he has to lose. I am proud of you and Mom for giving YOURSELVES the respect and honesty you deserve - b/c in no way is it easy. We can not change our kids, but if we change ourselves, they have to respond accordingly, which in itself helps them. And that's what you've done - truly helping him.
God bless you both and I'll continue my prayers for all of you.

Barbara said...

I'm glad he's in jail. Its a great place for him to be right now. Thank you for sharing this update, I think a lot of us have been worried and its good to know that he is, for the moment, safe.

Keven has said the same thing about not liking himself, he says he hates himself. Where does that come from when you have been raised in a loving home with supportive people around you all your life? I don't know.

Its good to know you and mom are on the same page. Lets hope this is "it" for Alex. If I had a dime for every time I said that about all of our addicts....I could buy you a steak dinner (no, I'd just buy you the steak and you could BBQ it!)

beachteacher said...

exactly what my son says...that he hates himself,...and the drugs have been a friend, to get him through the day, because it's otherwise too painful,....he doesn't feel like others, doesn't accept himself, doesn't feel that he fits in with people, etc.

Kim A. said...

After going thru something similar I finally let go. I quit negotiating and setting us both up. I quit being the martyr and just loved him for the whole person he is. I set boundaries and told him he would have to live elsewhere. I got my arse to 6 Al-Anon meetings a week and got my focus back on me. I can talk to him on the phone and tell him I love him now. My thoughts are with you.

VJ said...

Alex is one step closer to discovering his willingness to accept recovery. The next step is experiencing his moment of clarity. My most difficult part of this journey is staying out of my son's way and doing it in a manner that is supportive to both recovery and our relationship.

Her Big Sad said...

I echo every comment above. I am so glad that you and Mom are on the same page, though I know this is breaking your hearts. I too wonder why our kids hate themselves. Is it because they don't measure up to what they perceive is acceptable? (Perhaps an image generated by the "perfect" young people on TV, magazines, movies? Is it because of the pressure to excel in order to get into a good college? Is it that they bought into the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" thing, and thought that growing up would be ultimate freedom and fun, only to find out that work is a four-letter-word, and life is just plain HARD (no matter whether or not it's what you always wanted to be). I don't know. Everyone is right - our kids have so much potential, so much star quality! I hope Alex is given the gift of desparation, and that he comes out of this with the willingness to do what it takes. Hugs to you and Mom, I'm thinking about you guys, often!

kelly said...

I am really sorry... for all of you.. it is never easy.. it seems like we would eventually get used to it, but we never do, do we? Alex has a ton of support should he choose to get clean and work his recovery program and take comfort in knowing you will be there for him. Will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers
Hugs
Kelly

Em said...

I'm praying for all of you.

A Mom's Serious Blunder said...

I am so sorry things are not going well. It is nice to think that Alex has a girlfriend he can rely on though the ugly times. I always wonder just how long they will stick around but I am so grateful they are there. Praying for you all.

Tori said...

So sorry for what you are all including yoru son are going through. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Barbara said...

thanks AGAIN for this post