Friday, June 22, 2012

What's It Like?

I think back years ago and remember all the questions I had about addiction. That was me, trying to make sense of something that is senseless. It's impossible to use logic to decipher the illogical. There are no answers that make sense. Of course, in reality I had the answers in my mind already I just wanted confirmation. I needed someone to tell me I was right. I craved the validation that my thinking was right on and not just as skewed as an addicts.

It took so long for me to understand the answers to all those questions didn't effect the outcomes one bit. Not for me or my son. That was me living in the world of what "ought to be" instead of living in the world of "what is".

So just what's it like? I used to spend hours, days, years trying to get into my sons mind. If I could just understand I could fix it.

Much deliberation allowed me to figure out the truth. What's it like? The real answer is with me. I control myself. There is no way I can control my son or his addiction. Even in prisons and jails people and addictions can only be controlled to a barely manageable level. Just how arrogant is it to think that me alone could exert that much control over my son.

It is possible to have a life even if madness surrounds you. Maybe it's not the life you may have planned but make do, if you have lemons make lemonade. I learned the answer to my questions involve loving yourself enough to be happy. When you do that you make yourself more lovable and better able to face the demon of an addicted loved one.

What's it really like today? Appreciation is the only word that I can think of that describes what I see. I appreciate the fact that I learned and grew from this terrible experience. Nothing is so bad that a person cannot grow and learn, it is just hard sometimes.

I see Alex being a Dad. He does what he believes is best, I appreciate his work, even when I differ in opinion. I see my son work, earn a living, pay bills, raise a family. I respect my son, I hope he does me too.

My wish is that my son has the same appreciation for his life of sobriety as I do for his efforts and my life today. But I know that his life and struggle is his to live in his way. He must manage in the best way he knows and I get to manage mine in the best way I know. That is the respect I hope we share but no longer tell him that is the way it is going to be just because I am Dad.

Does it sound like I am proud of my son? Darn right I am. But I learned a lesson somewhat late that I was always proud of him even when his disease was active. Alex has always been a person and my son but he was a person dealing with a disease that he fought and for today is under is control. Final words for all that have read this far, never stop believing.


ps.: Another mom writing about her son: Meth Addiction - A Mothers Perspective

11 comments:

Meth Addiction-A Mothers Perspective said...

Through great pain, comes great wisdom and compassion. Thanks for sharing yours, Dad.

Summer said...

What a wonderfully heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing!

Annette said...

You have really come full circle Ron. Its a beautiful thing...

Anna said...

I agree with all that you say here.

Sheri said...

Your posts always seem to hit home with exactly how I am feeling. I hope 17to some day have the wisdom you have accquired and the eloquence to express it so well.

Lisa said...

Thank You for this post. I really needed to hear this, as a mother of an 18 year old son with active addiction I have to keep reminding myself not to give up hope, More importantly that I cannot control my son or his choices.

Anonymous said...

The addiction of an addict is theirs and theirs alone....we can only love them. We can be proud of the accomplishments "one day at a time". we can encourage and support emotionally but never support financially. There are boundaries that need to be established and we must always detach ourselves from the disease not the person...I have a son who is a recovering heroin addict and when I finally implemented the words I knew, things got better. I pray daily that his clean way of life continues and I know that I will never had the son I had before drugs, but maybe someone with more wisdom and knowledge :) God Bless

Eddie Red said...

My parents had no control over my addiction. I was stuck on drugs for many years and I am very proud to say that I have 8 years of sobriety at 25 years of age. If you are looking for help for a family member or yourself then check out the New Life House website. That is the place that helped me out. http://www.newlifehouse.com

Throw said...

I'm not going to leave any advice for you (anyway, I'm sure you get enough of it). I just want to say that I wish you the best, and hope that you can take good care of yourself and yourselves. Just wanted to send some good energy your way.

Cathy Treatment Talk said...

Our addicted children are so much more than their addictions. Sometimes it's hard to see that, but it is there. Very heartfelt post! Take care.

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