Q & A Time Questions 7-10

Today I am publishing the last 4 questions submitted by college students about our experience with an addicted loved one.

I hope everyone found it interesting what the students ask and how I answered. After today's post I will answer any questions submitted by readers. There is one question in the comment of the first set of questions I will answer and if anyone else has question please feel free to leave them in the comments or e-mail me directly.

7.  What is the hardest part about living with an addict?

The fear. Every single time the phone rang or doorbell rang there was a twisting fear inside you scared that this was “the call.”

In fact the only time his mother and I felt any peace would be when he was in jail or prison. During that time we knew where he was and that he was being watched.

8.  How do you stay positive?

You must have lifeboats. That is what I call those things that allow you to remember that you have a life too. I wrote about my lifeboats on my blog. http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2009/01/lifeboats.html

It’s like on an airplane when the attendant gives that speech that no one listens too about oxygen masts. “In case of a loss of cabin pressure an oxygen mask will drop down. For those of you traveling with small children secure your mask first and then place the mask on your child.”

If you do not save yourself first you cannot save others.

May I take the liberty to change your question slightly? How do you maintain hope?

Hope is very dangerous when misplaced. Once I had pretty much lost hope and someone told me “Where there is life there is hope.” Easy to say and comforting to hear but then reality is snapped back and you realize your son is suffering from what can be a fatal disease. Then I thought more about what hope really is as it relates to life. You can read it here: http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2011/03/where-there-is-life-there-is-hope.html

There are times you can’t be positive and maintain hope. When we found out our son was speedballing. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speedball_(drug)) This is when his mother and I began making his funeral preparations; we were just waiting on a body. Speedballing is usually fatal. If you read about the famous people that die from drug overdoses, many are from speedballing.

http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/07/google-it.html

http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/07/untitled.html 

9.  Did your son’s addiction affect your family financially?

Financially I DO NOT want a final total of monies expended. I do believe as far as direct dollars it would be in the high five figures or low six figures. Indirect monies spent on ourselves to try and make us feel better, “retail and beach therapy”…… I do not want to know the total amount.

My wife and I had good jobs that paid well. We were fortunate. I know people that bankrupted themselves dealing with a child’s addiction, lost homes, cars and retirements.

Addiction and mental health is not accepted by many as a legitimate health issue, this includes many insurance companies. Our health insurance at the time mandated no more that 30 days treatment for addiction or mental health. 30 days of rehab is accepted by most addiction professionals is not enough. Can you imagine what would happen if insurance companies only allotted 30 days treatment for cancer, heart disease or diabetes?

10.  Did he show signs of addiction when he was younger?

Not sure how to answer this question.

He was a normal kid. Played video games, at five years old he thought he was Michelangelo of The Teenage Mutant Turtles.

My son was very smart. Honor rolls all through school. Math was simple, he took pre-calc and trig as a sophomore in high school, that was the highest math class in our school and he just breezed through the class.

He played sports, basketball and football. He was a star on the forensics team and qualified for state.

Most times he was center of attention. Our high school had about 800 students. He was one of the “cool” kids everyone wanted to be his friend.

Guess I cannot understand what signs you are looking for in this question. I am sorry.

 ____________________________________________________

Thank you all for allowing me to share my story with you in this way. It hard and painful to share but it must be done to battle the monster. Removing the stigma of addiction is the first step in recovery and educating everyone that addiction can be beat.

Your questions brought emotional moments back to the surface. Thank you for those painful remembrances. It keeps me focused on the present and the gift I have in my son today that we came so close to losing.

If you or other loved ones have any other questions of a personal nature I’d be happy to discuss them with you either through e-mail teamplayer@aol.com or by phone (913) 909-2810.

Sincerely,

Ron Grover

Q & A Time Questions 3-6

Yesterday I posted a couple of the questions sent to me by college students. Today I am going to continue with the list of questions and my answers.

3.  Do you feel as though there was anything you could have done to prevent his addiction?

With this question you really know how to make a parent feel bad. 

Every parent of an addict struggles with this every day. What could I have done, what did I miss? Even today this is the question that haunts me. In Al-Anon they teach the 3 C’s. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. It’s easy to say, catchy and very hard to accept.

I’ve been asked this question many times in many forms. After a lot of reflection I have finally come to peace with my struggle in this manner, I wrote a blog post about it that might be appropriate. Here is a link. http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2013/04/what-do-i-wish-i-had-done.html

4.  Did you seek therapy to cope with his addiction?

We sought many forms of therapy. We went to family counseling with psychologists. We attended Nar-Anon, NA, AA and Al-Anon meetings trying to learn from others. I actually went a drug rehab and was invited to take part in all activities with addicts and alcoholics for four days. The drug rehab was an enlightening experience but it still wasn’t what I needed.

What helped me most when I was at the end of my rope was in January 2009 I began writing my blog, “An Addict In Our Son’s Bedroom”.  I am not a professional writer; I’m not even a good writer. I just began writing anonymously to chronicle my experiences. People began reading and commenting. I wrote more and more people commented. The blog and the commenters became my therapist, counselor and therapy. Sharing my experiences and reading other blogs about other parents experiences provided me the outlet and learning I needed.

5. How is your son able to stay clean now?

Truthfully my son does not like talking about his time of active addiction. I respect him, his recovery is his recovery, and my recovery is my recovery.

From observation I believe a key component in his recovery and staying clean is his son. He has a four-year-old son and from my perspective he lives for that boy. He is the center of his life.

6. How does it feel to help someone who is intentionally harming his body?

Helplessness.

There is emptiness and frustration inside that is impossible to describe. I am a “fixer” but I couldn’t fix addiction.

I am a simple guy. Many times I speak in analogies and scenarios. This is a time for one. Imagine yourself as the father of a son. Your son is standing on the railroad tracks and a train is barreling down the tracks towards him. He hears nothing. You begin running towards the tracks as hard as you can and arrive in time to knock him from the tracks but the train hits you. That’s what fathers do. We give our life to save our child. With addiction it doesn’t matter. My son would be standing on another set of tracks the next day.

The frustration got so great one day I told my son to get his stuff and put that shit in my arm so I could enter his world and drag him out of it. His response was he would never do something that bad to anyone.

Q & A Time

A couple or three weeks ago a college professor, Susan Winslow from an small college east of Los Angeles ask me if I could speak to her classes. Susan's classes had been studying drugs and addiction and had been reading my blog. Los Angeles is a little far for me to travel to speak to students and as with most institutions of learning funds are tight and they couldn't pick up expenses so I thought of a compromise. I ask the professor if as a class they would be interested in compiling a list of questions that I could answer and I would make myself available by phone or FaceTime if they wanted.

Last week I received a list of 10 questions from her classes. That very morning I fired off answers. Susan replied that they would be discussing the list and my answers this Thursday.

I asked Susan if it would be OK to share these questions on my blog. Her response was of course, please share them.

Over the next few days I will share all the questions. Probably a couple per day, depending on the length of my answer, some a bit wordy. But of course regular readers would expect that in my writing.

Most importantly I would love for you all to share how you might have answered or if you think my answer was complete BS share that too.

Prior to answering the questions I wanted to make sure the students knew they were not talking to a professional but merely a dad that had lived through the experience of an addicted loved one.

First of all I want to qualify my answers with the fact that I am not an addiction specialist, counselor, teacher or any other professional in the field of addiction. I am merely the parent of an addict that lived the experience of a son addicted to drugs for seven years. My knowledge in this subject comes from experience and reading. Anything I answer to your questions is borne of my experience and does not in any way construe expert or professional counsel in this subject. Just call me Dad; I am no different than your fathers and the millions of other fathers out there that would love their son through a terrible disease.

1. Do you think your son’s addiction has to do with his environment, or is it a disease?

This is like two questions in one. I am going to take liberties with this and answer it in two parts.

I certainly believe environment can influence experimentation with drugs and alcohol. However, I will not accept that environment is determining factor in the use of drugs. In my experience I have met addicts from rich and poor homes, religious and non-religious homes, broken homes and with married parents where both parents are in the home. Addiction does not discriminate; it is uniquely individual just as any other disease.

I do believe experimentation with drugs can strongly be influenced in peer relationships. What people perceive to be an accepted norm can become an influencer in choices and behavior. In the beginning experimentation or using drugs may be a choice, it becomes a disease.

Addiction is a disease. I struggled with this idea mightily for five years. I read and knew about the physiological changes in an addict’s brain and body. I’d seen pictures of an addicted brain and non-addict brain. I could compare and see the physical differences. Personally I couldn’t accept the disease model. In my mind, he made a choice to take drugs, simply make a choice to stop taking drugs.

I didn’t “get” it until one very bad day. I saw needles in our son’s room. We argued, screamed and cussed at each other for one hour. Fighting literally for a full hour at the very top of my emotions. Exhausted we both went downstairs and sat at the kitchen table. With my head in my hands and crying I begged my son once again to stop.

He asked me to play a game with him. He asked me to hold my breath as long as I possibly could hold my breath. During that time he said he would not think about drugs, getting drugs, using drugs, how drugs made him feel. He told me that I would win the game every time. He began to cry and begged me for help. He said he couldn’t even sleep in peace, he dreamed about and had nightmares about drugs.

At that very moment in time I understood. It was my light bulb moment. My son needed drugs as much as I needed oxygen. Simply asking him to stop would be as effective as asking me to simply stop breathing. That was when I internalized and accepted the disease model of addiction.

2.  What was your first reaction when you found out your son had an addiction?

Denial, denial, denial and oh, did I mention denial.

It’s just a little weed, boys will be boys.

Our first real acceptance that this was a problem was when the phone rang at 11:30PM while we were asleep. It was Overland Park Regional Hospital emergency room calling to inquire about our son. A young man without identification was pushed out of the backseat of a car onto the emergency entrance sidewalk unconscious and not breathing. The only thing on him was a book of checks with our name.

We were told that if this might be our son we should come as soon as possible. When we arrived he had been given Narcan and was conscious. This was really our first realization that our son was an addict.

A Woodworker Who I ADMIRE and RESPECT

Tommy MacDonald is a woodworker with a tremendous set of skills, plus his own TV show. Take a few minutes to listen to Tommy's story. It will inspire you and make you a stronger person inside.

My day of reflection.

I wrote about Tommy's story before and you can jump to read it here:

Breaking The Stigma, Thomas J. MacDonald

What If They Stop Using???

Annette on her blog wrote a good piece about patience on her blog. It's worth reading here, A Gift of Time.

It reminds me of my experience when our son entered recovery. Based on my learning through our experience change is not something reserved for our addicted children.

I've ask people before this rhetorical question, "If your son/daughter walked in one day and this was the day that they never used drugs again in their life are you ready? Do you know what to do to support them or are you going to be the same person you are today?"

What does it take to be a parent to a child entering recovery?

I'm not sure there is a laundry list I can write and then you check off the boxes as DONE. However. I can write about a few things I learned when my son entered recovery.

Patience is not one of my strengths. Patience is a critical virtue when dealing with a person in recovery. Many of them have been living a life of addiction for many years, this ship does not turn on a dime. They may stop using drugs on a single day but LIFE doesn't change that day just because they stop using drugs. We must learn a different type of patience. We must ALLOW them to learn.

Being a control freak has been a part of me for decades and I have lived six of them. We don't get to control their recovery because we know best. It's OK to exercise our own control issues but they have to be directed in the right direction, our self. I understand the urge, no the need we have to make things better. Better is support, not control.

Perfection is the goal of all us control freaks. We hate to admit it but personally we are not perfect. It's not fair to put perfection on someone in recovery.

Temper our expectations. True story, I once had a manager write on my performance appraisal at work, "Not everyone performs at Ron's level, not everyone has the ability perform at Ron's level. Ron needs to learn to set realistic expectations for his subordinates and himself." We must ALLOW them to learn about this new life at a pace they can accept and handle.

Support is very different for someone in recovery than it is for someone that is using. I often observed that our son began using as a teenager. When he stopped using he was a young adult. When he stopped using I often observed his decision making and maturity level more closely resembled a young teenager. Recognize what life is and do not try to live the life we believe should be. Support can be as basic a food, clothes and shelter. It can be as complicated as therapy, counseling or health and medical support.

Advice is best accepted when it is ask for. Open ended questions work better than statements. "It looks like you are struggling, how can I help?" "What are the things I can do that I don't know to know to do?" "How can we work on _______ together?" Most important, accept their answers.

There are a million other things that can come up day to day. Every one of them you argue with yourself. Should I or shouldn't I? Is this right or the wrong thing to do? Go back to the perfection paragraph and read it again. We will not be perfect. The goal is to be supportive.

This a journey both of you are taking. Both of you are now walking in the same direction, but do not forget that you are on different paths.

Grow In Our Knowledge, Grow In Our Life

When I look back to when we first discovered that drug addiction had entered our family we were dumbfounded and practically frozen in fear.

"What's the big deal, it's just a little pot. Boys will be boys", whispered by naive parents.

Suddenly a wake up call louder than any alarm clock on your nightstand. The phone rings, a strangers voice, someone from a local hospital, "Your son is in the emergency room, he was delivered to us unconsciousness and not breathing. You should come as soon as possible."

This was over 10 years ago but for me it seems like yesterday. Even writing this causes a tightness in my chest.

Back then we didn't know what to do. We got him into a rehab and we got ourselves into meetings. That's what you did, you searched out a NA meeting and you made sure your child went to meetings and we counted days. Terms like "enabling" "rock bottom" and "tough love" became common phrases in our vocabulary.  We lived the life but nothing changes. That's another one, "nothing changes if nothing changes."

Life got worse and worse no matter the number of meetings, rehabs, jail stints or anything else. And the meetings were not working for mom and dad either. At that time that was the only prescribed treatment by counselors, therapists and rehabs.

Mom and dad took a vacation. Before leaving dad bought another 4 books to read while laying on the beach while our son was at home shooting heroin into his veins. On the flight home I opened the fourth book to read. "Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading and Threatening" by Robert Meyers and Brenda Wolfe. On a 2.5 hour flight I did nothing but devour that book as if I was a starving man at a banquet.

Eureka, light bulbs began coming on for me. Addiction began to make sense. It was my problem, I am not saying NA and 12 steps were bad. I'm saying they didn't work for me. But, at the time that was the prevailing methodology and alternatives were not accepted. NA and AA had helped millions of people but it wasn't helping me or my family including my son.

After reading that book I began to try using the CRAFT (community re-inforcement and family training) methodology. My life got better but my son continued to remain an active addict.

Since that time so long ago CRAFT has become an accepted and in many areas a preferred methodology for the treatment of addiction particularly with young adults.

Dr. Jeff Foote and Carrie Wilkens further studied and scientifically tested the CRAFT methodologies. From their studies they wrote a book entitled, "Beyond Addiction."

I highly recommend both of these books for parents or loved ones of addicts.

The Partnership for Drugfree Kids endorses the CRAFT methodology. A few years ago I was ask along with 10 other parents from across the nation to come to New York and work with Jeff Foote to begin a charter program of parents helping other parents with CRAFT, the Parent Support Network. Due to the success of this program The Partnership has expanded the program and there are now parents trained in these methods located all over the nation. To contact someone about this call the Parent Helpline at The Partnership, 1-855-DRUGFREE.

As we all grow in our knowledge of addiction and treatments we grow in our own life. Just like in other areas of our life, if it works keep working it. If it's not working for you find something different that works for you. We are not all the same. The same thing will not work for every one of us.

Refueling

In life, whatever task you take on as a person you need fuel. Sometimes it is a burger, other times it may be water or a soda. But there are tasks we do that physical fuel doesn't provide the energy it takes to continue a particularly arduous task. There is fuel that energizes the spirit.

Below is the fuel that keeps me going to schools and cutting myself wide open to expose everything it takes to love an addict.

A teacher sent me this email:

On the final test. My last question was what was your favorite thing about the class? A certain speaker, video, project, unit, etc… and you my friend are mentioned in at least 25-35% specifically you. Then another 25-35% put just all the guest speakers. Fact of the matter is YOU MADE A DIFFERENCE IN A LOT OF THESE KIDS LIVES HERE AT EAST!!!!! Can’t thank you enough for the service you do.

Happy Holidays!!!

Jerrod Ryherd
Health Instructor
SM East Head Baseball Coach

If you are a teacher or administrator at a school or any community group and would like me to share my story contact me and we can talk. My e-mail is: teamplayer@aol.com

Paradigm Shift

Old joke when "paradigm" was THE word in business circles, when organizations wanted change there was always someone standing front and center shouting we need to shift our paradigm.

What's a paradigm? Twenty cents. (pair of dimes)

In reality a paradigm shift is when one thinks completely differently about an issue or subject that what has been expounded in the past.

I'm sure I am going to lose some readers and many may get angry but I am shifting my paradigm on addiction. Harm reduction has become a buzz phrase in today's recovery circles. When I was parenting an addict it was all about enabling and meetings. Today there are alternative methodologies. We no longer are a one size fits all group.

I am not advocating legalization of heroin or drugs. That is a step I cannot take or support. However, there needs to be some in between ground.

Borrowing from other countries I believe there should be Heroin Clinics in our country. It's about harm reduction. Annette wrote a very good piece about her experience being trained to administer Narcan. You should go to her blog and read Just For Today......

Too many of our children, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers and friends are dying from this epidemic of heroin. This is about keeping them alive long enough that maybe one day they can enter recovery.

I have come to believe that Heroin Clinics should be opened across the nation. Not to make heroin legal but to make it as safe as it can be made. Make these places a "safe place." Clean and sterile with clean needles, alcohol swabs and instruction on shooting safely. Have someone on staff trained on administering Narcan. Have someone there that can help guide an addict to recovery when they ask. It's about harm reduction.

When my son nearly died from a staff infection from shooting up and after 14 days in the hospital when he was released my daughter, a registered nurse, taught him and explained why alcohol swabs are needed and used before any injection. After that he made alcohol swabs a part of his "kit".

When I wrote about that I got many comments from readers about enabling and some even trashed my daughter that she was violating the oath of her profession.

At the time I was concerned about keeping my son alive. I had developed a philosophy, right or wrong that every single day thousands of addicts leave the world of active drug use never to return to that world. One of my jobs was to help keep my son alive until his day arrived.



ps.: There is life after heroin. Let's give more people the chance to experience it as my son has and as many others have.