The dog days of summer are here with a fury. This week it has cooled slightly, 90's, but I see in the forecast it will be back over 100 next week.
Work is crazy, we are very busy and I am hiring people. Can't believe some of the applicants when I tell them they must take a drug test. Why do they waste everyone's time and money when they know they can't pass. It just puts my folks in the plant in a bad spot because they must wait longer to get more help.
By next Tuesday we will be grandparents again. The doctor has told Leslie to either have that baby by Sunday or else on Monday the baby's choice to come out on its own is over. Leslie and Paul are old school, everyone will know what it is when it arrives, even mom and dad are waiting.
It's so routine with Alex that there is nothing to write about for us. Darlene is babysitting often because he is working overtime every Saturday. What a change over a few years ago.
I am reading others blogs and I hear so much heartache. This thing never seems to end.
Maintaining this blog is not what it once was. There just isn't much to write as when the drama and crisis was never ending. That's what I mean by what happened to my blog. It's not productive writing for anyone when it's the same normal routine day after day. Long ago I titled an entry SSDD (same shit different day) about all of the shit that seemed to rain down every day on us. That would be the title of most of my entries now except SSDD is normal and peace instead of the other.
Reading others blogs and commenting I see so much from parents going through all the same things Darlene and I experienced. So many times I refer them to links on whatever I wrote in the past. I feel guilty just referring them back to my past posts but this stuff really doesn't change, unfortunately. The worst thing is that there is no set formula for success. The only thing I found that works for sure to do exactly what I was told to do on day one but took me over five years to try. Take care of yourself, you can't fix it and no addict ever gets clean because of or for Dad and Mom.
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22 comments:
Don't feel guilty for referring people to your past posts. I can't tell you how much reading your archived posts has helped me in this journey. Thank you for your blog and for keeping up with other people's blogs. I'm sure you'll never know how many people you have helped. The fact that your son is in recovery gives me much hope.
Thank goodness that I'm in the same place you are in. The real truth of your blog, my blog and many others is that we are told from the beginning what we must do as parents, but it takes days, weeks, months and sometimes years to execute the strategy. So I will repeat what you just said, "Take care of yourself, you can't fix it and no addict ever gets clean because of, or for. Mom and Dad."
Honestly it feels good to read SSDD...in a good way. I am having hard time going back to read about how hard some of us are struggling. I took a little break from blogging or even checking in on and I am heart broken to see some of my most favorite people going through such difficult times AGAIN! I hate addiction!
I have learned a great deal from your old posts and I refer back to many when I am at a loss of how to deal with the chaos. Thank you for them!
I just read this post that really choked me up. I am posting the link here because I am hoping that you can share this. My blog does not get the kind of traffic that yours does. It is a perspective that so many will never view addiction from but it is so important to share.
http://www.recoveryhelpdesk.com/2012/04/20/typical-non-addict-thinking-that-makes-me-sick/comment-page-1/#comment-27136
I admire you but wonder, with all the stress you've been through, all the sadness, pain and disappointment... how the hell did you find the strength not to implode?
It really is wonderful how great your son is doing. If I remember correctly he was in jail for a short time and never went back to the heroin once he was released. Did he do a formal treatment program or go to meetings na/aa, etc., I'm just wondering as my daughter does not seem to like the na or aa meetings all that much.
When I read the blogs of parents that have kids in active recovery it makes my hope for my son even stronger. Even blogging about the same ole stuff gives us hope that we will get there.
Dear Anonymous,
Our son was in jail many times some times up to 6 months. Each time he came out and began using again except for the last 2 times. After he got clean he still had many "messes" to account for with the courts. One of them he got 6 months in jail and he served the time going in clean and coming out clean.
He went to rehab 4 times, 3 inpatient and one outpatient. He also tried the NA thing but what he got out of it I don't know but he is not a 12 stepper at this time as far as I know.
I have learned his recovery is his to manage. Long time ago when we were all new to this monster I use to try and force him into recovery, I counted NA meetings and keep track of his clean count. That was my wasted energy. I learned I could not force my idea of recovery on him.
I do believe it takes more than just stop using. I think it takes more than that but what that more is belongs to the addict. That was a very hard lesson for me to learn.
I do believe NA is the most successful program available at this time and there are millions of success stories. When someone asks, my very first inclination is NA, but it is not he only way. My advice is to work hard at the NA model if more is needed then that is between the person and their disease.
Ron:
I have learned so much from you. I am so thankful you were ahead of me on this journey and writing about it to help those struggling behind you. As parents we get frustrated with the madness of our addicts who make the same mistakes over and over again. It is insane yet we do the same thing when we try the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome. We waste precious time trying to fix and save our children instead of distancing ourselves and handing their addiction back to them. If I could do one thing different I would have stepped back sooner than I did. You and Mom helped give me the courage to get out of the way and let my son figure out his mess. Alex gave me hope.
I appreciate you blogging about the peace and normality of your newfound SSDD life. It gives me hope for my own life! I'm happy you are experiencing that now, you and your family surely deserve it after the tumultuous road you have traveled. I hope the rest of us get there very soon.
Thank you so much for your response Ron, I find myself pushing what I think should be her path to recovery and really came to realize that it isn't my choice. She is currently in an outpatient program and I kept pushing her to go to na mtgs in addition to the program. This isn't her first program probably the third she said that the first two times she didn't care but this time she is trying to work it, I hope so. Well, I am going to back off and let her work out her own recovery I totally agree with you it really is their journey. Thanks again Ron.
Your blog will always be one of my favorites no matter how often or what you write. Thanks for inviting EVERYONE to your place this October. I'm seriously considering it.
So good to hear there is nothing to report other than good things. Can't wait to hear about the baby!
Isn't a life of the mundane a beautiful thing?!
Dear Ron,
Don't ever feel that even if we get just a quick update or simple Hi that you are not appreciated. No matter where we are in this addiction cycle you and your wife continue to provide hope for all. I am eternally grateful for both of you. It has been a couple of years since you both took the time to email me regarding how addiction of a child can affect marriage. I am still fighting to keep my marriage in tact despite all the craziness our son's addiction has brought to our life. I hope one day to meet the man who has kept me going on some of the worst days imagined. eternally grateful, Maria
I hear you, Ron. I am in the mundane enjoyment of life as well. Staying busy and simply enjoying something from each day. When my nose is no longer stuck in reading the CFR's for mariners, I'll be teaching a course this winter on Cruise Planning. I guess that it's hard for this dog to quit the old tricks. Whenever you write, I read. Glad that life is good!
i was wondering if you could answer a question for me.
when did you know that alex was truly ready to begin his new life. i know while he was in jail you were helping him out a bit but how was this time different from all the other times previous. was it a gut feeling? or were you just ready to give it one more try? i'd really appreciate your thoughts on this. thank you.
Anonymous,
Sorry its been a couple days but if you see my latest entry on the blog I hope you understand.
A lot of it is gut feeling. We learn as we go and we get fooled but that learning sticks with us. The last time he went to jail for the six month term he went in clean and after 6 weeks he got work release so he was at work during the day and back to jail at night and on weekends.
The day I felt the concrete set was the day I was driving him to work on work work release and he told me that all the guys in the jail all they want to talk about is what they are going to use and what they are going to do when they get out. He said he use to be one of those guys in jail talking about using and getting high all the time. Alex said when they start talking about that stuff now he said he just gets sick to his stomach. He said it all just sounds so disgusting that he goes back to his cell and just lays down.
When he said that to me and I had not prodded him to talk he just opened up about it I felt a cheer of rejoice and appreciation deep inside.
That was probably one of the single moments that sunk in and turned my head.
thank you for your answer. also, so rude of me to not congratulate you on your newest grandchild. congrats!!!
i really appreciate your thoughts. after a year and a half of living on the streets, homeless shelters, etc. our son is clean and sober for the first time in 5 yrs. he is a changed person. he is doing all the right things but we are so wary b/c of past lies and behavior it is hard for us to jump on board completley. although maybe now is the time he needs that the most. it's a tricky road and i so appreciate your honesty and all the hard work of writing and maintaining your blog. you help so many. thanks again.
Anonymous,
Check out this post. See if it helps.
http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2011/11/parents-and-recovery.html?m=0
I hear you, Ron. I am lucky to blog just once a month. I have nothing exciting to write about. My son is clean, working and leads a very quiet and peaceful life. Amen. Still, if my story can help anyone, I will not abandon my blog. I'm happy for you, that you have grandbabies to hug, and that Alex is clean.
Ron,
I want to thank you for sharing your life with the world. I am so thankful and happy that you and Darlene have made it through the tunnel of hell. And, that that light on the other side of that tunnel is getting brighter by the day for you and your family.
Thank you for the thousands of people you have knowingly or unknowingly helped by BEING THERE and BEING TRANSPARENT about your living hell. Telling your story so that people suffering know that they AREN'T ALONE.
I pray for you, Darlene, Erica, Lesley, Alex, and your grandkids. The reason that I pray is to thank God for all of the good your family has done in this world. Such kind and caring people. People who, through it all, survived. I am grateful that you now have SSDD. However, the shit is good now! :-)
Thank you for continuing to communicate through your blog and speaking to kids. Your willingness to stay connected is a testament to your openness to help even after your son has been clean. It would be easier to disconnect and move on. However, you choose to keep the world abreast of what is going on with your life and your family's life. Now you give hope. Hope that other families can survive the tunnel of hell. I know that you consider yourselves just, "Mom and Dad." However, what strength it must have taken to share your story. What great people you and Darlene are. I love you. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get to know both of you better. I wish nothing but happiness for you. We all, at some point or another, will face some type of monster. However, I'm not sure there's anything more frightening to me than the monster of drugs. Thank you so much for everything you share and are willing to share. I'm happy that all of your energies can now be spent on positive family experiences with ALL of your children and grandchildren. You have helped me become a little bit more of a realist. lol.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Your friend, Susan Mayberry
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