"I want my life back." said the parent of an addict.
Have you ever said that or felt it? I did many times. Darlene use to say, "This is not the life I signed up for." Why can't it just go back to what it was before drugs? It's easy to feel that as the parent of an addict.
We went to sleep many nights asking those questions. Wondering where our son was and what he was doing, those were the thoughts driven by the fear. We just wanted it to all go away.
The day finally comes and drugs left our life.
In the beginning nothing changes. Fear is still the overriding emotion. Fear that the monster is still just around the corner. Our heart wants the joy and happiness of drugfree but our head understands the reality that the monster is still just around the corner.
So much you want to trust and come back to a normal life but you know better. How many times our hopes were dashed by that needle and we spiral back into the pit just as our son.
It's been three years since that day arrived that we hoped for so long. Honestly, not a day goes by that I still don't think of the horror. But it does not shape my life in the way it did while Alex was using.
A tough fact that I have learned is that you don't get your life back. There is no going back to the way it was before drugs. Our son was changed, but we were changed too.
It's easy to long for the past but the future is what allows us to grow. As every parent knows you are forever a father and mother. Those connections cannot be broken but they are re-routed in our life. For some it is impossible to maintain close ties but for us we kept ties close. This was Alex's choice.
Learning to be the parent of an addict in recovery is a hard road. You still have to think and be aware that the world is different. You don't put away the books or stop talking to others on the same road. But most importantly, you must learn to take care of yourself throughout the whole experience of active addiction and recovery.
I'll leave this post with one statement and two questions.
There is no going back, your world has been forever changed.
Knowing how much you love your child, if drugs completely left your child's life today are you healthy enough mentally and physically that you could help them in the right way when they need help?
What are you doing to prepare for that day?
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12 comments:
My son is on the road to recovery and has a close relationship with my husband (his father) but I don't know how to have even a basic conversation with him. I'm so closed off in order to protect myself and that is hurting me too. I honestly don't know how to navigate this road.
Great post, Ron. Maybe love is the answer--love of self and having a spirituality that means I can love others without minding their business. I can only speak from my experience.
Syd, You are so right. That was something I learned from your writings so long ago.
Awesome post Ron.
All of that.... is so true. I think I know how to help, well I am doing it, the right way I hope or at least what feels right to me.
Loved the post Ron. I simply stay out of his way now and it is working for me and I think for him.
good useful post every one to know whats going on.
You are so right Ron... There is no going back, my world has been changed forever. My son has been in prison for 1 year now, and has been clean for 1 year. He is healthy, stronger and preparing for his future when he is released, in 2015. For now I am taking care of myself, and have developed an emotional detachment from him. I secretly fear the day he gets his freedom....
I have read this post a couple of times. My son has been in recovery over a year and a half, doing ok from what I see. Living in another state own apartment working paying rent. So he never ever calls house phone his number comes up on caller ID last night about 9;30 we are all in bed mind you. My heart races I can feel my face flush, my mind going into a spin..REALLY when might this stop or lessen? What am I doing?????? Meetings, talking to close friend that is experiencing a similar situation, counseling, yoga, reading, trying to work on me but can't seem to get that uneasy feeling out of my mind and body! So not sure..how helpful I am or could be to him
This is so true Ron. Really good post. A few days ago our son called his dad for advise. He's coming up on 2 years and it is so nice for his dad to answer the phone and not feel like his son needs something from him. He just wanted a little fatherly advise. This was a long time coming. Grateful for progress in all our lives.
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