Sunday, July 12, 2009

Always Worrying About Something

 Anyone that "really" knows me, knows that I am a worrier. That's jut how I am. Worry and fret. I worry about lots of things. Worry about an old friend that no longer wants to be my friend, worrying about if I don't do something my elderly father wants help with, something will happen and I will regret it, worrying I'll disclose the truth on a lie that someone told, fearing I will spill the beans with the truth and always worrying about my son.

Since he's been in The Center I've not worried so much about him. He is safe, has shelter over his head, food to eat and people making sure he stays clean. Sounds good doesn't it, so what is there to worry about?

I know my son is a social butterfly always has been. He loves people. He loves having friends. Losing his so called "friends" from his drug days won't be easy for him. He needs to never contact them. Otherwise it will only trigger the bad habits and need for drugs. I know that he was in contact with a couple of these so called friends this week, through the internet. So, it worries me. He has come so far from the dark side. He's got two jobs, beginning to pay off his fines, he's taking care of business and clean for a few months, now. So, why would the first chance he gets would he contact them?

He and I have discussed this issue before. That he will need to lose all contact with these so called friends and get new friends. It was obvious, after this week that he isn't ready to do that. Why did he contact them? I know that he has made friendships with some of the guys at The Center and I know that he has made new friendships at his jobs. He has mentioned how excited he is about these new friendships. So, I am not sure why he felt the need to contact these old friends.

Dad says if he gets back with associating with these bad friends, there is nothing we can do about it. It is what it is! We have done our part. It is up to our son to stay clean do the right things. I know that Dad is right, and only time will tell how this all turns out.  My hope is that our son will start relying on his new friendships and let the past bad friendships, be just that, in the past. And I need to try and not to worry so much . . . 



Lou said...

My son flat out told me he cannot be around his using friends when he gets out. He knows he is too early in being sober (or trying, because right now he is locked up) and he is not strong enough.
I correspond with several of the recovery bloggers, and some used the "geographical cure." That is, they moved far away from their using area.
Getting out of rehab or jail or prison is just the start of trying to live drugs/alcohol free.

Madison said...

This sounds so simple, but if God is not bigger than the problems created by a string of horrifically bad decisions, we all have something to worry about. Rehab is a good place to make bad decisions. Counselors are usually all over it. It's not easy to have your phone ringing off the hook with exciting drug deals going down and drama and trauma to nothing. Mom to Mom, pray that God shows your son what you already know. Believe that God heard your prayer. I hope that you will write about what you learned in Family Week. Those are life-changing days.

Madison said...

Sorry, I think the Center isn't rehab. OK. Well. Ignore my comment. Hopefully, your son called his friends to say goodbye. Bless you, Mom. I'm sure you are going to Alanon. If he's out and working and trying to get it together, I'd be upset too. The other side of it is that the people who he's calling probably have parents who wish your son wasn't calling. I hate drugs.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Mom, I hear ya loud and clear...just minutes ago I was having the "friends" conversation with my sister, we are both so worried that my son will not be able to stay away from his old "friends". I am excited that he may be out of jail this week but also terrified.

Anonymous said...

Please don't take offense at what I'm about to say. It's said from a place of love. During all of my meetings there was one boy, 12 years old, that said the following: "Worry is a lack of faith in God." I wanted to yell at him initially but the more I meditated on his words, the more I saw the truth of his statement. Out of the mouths of babes. :0) Hugs to you. Hang in there because I'm living proof that we do recover.

Athena said...

It's true, can't stop him from contacting the user friends... but without that common ground of drugs, the contacts will be less and less important to him? I'm sure there's a mourning type process for giving up taht way of life

I would think that if he is staying clean and working, the contact with user friends will slowly die off - I know in my daughter's case, it really seems that heroin, etc is all they really have in common.

Hoping your social butterfly can let them go, and increase contact with positive friends... Sometime social butterflies are also the eagerest to "fit in" and are susceptible to peer pressure - hoping he wants to fit in with the right group now :-)

clean and crazy said...

hi mom, it is so good to hear your words. i don't know what to say really just wanted to share some of my experience, strength and hope with you.
i stopped using dope, i shot up ice, on january 8th 2005. it is also elvis's birthday, so it is kind of a cool clean date to have. does your son have a clean date? does he belong to a fellowship preferable NA? for me i did not want to go to NA. i went to a place called ASK. and they sent me to NA. i was like what is that more counseling? and they said no it is a bunch of addicts who help each other stay clean. i was like no way i just got robbed by a bunch of addicts, they are like cockroaches
when the lights come on. the second i went to jail they raided my house and took everything but the rats!!!

my counselor tried to tell me they were people who did not use anymore and lived happy lives. i said there is no such thing as a happy addict who is not using drugs. anyway it was around july of 05 i finally went to a meeting of NA and you know what it was the best thing i ever did.
and here is the thing, i didn't leave where i lived, i don't know why i just didn't call those people and you know the house was just up the block from my moms house where i went to stay. i don't know why we, addicts, would call old friends my counselor called them "frenemies". but it is like there is a comfort in the pain, a familiarity and it is hard to unlearn what we as using addicts have taught ourselves. some things are low self esteem and hanging around like minded people helps fill that void. i hope he finds a good strong NA meeting, if you go to you can find local meetings and events in your area. i believe you are in the mo-kan area of NA and i believe terry is the guy that sells the area literature there. there are so many campouts in NA and there is dances and recovery fests, i mean there is a lot of fun and friends to be made. there is this online internet radio station called euphoria recovery radio. they play NA speaker tapes 24 hours a day. i listen when i can't get to a meeting and it gets me out of my head. also there is this online forum called in the rooms and it is full of fellowship people from aa to ca to al-anon all twelve step recovery. so maybe these things will give you some suggestions to help keep him busy when he doesn't want to only think about work or if he is not ready for step work, it could keep him focused on the solution. because for me the real change came when i started some real step work with a sponsor. take care i think i have rambled on long enough. and you know i heard that saying that "worry is a lack of faith" and i kind of disagree with it, i feel it is a test of rather then a lack of and what i do with that gives me a stronger faith. we moms always worry, but as strong as we are i don't think the word "lack" belongs in our faith, i think it is a mom thing. that is just my opinion.

ChaiLatte said...

Hugs from another worrying mom... I've already made up my mind that my son can't return to our hometown after rehab, as the lure of "friends," will be too strong and he'll relapse. Having said that, I also know that I can't control whether he comes back to the area or not- that will be up to him. Just as it will be up to him whether he works his program and finds healthy friends- or not. I do know that my worrying doesn't help either of us! Thank you for sharing what's on your mind, I hope it helps you to blog about it. About all we can do is continue loving them and supporting their recovery, the rest is up to them. Hang in there.

Gin said...

Hang in there Mom. Worrying is a hard thing to keep under control. I know this is especially true when it comes to your kids and I imagine it is 100 times more when you are in the situation that your family is in. I think it's great that you blog about it because hopefully that will help you to release some of your worries and then you have great people like the others that have commented to help you with their experiences. Hang in there!

Fractalmom said...

the absolute only way to let go of the worry is to detach, with love. it is very hard to do.

I haven't quite made it. I did the detachment alright, but the love part is giving me many problems, as you all know well LOL.

the thing is about addicts, and, to me, the most IMPORTANT thing Nar Anon taught me is the three C's.

I didnt' CAUSE this
I cannot CURE this
I cannot CONTROL this.

the second most hard thing to do is realize where the line between facilitating recovery and enabling is.

There are aguments on both sides. Basically, to me anything that bails a child out of a consequence relating to drug use/sales/behavior is enabling.

If they get arrested, leave them in jail. If they get evicted, leave them to sleep in a homeless shelter. If they spend their money on food, leave them to go hungry, do not feed them. If they sell their car for drugs, or wreck it stoned, let them walk.

I don't think any addict ever reaches bottom until they are totally and completely responsible for every single action of theirs.

Interestingly enough, another forum I am on, a son got out of rehab. The parents had finally pulled the plug on literally everything. The counselor said, "but he has no where else to go except back to the crack house'. the parents held strong, the son went back to the crack house.....

and stayed clean. In the midst of everyone he knew using. In the midst of crack everywhere. In the hardest possible recovery conditions.

and, is clean to this day, 4 years later. He has a full time job, a new wife, a beautiful child...a car....

there IS hope out there, but unfortunately it ONLY comes from within the addict themselves.

Something us parents can NEVER give them. They either will return to the values and morals and upbringing we gave them, or they will not.

It is in the hands of of God and the addict. Not in the hands of the mothers who love, or the fathers who anger, or the siblings who suffer, or the children who lives are incredibly messed up.

As always, just my opinion.

Syd said...

I hope that he will do what he needs to do to develop a more powerful relationship with his HP and with the program of recovery. The other parts of living life will come from those.

mother of drug addict said...

Mom- from one mom to another :
My daughter is 8 months clean doing great though still in rehab but ready to move on to transitional housing and she still says its hard to start over with NO friends. We tell her that they are not her friends and that she will make more but that is a hard concept to grasp for her. I kinda understand that having noone seems hard but it is something she has to do, i tried explaining that IF they were her friends where were they when she got was in jail and the hospital numerous times? Her counslers tell her the same thing. All we as mothers can do is keep reinforcing that there are good people out there that can have fun without the drugs. I wish you and Dad the best!!

sKILLz said...

I agree. He needs to not even think about them.
I am willing to bet there weren't even REAL friends, just running buddies, people who you just run around with getting high. Trying to get money to get high and so on..
Personally the "geographical cure" is not the way to go either because there are drugs where ever you go.
If A person wants to get high then will find drugs on Mars if needed, believe me. I have tried it all, seen it all, know it all...
I'm not a fucking genius, I just know all the ways and "tricks" and so on...
Hope all is well,
Stay Up!

Anonymous said...

....sigh....I feel as if we are livin the same life as a parent ......I sometimes worry that people (on the outside ) will think of my detachment as ...disinterest....but I know that if I get so deathly sick over worrying about my 19 year old still doesn't accomplish anything... Walking away from an alcoholic husband of 23 years ,4 years ago. ..hard as it was .. doesn't EVEN begin to compare to detachment from an addicted son or daughter....Every day I try to think of a good day with my son to replace the bad days we have had....and try not to dwell on the "if onlys" and "shoulda couldas".