Yesterday our son got arrested in a neighboring county at a large discount store that he had been told to stay out of because of past actions. Mom paid his bond and sprung him because of upcoming court dates. (can you say enabling) Dad and Mom are not at the same place on this. At least it was only $150.
Today Mom e-mails me that he is in jail today in our county. I don't know the whole story (doesn't really matter or worth caring about) but what she said was he was speeding and got pulled over and outstanding warrants. Mom says no bail today, he can just sit. (Real story I called the sheriff. Charged with: open container, driving on a suspended license, 3 outstanding warrants in two jurisdictions.) (Sheriff ask me if I needed bail amount and I told him, no, you picked him up you get to keep him, this ain't no catch and release. He just laughed.)
But in our county I am sure his car is in jail too so there will be tow charge and storage. I don't know what to do with the car. I will probably get it out and hold it for sale if he doesn't pay the charge to me. No sense in me losing the money to a tow company when I could put it in my pocket instead. (to get the car out of tow lot, $100)
Tell me from an addicts perspective what does follow the rules mean. We had that discussion last night when he got home. Addicts have got to be the stupidest f..king people on the face of the Earth.
The one thing he did listen too; I told him to never call me from jail again. He didn't call me. I guess I did reach him at some level!!!
????? Is it too late for an abortion if the fetus is 22 years old? ;-)
Maybe those online medical coding schools will provide the discipline and needed health education he needs.
36 comments:
What a mess. I am glad that you decided to let him sit.
I read the title on my blogroll and went WHAT!!!??? Incredulous, I think is the word, as to how I would be feeling if I were you. Your plan of action is good. Get the car, use it how you may. I hope Mom is doing okay right now. I will pray for you all.
Can't tell you the number of times I have asked myself that question regarding my own daughter... HOW HARD is it to follow the rules??? WHY does she think they don't apply to her??? In little and big things. Glad to hear I'm not the only one with that question. I think this is the first time I have read about it on the blogs.
Anyway, will continue my prayers for you, Mom and A.
Exactly. Pull the car, sell it, get what you can out of it.
I too hope Mom is ok. Maybe your son has taken her to the last thread. I hope you are ok too.
My daughter did much of the stuff your son has.
I had to give it all up, and let her fail/flail. I did my job the best I could. I could not enable her anymore and survive. I just couldn't.
She is doing well now, thanks, but I'm always on alert, holding conversations under a microscope and wondering...what next?
It's heartbreaking for sure.
Please take good care of you, though.
jw
I can validate your sentiment: No, drug addicts don't have any sense. The son of a friend of mine ran out of gas at midnight on a drug run. Cops come by and check it out. You have any drugs in that truck, son? Yeah. Well, guess what, you go to jail, truck goes to the impound lot. I mean, whatever, at least fill your car up before you go. Sad, but true story.
We follow our own rules. And they are stupid rules. and until we let God make the rules for us to follow, we are in deep shit most of the time. - from an addict/alcoholic :)
Geez. I had to read this twice to make sure I got the story - he was in jail yesterday and then again today? And he had an OPEN CONTAINER? Sigh. I thought he was doing really good these days...but then again I thought the same thing about my own son. And I was wrong, wrong, wrong.
Please give mom a hug from me, I feel like she needs one.
sigh. reminds me of the old peter paul and mary song,,
oh when will they ever learn, oh when will they, ever learn.
It is so hard to say no to our children no matter how old they are. Maybe it will do you son some good to sit in jail and think things over.
OH MY!
I don't think they are stupid...I think they are arrogant. The rules don't apply to them. Sorry for the stress.... and poor Mom. I get that too.
i understand why you would be upset with the situation but what probably makes you the most upset is that you really dont understand because you cant understand exactly what its like to be an addict and there mentality. its not always because they have the poor old me attitude but just a case off the fuck its.
alot of it comes from the attitude of there parents
such as the comment about having an abortion when you make him feel like a piece of shit thats how hes gonna act
just some insight from the other side
:-)
Anonymous, sorry about the joke you don't like but I got a new idea. Addicts, don't act like a piece and shit and people won't think you are a piece of shit.
just some insight from the other side :-)
not trying to be a smart ass but, it is what it is.
A rule for a normal: A line not to cross; a boundary; the difference between right and wrong
A rule for an addict/junkie: a means to an ends; an envelope to push; a line in the sand to be erased; a boundary for other people to follow; a bar to bend; a wrong only if you get caught; only applies when you are pretending to be sober; but ask them to break the code with their dealer or druggie friend- now that is a rule they won't break, a line they won't cross, unless it helps them out somehow.
Anonymous: The addict has already killed Mom and Dad's son.... an abortion would have saved the 22 years of getting to know and love a son who died so tragically to addiction- he is still breathing and living, but he is no longer the son they raised..... KUDOS to you DAD for writing the truth!!!!
BTW- I copied and pasted my comment as my newest posting!
It is just sad dammit! I am sorry Alex is choosing not to treat his disease. You and Mom hold each other tight tonight.
Yes it's too late for an abortion. You are going to have to live with the results of your parenting and reap what you have sown, just like your son. ;) or, you could get into a recovery program.
When does it ever end?? Seriously, we truck along thinking things are going okay and then we hit a bump. But it's just a little bump so we shrug it off and keep going. But then there's another bump and another and anotherT then before we know it we're totally derailed, off the road and in the ditch, without knowing how we got there. Sigh...
I'm so sorry that this has happened. the whole thing just sucks.
In response to Tonjia: Listen Lady, I take offense to your statement you have to live with the results of your parenting and reap what you have sown. It is so typical nowadays to make someone else responsible for your actions. Like Mom and Dad, I have raised more than one child, one turned out to be and addict and the other one, like Mom and Dad's kids is not. So for you to blame this on parenting is very poor judgement. How many kids have you raised? How many of them are addicts? What have you done as a parent to cause their addiction? Are you taking responsibility for that?
Bristovol,
Thank you for the support but Tonjia is the one to feel sorry for in this world of trying to parent an addict; because she is the one that is truly lost.
When a person falls back on tired old scripture to to try and change people and justify behavior then we all lose because there is not a light that can penetrate and shine into their dark and closed reality.
If I did get into a recovery program, as was suggested in her comment, then the first thing I would learn is the the 3 C's. I didn't CAUSE his addiction, I cannot CONTROL his addiction and I cannot CURE his addiction. For some reason that doesn't quite jive with the "reap what you sow" mentality of parenting.
So Bristovol, just have a cup of coffee and realize their are people that will post descenting comments. That is a part of blogging. In over 1.5 years of writing this blog I have only had to delete a 2 or 3 comments, that I think is a great record.
Tonjia: Many, many of us have several, even LOTS of children. ALL of us here have ONE who is an addict.
It's not so much that I take offense at your statement, I take offense at your lack of thought, your lack of knowledge, and your cavalier, quickly thrown out statement which lumps us all into one category, that of an "ineffective at best, or abusive at worst" parent.
I would honestly say that the majority of us are upper middle class families. Our children were involved in church, sports, good students, well thought of, leaders of their classes, and many of them were in the category of 'voted most likely to succeed' or whatever they call it now.
I personally, between biologicals, steps, grandchildren I have custody of and foster kids I have raised, am on my FOURTEENTH child raising.
Out of all 14 of those, many (the foster kids) who came from extremely abusive homes, most of whom had drug addicts for parents), only ONE. ONE SINGLE CHILD...turned to drugs.
So, I wondered...was it ME? Was it my parenting?
And all of my other children came to my husband and I and put us straight.
They all unilaterally said
It wasn't you. It was her. We all turned out fine, working, college, good jobs, productive members of society....etc.
I went and looked at your blogs. I'm sorry your sister is an addict, and I am glad she appears to be sober.
perhaps YOU blame YOUR parents for your sister's addiction, and perhaps you had a horrid childhood. However, there are hundreds of thousands of people out there who had horrible childhoods. They were beaten, emotionally abused, sexually abused and abandoned. Yet, they did not turn to drugs. They went on to rise above their upbringing and succeed.
What drives an addict to use is unknown. There are some who say it is genetic (then why aren't ALL siblings addicts too?) there are some that say it's a disease (where do you 'catch' this disease....and there are some who say it starts with a stupid choice, followed quickly buy a succession of other stupid choices, followed quickly by a succession of BAD choices..and WHAMMO....you have an addict in your house.
the problem is for use, we are NOT reaping what we have sown. Because we did everything the right way.
and our worlds have rocked. Some of our families foundered under the stress of having an addict. Some of us learned how to live with and not enable an addict, some of us learned to detach with love, some of us learned to detach, but lost the love.
It is your SISTER who is the addict. Do NOT presume to know what it is like to have an addict for a child.
And, don't believe what you read from active addicts either. They blame everyone and everything in the world for their using, except the real culprit, themselves. It is part of the addiction, lack of accountability.
So basically, STFU if you don't know what you are talking about. If you don't like or agree with what we put on our blogs, go somewhere else to read blogs eh?
No one forces you to come here and we don't need your negativity.
Dawn
Wow, I thought Tonja's comment was firmly tongue-in-cheek. Not very funny but...
Dad, it's a like being strapped into a roller coaster against your will. Things start to feel 'normal' again, and you think it's okay to exhale and then they decide to go and do a completely moronic thing.
I have swung from hope and despair quite a few times in the last 18 months with our addict. It's really exhausting.
I've read your blog for about a year now and Alex seems to be a slow learner but I am amazed at your growth and wisdom. Anonymous is way off the mark, and if anyone reads this blog from the beginning they would know that you haven't made any real effort to make your addict feel like a piece of shit.
I'm not very erudite at this time of morning so I'll just stop now.
There's only three words that describe how to help one another during the chaos. They are Love, hope and understanding.
The only place my family found love, hope and understaning was in our parent support group. No one outside that room truly understood our pain.
Perhaps this blog could be like that room.
Our children's disease will eventually bring all of us to a "breaking point" and once that happens recovery for the family begins but not before. We, as parents, have to learn from our own experiences and not from others. It is the consequences that we experience and learn from that lead to recovery. There is no other way. I wish it was different but the love we have for our children and the fear of the future dictates our actions until the late stage addiction period which usually brings the family to that ever elusive "Aha" moment.
Let us take time to pray for not only our own child but all the children and their families who suffer from this insidious disease.
I thought Tonjia was attempting a joke, though I too, bristled at the "live with the results of your parenting", etc... I saw the little "wink" symbol and figured (hoped) that some of her intention was lost in the translation to words on the page.
I agree with FractalMom on so many levels. In particular, I have been reminded by so many other addict friends of my daughter (addict friends who now have multiple years of sobriety) that hundreds of thousands of kids are abused, have cigarette burns on their bodies, were raped, were beaten, lived below poverty level, were bullied, were hungry, were abandoned, were orphans. And a huge percentage of them never chose drugs. And beyond that, the meetings are filled with those who came from "good" backgrounds AND "unfortunate or abusive" backgrounds..... who have chosen to realize that the past is the past. Like Dad's concrete sidewalk analogy, the past is dry and unchangeable. They chose to keep walking, and not get stuck in the drying concrete of their circumstances, but plod on, into fresh territory and make a sober life for themselves.
I long ago told my daughter, in a loving manner, "we did the best we could, and you were/are loved and cherished; you need to do the work now, to find out what makes you want to hurt yourself and derail yourself in this fashion." She herself has told me multiple times, and again in a letter from prison last week, "Mom, I had everything, and I've lost so much. I want my beautiful family, my dog, my church family and my future with Boyfriend. And it's no one's fault but mine that I don't have that right now, and that I'm here."
It no longer has anything to do with how I parented her.
But I'm rambling now. Sorry.
I will say, I'm so very glad Tonjia's sister is sober. I read her posts from time to time, and the sisters remain in my prayers. It's not easy being a sister of an addict either; my oldest daughter can attest to that. Addiction is an equal opportunity heart breaker.
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear Alex is having another "time out"! Hug Mom extra tight for me!
Dear Tonjia,
I have read and re-read your comment many times, along with other comments. Truth is I don't know if what you were saying was in jest or not.
If what you said was in jest I sincerely apologize if I have offended you with my comment and knowing Helga and Dawn I am sure they feel the same. All of us can be sensitive because this is such a sensitive subject. If you are speaking in jest please don't take offense and stop reading or commenting. All of us need you and I hope you find us to be of help to you too.
If what you said is something that you feel, please read more blogs of parents of addicts. I have read of parents that have done everything humanly possible to help their sick children. Not only in helping them with their disease but also in raising them as children. This disease strikes indiscriminately, regardless of education, wealth, religion or upbringing. The parents you read on these blogs are the ones that care the most. We seek help, seach for answers and relish in the support of each other. This is not a burden easily carried by one in secret. It's the parent that blames themselves for a childs addiction that is unable to help when the time is right because this disease will destroy more than the addicted if you give it a chance.
Wow...I see a can of worms was opened since my visit here this morning. I know Tonjia and think she has a pretty good understanding of addiction so her comment was probably meant in jest...but yes, the parenting part of the comment feels like a slap in the face. I can't imagine her saying that and meaning it.
I know what you meant about the abortion comment. I have often said if I knew what it would be like for Keven, I never would have had him. I don't say that from the perspective of not wanting to deal with it, but from not wanting him to have to live such a tormented life.
BUT...life is not over for our sons and even though they continue to make stupid decisions there is still a lot of potential for change and a good life. I know lots of "old timers" who tell stories of their youth and you think "this guy did WHAT when he was younger????"
I keep hoping that someday our children are the type of people that are good examples of how addiction does not have to end in death, prison or the streets.
Wow...25 comments...26 with mine. You obviously hit a bunch of nerves. I hope Mom hangs in there as my heart weeps for her and for you. I don't think it is arrogance, I simply think it is drugs and they lose control...completely.
You all remain in my thoughts and my prayers.
Yes addicts are indeed the very stupidest F*ing people on earth...and that is all I am going to say.
Oh and I agree with Dawn...Tonja STFU! I had to look it up but oh so very applicable in your case.
I'm so sorry Mom and Dad. Many of us (myself included) know this story all too well. Seems as tho you're travelling down the roller coaster once again. Darn it!!!
Consider this a part of the learning process for Alex. Now that J is in prison, I can see that he needed to experience all of the things he experienced in order for him to learn and grow. He's facing hanging out in prison for a full year, and its forcing him to think. He's learning from his mistakes and growing a little more each day. Will he be perfect when he gets out - I doubt it!!! Cuz as has been mentioned, addicts are the stupidest people in the world - and that is so true!! Once J gets out, he will be on parole - not probation. If you screw up on parole, they just throw you back in the joint! It remains to be seen how many times he'll get thrown back in the joint before "it" sticks. We'll see!
You're in my thoughts and prayers as always.
And I'm not even going to comment on Tonja's comment. Hopefully it was in jest. If not, she needs to think about what being a Christian REALLY means. Enough said.
as an addict, i never even would consider rules.. Silly stuff, they dont apply to me..
now being sober, i have lots of rules, guidelines, and boundaries..
Brother Frankie
"????? Is it too late for an abortion if the fetus is 22 years old? ;-)"
No surprise your child became a troubled addict with so-called caring parents like you.
ending up in jail twice has nothing to do with drugs, it's the fault of ignorant, unloving parents like yourself.
So yeah, leave him out on the street if that's what you think is neccesary so he will be DEAD within a month, everybody's happy and you can go on with your lives.
disgusting.
Dear AA,
You are so ignorant of this subject it is a shame you even take the time to comment.
I feel awful about the hurtful comments from AA and Tonjia. All a parent who is walking this walk could even begin to understand. So sorry people are saying these awful things to both of you!
Thank you Erin, I have thick skin. The reality is I feel sorry that they are so lost.
Having a son who had addiction and living problems has left me with a warped sense of humor. I now tell my kids, "You can call me from jail, just don't call me for bail." That is my boundary, for today.
♥namaste♥
Kim,
A warped sense of humor is the only thing that keeps you going or you'd spend all your time crying.
Some people just don't get it.
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