9 years ago on Thanksgiving morning I wrote a post about what does the parent of addict have to be thankful about? It is the week of Thanksgiving 2023 and I think it is time to re-publish that post from 9 years ago.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
What's Thanksgiving to the Parent of an Addict?
What a question. What does the parent of an addict have to be thankful about?
I remember the horrors of holidays. It seems no matter the occasion Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays or anything that was special to our family our son while he was using found a way to bring heartache and sorrow to the occasion.
Why couldn't he just be OK for one day? Why do we have to have every holiday and special occasion ruined? These were the constants in our life.
Looking back it is easy to remember these events. A son showing up on Christmas Eve while we were walking out the door. Drug dealers delivering heroin to our home on Christmas Eve as casually as a pizza delivery person. Thanksgiving not being able to rouse him to join us for lunch. Going down to a prison located 125 miles away on Thanksgiving eve to pick him up after being released. Every holiday was an event.
The perspective of time and distance allows me to understand most all of our anguish and hurt was self imposed. We EXPECTED what was impossible to be delivered. My son was an addict. My son was addicted to drugs and I didn't understand addiction and what it meant.
My son suffered from the disease of addiction. He did what addicts do and all that is expected of an addict. He used drugs no matter what I wanted or expected. My heartache and anger was self imposed. I expected from him something he didn't have to give. At least not at that time.
If your loved one is suffering from addiction accept the reality of what IS and don't play a game with yourself of OUGHT to be able to be good for one day.
Secrets from a father about for surviving a holiday with an addicted loved one would include:
I remember the horrors of holidays. It seems no matter the occasion Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays or anything that was special to our family our son while he was using found a way to bring heartache and sorrow to the occasion.
Why couldn't he just be OK for one day? Why do we have to have every holiday and special occasion ruined? These were the constants in our life.
Looking back it is easy to remember these events. A son showing up on Christmas Eve while we were walking out the door. Drug dealers delivering heroin to our home on Christmas Eve as casually as a pizza delivery person. Thanksgiving not being able to rouse him to join us for lunch. Going down to a prison located 125 miles away on Thanksgiving eve to pick him up after being released. Every holiday was an event.
The perspective of time and distance allows me to understand most all of our anguish and hurt was self imposed. We EXPECTED what was impossible to be delivered. My son was an addict. My son was addicted to drugs and I didn't understand addiction and what it meant.
My son suffered from the disease of addiction. He did what addicts do and all that is expected of an addict. He used drugs no matter what I wanted or expected. My heartache and anger was self imposed. I expected from him something he didn't have to give. At least not at that time.
If your loved one is suffering from addiction accept the reality of what IS and don't play a game with yourself of OUGHT to be able to be good for one day.
Secrets from a father about for surviving a holiday with an addicted loved one would include:
- Temper your holiday expectations.
- Accept what is given.
- Love with no return expectation.
- Do not expect something from someone that they do not have to give.
- Inside there is still a person. You loved them all their life, do not forget.
- Where there is life there is hope. Look around you and see the life.
Never stop believing. Tomorrow my son will be joining us with his family. Hugs will be shared. We will give thanks to all and each other. 6 years ago if anyone would have told me this day would come I would have thought they were crazy. Never stop believing in yourself or others.
Happy Thanksgiving to all.
4 comments:
I'm sitting here, just days after Thanksgiving, looking for answers... searching to fill a void I cannot fill. My daughter is an addict. Her husband is an addict. Their children, taken by CPS, live with me and my husband. They were days away from getting some of their parental rights back, and failed a drug test. My husband made them leave the property. I've struggled with this, because I wanted to help, but in the end, we stood united and made them leave, and now my daughter will not speak to me, not even for the sake of the kids. I'm so empty inside, I feel sick. It has been more than 3 weeks since they are gone, and though I try to reach out, help her find inpatient help that CPS now says they need, I do not get a response. I don't want to turn my back on her, but she also needs to own what she did, and she has not, so the blame comes here. Idk how I'm going to make it thru the holidays. So many moving parts and pieces here, with 3 little lives depending on their sobriety. It's gut wrenching. Your blog gives me hope, however right now, I feel very hopeless 😔 she told CPS she's done using, and will do whatever it takes to get the kids back. I pray this is true, however idk if she will ever speak to me again. As much as we have tried to help, she does not see it, and it makes me wonder if every addict goes thru the steps of recognizing who they hurt, apologizing for their actions, etc. I suppose I need to come to the realization that she thinks of me as dead, and this does truly kill me. I'll continue to read your blog...I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Thanksgiving because this is where I am right now.. broken hearted she wouldn't come spend the day here with the kids, eat with us, talk to us (because we made them go). There's so much to say, yet the distance between us is so much, idk if there is any hope. I don't know what to say anymore, idk what to do anymore... it feels everything I say or do is just wrong. Thank you for giving me a space to write my grief. I pray our outcome is a success story (like yours).
I just happened upon your blog while searching the internet trying to find answers of what we should do with our 21 yr old addict son. We are at our wits end and don’t know where else to turn. He has been thru one stint at rehab, been arrested for stupid actions and continues to take pills. He says he is tired of disappointing everyone and wants to quit. That he is actually going to stop. But then a few days go by and we are right back in the same situation. That constant cycle just keeps rolling around. I’m searching for answers…. We dont know whether at this point we are just enabling by allowing him to continue living with us rent free and continuing his choices. Don’t know if we should make him leave ? But then where will he go? I don’t want to push him into the hands of more pills and worse things. But it is killing us watching him kill himself. Please HELP!
Dear Anonymous,'
'There is no one set answer. It seems counterintuitive but first take care of yourself. Really think about your core values. Set good boundaries and you might try what I call provide opportunities for discovery. He must discover that sobriety is better than what he is doing now. What he is going through is true addiction. He must get help. He doesn't have to go through this alone. You are part of his strength but you cannot do it for him. It may come to the point he cannot live in your home but that should be made based on your values. For instance, you may decide that you cannot live in a home where drugs are used illegally. In that you make decisions for yourself, regardless of his decisions. He must then make decisions based upon himself. I suggest you get a book titled, Beyond Addiction, by Jeff Foote and Carrie Wilkins. Hope this helps. You you want to chat further e-mail me. My address is on the site.
A very powerful post Ron.
Expectations are something I've struggled with. I didn't realise the extent expectations impacted upon my addiction and even more so upon my "recovery".
It's almost impossible to go through life without expectations in not only other people but ourselves. Throughout addiction I reveled in my resentments that were often a result of failed expectations because they gave me justification to use. In recovery failed expectations can leave me in a state of anger, frustration, sadness, etc. all negative emotions that for decades I'd use on and these days possibly act out on.
Whenever I get upset or angry over other people not doing what they've said they're going to do or not living up to my expectations, I'm simply causing myself pain over something I am completely powerless.
In my experience, Compassion, Love, Understanding and Connection are key in surviving "recovery" and essential in the treatment of addiction, it took me a while to realise this and I certainly haven't got it licked yet, what I do know is that if I practice these principles I sleep better at night and feel more relaxed and comfortable in myself.
Thankyou for your post Ron
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