Transitions are difficult. At times even changing planes in an airport is difficult so what should we expect when faced with a life transition.
I've gone through many transitions in my life, dealing with the death of loved ones, job changes of my accord and not of my accord. Transitions from single to married, husband to father and all of the missteps in between. So one would think I would be prepared and understand this transition from parent of an actively using addict to that of father of a son in recovery. But, each day I think and reassess what exactly is my role and am I fulfilling that role as a father. Plus, despite all of the wonderful things of life today with my son in recovery there is always that small dark corner in my mind that is impossible to escape or ignore.
The subconscious feeling and doubt of a relapse is not an ever present fear as it was for a long time. Maybe it is fools confidence but I just see no evidence to live at that place today.
My struggle today is what I call, make up time. It feels like we missed so much as father and son for so long. I keep reminding myself that time is not a commodity that can be saved, banked or replaced. We all have to move forward with what we have today and right now. Wonderful concept but it is at times harder to live than to say.
Onward with my personal reflection and struggle. This may seem insignificant to those of you still struggling with children in active addiction. I can completely understand and relate. But you have to remember that one day just as I did we all hoped to be in this position. I thought at the time if we only got here all the problems and issues would disappear. Nothing ever ends until it is too late. Life goes on and what we make of it is up to us.
(just more of my thoughts after a while deliberating. you long time readers probably wish I would stop that. lol)