Breaking The Stigma

You are not alone. Four simple words but being the parent of an addict is the loneliest and most desperate place I have ever been.

What I found out long into the process is that we feel lonely because we choose that place. There isn't something from on high that dictates this is our problem and others cannot be troubled. We choose this because not only of the stigma of addiction for our loved one but also the stigma of being the "parent of an addict." Over and over we replay their childhood, what could we have done different, what did we miss, if only.....

A parent playing those games with themselves makes for poor company to anyone but another parent suffering through the same trauma. Just because a person hasn't been in your shoes does not mean they do not have the capacity to support and love you.

A big part of our problem lies in the public stigma of addiction. Addiction still is perceived as a flaw in a persons character, not a disease as it is recognized by the medical community. Even today I hear people say that when we call addiction or alcoholism a disease that is nothing more than an excuse, cop-out or simply permission for an addict or alcoholic to use or drink, "I can't help myself, I have a disease."

To break the next barrier in developing treatment for our loved ones is to break the stigma.

Drugs are illegal. Many of the symptoms of the disease involve illegal behavior, stealing, dealing, driving while impaired. I am not saying make drugs legal. Now I understand that being addicted to drugs involves multiple levels of illegal activity and many times those activities are symptoms of the disease.

An addict must suffer the natural consequences of their illegal activities but there comes a time the "system" must recognize and deal with these symptoms in a different manner in which it does today. Current methods used in the criminal justice system has had minimal effect in our treatment of addicted individuals. "The War On Drugs" has turned into "The War On Addicts". Today we are doing the same thing that has been done for 50 years with the same miserable results. The strategies being employed by the justice system were developed before our children were even born and they still work just as poorly then as they do now.

From my point of view this is one of the root causes for the stigma surrounding addiction and alcoholism. This keeps us parents and society from standing up and demanding different treatment than what has been failing for so long.

I want to rid myself of the stigma. That is why I am public with my name and contact info.

I am the parent of a son that was addicted to drugs. Today he is clear and sober, a father, home owner and a contributing member of society. Your addicted child does not have to be clear and sober to stand up to the world and be proud of them and to show them they are loved.

We are proud loving parents.
We all should be proud loving parents.

Guest Post: US News and World Report

I received this e-mail today. If you would like to talk to this reporter please contact her directly and mention you saw this on my blog. Hope this can help minor age addition treatment.

Hello,

I came across your blog when I was searching online … and I’m hoping that you can help me with a story I’m working on.

In a couple of weeks we are releasing Best Children’s Hospitals. This guide does not include a list of hospitals that have inpatient psychiatry units, because there are so few of them.

When I looked into this, I realized that the services for addiction in children’s hospitals, within psychiatry departments, were even more grave. I decided to write a story about it, and I have talked to many policymakers and doctors about why this is.

I’m hoping to provide the patient’s voice in all of this. I noticed you have an extended network—could you connect me with someone I might talk to? I prefer someone who has a child who is 18 or under. We are simply looking to tell their story, and to help other parents understand that when they face this they will have to look hard to find services that meet their children’s needs. I would need to speak with someone today or tomorrow.

I’m happy to discuss changing any names to protect children as they are going off to college.

Thank you in advance for your help!

Thank you all for your support. Kimberly sent me a response and said she has ll the interviews she can handle and has promised to link me to her article when it published. When I get the link I will post the article and link on here for all to read.

What We Feed Grows

Annette over at Just For Today... wrote a great post for anyone, not just parents of addicts.

What we feed grows. Those four words carry so much when you apply them not just to addiction but to life.

I can't say it any better than Annette so I am just going to link you to her post right here: What We Feed Grows

Memories and Realizations for Memorial Day

On Memorial Day much is made of memorializing our veterans and of that I am appreciative. My father was a veteran of the US Army. He served in Germany after World War 2. In 1982 he lost his life to cancer.

On this day I do not forget those parents that have lost a child to the monster of drugs and alcohol. Every day another parent feels that unbearable pain. I have met parents and spoke to people that walk and live with more strength than I can imagine. They live with a hurt I am not sure I am strong enough to bear.

As the sun rises on another Memorial Day salute the flags and veterans but do not forgot those parents that suffer in silence and alone. There child did not die for nothing. They died with love inside them that could not escape the monster and disease.

As I remember all of the parents that have lost their child I have a realization of how fortunate, lucky, blessed or whatever word fits that my son is happy, healthy, clear and sober another day. The rest of my life I will never take a single day for granted.

Breaking News!!!

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has re-branded itself into more of what we as parents are looking for, to help our kids.

A new name:  "Partnership for Drug-Free Kids"

Same easy to remember web address: www.drugfree.org

The website is easier to read and navigate. Truth is many of us have been telling them to KISS it for a long time, Keep It Simple Stupid. One of the things I told Tom Hedrick a long time ago, was when we were first discovering our REAL issue with Alex I went online looking for answers, one of the first sites that popped up was The Partnership site. The old site was too confusing to find answers through the tears. Today it is so much better. It's parent friendly.

If you haven't been to The Partnership site for a while, then today is the day to visit an old friend.

If you are a parent that needs to talk to someone, a real professional in addiction call The Parent Helpline. Jerry or Denise will answer the phone, if they are talking to other parents or it is after hours.......LEAVE A MESSAGE! They will call you back. If it feels weird or you are scared to call........tell them Ron told you to call, they know me. You'll be talking to old friends that can help you.

1-855-DRUGFREE

(1-855-378-4373)

Johnson County, KS. Public Discussion About Drug Abuse in Youth

This is a public notice for those in the Kansas City area that Johnson County is holding a frank and public discussion about drug abuse in our community.

I have been ask by Officer Richard Spandle the School Resource Officer at Shawnee Mission South High School if I would be available to answer questions or maybe say a few words as the parent of an addict. I will be there.

I hope you can join me.

STOP Underage Drinking Coalition of Johnson County

And

The Overland Park Police Department Present:

Down the Up Staircase: Addiction is only a few steps away

A short film that documents the recent rise in oxycodone and heroin abuse in Johnson County

When:  May 20, 2014, 6:30 – 8:00 pm

Where:  Shawnee Mission South High School, Little Theater

What:  A presentation of the “Down the Up Staircase” film and a frank discussion drug use and abuse in our community with the Overland Park Police.

Who:  This presentation is designed for parents, students, professionals and members of our community who are concerned about the youth in our county.  All are welcome.

Please let us know if you plan to attend by contacting Charlene Whitney at Charlene.Whitney@JOCOGOV.ORG

Comments From The Anonymous Parent

What is an anonymous parent? Many comment on this blog as anonymous and that is great. Who are these anonymous parents? What is life like to be the person without a name?

I've thought about who that anonymous parent is and what they are going through. Maybe I'm right maybe I'm wrong but here is what I have come up with because I was once an anonymous parent.

The Anonymous Parent is that parent who is up at 2am but their child is not home.

The Anonymous Parent is searching and barely able to read a computer screen through the tears to learn more about this monster and what they can do to help their sick child.

The Anonymous Parent has piles of books and articles colored with highlighter marks in their bedroom.

The Anonymous Parent calls helpline and strangers looking for answers as to what to do and what comes next.

The Anonymous Parent has sat through way too many lectures and meetings trying to understand what is happening to their family.

The Anonymous Parent has emptied their savings and retirement accounts on rehabs and medical bills.

The Anonymous Parent has suffered the embarrassment of the flashing lights of police cars in their driveway at all hours, day and night.

The Anonymous Parent cries at night before going to sleep and feels a level of fear they never felt was possible.

The Anonymous Parent loves a person that by all accounts to everyone else is unlovable.

The Anonymous Parent makes a difference in one life. Sometimes that is all that is possible.

It doesn't matter how anonymous you are, you are not alone. Reach out and take the hand that is offered.

Guest Post: Dear Mom and Dad

Here is a guest post from Lisa. She sent it a while back but it got lost in my in-box. I apologize for the delay Lisa.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you. I want you to know that, because I’m sure you’ve doubted it before. I can’t know exactly how much pain I put you through, but I imagine it was a terrible lot. How could I treat the two people I love most in the world so badly?

I was sick, and I think you understand that now. We all learned a lot about my disease through this journey, through my stints in rehab, and I think you understand. The little girl you raised to be kind, thoughtful, and moral didn’t die; she was just sick.

I can’t ever thank you enough for all the support you’ve given me. There were times when I pushed you away and resented you for trying to help me, but that was before I could see clearly. Now that the fog of addiction is years gone, I realize how selfless you were and how truly grateful I am for you both.

I’m a parent now, and things are coming full circle. I worry that my sweet, innocent son has inherited my disease and will one day take the same wrong turns I did. I worry that everything I experienced and learned won’t be enough to help him avoid making the same mistakes. I worry that one day I’ll be in the same shoes you wore.

If I’ve learned anything, though, it’s that we can’t dwell on the past we can’t change or the future we can’t predict. Here and now is all we have. Here and now, I want to enjoy my son’s childhood AND enjoy the great relationship with my parents that I finally have.

If I haven’t said it enough: I’m sorry, thank you, and I love you. You’re the epitome of great parents and who I aspire to be like with my own child every day.

I love you,

Your Daughter.

Why Do/Should We Write

Why would I write about addiction, share all of my family secrets and issues, exposing us all to shame and ridicule by so many?

Simple answer, it was because I tried everything else and this was my last resort. I went to meetings spoke to counselors and therapists. I sat in rehabs while addicts shared their stories, me searching for answers. I cried privately. Darlene and I suffered in silence. Writing and sharing worked for me.

I am not discounting what works for others but I am making sense of what works for me.

Parenting an addict is a life of the immediate. If you aren't in the middle of a crisis you are waiting for the next one. There is no time to plan the next step. The next step is about to land on you as you wait.

Writing was a necessity for me. Maybe sharing publicly wasn't what I intended to do, in fact if you read my first posts in 2009 I made a point to be anonymous.

In the heat of the crisis/moment we all react. That is all we can do, many times it can be a matter of life or death for our loved one. When do we have time to deliberate and reflect?

Writing forced that time upon me. It caused me to examine more closely my personal experience. What happened in the crisis, what happened to me, what did I do in reaction and finally the most important point, what did I learn.

Writing held me accountable to myself. In quiet deliberation I could examine my own mistakes, not just blame everything on the drugs. There are answers to this insanity called addiction that makes sense. Writing helped me to find and ask the right questions.

My learning and advice. If you do not write, try it. You don't have to put it online for the world to see. It can be as private as you want. Write a journal or a diary or write on a scrap piece of paper. Put those words and feelings in black and white. Involve the other parts of your body in fixing your heart. Force your hand and fingers into the game. Make your eyes focus through the tears. It doesn't have to be profound it only has to be you.

What If It Never Gets Better?

What if it never gets better? I bet that is a question every parent of an addict has ask themselves, probably more than once.

I admit I no longer struggle day to day. Most of my time in dealing with addiction issues involves reflection. Playing Monday morning quarterback is my best position in sports so I have adapted it to life.

What if it never gets any better is that question of frustration. It's usually followed by a statement like, "I've done everything I know to do."

Lately I have been thinking about this question and it is still troubling. For a fixer like me what does that really mean, I failed? I'm not one to accept defeat. There is a fix, I just haven't gotten the right formula. That was always my answer. I always seemed to disregard the real answer because I never really accepted the premise of the question. My failure to accept reality that some never do get better caused me much heartache and much grief for my son.

The last few parents I have spoke with I have ask this difficult question. It's a hard question for me to ask because I know by the time someone would write me, a stranger, an e-mail based solely on this blog there is a desperation and hopelessness that I do personally understand very well. They aren't writing or calling to find someone to tell them give up, they are looking for an answer and sometimes just someone to talk too.

Not until the last six months of Alex's active using did I learn what I needed to know and understand the first six weeks. Understanding and dealing with addiction isn't about the addict.

Understanding and dealing with addiction is about dealing with a disease and yourself.

Granted I can't ask this question to someone that has been dealing with this six weeks but it is something we all need to answer. Put aside the anger, the fixer, the disappointment, the guilt, put aside the past. Don't try to analyze and understand ideas like powerless and acceptance. Make it simple, go off by yourself or with a close loved one.

What if it never gets better? 

What type of relationship do I want to have with my son/daughter/brother/sister/mother/ father/friend or whoever your addicted loved one happens to be? 

When you get to that answer it is easier to begin working on making your own life better despite the heartache you feel for your loved one.

Sometimes it is OK to have a one sided relationship. Life is give and take. Sometimes the scales do not balance no matter how hard you try. (thanks dad, you still speak to me even after 32 years gone.) 

Waiting On Spring

It's been a long winter. Today it is in the 70's but the wind will blow you over if you're not holding on to something anchored down.

I'm still speaking to students. It's going well and I hope some of them hear me. Lots of personal examples of students actions when I speak that keep me going. I have cards with my blog address, phone number and e-mail on them if they want to take them. I leave them sitting next to the door. Any evening after I speak my blog hits go through the roof. Makes me sad in a way.

I want to thank everyone that responded to the Guest Bloggers that sent me posts. I still answer e-mails and have called a few people that ask me to call. I guess this is my way of giving back to all of those that helped me so long ago.

Alex and his family is still doing well. There are a few things I take from his journey:

• nothing is impossible.
• hope is everlasting.
• love is better than anger.
• never give up.
• if you need a break take one, then get back at it.
• accept what is, give up on the world of "ought to be".
• if the world falls part tomorrow, I still have today.

Can't wait for it to get nice enough to go on a road trip on the bike. I'm needing a little freedom and open road.

This year I hope to get some lake time. The boat has been in the basement for two years. Time to hit he water and I have grandkids to teach how to ski. When Erica was 3 I put her on my ski and took off. We skied a big circle she fell off once and wanted to go again. I got Brooke on the kneeboard when she was 3 but Tyler and Owen haven't had the grandpa experience yet. When I look in the mirror its hard to believe once I skied competitively. How did I get so old and so fat?

Another Guest Post

Hello to all. 

My name is Kim and I'm an adult child of, soon-to-be x-spouse of, and parent of addicts.

I could ramble on for hours with different war stories of chaos, insanity, and pain, but not today. It's the first day of spring signifying change. The change isn't about them, it's about me. I feel it's time to concentrate on myself and my needs. It has always been about them and their affects onto me. However, this morning I decided to look into me and see that I'm spiritually sick. I'm not well.

The truth is, my Dad passed away seven years ago, my husband has been out of house for three years, my daughter is active in her recovery, and my son recently entered detox for heroine. None of them are actively using in my face and I'm in control of my own actions and reactions.So what then is my problem? My answer to myself is simple. I'm engrossed with anger, bitterness, and resentment.

I know I must learn to forgive. Forgiving them all and praying for them is supposed to be the key to my freedom yet I can't do it! Perhaps I hold my resentments for my own sick satisfaction of blaming them for all that went wrong. I have to look deeper into myself to find out why. I like the idea of joining an online community for feed back. My psychiatrist isn't helping me nor the handful of therapists I've gone through. I've been spending time writing my memoirs and returned to college online to further my education. I haven't been practicing yoga, which I happen to love, due to a recent back injury. I do enjoy my grandchildren and the new man in my life. They taught me to love.

Guest Post: Intake (a must read)

Not long ago I ask for guest bloggers. One person responded that she wanted to write and she already writes her own blog. She ask me if I would give her a subject. Knowing her past and what she had been through I was somewhat intimidated. Selfishly I thought of myself.

Four times I took Alex to rehab. Each time I left him there My feelings were always good and happy. I have always wondered what it was like for the person walking through those doors and wasn't walking right back out.

Kel, yes many of you know her and her blog, tells us what it is like.

It doesn't matter if you read this post first or read her blog first, please read both. Here is Kel's blog and below is her story.

Kel's blog: This Can't Be It

Kel's Story: Intake

The intake process took a few hours, most of it waiting for insurance approvals, and checking bed availability at the treatment center.  I am fortunate in that I have an excellent job that provides me with exceptional insurance benefits, however, the insurance company will only pay for inpatient treatment if they truly believe all other alternative options have been exhausted.  I have never sought treatment for alcoholism before, but” lucky me”, I had a few suicide attempts under my belt that involved large amounts of alcohol and prescription medication, a previously treated addicted child who died from a heroin overdose, a minor child with a long history of in and outpatient treatment, and a mother who passed away just 11 months prior from alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. Additionally, referrals from my psychiatrist and therapist attesting to the fact that my continued abuse of alcohol combined with my diagnosed PTSD and depression, leaves me at a high risk of suicidal ideology and being denied the treatment I needed and desired would be a hugely tragic unmitigated disaster if something unfortunate were to happen to me as a result of such denial. 

Three nail biting hours later, insurance authorization in hand, the Man and I nervously departed  the intake office with my previously packed one-bag-only-that-you-will-need-to-carry-yourself  containing the suggested one weeks’ worth of clothing, my labeled prescribed meds, and whatever personal hygiene items I could fit (which cannot contain alcohol) and we headed East beginning the 90 minute drive to the facility that would be my “home” for the next 20 or so days. Of course, true to my alcoholic nature, we decided to stop for lunch just a mile or so before the treatment center and indulge myself with what I hoped to be my final “one more for the road”  glass, (read: bottle) of wine. Much to my dismay; my last glass of wine was to be a local subpar varietal, that on a normal day, I wouldn’t allow to touch my lips until I had at least drank whatever good wine I had at my disposal first.  I am a wine snob you see, but I get over that as soon as my options become limited. 

We pulled into the parking lot, and even with my wine buzz in full effect, the reality of the situation I precipitously found myself in, was paralyzing terrifying.  How did this happen? What is going on? Why am I suddenly the one being checked into a rehab center instead of being the one to check someone else in? I am not an alcoholic, I made a mistake, I was just kidding around. I don’t need help, I can stop anytime. Please honey don’t make me go in there, I don’t need help. I just need to learn to manage my drinking better, get a little control over it; I can easily do this on my own, maybe I will go to an AA meeting with a friend of mine that I know in recovery…  Does any of this sound familiar?  Similar to what many of us parents of addicts have heard from our addicts at one time or another?  Denial, pleading, begging, grasping, crying, desperately frightened; he held my hand and my one-bag-only and walked me to the front door and held it open for me. 

Crossing the threshold of that door could be assimilated to my youth, when I was a new bride crossing that threshold with my then new husband, my future was wide open and I was starry eyed. Only this time, my future was bleak and possibly deadly if it didn’t work out.  A lawyer could help me if I were to be charged with a DWI, much as he would with a Divorce, but would be of no assistance when the alcohol eventually caused my organs to shut down, my skin and eyes yellowing from liver failure or hepatitis, dialysis required to do the work of my no longer functioning kidneys to rid my body of the toxins building up aiming to drown me in my own noxious body fluids, losing the ability to eat and drink on my own-  sores and abscesses debilitating my esophagus triggering me to choke on my own bile, and vomiting blood from my mouth and nose. Dying of alcoholism is painful and horrible.  I have seen it with my own eyes.  If you haven’t witnessed it first hand, it is not something I recommend putting on your bucket list. 

After saying our goodbyes, a security aide arrived to escort me from the reception area to the basic facility. Leaving the security of the Man was daunting, yet, a little bit hopeful and liberating. It was only me now. However, as the Aide guided me through the halls, the tears began to flow: ugly, sad little girl tears, I somehow felt compelled for the Aide to understand that I was here of my own free will, it was MY CHOICE to be here, I drank too much wine because my son died of a heroin overdose you see. Such classic, narcissistic alcoholic behavior, don’t you think?  I was above the rest of the other addicts and drunks, I WANTED to get better.  He told me that he was an addict in recovery. He worked here as a security aide, because he wanted to, because a place just like this one, saved his life many years ago, and he wanted to give back and help save someone else.  That someone could be me or any other one of 80 drunks and addicts that were in the facility at the moment.  He was not impressed with my tears of self-pity, or my designer boots, and he wasn’t interested in carrying my pretty lavender suitcase that I struggled to carry on my own. He had seen many clients walk out of the very doors we just came in through die of an overdose within mere hours of being released. Another arrested within days of her release for vehicular manslaughter, after killing an innocent young mother of two, after blowing almost two times the legal limit when breathalyzed at the scene. This disease was no joke. It was time for me to stop crying and get on with the business of saving my own life. 

Oh, I think I may have forgotten to introduce myself.  Hi, my name is Kel, and I am an alcoholic. 

 Thank You Kel.

Students Again????!!!!!

Talking to students at schools does something for me. It's so hard to stand up there and peel scabs off of old wounds, but it is so therapeutic.

Every teacher has warned me at one time or another about this class or that class. A student they KNOW that will challenge me or try to disrupt the class. Sorry to disappoint, their predictions have not yet come true. At the end of the day the students sit there in class and all I see are eyes fixed on me. And as you all know us parents of addicts are fixated on eyes.

No one disrupts. Maybe I scare them but I'd like to believe that I am saying things they want to hear.

Students come to me after class, shake my hand and thank me for taking the time to share my story. Some times they share a story with me.

I don't watch or take names but I leave business cards by the door and students are free to pick one up that has my phone number and the address of this blog on them. This evening I look at the stats blogger provides about hits and the hits on this blog begins rising immediately following the end of the first class.

And, to end the day, a message on my phone. "Mr. Grover, I need help, can you call me."



ps.: in two weeks I will be speaking again, this time at Shawnee Mission South. Wish you all could join me.

Question #2 Naltrexone?

My 21 year old son Alex is due to be discharged from rehab this Wednesday.  This was his 4th rehab stint in 20 months (unfortunately, most of those times in rehab has been only 6 or 7 days because insurance refuses to pay. The longest was 21 days).  His addiction progressed quickly from Percocet to snorting Heroin.

Naltrexone has been suggested to us by his counselors.  I have done research, but so far have come up with a lot of clinical information, but not much "practical" information from addicts or family members of addicts.

Does anyone have any first-hand information on Naltrexone that they can share with me ASAP?  We have to make a decision by Monday.

Thank you so much

I am sorry, I don't have any history or experience with this. I hope readers can help you.

Question #1 from Guest Blogger

My question would be... If I'm the only positive, constructive and truthful voice in my son's head... when he asks me to back off from talking about drug abuse OR anything negative relating to it for whatever his reason ... do I? I guess I feel like if I do "back off" I will just lose him to the demons of addiction that already seduce his mind with it's voice and he will lose himself even more. How does a loved one of an addict determine when to walk away?

Your question is one probably all of us struggle with every day. How do we communicate more effectively? No matter if it is with your son who struggles with addiction or if it is with a spouse, friend or boss. I am going to stick with communicating with your son in my answer, I have no advice or answers for the others, especially spouse, says Darlene.

You are the light for your son. You cannot stop providing your message of love and the dangers of addiction however sometimes it isn't the message but the delivery. Often times I would say to my son while he was using, "My eyes can hear much better than my ears." It was hard for me to internalize my own statement but it got better when I did.

Sometimes actions speak much louder than words. Actions demonstrate your words. Hugs and positive reinforcement when they do small things right provide the lubricant for those times when it is time to say the things he doesn't like to hear. You have to remember that you can say the same thing 100 times but if he isn't "hearing" what you say no communication takes place.

Become cognizant of when it the right and wrong time to talk about this with your son. Just like when driving on the street, there are red lights and green lights. There are days when you hit every red light no matter where you are going and any direction you take. Other days every light is green and the sun shines on you no matter where you are. The same thing happens in communicating with your son. Most of the time in his actions you can see the yellow light of caution, yellow doesn't mean speed up and blast through. Many times determining what color the light is can be as simple as asking.

I could give you a lot of good pointers but in truth when I was trying to communicate with Alex while he was using, I WAS THE WORST! My communication style was reminiscent of a Marine Drill Sargent on Paris Island. I was a slow learner but I did learn to speak with Alex instead of speak at Alex.

Some of the things I learned the hard way was already known by some really smart people about all of this and put into a short guide. I've been pitching this thing a lot lately, only because it is so good and makes so much damn sense. Go to The Parents 20 Minute Guide. Third button top of the page is about communicating.

How does a loved one of an addict determine when to walk away? You walk away when it is not healthy for YOU. You must take care of yourself. You can't help anyone if you aren't healthy inside. I know you've heard my simple question before. "If your son was ready to stop using today, or ready to talk, are you healthy enough to know what to do or say?" You must take care of yourself too so that your ARE ready when that day comes.

Thank you for your question. I have answered it the best I know know how. There is a lot of wisdom out there with my readers. I hope they chime in too with comments. None of us are alone in this, we all need each other.

For anyone interested the mother that ask this question also writes her own blog about her life with an addicted son. You can read her story here: Hands Full Of Tears

Speaking and Guest Posts

Spring is just around the corner and you know what that means, I'm filling my schedule with speaking engagements at local high schools. All new students in the second semester. This Friday the 28 I am again speaking to students at Basehor Linwood High School. On March 11, I am scheduled for Shawnee Mission East again. I don't mean to toot my own horn about speaking at these schools but these students are lucky that they have teachers that care so much for them that they teach about drugs and addiction, no matter if I speak or not.

The one thing that could make these talks so much better that I have no control over is if each of these classrooms were full of parents with their children. I don't know but I bet you the parents that have come to hear these talks with their own child in the room aren't near as likely to have their own child suffering from addiction.

It's also time that I open up this blog to all of you readers. So many of you faithful readers leave such wise comments and ask such hard questions. Now it is your turn to play blogger. Please send me a guest post or ask a public question that can be posted on here. Thousands of other people literally around the world want to here from you. Please share your wisdom and questions.

email for posts: teamplayer@aol.com

As I have posted before, just a couple guidelines for guest bloggers:

• Guest Bloggers can remain anonymous or be public, your choice.
• Links will be available to your blog or e-mail if you choose.
• No commercial advertisements or posts thinly disguised as advertisements for rehabs.
• Good taste must be used.
• Appropriate language and content for our community.
• You will NOT be graded on grammar, but be sure to use spell check.
• One paragraph or one page, it doesn't matter on length, even just a simple question works.

Allowing Natural Consequences

Today I took part in a conference call with other Parent Support Network members along with professionals with The Partnership at Drugfree.org and counselors from The Center for Motivation and Change.

Part of the call focused on "allowing natural consequences." It was a very good discussion and there was a lot of back and forth about allowing natural consequences. What's the difference between allowing natural consequences, tough love and just being mean or angry about your loved ones addiction?

This isn't all about letting them sit in jail while you are miserable and feeling guilty. It's not as easy as taking away a car or not paying for a phone. Allowing natural consequences is putting yourself in a place where the actions you take have an intended effect of moving a person towards a realization that life addicted is more than getting high. Allowing natural consequences involves you being able to take actions that may cause your addicted love one uncomfortable circumstances but inside you know you are doing the right thing for the circumstances.

During our call we spoke about one end of the spectrum, your loved one is in jail and they want you to bail them out or they want money on their books. But we also spoke of dinner is at ____ and when it's over and they come late they don't find a plate set aside or leftovers. We all know about the discussions, arguments and fights concerning cars and phones.

But, how do you feel good about something like this? They are hungry, they are in that horrible jail, they need to have to have a car to get to work; all circumstances in which we as parents are particularly vulnerable. The only way to get past this is not that we take these actions because we should or someone told us too, we do this because we own it. We own this because it is our own personal value system.

It's not fair to ask someone to do something they are not capable of doing. I am talking about parents not your addicted loved one. Each of us can only do what we are capable of doing at any point in time. If something seems too harsh then it is an issue you must work yourself, don't shove it off onto your loved one.

Allowing natural consequences is a strategic action. Allowing natural consequences is not and should not be a REACTION.

Setting good boundaries based upon your own personal values and communicating them to your addicted loved one is step one. After all, you get that call from jail asking for bail money. You have bailed them out each time before. It's not fair to change the rules and expectations in the middle without giving your loved one the respect they deserve by explaining your values and plans. This is strategic and not a reaction borne of anger and frustration about getting that call from jail, again.

I want to make sure I am clear. Allowing natural consequences isn't tough love. For me tough love is seems almost like a "get out of jail card" for parents. It allows us to take an action and not care. Allowing natural consequences is taking deliberate actions with an intense interest in the outcomes along with open communication between your loved one and yourself.

A great resource for this is The Parents 20 Minute Guide. Don't take this on just because your read it on this blog or in the guide. Do this because it fits and you own it.

The Parents 20 Minute Guide

Addicts ARE People

Here is a link to a daughters blog about her father's addiction.

I am not going to say much about it other than she says it all.

Kelsey's Blog

It's good for all of those friends and family that have trouble understanding addiction

Don't Forget All The Others

It is the hot topic right now to write about the tragedy of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Not to minimize his experience but we must not forget how many other families had the same experience on Sunday.

As the rest of us prepared for the Super Bowl making snacks and gathering with friends other families were getting the news that their son, daughter, mother, father, brother or sister no longer felt the pain of addiction. They paid the ultimate price.

This continues to happen every day. It is not hard to remember the emptiness we felt a year ago when a friend called us to tell us about her son. Sadness, The Monster Claims Another

It may seem overly dramatic but there isn't a day I don't think about how lucky our family is that Alex is clear and sober today. Darlene ask me one day if there isn't a day I don't think about this. I replied no, "Not really." She told me maybe I need to talk to someone. I thought to myself, that's what all of you guys are for.

Seven years of my life while Alex was using affected me deeply. I cannot imagine the pain of those parents whose children that lost the fight before finding recovery. The nightmare must be horrific.

It's hard for me to give advice to parents whose children still struggle because I am not sure there is a good answer to the single overriding question, "What can I do to get them to stop?" I fought with that question for seven years. Today I have learned that the answer to that question is to take care of yourself and to not give up.

There are new treatments available today that were not available ten years ago. Chemical treatments and new evidence based therapy's show great promise. These aren't designed to be in place of the long tested therapy's like NA. It just means we have more at our disposal. Use whatever works for you and for your loved one.

My sympathies go out to the family of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. But my sympathies also go out to each of those families whose loved one wasn't the lead story on the national news. It happens every day. Statistics tell us that every 19 minutes someone loses their fight to the monster.

What if every single month there was a new 9/11 attack? Just as many of our countrymen lose their lives to addiction each month as those in New York. This is a national tragedy just as 9/11. We must not minimize any of these loses, not 9/11 and not the tragedy of addiction.