Monday, July 28, 2014

Controlling my Control Issues

Sorry, I have been remiss in keeping up with my blog and posting regularly. My job is overwhelming right now but this is not the time or place for that discussion.

Right now I am on vacation with the family. Son, daughter and 3 grandkids at the lake. Things are great to be on vacation at least for 24 hours before I was tested.

Anyone that has read my blog long knows I began this journey with control issues. Ten years ago I knew if I exerted just a little more effort I could control my son's addiction and we would all be back on tract. Five years later trying harder and harder I finally got it through my thick, hard head that wasn't working. That's when I began working on me. If he wasn't going to get better I needed to find a way for me to get better.

Yesterday I had the ultimate test of my control recovery. We are on vacation and Tyler my 3 year old grandson, Alex's son, fell off the top of sliding board onto the dock. He broke his arm in too. Alex and Kristy rushed him to the local hospital while still in their wet swimsuits. I followed them a few minutes later with dry clothes. It was a very complicated break and he was then taken by ambulance to another hospital in a larger city 50 miles away where they had the resources and personnel to take care of him.

If that isn't a test of controlling your control issues then I don't know what could be designed more difficult. Picture this grandpa with his little buddy his arm is broken and he is in terrible pain and crying. Grandpa stood on the side offering support to Tyler and mom and dad just the way he should. Probably wouldn't have happened that way a few years ago.

This morning my little buddy is doing well. A cast but he is managing much better than I expected.

Thinking about last night it became clear to me what was happening with me during this crisis. The question, "Is this mine to control or is this mine to support?"

Wish I was able to have seen that question more clearly a long time ago when we were dealing with a son in active addiction. It seems so clear and so much more simple now.

For a parent with a child addicted and using we are NOT in control. We are the support crew and support can only be effective when the recipient is willing and accepting.

This all falls back to understanding OUR boundaries. Continually pushing against your boundaries and straining the rope to its breaking point often leads to unintended consequences, for ourself and our addicted child.

Last night I respected the boundary, I stepped into my role of support. In the end it made me proud to be a father and it made me proud of Alex and Kristy too.


Sandy said...

Thank u for clearly stating what I've been struggling with for 15 yrs. I finally accepted the obvious.. If she's not going to adhere to 2 judges orders, if she's not going to adhere to several top doctors recommendations, then she is never going to respect me either. So I'm letting go...what will be will be..but I must continue to help myself to overcome my own boundary issues concerning the difference between enabling & supporting.

Honey said...

Glad that your Little Buddy is doing ok. Thank you for your always insightful (to me) words. I have been reading you're blog for almost a year and find it very helpful. Like a "mini" meeting when I can't actually get to one.

Tori said...

That poor little guy. It is amazing how quickly kids bounce back.

I love what you wrote - control or support. Such a simple explanation for such a difficult situation.

I am sure isn't easy.

Her Big Sad said...

So glad that your Little Buddy is okay.... that had to be so hard to watch. Also, so glad and thankful that Alex is where he is today. What an amazing blessing!

Syd said...

I'm glad that your grandson is doing better. Poor little fellow with that arm. I know that all of you must have been stressed.

Control is something that I tried for years. I tried so long that I drove myself crazy. I refused to let go thinking that if only I loved her enough she would stop drinking. It was only when I was walking away and totally ready to get out of her life, that she decided to stop drinking and go to AA. Amazing. But I believe that the timing has to be right for both people. Somehow it was. I am grateful.

Animation training in Chennai said...

I like your post very much i had nice time while reading your post