Heroin In The Suburbs

Last night ABC News did a segment on the importing of heroin and the targeting by dealers of the suburbs. If you didn't see it here is a link.

http://abcnews.go.com/WN/heroin-suburbs-rise/story?id=10230269

Here is the second part of that series:

http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/heroin-heartland-10245066

In or Out, Make A Decision

Another night of drama as parents of an addict.

I am leaving. The proverbial straw has broken this camel's back. I will no longer live in hell. I am moving, my forwarding address will be the same place I lived before all this crap began.

At some point everyone reaches their limit, mine was last night. My son either lives an honorable life beginning right now or I want to no longer be a part of his life. I cannot go on with this charade and trying to be a father to someone that holds no respect for his life, my life, his mother's life or for anyone he touches.

It is now up to him. He can either continue down the same path, in which he shall walk alone or he can change his life. I don't how he does it or what it will take but he is responsible.

When I told him of his option his response was, "I didn't know I had been that bad."

??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't even respond.

Never thought I would lose a son this way.



This is not the post I had planned to write today. I had planned to list some helpful books I had been reading. That post will be coming soon.

Copyright Issue?

There has been something happened this last week that bothered me and now a comment has been made about it on my last post. I'd like to ask some of you other bloggers how you handle the issue.

Many of you re-post and link to our blog. I consider that an honor when someone does that. Many have even directly copy and pasted from me and linked that is absolutely no problem as I know you are trying to help others or yourself and they are being used appropriately. Please feel free to continue to do what you have been doing in the past.

However, when I was ask to write for The Partnership I had to become aware that I was writing for someone else's site and I had to respect the copyright issues they have, although they have told me I can use them as I need. A couple of months ago I found another site had copied and pasted my 7 Truths article to their site on the forums. I became a member of the forums and tried to participate in helping others. When I tried to post the links to the original articles the owner/moderator threatened to ban me and would not allow links to original posts. She then ask me to copy and paste the articles from The Partnership site to her site without crediting or linking to the original post and site. That's fine, it's their site so I thought it would be best to part ways and remind them of copyright law and ask them to remove my copied articles. Now I've been accused of being selfish, not willing to help others and who knows what else. Actually that's their problem not mine.

My question, how do other bloggers handle copyright issues about their sites and posts?

Anger and Compassion

How do you deal with both of these two emotions at the same time. After last weekend I am just now beginning to calm down enough to organize my thoughts.

Why am I angry? He's an addict, he relapses. Been there done that enough of the last 6 years I should be used to it, right? Yea, I can handle the relapse, I get mad we holler and cuss and it is over. We recognize he has a disease and at times the disease flares up and he doesn't control himself. But last weekend pissed me off. This is not the first time he has taken his mothers medication she needed because she was ill. The first time it was after her surgery and he took her pain medication the day after her surgery. This time it was cough syrup. Sometimes I don't get it, how does anyone addicted or not take medicine from a sick person? I get the stealing money and things but I am having trouble getting over this one.

He came home the other day for one day. He finally admitted he had shot up a couple times before he took the medicine. I didn't use an angry tone in questioning him but I was stern. His girlfriend had told us things about his using, even in a time of admission he still lies.

One more time it is, "I'm not doing this again." I was just weak the situations presented themselves and I did it before thinking. WAKE UP!!! The situations will present themselves for the rest of your life. Disease or no disease you still must learn to tell yourself NO. Fact of life: the world will not change because you have a disease.

He made it obvious he resents me writing and speaking about this subject. One comment he made was that; "Why don't you understand this you're the addiction expert?" No, I'm not an addiction expert. The truth is I am addiction ignorant. My expertise born of experience is living with and parenting an addict. That's what I write and speak about. My writing and speaking is about us and our life, it's not about you. I'm not sure he understood the difference. Anyway, I'm going to be like an addict, I'll stop writing and speaking when I want to stop not when someone else tells me too.

His girlfriend and friend he grew up with, whom he is living with now, gave him the ultimatum. Do it again and your out. If that works great. Mom and I have reconciled we are not motivators in his life. If someone else can help that gets him where we all want him to go. He says he is committed, but???? Anyone living with an addict, I don't have to explain the last incomplete sentence.

I'm back to having an understanding that our oversight with Mom's medicine may have been too much but I'm not in place where I accept it is Mom and Dad's fault.

New Partnership Posting

The Partnership For A Drug Free America has posted another of my essay's.

How appropriate they post this one right now, we need it. I wrote it and submitted it a few weeks ago. It really fits into our weekend. The title of it is:

My Son’s Addiction: What “Is” vs. What “Ought To Be”

It's Baaaaaack

Remember the movie The Poltergeist. The little girl is sitting in front of the TV and the screen is just fuzzy snow, the sound is only a buzz. You don't know what is going to happen but you know the demon is stalking and the family is going to dragged through hell again by this demon.

Last night we spent 3.5 hours in the emergency room. Our son overdosed. This time it was codeine.

Mom has been sick for about a month. A severe sinus infection and it had migrated to her lungs and she had bronchitis. She went to the doctor twice in the last two weeks. That indicates how bad she was, if the coroner was standing over her body she would be saying she would be saying, its' OK, just give m time I'll get better on my own, I don't need a doctor. So she must really have been feeling bad. The doctor prescribed antibiotics the first time. The second time he prescribed a stronger antibiotic plus 400 ml bottle of cough syrup with a high concentration of codeine.

Thursday late night Alex came home and spent the night. Mom took all of her medicine to bed that night. Then took it to work on Friday. When mom came home Friday she needed to take her medicine and brought it in to take some. We ate dinner and mom went to change clothes. During that time Alex took 200 ml of that cough syrup. We didn't know it and he ask to be taken back to his girlfriends. Mom took him and when she got back about one hour later we discovered he had taken the cough syrup, and his girlfriend called and said that Alex was acting strange did we know what was up? We told her about the cough syrup.

I called the poison control center and gave them his size and history along with the info on the cough syrup bottle. They input the info and the person's response was, "Oh my, you need to get him to the emergency room immediately. He has nearly twice the dosage in him in which we recommend a doctor's treatment." She said he could possibly die from this dosage plus we didn't know if he had anything else in him.

We went to the Lawrence Memorial Emergency Room and his sister, who is a nurse found fresh new track marks in his arm.

He was released and went home with girlfriend.

What a mess.

A Response

The following is an e-mail I received from a teacher whose classes attended our presentations. It was a very moving letter for me. Just the fact that some of these kids went home and talked to their parents about this stuff is a win in my book. I just wanted to share this, maybe there could be others out there that could share your own experiences. That is how to stop this monster, stop it by using education and experience.

Hi Ron,

I am so thankful, and appreciative that you are now speaking with young people about your story. Today I had two of my three health classes who attended the presentation.

Today I had scheduled/planned on a 45 minute follow-up discussion opportunity, and a different addiction activity/assignment for the last 40 minutes of today's class time. However, both classes ended up spending the entire 85 minutes in discussion because of the impact of your story. It was so amazing that at times I had chill bumps because of the stories that students shared about their personal and family experiences relating to addiction and marijuana use.

It was a very powerful day today. We had students validate your story with their stories. We had students courageously open up and speak about family members who have turned to prostitution. We had questions about date rape or acquaintance rape, stories about how friends went from being "A" students to "F" students. We shared with each other stories of parents who are now incarcerated due to addiction. Every conversation or comment today was powerful. We had kids LISTENING to each other and asking each other questions. Supporting each other. We had kids say that they went home and talked with their parents. And those parents shared stories of their struggles, or of their siblings who struggle with addiction. Stories that the kids did not know about their families until you visited our school. We had students go home yesterday and call their grandparents and share your story.

I could go on and on about what our discussions unpacked and discovered about the dangers of drugs.

Every student commented/agreed with each other on how grateful and important it was to have you tell them WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU CHOOSE DRUGS. And, NOT tell them "Don't Do Drugs!" Like you said, they've heard that over and over but with no association of what will actually happen if one initially chooses to use drugs.

It was an amazing eye-opening opportunity for the kids to hear you and Erica speak. Today was amazing as well. I am truly amazed at your courage to share with us your story.

I am thankful for you and your daughter. I am thankful that Alex has a family who will continue to love him unconditionally. I pray that he will be clean today.

Please tell him hello for me. Please keep in touch. I would love to have you visit again next fall. Take good care.

(teacher's name withheld)

Satisfying Two Days

Five times in the last two days I gave presentations to students at our local high school. The group size was probably around 60 each time. I felt it was a good experience, at least from my perspective. Yesterday my oldest daughter joined me at the school and she contributed personal experiences as students ask questions. She really took the talks to a higher level, the kids seemed to relate to her really well. I think it was the age thing, I'm just an old guy, dad type, and she is young and went to that school too.

We tried to make these talks very interactive. Because of that only one session ended when the bell rang. All of the rest kept going right through break and the teachers told the students, "Take all the time you want to ask questions, this is important." Is it possible for a presenter to feel true interest and concern from a group of students like this for what we were discussing? And I felt they had a real concern for my son and how he was doing. Each group ask how he was doing and when I told them he was over 3 months clean there was a huge group smile.

Two of the teachers at these sessions had my son in their class when he was attending this school. I told the group he was on the football and basketball teams, he has a whole stack of medals in forensics. These are things they can relate too. one of my sons teachers told them all he was really, really good in forensics and this was a very bright student.

Some of the students due to their class schedules attended two sessions. One of the teachers told me the kids ask if they could go again when they were given an option of attending. The same teacher said she overheard students discussing these talks in the hall between classes.

I tried a different approach to making my point. I did not want to be just another person in a long line telling them not to use drugs and why. My whole thing was based on using drugs is a choice, in the beginning, if you make that choice then this is what you WILL become and WHAT you will do to those around you to support your addiction. Our personal first hand experiences of being the parents of an addict. And with my daughter she spoke from the point of being the sister of an addict.

As I said we tried to make this an interactive discussion. My very first point was I ask them to be honest with themselves and I would not ask at any time for a show of hands. I want them to be honest inside, and in return for that request I promised I would be completely straight up and there were no areas out of bounds.

Once the first question was ask it was like a bursting dam, sometimes there was three and four hands up to ask questions at a time. I think the questions that were ask tell a better story about tenor of these presentations than my content. I'll just let you in on some of the questions.

When did you know he was an addict?
Do you feel it was your fault he used drugs?
Did he use drugs with friends he met here in school?
What if I know someone that is doing this, what can I do?
Did he go to jail?
Has his appearance changed?
Where is he living now?
What did you do when you first found out he was using drugs? My answer, we went for a long swim in the pool of denial.
Does he regret all of this?
Has he ever tried to kill himself?
What was the hardest thing for you and his mom?
To his sister, what is your relationship with him like now?
Could your son come and talk to us?
Are his friends still using?
Do you think he is done using?

I felt like every question that was ask over two days was expressed with genuine respect and concern for Alex for us. Plus I got the impression they ask questions out of real concern for themselves. There was no cross talking in these meetings. There was no disrespect exhibited at any time. My daughter remarked to me, "Did you see that there were students literally sitting on the edge of their seats?"

The after meeting discussions were heart wrenching. A teacher is open to his class about his brother-in-law was a meth addict and is now clean 4 years, and his admission that addiction runs throughout his family. Students waiting to get a minute to tell very personal and private stories about dealing with addiction in their families right now. Asking me if it would be OK if someone needed to talk to us could they?

I don't know where this will lead. One teacher expressed that every parent needs to here this and she sent an e-mail to the principal that they need to find a way to get parents to a talk like this. I'm willing if they are. Next steps? I don't know but I'll talk if someone will listen. One day I hope that when Alex is ready he can do something like this. With his gifted speaking ability and wealth of knowledge I think he truly could make a difference in some of these young peoples lives.

Another Presentation Opportunity

Next Tuesday and Wednesday I will make presentations at our local high school about drug addiction and its effects on a person and family. It started off to be a few presentations in the classroom to students in the class at that time. Now it has grown to multiple classes over multiple class periods and it is now being held in the school auditorium. I am excited for the opportunity to reach so many kids. They are also sending invites out by e-mail to parents to attend.

I am still going to try and make it as informal as possible and most of the time is going to be devoted to Q & A. The teachers are going to hand out note cards on Monday for students to write anonymous questions they may have. I hope to get some that have the nerve to stand up and ask outright. I hope for a decent dialogue. The principal has ask, to be sure and cover pharm parties and huffing.

Does anyone else out there have any special suggestions.


Answering a comment:

A pharm party is where the kids raid the medicine cabinet at home and all go to a party and put all the pills in a bag and you reach in and pull out a couple like candy and you have to take what you grab. Pharm is short for pharmaceutical.

Huffing is breathing in fumes. Lots or potential highs but paint is one that is used and many other materials such as aerosol glues, carburetor cleaner and nail polish remover. For us old folks it is equivalent to "sniffing glue" that was popular in the '70's before they begin adding things to make it hurt to "sniff".

A Message To My Son or Any Other Addict

Life is not easy. It’s not easy if you are an addict or even if you are not an addict. It’s all about evolution. The strong survive. It’s not just about physical strength it is more about mental strength. Do you have the will to survive; do you have the strength to make it one more day?

As a person that has never been an addict or alcoholic I can only speak from that perspective. My insight into your world is only through observation. I do not wish to walk in your shoes. But I can tell you what it is like to walk in mine if you are serious about sobriety.

Every day I have unfulfilled wants and they are not centered on anyone else. It may seem selfish but I believe that the center of one’s being can only revolve around self. I want things, I want different feelings, I want changes in others, I want, I want, I want. It really never ends. I believe that desire is no different for an addict or non-addict.

Daily there are people out there to tell you, no, a boss, friends, parents, spouses, girlfriends. That is just part of life, disappointment and hurt is as much a part of living as joy, happiness and love. Hurt is the same for an addict or non-addict. The difference I observe in our reactions to all of our emotions, good or bad is our coping methods. I don’t know what drugs do for an addict to help with coping of disappointment. I don’t know how drugs heighten the joy of happiness. But I do know that my life would be very monochromatic without the peaks and valleys.

I have no doubt from observing you that you hated every day that you were using. I can see how your life was out of control, spiraling into a pit of hurt and despair. You became so lost that the helping hands of others could not even be grasp.

I see your struggles being clean. More pain than joy. It’s a time in your life where the scales may not be balanced. You are working so hard to change but everyone is saying, no. So many frustrations, what is the use?

There is one place that no one will say no. There is one life that will accept you. It is the life you have known for the last several years. It is the easy path to take; it is the impossible path to follow.

The immediate pain will eventually fade. Just as when my father died, there was terrible pain for me. I wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but I knew I couldn’t. I wanted one last time, for old times’ sake, but I couldn’t. I flashed back to all the good times, but they were not to be any more. I believe that feeling may be something similar you must experience to live on. Your old life must die and there will be tremendous pain with that death. Each day you will want, just one more time. Time may heal all wounds but sometimes the scars are there forever.

In time the scales will balance and you will find more joy than pain. But for now you must travel the difficult path. Your reward is you will become stronger and that dangerous fork in the road becomes further and further behind you. It may be hard to see because of the difficulty of the path but know inside you are not walking this path alone, hands of help are outstretched at your every step.

Gratitude and Thank You's

The drama of living with an a child with an active addiction is exhausting. The never ending concern for their safety. The not knowing if you just witnessed your last exchange with your child and racking your brain trying to figure out what to do now. These are feelings we all of know, all to well. These feelings do not go away quickly.

Our son is home and seems to be working his way to a clean and sober life. He is sticking it, his term, and I don't know what exactly he is doing or if there is anything I can do to help. But he knows we are there if he needs us and I respect him to ask if he needs me. I believe he will one day if he needs too.

It's time for me to recognize everyone out there that reads this blog. I have an endless gratitude to all of you. Some of you that have been reading us for a while know we write for our own therapy. Mom and I get so much more out of this than we put in; we owe all of you a huge thank you. Without your words of counsel, your thoughts and all of you that prayed for our family it would have been an impossible journey. I am not trying to cut the journey short either, we know we still have a long way to go but right now we have found a very comforting inn and the rest is nice.

A Comment To My Partnership Post

Below is a copy and paste comment from someone that read my essay on hitting "bottom". She commented her personal experience and it is a powerful testimony.

Pat Nichols says:
February 21st, 2010 at 4:41 am

Here’s a true story for insight on the truth about “hitting bottom.”

In my second year of answering our local parent hot line a lady called and asked me if I was the same person who was answering this phone line last year. I said I was and she informed that I had spoken to her last year about her son; she then asked me if I would meet her in person, as she wanted to discuss her situation in person.

I have spoken to over two hundred parents and not one had ever asked me to meet with them so I hesitated to say yes. I thought to myself, was she angry about what I had told her? Was she holding me responsible for her “situation?” I attempted to get more information but she said she had to explain in person. I said yes and we greed to meet in the morning at a local restaurant. My curiosity was running wild and I didn’t sleep that night.

I arrived early and waited nervously. Shortly before
10:00 am she arrived. She sat down and thanked me for taking my time to meet with her. She began by telling me that I was one of the must understanding and helpful persons she has ever talked to regarding her son.
When we last spoke I knew everything you told me was what I needed to be doing but my husband and I decided we would wait as we wanted our son to graduate high school. He had a scholarship to a college in Texas. We didn’t want his use of drugs to be on his record and if the college found out he might lose his scholarship.

In March my son attended a fraternity party and they rented the third floor in a hotel. My son was high on LSD and I was told his last words were, “I can fly, I can fly” as he dove throw a third floor window to his death.

I wanted to meet with you in person and ask that you never stop taking parents calls. Please tell my story. Tell the parents not to wait. At this point she quit talking, she lowered her head. Her hair covered her face but I saw her tears fall on the table. Tears began to roll down my cheeks and I felt a sense of sadness I had never experienced before. Her head raised and she stared out the window. I waited; she turned and looked at me. I promised her I would never stop taking calls and her story will help many parents find the strength to take the necessary action to intervene on their child.

This experience made me focus on the fact that we, as parents, need to “raise” our children’s “bottom” by intervening early and often. No one knows what the bottom is or when it will occur. It is different with every child.

What does this say to me? As parents we try over and over to fix, intervene and sometimes do the wrong things, but the idea of giving up because it seems anything and everything we try to do is wrong, so I should just give up and completely detach. Some may want to employ this strategy but that strategy has consequences too. My advice, there is enabling and there is harm we as parents can do but I also believe in never letting our addict forget that they are loved. Tell your addict you love them and believe in them, those positive words may not mean anything today but you can never know the future.

Another Parent Dealing with Addicted Son

Here is another link to a parent dealing with an addicted son. A 21 year old son with a 5 year addiction. She is just starting her blog hoping to unload some of her baggage.

http://addictionstinks.wordpress.com/2010/02/19/hello-world/#comment-2

Survivors Guilt

I was reading Barbara's blog and her feelings of guilt about how things are going well for her and K right now and it is hard to write about the good when so many parents are experiencing such hard times. I can understand those feelings completely. It's like survivors guilt.

The reality is we know how quickly the circumstances can change. We still lay our head down at night and know what thankfulness and fear feels like when both feelings are in our heart at the same time. We know the pain of sleeplessness and phone calls. Those feelings will last for a long time.

My son is doing it, today. He is clean, he is a joy to talk too and I can begin to see a tiny sparkle in his eyes again. (the pupils are open enough to reflect light, lol) If you ask him how he is doing it all he says is he is "sticking it". What does that mean I don't know and he said it is hard for him say it too. I am not trying to push the envelope but I ask him to think about what is happening and write it in his blog. Mom then begged him to begin writing again. She made a plea for all the other mom's out there, she said Alex please all of those other mom's want to hear what is in your mind, what you know and just what does there child really feels, knows and wants. Who knows maybe he will write, I hope but it's up to him.

I think back to when our son was completely wrapped in his lifestyle. We were scared, we felt hopeless. One thing that kept our hope alive was reading the successes of other adicts and children, even if they were short lived. I've said it over and over, WHERE THERE IS LIFE THERE IS HOPE.

Hold on Dad's and Mom's, all of you out there, the world changes every day and who knows what day is scheduled for your world to change.

Another Partnership Posting

The Partnership For A Drug Free America has published another of my essay's. If you are a regular reader of my blog it will be very familiar, it is about "hitting bottom." They were interested in that and now have it on their site.

If you want to read it or comment it can be found at:

http://intervene.drugfree.org/2010/02/hitting-bottom-my-drug-and-alcohol-addiction-vocabulary-is-ever-changing/

ABC News with Diane Sawyer

For those that may be interested. As I mentioned before they had contacted us about being interviewed concerning addiction in families. We declined because Alex and mom did not feel comfortable. Here is an e-mail I just received from Karen Franklin, author and contributor to The Partnership.

Previews of the segment are already on the ABC News website. http://abcnews.go.com/

Hi Ron and Darlene,

Hope all is well with both of you. I am hoping that our publicist did indeed mail a copy of our book out to you. Sorry I did not follow up sooner. I saw on your blog that you were contacted by ABC and will let others know when ABC will be airing segments on families and addiction. My daughter and I were contacted also in January and we taped the next day, but due to the Haiti crisis, it was all put on the shelf for awhile. We have heard that the segments will air this week starting tonight. I don't know if we made the cut or not but we will see. Just thought I would let you know so you can pass the word on through your blog.

Thanks again for the blog and your service to others.

Regards,

Karen Franklin

Another Heartbroken Family

Here is a link to another heartbroken family. Kelli wrote her first post on Saturday.

http://heartsbrokenmomdrugaddict.blogspot.com/2010/02/what-happened.html

They need your help and wisdom.

It's All Dad and Mom's Fault

I have a lot of thoughts about some things I have been ask, and some of the things I have read. They are are kind of related and maybe they warrant there own posts but I am going to lump it all together but have decided to set it up like a 3 chapter book. No need to flip to the last page first because we all know the end of the story from our own guilty feelings, "It's All Dad and Mom's Fault."

Chapter 1 --- I'm Sorry Officer, I Didn't See The Sign

Chapter 2 --- Good Advice Is Good Advice

Chapter 3 --- Bitter Realism

Chapter 1 --- I'm Sorry Officer, I Didn't See The Sign

We were having a conversation with friends and the conversation turned to that question. What would you have done different? That question we all ponder endlessly. The same question that stabs us in the heart. The question that causes untold hours of missed sleep. The question we would gladly speak for hours to answer, if only it helps someone else.

What would you have done different? This time we changed the question. Give me a break politicians do it all the time. What signs should we look for and which ones did we miss? Maybe there should be parenting cops to "light us up" when we blow right through signs as if they aren't there.

Teenage alcohol use is not a right of passage, we all did it too, cannot justify us failing to exercise our parental responsibility. Seriousness with our kids and grounding them and then laughing about it latter is just not wise. .......Guilty Officer.

Kids are going to try pot. It's just a little weed no big deal. I'm sure there are addicts out there that didn't start with weed but I have never met them. We have heard the term, gateway drug. Weed is a drug. Not every kid that tries weed will become a heroin addict, can you tell me which ones will and which ones won't? .......Guilty Officer.

The cops, teachers, judges, security are being assholes. Don't worry baby, it wasn't that bad. We'll help get you out of it. All we have to do is pay extra and the trouble goes away. .......Guilty Officer.

Why did that intake person at the drug rehab facility ask if there were any addiction/alcohol problems within the family? Why is that relevant, it's really none of their business we are here with our child not to talk about relatives problems. .......Guilty Officer.

My kid wouldn't do that or go that far he's just having fun. You know, boys will be boys. Basically he's a good kid and he knows his limits and we taught him better than that. No sir, I am not in denial. .......Guilty Officer

I really don't like the way you dress, talk, music you have changed too, your friends, your manners, your disrespect, your grades, your tattoos, your piercings. Any one thing may not be indicative of an "addict to be" but behavior changes do mean something. .......Guilty Officer.

Everybody has role models and mentors. I do, you do, and your child does. What is the modeled behavior your child is seeing. Do you even know? .......Guilty Officer.

Being a parent to a teen and being a friend to a teen is two very different roles. Do not confuse your role. .......Guilty Officer.

Every one of those charges could be explored endlessly and debated for hours. I am not calling an attorney, I'm not really up for the debate, or the hourly charges. I just know my list is not complete, but it is my list. Feel free to add to it as you see fit.

Chapter 2 --- Good Advice is Good Advice

I don't know if it is a cultural thing, a time issue, or an unrealistic expectation. Seems to me we have confused "advice" with "instructions". Advice does not guarantee outcomes. Advice is the learning's of one person or a group of people given to others in a well intentioned manner. Instructions are a list of directions that if followed step by step are meant to guarantee an outcome.

Dealing with teens and children concerning drugs and drug abuse there are volumes of advice. Just look at all of these blogs and comments. Thousands of words and hours of time devoted to offering advice in hopes the outcomes are what we expect. However, when dealing with human beings are outcomes ever exactly as we expect? And sometimes, aren't the outcomes much better than we could even imagine let alone expect?

We did the things people said to do concerning our son about drugs. We had family dinners, my kids still hate my opening standard question, "What was the best thing that happened at school today?" But I bet they ask the same question to their kids one day too. We talked about drugs and our family values. Mom took them to church and Sunday school. We always tried to make every kid feel special.

The outcome of following all of that advice, we have 3 great kids. One of them has the disease of addiction. NEWS FLASH.........not a single one of the three is perfect and exactly as dad and mom pictured.

If you want instructions come here and we will go down to my shop and I will tell you how to build something and oversee your work and you WILL be happy with the outcome. Just like I'm sure Debby could take me into her kitchen and give me the instructions and oversight to create a delicious dinner. Advice and instructions are as different as night and day. However, just like night and day we all need both.

Chapter 3 --- Bitter Realism

The Don Quixote in me will not allow me to stop and not dream "The Impossible Dream". That is what we do each day. Does that mean I have to give up on reality to fight these demons? No it means I MUST stay grounded in reality if I wish to even have a chance in my fight.

Who am I fighting? I'm fighting anyone that says it can't be done. I'm fighting anything and anyone that says it is hopeless. I am fighting the past and the statistics. I am fighting all of the failures in the past by my son and the millions who have failed before him.

Sometimes winning a battle is almost as meaningful as winning the war. I have a rechargeable battery. Just a spark gives me a full charge. Only one minute of my son when I see him not under the influence means there is a flicker of hope that maybe someday can be fanned into a raging inferno.

I have an analogy to this whole life and what we are going through as a parent of an addict. Life could be compared to a game of poker. We are dealt a hand. We have already said we are "all in." The cards are crappy. I have choices, I can fold, I can blame the dealer, I can be angry with the cards, I can be mad at myself for betting everything. But the reality is, I'm in the game, either get out of the game or play the hand. I'm staying in the game so give me another card (day) I'm into it for all I've got.

"The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA (1972) music by Mitch Leigh and lyrics by Joe Darion "The Impossible Dream" (a .MP3 file courtesy MGM).

To dream the impossible dream To fight the unbeatable foe To bear with unbearable sorrow To run where the brave dare not go To right the unrightable wrong To love pure and chaste from afar To try when your arms are too weary To reach the unreachable star This is my quest To follow that star No matter how hopeless No matter how far To fight for the right Without question or pause To be willing to march into Hell For a heavenly cause And I know if I'll only be true To this glorious quest That my heart will lie peaceful and calm When I'm laid to my rest And the world will be better for this That one man, scorned and covered with scars Still strove with his last ounce of courage To reach the unreachable star

Tempering Expectations

Can parents really ever reduce their expectations for their children? As I see my son trying work his sobriety I realize it is a day to day struggle for him. Sometimes I see comments on his facebook about how he feels that hurts me to the core. I think the comments are probably not any different than any other young adult feels and probably makes. In fact I can remember some of the same feelings when I was younger. There is a huge difference in the confidence level of a young man and a "seasoned veteran". ;-) The troubling aspect is not knowing how much of this can be attributed to the drugs and how much to just normal life experiences. The more important question is can he realize that these feelings afflict people without addiction issues too.

I know a big frustration for him and all of us is the job situation. The job outlook in the KC area is no different than anywhere else in the country, terrible. Realistically speaking I know every single day people get new jobs, there is someone hiring someplace. But is it a job you're qualified for? Is it a job that is realistic for your experience and knowledge? And finally do you have the wherewithal to actually get to and do the job? Add the extra weight of an employment gap of 3 years, a felony conviction for theft and a lack of a drivers license and transportation; what are realistic expectations? In all of my son's flaws being a hard worker and quick study is not one of his flaws. But that doesn't count until you get your foot in the door.

These are the immediate concerns. The important concerns are so much larger. I know this is outside the realm of dealing with a recovering addict but we still cannot let the urgent overshadow the important. We all could probably debate for pages on the actual meanings of important and urgent as it relates to an addict, and thinking through this post that would probably be a good idea. But for now the context of urgent and important is how it relates to dad's view of the world.

I've been unemployed before. What I would consider long term, 8 months. It is hard on your mental well being. Work and contribution is important to the human psyche. Do our leaders understand the impact this economy and their petty bickering is having on our our nations mental health? Dems and Repubs, pretend you are actually leaders and get your heads out of the snow in DC and grow up. Sorry, that's another post on another blog.

Patience with himself is not one of my son's virtues. It is difficult discussing patience and the economy with my son about jobs and independence and the need to keep his eye on the prize. All the while I know the real help for him in his recovery is a job.

Back to the title of this posting, tempering expectations. Is it possible for me to really change what I see in my son. Over twenty years of watching him grow, rocket through anything in school and seeing potential in him I could only dream of in myself. How do you let that go, or do you let it go or are you forced to let it go? For myself, I am not letting it go, it just has to stay inside for a bit longer. I just have to remember there are new dawns every day.

The down side, for every day there is a dawn, that bastard of addiction and those SOB's promoting it are prowling and destroying others. I'm taking another step front and center to fight the bastard. The second week of March I will be speaking to students and I hope parents will come too, at our local high school about the effect of addiction on a family.

Another Hurting Mother

Please visit this blog, another hurting family that has just began writing. A mother is writing about her 20 year addict and life with the family with younger kids in the household too.

http://madyson007.wordpress.com/

Another blog that I have fun reading is one I found quite by accident several months ago. He is a retired newspaper writer/editor and is now a free lance writer. Each morning he writes a short column some political, some random, some sports, pretty much whatever he feels like that morning. It's a change from all the addiction blogs I have on my reading list. I enjoy his writings hope you do too.

http://lifeitself-dave.blogspot.com/