I am still pondering the posting and all of the comments from when I wrote, "Do You Ever Blame Yourself?" After seeing what another blogger wrote on her blog and making a comment there I want to write more on the subject of blaming yourself.
This is a trap easily fell into by parents, or let me just say it is an easy trap for me at times. The shoulda's, woulda's and coulda's get replayed like highlights on SportsCenter. This can drive you crazy at times.
When playing the woulda, coulda and shoulda game it is easy because most of the time it goes something like this. I shoulda done this instead, he woulda done that and everything coulda been OK. So, what is the flaw in that thinking? It counts on someone else doing a specific thing in a response to my action. So much of that thinking depends on someone else in which you really have no control. No wonder it is easy to play that game, the real fault of action gets to fall on someone else.
Instead of woulda, coulda, and shoulda what is the right question?
What have I learned?
That question makes it so much harder because all of a sudden it is on me completely. I am responsible for my own actions only and I am responsible for my own learning.
Mistakes of intention will happen for all of us. But as we learn the honest lessons from our actions we will become better parents and healthier inside. To learn the lesson I must remember to not to play woulda, coulda, shoulda games and always ask myself the right question.