A Little Housekeeping

1.   Tuesday and Wednesday I will again be speaking to students at Basehor Linwood High School. As always anyone that wants to join me in these classes let me know and I will make the arrangements and get you the times.

2.   The Partnership at Drugfree.org and Major League Baseball Charities are still looking for coach and player nominations for this years Play Healthy Awards. If you know a coach or player that exemplifies the play healthy and drug free message in their words and actions nominate them for this award. Winners receive a trip to New York City, tickets to the Partnership Gala at Gotham Hall, $500 gift certificate to a sporting goods store, a plaque identifying their award and national recognition.

Here is a link to the nomination process and forms: http://playhealthy.drugfree.org/Awards/Awards.aspx

This is the real deal. I nominated Susan Mayberry a couple years ago and she was the national coach winner. http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2011/10/congratulations-susan-mayberry.html

3.   If the notice to be with me to talk to students tomorrow and Wednesday is too short I will also be speaking to students at Shawnee Mission West on November 26 and students at Shawnee Mission East on December 6.

I Just Don't Get It

I saw a post by someone on Facebook about addiction and just not getting it.

I just don't get it, I've used pain killers before and I never got addicted. I just used them while I needed them and when my recovery was over I wasn't addicted I just stopped taking them.

How many of you have heard that before? I sure have, in fact when I was first involved with this stuff and my son I said it many times. It took a long time to come up with logic that I could understand for myself to grasp addiction versus the beneficial use of many drugs that destroy so many lives.

I come to a personal understanding slowly but it finally sunk in after much heartache and deliberation. Not everyone gets to have that experience and has that much time. How do you explain it to the friend or acquaintance that wonders why, "Why don't they just quit? It's that simple."

Once I was having this discussion with a friend who is a retired professional athlete. He questioned, "I took many painkillers in my professional career. I never got addicted. There were many times on Mondays I could hardly move after a game. I took the pills and I could go to practice and see the trainer. When I stopped playing the game I no longer needed the pain killers like I did when playing and I just didn't take them any more."

I knew that I had a very few words I could use to explain this without losing him. He is a very smart man but no one sits still for a bunch of medical and complicated explanations, not even me. I had to relate addiction to something in my life and his life that made sense to his paradigm.

My friend is a hunter, like me, but his passion for hunting is times ten to mine. That provided the perfect scenario. My explanation went like this:

We both hunt. I mainly hunt pheasant and quail, upland birds. You hunt waterfowl, deer, elk, bears and turkey. Your real passion is turkey's. If you took me turkey hunting before the frost we would never see a bird. I would sit there sniffling, sneezing, wiping my eyes and squirming like a kid in the waiting room of a doctors office. That is because I have hay fever. Hay fever is a recognized medical condition. I am allergic to the pollen. It affects me drastically. But, you can walk in the woods and fields endlessly while the pollen invades your nose, eyes and mouth. Your body has no adverse reaction, it handles the pollen and you go on your way.

Think of the different reactions we both have to the same thing. Now translate that over to those painkillers. You used what you needed and it was over. Now think of a person addicted to the same pills. That persons body handles those drugs differently than yours, maybe you might say they are allergic to those substances. Just as your body handles pollen differently than mine. Something in their body trips a trigger that makes it nearly impossible to stop using them. They become addicted to the same thing you and I can take and stop easily, they can't live without them. Addiction then becomes a disease just as hay fever is for me and as much as I would LOVE to go turkey hunting with you I know that I cannot go to that place without suffering a reaction that is miserable to me.

That simple conversation was the beginning of my friends understanding that drugs addicts aren't just low life criminals and that they are sick people and need help.

I have used this explanation many times and it seems to work for most people. In fact I even advised my own son when he goes to the doctor and fills out the long medical questionnaires when it asks if he is allergic to any medications, I told him to put down any type of opiate based painkiller as his answer.

Our friends, family and aquaintances don't need long winded scientific explanations about addiction and the disease model. We must find ways that allow them to discover our reality without suffering through the special hell we all know so well.

It's A Man Thing

Parents of an addict??? Parents is plural. It assumes two people, a man and woman, two men or two women. Sometimes in reality it means more, step parents become included and then there are grandparents functioning as parents. This disease touches so many very close loved ones that feel so much responsibility.

This post is about a dad. A dad that thought the plan was laid and implementation steps were in place. Milestones marked our progress. The track was straight and we were riding together. Then came drugs.

There came a time when living a life of honor was only a dream, watching a son barely survive and nearly die made me appreciate the simple fact he was alive.

My emotional state was slipping away nearly as fast as I saw my sons life slipping away. Of course as a man I was to handle things and fix not only him but in my spare time fix myself too. That's a man thing. Of course there was no way I could recognize my own limits, I could do anything I set my mind to do, not just for myself but for others too.

It's a man thing, asking for help and looking for help is not in my nature. Finally there comes a time when you are beaten into submission. If I don't take care of myself I can't be that man for anyone, not my son, not my wife, not my other kids, not anyone.

My way was to write this blog. I had gone to meetings and talked to counselors but that didn't work for me at that time. This was my therapy.

I read blogs, read comments, read emails and by a large margin most are written by mothers. Of course there are significant exceptions, Syd, Dean, Mike, and some others but mostly it is mothers.

It's a man thing. We don't talk about our fears and feelings. But I will tell every mother and wife out there that we are just as scared as you.

It can be a man thing to talk or write to others about how you feel and what is working and what isn't. There are other men that can relate to your experiences that are just as manly and just as controlling as you. From experience, it helps.

Dad, you are not alone and it does work when you let others help with the load. All of us are stronger than any one of us.

PTSD

Yesterday Annette posted on her blog about a family wedding and seeing her two kids drink. She said it bothered her greatly and after the wedding she was very emotional about the episode. Her kids did not get drunk but it was just the fact of a joyful occasion and seeing them drink was upsetting.

It's best if you go to her page and read her experience. She writes it very well. And chronicles what she needed to help herself.

I made a comment about PTSD. I know, I can hear you all now, quite a diagnosis from someone 1000 miles away. However I feel I am very qualified. Probably most all of you have a copy of my diplomas and degrees hanging in your bathroom, they come in 500 sheet rolls.

Parenting an addict or loved one is a traumatic experience. Being raised in an alcoholic household has a long lasting effect. I spoke to a friend and she related how she feels even today after 30 years when things are out of hand and a male raises his voice.

Not to minimize the effects of war on soldiers but all of us can suffer the effects of trauma on us very deeply when such an emotional event goes on for such a long time.

I have my own experiences. When I speak to other parents especially parents new to experiencing the effects of drugs and addiction on their child........it's hard and sometimes impossible to keep my own emotions in check. Feelings of fear and hurt take over even after years of sobriety by my son and thousands of words written by me about taking care of myself and detaching.

Long ago I wrote about putting those memories in a box in the closet. I related to Annette that at times my box is opened. I also said something yesterday in my comment about "I don't know how to throw away the box." I have been doing a lot of thinking about those words since I wrote them to her.

In reflection, I never want to throw away that box. Even with as terrible all those things in that box are they are me. It's not like I want to live in that box again but I want it to always be a part of my life. The pain hurt terribly and I would never choose to do it again but an important lesson learned is that I can if I must. Growth occurred with that life, not just for me but also with Darlene.

PTSD, yes I was traumatized. I still feel the effects. Being aware allows me to heal. The flashbacks and pain doesn't go away, I learn how to deal with it and know what it is doing as it occurs.

I see it sometimes in Alex too. Yesterday in a casual conversation something was mentioned about jail. The look on his face and his immediate response, "I never want to hear that door close behind me ever as long as I live."

Later in the evening I was thinking about his response and look. It dawned on me that he got what I was saying over and over for seven years of his using. "Son, please live a life of honor." HE GETS IT.......a life of honor, raising his family, paying his bills, working, no lies, no stealing, living and loving......a life of honor, he is living it every day.

I Want My Life Back

"I want my life back." said the parent of an addict.

Have you ever said that or felt it? I did many times. Darlene use to say, "This is not the life I signed up for." Why can't it just go back to what it was before drugs? It's easy to feel that as the parent of an addict.

We went to sleep many nights asking those questions. Wondering where our son was and what he was doing, those were the thoughts driven by the fear. We just wanted it to all go away.

The day finally comes and drugs left our life.

In the beginning nothing changes. Fear is still the overriding emotion. Fear that the monster is still just around the corner. Our heart wants the joy and happiness of drugfree but our head understands the reality that the monster is still just around the corner.

So much you want to trust and come back to a normal life but you know better. How many times our hopes were dashed by that needle and we spiral back into the pit just as our son.

It's been three years since that day arrived that we hoped for so long. Honestly, not a day goes by that I still don't think of the horror. But it does not shape my life in the way it did while Alex was using.

A tough fact that I have learned is that you don't get your life back. There is no going back to the way it was before drugs. Our son was changed, but we were changed too.

It's easy to long for the past but the future is what allows us to grow. As every parent knows you are forever a father and mother. Those connections cannot be broken but they are re-routed in our life. For some it is impossible to maintain close ties but for us we kept ties close. This was Alex's choice.

Learning to be the parent of an addict in recovery is a hard road. You still have to think and be aware that the world is different. You don't put away the books or stop talking to others on the same road. But most importantly, you must learn to take care of yourself throughout the whole experience of active addiction and recovery.

I'll leave this post with one statement and two questions.

There is no going back, your world has been forever changed.

Knowing how much you love your child, if drugs completely left your child's life today are you healthy enough mentally and physically that you could help them in the right way when they need help?

What are you doing to prepare for that day?

Catch Up Time

End of July and beginning of August has been a tough month here on the home front. So much going on and no time to take care of myself. But without a little self time I get to be a grouchy old guy. There is a lot to share, many good stories and I will try to do my best.

First of all the funerals and memorials are over, for now. Four deaths in 10 days was a bit tough. Two separate trips to western KS plus two in the greater KC area can wear you out.

My trip to New York for training with folks at The Partnership and The Center for Motivation and Change was exciting and enlightening. I am excited to become a part of a special group of parents working to help other parents.

It was so intimidating being in this group. There were parents that have lost their child to addiction. Parents that are working with state and federal governments and making a difference getting laws changed for our addicted children. There were parents that were directors non-profits helping our children. And then there was me, just a parent that got thrown into a world he never knew existed and pushed into a life I never asked for.

The dedication and knowledge of these other parents left me in awe of them and many times close to tears.

I found a picture on facebook of the parent group:

The training was intense. Learning new ways to listen, learning new ways to ask questions to help parents, learning new ways share my own story. This old dog struggled at times but he did learn a couple of new tricks.

I visited The Partnership offices. Got to meet the whole team. These are people that work every day at helping parents and loved ones of addicts. It was quite a humbling experience. To think that so many years ago when we brought Alex home from the hospital after an overdose and reality set in that he had a "real" problem we jumped online for help and The Partnership site popped up. Little could I comprehend one day I would be standing in those offices meeting those wonderful people. Everyone was so nice and taking pictures. I was so excited I forgot to have them take pictures with my phone too.  Becky has many pics, I need to have them share them with me. Here is one picture I did get with my phone.

Denise and Jerry let me sit in on a parent helpline phone call. I talk to a lot of parents on the phone myself but sitting there for 15 minutes and listening to two people do this that really know what they are doing, well I'll just say what an experience. I learned so much on helping just by listening. Thank you Denise and Jerry. If you need to talk to someone that can help you, call them at the Parent Helpline, 1-855-DRUGFREE.

I think I may have created a slight reputation for myself in New York at the training. Keep in mind this training was being conducted by several very smart people with PhD's from the Center for Motivation and Change including Jeff Foote, executive director and co-founder. Plus many of Partnership people are very highly educated in psychology and addiction. Judy expressed her feelings as did many of us about our ability to grasp all of this and pass it along effectively. She said what maybe many of us felt, "All of these PhD's and we are just parents....."

Out of my mouth came the first of what Jeff began to refer to as "Ron ism's". Here are some for your enjoyment or disgust, whatever is your pleasure. I didn't create these I just shared these.

Ron ism's

PhD -- PhD stands for Piled Higher and Deeper. "Someone with a PhD on their name just means their bullshit is Piled higher and Deeper than my bullshit."

Sitting in a wooden chair while PhD's talk too long about what we are doing. -- "The mind can absorb only what the ass can endure, it is time for a break."

Three days of training, does that mean we are now fully qualified as a "Shithouse Therapist", t-shirts need to be printed.

Not sure if I will be invited back. LOL They should have known what they were getting into by having me there. I'm sure none of you regular readers are surprised.

Partnership Posting

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has published another one of my essays. It is the one about I wish I had learned to listen sooner.

You all seemed to like that post and made a lot of nice comments so I thought I'd share it more widely.

What I Wish I Had Done Differently with My Addicted Son

Trying to Get Back to Normal

It's been a trying two weeks. All of the funeral and memorial services are complete. Sometimes you just don't want to get out of bed.

I apologize to all. I haven't been reading blogs or answering emails. Just one wise crack on Madyson's blog. If all I can manage in a week is one smart ass comment you all know I am out of sorts.

I have promised an update to my training in New York. Honestly it was quite good but I am not ready to write about it yet. In my present mood I can't put the right words together. Need to take some of the advice of all the PhD's teaching the class and take care of myself first. Just a teaser, a few things I had to say became known as "Ron ism's". I'll share them later so be sure to keep coming back. I met a whole bunch of wonderful people doing a whole lot of great things for parents and young addicted people. I want you to meet them all.

and, The Bad News Keeps On Coming

On Sunday morning while I was in New York at the CRAFT training The Partnership set up I got news that another cousin died at 6:30am.

Darin found out not long ago he had cancer. It is another very sad time. He was a another young man with much life to live and love to share. Darin was 48 years old.

I'll post about my experiences in New York later. Not just my impressions of NYC, this was my first experience in the city. But more importantly about what I learned and how exciting it is to be a part of this initiative. I truly believe this is going to help many, many parents and their children that suffer at the hands of this monster

Some Weeks Aren't Good

Last week was one of those weeks. We got three phone calls telling us that family members and a friend had died.

Darlene's cousin had been fighting cancer for a while. He was 54 years old. On Tuesday and Wednesday evenings we spent them in the ICU waiting room. On Wednesday evening after we left Tim gave up the fight. We got a call. He was a double cousin to Darlene. Tim's mother and father were brother and sister to Darlene's mother and father. (damn cigarettes again)

On Thursday morning I got a call from a friend telling me that Marti, a friend, had died unexpectedly Wednesday night. This was a shocking call, he was only 52 years old.

Then early Saturday morning my uncle called and told me that my aunt, his sister, from Wichita died Friday night. She was 89 years old. Aunt Gladys was my dad's sister.

All weekend I was hoping the phone would not ring again. Now this week is filled with two funerals and for Tim there is a memorial service scheduled in August.

The Impact of Drugs on Us

Next week I leave for New York. I have been asked to take part in some special training for a few Parent Support Network volunteers. I feel proud that I have been asked to take part in this program. I’ll give you all a complete report when I return.

I have been doing some thinking lately about the impact of drugs on our nation in a real life scenario. Truthfully, the more I think the more disturbed I become. However, I am beginning to understand more clearly our current national drug policy and beginning to realize why it isn’t working.

Feel free to disagree with me. I’m going to be sharing observations and self conclusions but most of all a bunch of opinions. I’d love to hear any dissenting opinions or observations you have noticed.

In no particular order are my thoughts based purely upon anecdotal evidence. I’m not going to dig up a bunch of empirical data and studies. (I’ve never been one to let facts confuse me or get in the way of my beliefs.  lol)

Friends and acquaintances in law enforcement tell me, with frustration, that probably 75% of their work involves people using or abusing drugs and alcohol. What impact on law enforcement would it have if there were suddenly no more issues with drugs and alcohol? Imagine 75% less law enforcement, 75% less attorneys, judges and courts. Imagine 75% less people in prison and 75% less prisons and correctional officers. Imagine 75% less parole officers and no drug testing centers. What happens when drugs are no longer smuggled into our country?

What happens to the DEA and all of the other alphabet soup federal agencies devoted to drug and alcohol interdiction, regulation and prosecution? How dependent has our nation become upon the tax monies brought in by the sale alcohol and drugs? What about all the monies we give to other nations to help extinguish the supply of drugs to our addicts, how much do we save?

With 75% less crime would we feel security systems and monitoring companies in our homes were a requirement along with security bars on our windows? How much less would our home insurance cost?

Without drug and alcohol issues what happens to the recovery community and recovery industry? How many less hospitals would be required? I know a person that is an ICU nurse that says at least half of her patients are overdose related. How many less prescription medications would be produced if they were only used for legitimate purposes? How far down could we drive health care costs?

With no driving while impaired or under the influence how many less automobile accidents would happen? How much less would our car insurance cost? How many less body shops and auto repair centers would be required?

I’ve always been told that when you see something that doesn’t make sense to “FOLLOW THE MONEY”. If that cliché has any validity what does our current methodology for dealing with drug and alcohol issues in our nation say to you and me? Are we so vested in our current system and war on drugs that it becomes impossible to seek other strategies in working the problem? Are there sectors of our economy so dependent on our war on drugs and war on drug addicts that it is in their vested interest to maintain our current failing system? Is that what makes it so hard to explore other trains of thought besides legal versus illegal?

There are a whole lot of questions here, not many answers. All I know is from my experiences what we are doing now isn’t working well. We can’t throw out an entire system without something else in place and it is impossible to turn this ship on a dime. Maybe it’s time for a bunch of people a whole lot smarter than I to take the helm.

This is a problem that affects us all no matter if you are a parent of an addict or someone that is lucky enough not to have this monster visit your family or friends. This is a problem that is so devastating on the personal level it is nearly impossible to view it in a holistic manner. The tentacles are too large and touch too much.

All I know for sure is that as long as addiction and alcoholism is stigmatized and shamed in the manner it is now we will be in lockstep to the methodology currently employed to battle these monsters. 

What are your thoughts?

Your Morning Chuckle

This weekend I am having my 40th high school reunion. True confession is that this is the first reunion I have gone too since our 5 year reunion.

Ours was a very large graduating class, over 800 students. Probably many of you would find it hard to believe today but when I was in high school I was the wall. I was quiet and shy. I wasn't someone that made any waves or did much socially.  Guess I worked my way out of that quiet and shy stage.

One of my classmates that I actually went all they way through school with from 1st to 12th grade posted a picture of me from 4th grade on Facebook. Thought maybe I would share it here so you all can get a chuckle worldwide. Feel free to laugh out loud.

Another Mom and Dad

Please welcome this mother. She just found out that her daughter is a heroin addict. She needs us just as we need her.

Track Marks On My Daughter

New House

For those that might be curious here is a picture of Alex and Kristy's new home. They are all moved in and have the boxes unpacked. (It would be nice to have the energy of youth again.)

This a a very nice home in which they can grow as a family. All of the kids have their own bedroom and it has a very large family room. The kitchen is large with solid walnut wood cabinets. The previous owner or someone was like me, a woodworker. The kitchen, window ledges and balusters for the stairs have all been replaced with walnut wood.

Another 4th of July in the Books

Another 4th has come and gone. There are bittersweet memories because July 4th was my dad's birthday. There are always memories from this day long ago that rise up from so long ago. One of those memories is using my dad's cigarette to light firecrackers.

We had our usual day of blowing things up here on the Grover homestead. No one got hurt which is a good thing. We always have plenty of burn spray and a first aid kit at the ready. Just those statements should tell me that we may need to do something different but I think the friends and family would come here even if we were gone.

Once again we have little ones playing. For a while the kids coming over were older and bigger, now we have little ones again Brooke, Tyler and Owen. Plus there were several other little ones. They played in the water and had plenty of freedom to do whatever they wanted. Tyler ran everywhere, I was with Owen and decided to let him go, he walked and crawled over 200 feet just going as fast has he could. Guess freedom is one of the reasons they all like coming to Grammy's and Papas. But maybe all the cookies, homemade ice cream and Bomb Pops have something to do with it too. It's funny how even the adults want a red, white and blue Bomb Pop on the 4th of July. Everyone is allowed to be as young as they want to be at my house.

No disasters like a few years ago. Recovering From The 4th of July There was even people talking about that year yesterday. Closest we came to it this year was an hour before everyone was to arrive the power went out and a call to Westar Energy resulted in being informed that it could be out 3-6 hours. However, they were able to get it back on just before everyone arrived.

We all have have starts and stops at times when we try to do things. Mom and Alex talked about the new stop smoking commercials on TV. The one were the lady named Terri has to use a machine in her throat to speak spoke to them. Alex has been free of cigarettes for 30 days. My wish is that Tyler never has a memory of using his dad's cigarette to light a firecracker.

I Have To Pinch Myself Sometimes

On Friday at 9am Alex closes on his house.

Sometimes I find my fingers striking keys on this keyboard that I never dreamed would be strung together in a sentence. Just shows me how limiting my dreams can be when they are applied to someone else. That's a good lesson for myself, allow each person to be all they can be and who knows, you may be surprised.

I always had high expectations for my kids. I kinda see the flaw in that thinking now. Nothing wrong with high expectations for them but allowing their success or falling short of those expectations cannot define me.

Monday poor little Tyler broke his toe and had to get a couple of stitches. I expected to go down there to visit him last night and find him limping and curled up on the couch being a hurt little baby. When we drove up he was sitting in a chair on the front porch with his daddy. He smiled and got down as if there was no bandage and big protective sock on his foot. He ran, not limped over to the toy box pulled out his bat and ball and immediately threw the ball to grandpa. He wanted play ball. Once again my preconceived expectations were less than what was real and possible.

Before we left Alex was sitting alone on the couch and I said to him, "Son, I am proud of you. What you have done in just a couple years well......I would never have dreamed. I am proud."

His response, "Thank you, I couldn't have done it without you guys."

Heart in throat moment.

Urban Outfitters

On May 1st I posted about Urban Outfitters selling prescription drug themed merchandise and asking them to discontinue this line of products. I ask you all for help.

Here is a press release issued by Urban Outfitters about discontinuing this line of merchandise!!!

Thank you ALL for your help and letters.

Interesting Video Of Facts About Pregnancy and Drugs

Here is an interesting video of facts concerning drug abuse and pregnancy. I am not endorsing the rehab center attached but I thought the statistics were interesting.

http://12palmsrecoverycenter.com/blog/the-effect-of-drugs-on-pregnancy-video-infographic/

Partnership Posting

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has posted another one of my essays on their website. Feel free to check it out.

From Discovery To Recovery: My Emotional Journey As The Parent Of An Addict

Milestones

Effective today, June 10, 2013 Alex is no longer under ANY government control. He has met and satisfied all probation (early) and he is no longer under probation for ANYONE. He has paid off all of his fines.

For every parent or addict out there reading this, there is life after. BELIEVE! Believe in yourself and make it happen. There is no one too far gone that they can't accept recovery. Parents or addict, it can happen for you. Day by day hope and love is all around.