Addiction DVD

We have an Addiction DVD, new in package that we like to give to someone that needs it. It's a documentary produced by HBO.

If you would like this leave you e-mail as a comment. If you prefer to not leave your e-mail in a public forum just e-mail me your contact info.

On next Wednesday we will draw a name from a hat and send the DVD. I'll pay the shipping.

It's Only A Little Weed

This last week a I spoke to six more high school classes about what it does to you and your loved ones if you choose to use drugs.

During one class I had a vocal student that questioned my opinions on smoking marijuana. During these talks I don't hold back on my experiences as the parent of an addict or what I observed happens to a young person that makes that initial choice to use drugs and then become addicted.

This 14 year old student began his comments as, "What's wrong with a little smoke?"

At the beginning of my discussion I preface everything with I am not here to be another person telling you not to use drugs. My whole reason for being here is to provide you real life examples to what could happen to you and your loved ones if you make that choice to use.

"What's wrong with a little smoke?" First of all it is illegal. If you are dealing with someone that is using or supplying an illegal substance you will be or eventually be exposed to other illegal substances. There is the danger of an unknown product, who regulates the quality and composition of this product? There is always the risk of arrest.

This student then wanted to engage in an argument as to the merits of legalization of marijuana. Not going there. That's not the purpose of my being in the classroom.

The student is stuck on his issue and subject re-surfaces again later in the discussion. My questions to the class, "Is weed a "gateway" drug? If you smoke weed will you become a heroin addict? Not everyone that smokes weed becomes a heroin addict, but I have not yet met a single heroin addict that didn't smoke weed first, which one are you? I've never met a heroin or meth addict, or cokehead that started with heroin have you? Do you believe that someone just wakes up one day and decides, today I am going to stick a needle in my arm?"

As the end of class alarm sounds and the students are leaving, "I don't care what you say, I am not going to stop smoking."

I know 14 years old may be too late to start talking, but what do you say to your 14 year old when you hear, "It's only a little weed."

On Thanksgiving

On Thursday we all think about what we are to give thanks for in our life. This year I have decided to limit my thanks to my hero’s.

Here is my short list:

Mom, my bride is my hero. She is the one that suffered through the role as the mother of an addict. But she also stood beside me through all of the frustration and hell I dished on her because of my inability to control my sons using.

Alex is my hero. I never knew anything about addiction, he drug me through hell, but I know his hell was much, much worse than anything I experienced. He climbed out of that place. He did it because he wanted to do it and he did it alone because that is the only way it can be done.

My daughters and their husbands are my hero’s. They were there when I needed. They allowed me into their life when I needed someone that was a part of me but was able stand alone and strong.

Brooke and Tyler are my hero’s. They appeared at just the right time, there is no way they can understand that they saved my life; they are my grandchildren.

My family and friends are my hero’s. A family that did not give up on Alex or us. They offered a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold when it was needed. Friends that were there when we needed them and knew we needed time and knew how to listen.

Kristy and her girls are my hero’s. They could see through the disease to the real person inside.

The people at my work are my hero’s. They knew it was not the normal me. They carried my load when I couldn’t. They never stopped believing.

Every single person that reads my blog and left a comment or had us in their thoughts are my hero’s. You people did more for me than I could ever re-pay or begin to describe. One day I hope to do as much for all of you as you have done for me.

All of the rehab counselors, medical personnel anyone setting in meetings are my hero’s. These are the people that made an unknown impact on Alex and all of us during this nightmare. There is no way to thank them all but I have a feeling they do what they do not for the thanks but for something inside of themselves that we may never understand.

Outlaw Breathing

"You don't have any idea what it is like. There is no way you can even imagine it." said Alex.

I'm reading of relapses, rehabs troubles, a fatal overdose and general anguish and anger by parents coast to coast. E-mails are coming into my mailbox and I have even gotten phone calls. Must be getting close to the holidays.

I can pinpoint the exact time I got it. I moved farther and closer to understanding addiction than any time in my life so far. It was that light bulb moment.

Alex had been using we had our normal argument with me screaming at him. The anger, fear and frustration coming out that only another parent of an addict can understand. After I had hollered at him as long as I could I calmed down and we both sat down at the kitchen table.

Tears in my eyes once again I pleaded, "I just don't understand, just quit using drugs and everything will be OK."

In the next three minutes Alex taught me more about addiction than I had learned from all the counselors and meetings I had attended up to that time.

Alex ask me to play a game with him. "Dad, hold your breath, and I will make an effort not to think about drugs, want to use drugs or what drugs feel like. Dad, you will win the game every single time. You can hold your breath longer than I can go without thinking about and wanting to use. The only time I can go without me wanting to use more than anything in the world is when I sleep and even then I dream about drugs."

In that very moment I got a glimpse of what addiction must be like to an addict in active addiction. The urge and need to use is as strong or stronger than my need for oxygen. That was the very moment that I realized everything I was doing would never have an effect on his addiction. Everything I had done up to that point hurt me and hurt him but had no effect on the monster.

Based on the title of this, "Outlaw Breathing" this essay isn't about legalization of drugs. Truth is, I still don't know exactly how I feel about that, there are too many other concerns right now. This essay is about illustrating how overwhelming addiction can be at times. Even with periods of sobriety.

Even after ten years of effective management of diabetes a diabetic can go on a one day sugarfest and end up in a coma or dead. It's the same with addiction, the past is important, success builds upon success but the absolute most important day in the world it today.

Time For Christmas Season, AGAIN?

The list's are being created and the bombardment of commercials has begun. In my mind not so long ago when you mentioned a day with a descriptor of "Black" in front of it, well, it wasn't taken as a good thing. What a trap we have all fallen into as it relates to the holiday season.

Stress, expectations, disappointments all seem to be heightened this time of year. Decorations, meals, family gatherings all compound feelings that we expect to be good and wonderful but by the time everything rolls around we are too exhausted to appreciate anything about the holiday.

I'm sitting here thinking about simplicity. Several thoughts have come to mind but one memory of Christmas several years ago overshadows them all. There have been years we have spent way too much on presents and we probably aren't the only ones that have made that error. One year Mom and Dad ask for something different and small of cost. That present really brings back good memories for me.

I'm sharing this because it takes a little planning and action now to reap the good memories we have now of that present. Back before the digital age we decided there was nothing we really needed. You know how the kids always ask, "What do you want for Christmas?" And we struggle to come up with SOMETHING that we really need. Our list was simple one year. On Thanksgiving evening we gave each of our kids a disposable camera wrapped as a present plus the money to have the pictures developed. (told you it was quite a few years ago.) We ask each of the kids to use the camera and take pictures of their favorite things. Then on Christmas morning for each of them to show all of us their pictures and explain why those things mean so much to them.

That Christmas morning Mom and Dad got a real Christmas present. Simple but meant so much to us.

??? Arguing With The Science

I just read Annette's blog and she had an interesting article linked at CNN about high IQ and drug use.

Us parents are always looking for the answer of "Why". There may not be many answers as to "why" but there may be indicators and predictors that we haven't yet noticed or examined.

Just like Annette's daughter, our son was smart. We always struggled with the question of, 'He is so brilliant and smart, how did he not understand what drugs would lead to in his life?" Maybe this answer isn't to be known.

I can't just throw every smart kid that seems different or is struggling for attention, must be the center of attention and hyper competitive under the addiction bus but as parents it is not wise to ignore the signs. Alex was very smart, hyper competitive and had a strong need to be center in attention as a child.

OOP's

You know how dents and broken things would happen to your child's car when they were using and they never seemed to know what happened or had several lame excuses that you knew were BS. Alex has a new dent in his car.

We all know how it got there. Not paying attention and Dad backed into his car while he was parked in our driveway. I need an excuse, anybody got any good suggestions on how I can blame this on his addiction and those DAMN drugs?  LOL

Parents and Recovery

Alex stopped using a over one year ago. Today he is drug free and working to put his life back together.

There are countless books and websites about addiction, rehab and recovery. Most of them are filled with valuable pages of information that help both the addict and the parent. I won’t discredit anything on these sites in books but I want to share what I have learned about being the parent of an addict in recovery not from reading but from the experience. No long drawn out processes or pages explanations. This is just some words and actions that seem to help me.

• Recovery is hard. Sometimes they need a hand, make sure your hand is out for them to grasp when needed. But, don’t hold on too long.
• Addicts dig deep holes for themselves. Contrary to what you may think filling the hole is faster when only one person has a shovel. If you help to shovel it will take longer to fill the hole.
• Forgiveness is for me. The sooner I understand the faster I heal.
• “Believe” or “doubt”. I choose believe. Have you ever had someone tell you that they believe in you?
• Normal is right. “Fragile, Handle with Care” is not stamped in big red letters on a child in recovery. To stop using means they want a normal life again.
• I love you. That is a reassurance we ALL need.
• Nagging, suspicious looks and reminders of past mistakes really irritate me. Addicts in recovery probably don’t need them either.
• His recovery is his to manage. I know that for the last seven years he hasn’t been able to manage ANYTHING. But, we all have to learn and begin someplace.

Milestones

Yesterday Alex told his mother a bit of good news. On Nov. 8 he was released from probation. He is no longer on probation in ANY jurisdiction! He still owes a couple places money but he has payment plans with the courts that he follows religiously.

The steps are long to get back but they are worth all the effort.

Alex is an inspiration to many people. I'm not sure he realizes it or understands. I hear it from people all the time. I see people that know Alex or know him from this blog and the parting comment to me is always, "Please, tell Alex hi, and tell him I am happy for him and proud of him."

Dad and Mom are proud of him too.

Talking to Students Again

I'm out doing my thing again with students. Spent the last 2 days in health class at out local high school talking about the effects of addiction on an individual and a family.

My talks center around what you will become if you choose to use drugs. I don't do the "Don't take drugs or Just say no thing". I just lay it out to the students as if they are young adults and capable of making informed decisions if you make the choice to use, this is what you will become. No judgement just the facts and reality of addiction.

A student from one of the media classes was sent to take pictures. Here are of pictures of me doing my thing. 

Another Mom Writing

Here is a link to another mom writing about this insanity. Please visit her and make her feel welcome as so many of you did for us.

mysonisanaddict

No Magic Bullet

As I said in my last post. There is NO magic bullet to end this addiction monster. It will take work by thousands and thousands of individuals reaching out and touching another person. The real answer is that personal touch. Here is a story about one of those people. Many, many more deserve the same recognition but, from my experience, the recognition isn't the reason we do this work.

"BLHS softball coach Mayberry wins MLB award for drug-free education efforts"

Skipping Down the Path

Life is happening. It's not the drama and crisis of life with an addict. It is the life that we thought about before an addicted loved one changed everything we believed about our children.

Last night Alex and Kristy moved into a house they rented. Out of an apartment where the playground for Kristy's girls was a parking lot. It is a smaller place but "home" is what you make it.

Halloween is Monday. Mom told me that Alex and Kristy are taking the girls to Leslie's house and they are going to trick or treat with Brooke in her neighborhood. This will be Brooke's first year to realize that extortion and blackmail are legitimate and viable methods for obtaining sweet snacks. She already knows that manipulation works on PaPa and Grammy. Mom and I will be there to share in all three kids excitement and fun.

Brooke is 3 years old. I can't believe that little thing I am holding in our profile picture is now 3 years old. She is a big girl for 3. She wears a size 6x clothes and 13 shoe. Girl must have come from good stock.  LOL

The newspaper interviewed me about nominating Susan for the MLB Play Healthy Award. The article will come out next week. I'll put a link to it when it is published. Something I told the person that interviewed me is something I have come to understand and work each day towards. "There is no silver bullet or magic wand that will end this addiction monster. Our only hope is hundreds and thousands of Susan's and parents reaching out and making a difference with one kid at a time." All I ask of each person reading this blog is: Each day try to "touch" one child in some way. Maybe it is your own that is struggling with active using or maybe it is a sibling, relative, or neighbor, Maybe it is some child you don't know in a school, church, a team or a club, just make an effort in someway. All it takes for evil to win is for the good to do nothing.

CONGRATULATIONS! Susan Mayberry

Tonight, The Partnership at Drugfree.org held their 25th Annual Gala and fund raising event. As a part of that event an announcement was made about the 2011 Play Healthy Award winner. This is an award sponsored by Major League Baseball, Major League Baseball Charities and The Partnership at Drugfree.org. This award is given to a single coach and a player from nominations of deserving coaches  and players from across the nation.

Tonight in New York City at the Waldorf=Astoria, SUSAN MAYBERRY, coach of the Basehor Linwood Bobcats softball team was introduced and announced as the National Play Healthy Coaches Award Winner.

Susan's efforts in coaching and working with her players and students concerning the risks and dangers of drug use in the pursuit of success on the field and off the field made her a winner of this National Award.

I had the proud honor of nominating Susan for this award and she was chosen by Major League Baseball and The Partnership. I nominated her based on her initiative to bring the experience of drug abuse and addiction right into her classroom. Along with her efforts along with Ms. Knowles the drama teacher at BLHS in presenting "Under The Influence" play. You can read about our first hand experiences here:
http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/03/response.html
http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/11/tangible-outcome.html
http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2011/04/review-under-influence.html

The Play Healthy Award: http://playhealthy.drugfree.org/default.aspx

Congratulations, Susan. You deserve this honor and keep up the good work.

Writing On This Blog

It seems to get tougher and tougher to find things to write about on this blog about addiction. Addiction is no longer front and center in our life. We don't take a breath and hold it like it was so easy to do for so many years. We allowed addiction to consume our lives. I'm sure so many of you know that feeling and may still be living in that manner.

I don't know what tomorrow holds but for today I am going to be conscious of life today and enjoy the peace.

Sometimes I think hard about, "What really happened for seven years? What have I REALLY learned? How did we survive? What caused this change in our life?" I'm sorry but I really don't have any solid answers. This sometimes troubles me but I am trying to let go of my need for a concrete answer to these issues. I guess I have to learn with some things "it is what it is."

Now I am satisfied with just trying to relate our experiences to others. Hopefully, it will help them through the nightmare or it will persuade a young person not to follow a path to addiction.

The little things matter as we relate to our son. A, "thank you" that is sincere. A text message or phone call that isn't originating from a police station. Having an open change jar in our bedroom that is slowly filling with silver. Hearing the words, "Mom, I'll get that diaper." Watching him take responsibility with his own health insurance card. Some people not experienced with addiction may read this and think, "Big deal." Yes it is, it is a big deal.

My son is someone I enjoy being around. Couldn't say that with honesty a few years ago.

Where there is life there is hope. But isn't just about hoping for your son, daughter or loved one to stop using. That's certainly part of it but life is happening all around us and allowing addiction to steal life from us is a terrible waste.

Fall Festival 2011

It was another great time for Fall Festival. The weather was warm and didn't resemble Fall at all but the leaves on the trees were turning yellow so that puts you in the mood.

The real positive was that it was warm enough for the babies to be outside so that enables the moms and dads to have fun outside too. If you want to see the pictures to Fall Festival check out the pictures link.

Fall Festival 2011

Big Head Alert!

I just went to The Partnership's website and they have my 7 Truths essay highlighted on their Homepage.

The Partnership at Drugfree.org

Parents Help Line

If your looking for someone to talk to about your child using drugs or drinking The Partnership at Drugfree.org staffs a parent help line for you to call. This is not a 24 hour emergency line but a line staffed with clinical professionals that you can talk with to get info or make plans. This is a bi-lingual line.

1-855-DRUGFREE  (1-855-378-4373) 

Time To Get Help

Our Helpline is open Monday through Friday, 10:00 am to 6:00 pm ET. We are closed on weekends and holidays. The Helpline is not a crisis line. If you do not connect with a parent specialist, please leave a message and we will make every effort to get back to you by the next business day. If you are in need of immediate or emergency services please call 911 or a 24 hour crisis hotline.


Our parent specialists are licensed social workers and psychologists with years of experience helping individuals and their families prevent and overcome substance abuse problems.

Alzheimers and Addiction

As I have mentioned before, my mother has Alzheimer's. She has good days and bad days. She still lives at home with my sister and is alone all day while my sister works. It hasn't gotten so bad she needs full time care.

I'm an impatient person. I'm not sure I could be a primary caregiver like my sister but one never knows what they are capable of doing until it is required of them. However, in dealing with Alex I have learned very good life lessons about patience and acceptance.

I see at times similarities with Alzheimer's and addiction. Patience and acceptance are characteristics highly valued in dealing with either condition. In the past I could see myself not understanding the limits of a person, even with a disease. It just wasn't my nature. Fortunately I had enough time with Alex that I learned the necessity of  patience and acceptance. I can't imagine how I would have handled it if something tragic would have happened to him before I got to that place.

Alex is getting better. I see him maturing and growing. I'm not saying that it is over and he is cured. I am just saying that progress can actually be observed in his life. Nothing like that comes without struggle and I am sure there are struggles for him I cannot imagine but that is his world and I try hard to stay out of that world so that he continues to grow.

With my mom, there will only be good days and bad days. There isn't long term recovery. But I see her doing all she can too. It would be easy to become impatient, answering the same question, telling her the same thing over and over but I have learned a great deal from my son, even as he was addicted.

Alzheimer's, just like addiction, you must accept what they have to give. These are diseases of the mind. Each disabling in a way I do not understand but must accept. Each person doing exactly what makes sense to them at that very moment, is that wrong what they do or is it just the way it is? The way it is must be accepted. There really isn't an alternative with either person. They are both doing the best they can.

Once again I need to work on myself. I need to find a way to use my time more wisely. The urgent must not overwhelm the important. The important is watching my son grow. The important is being a hero grandpa to a couple of little ones. The important is to see my mom smile when I visit because she still recognizes me. The urgent can wait, the garage can remain a mess another day and the grass may grow a little higher than I like.

Tough Love - The Language of Negativity

The language of addiction is laced with many terms that seem to be designed to scare everyone. Many words and descriptors of addiction make me cringe “Hitting bottom”, is a term I have written about before. Another term that I recently been exploring and considering is “Tough Love”.


TOUGH LOVE is harsh. Tough Love is another descriptor that bothers me. For a parent to do what is necessary with an addicted child isn't "tough love" it is REAL LOVE. Real love is letting your child sit in jail (protective custody) when for only a few dollars you could get him out and spare them from the confines of jail. (Only to find them using again with two hours.) Real love is telling your child they cannot live in your home as they continue to use drugs. Real love is seeing your addict hungry, dirty and homeless, buying them a meal and giving them info of people that can help them and encouraging them to seek help and not offering to "fix it" for them. Real love is selfishly taking the time to work on yourself so that when your addict has a "profound experience" you ARE able to help in the right way instead of just falling back into old habits of enabling.

Addiction is a disease. When we see a parent sitting bedside of a child with cancer taking chemotherapy, holding their hand, wiping their head, combing their hair as it falls out, holding the pan as they get sick we admire that parent and comment how much they must love their child to be by their side. That parent doesn’t love their child any more than you or I. That parent is only doing what they can and must to help their child get better; just like we are doing when we practice tough love real love.

Real Love is why you are here reading this post.

Tough love is easy, throw them out and leave them to the world.