Monday, October 19, 2009

Where Did He Go?

I guess our son is now in the custody of the Kansas Department of Corrections in El Dorado, KS. He is no longer listed under the county jail inmates and his last call he said he was probably going to transferred.

His impression is that he is still scheduled to be released on Nov. 29 but from what Mom and I see it could be not until Feb. 2010. I guess it really doesn't matter much after his release by Johnson County, then Wyandotte County wants him. This warrant rolling is insidious but he did it to himself so it is hard for me to work up a lot of sympathy. After all, all of his troubles are a direct result of his actions while using and everything he has done is in direct conflict to what we worked our lives to teach him while he was growing up. Reconciling that is the hardest part of this issue. Did he not listen to ANYTHING we said while he was young?

Mom seems to struggle with her frustration of the legal system. She doesn't understand why the system is so antiquated concerning communications. I really don't either but my philosophy is that "it is what it is", her mindset is more personal to her baby. The actual truth is if my company operated as inefficiently as the court systems across boundaries we would be out of business. My feeling is they operate so inefficiently and are so obtuse because they can, or they do not know better cause they are just government employees feeding at the taxpayer trough and have no incentive to get better.

There are many things coming up to distract us from our son's issues. I am more focused on my little granddaughters first birthday this week.

Maybe this seems cold and callous but I take advantage of his being incarcerated by putting his everyday life out of my realm of concern. His food, shelter and behavior is someone elses concern now. There is going to be a day soon ??? that he will be released. Right now I don't yet have a plan for my role or reaction but I know something must be done. I am not one that does things on a whim in these types of circumstances. What my role is as a father I really don't know, suggestions would be appreciated.


clean and crazy said...

you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing.
my sister is going through this with my nephew. he was incarcerated after being witness to a shooting, he knows exactly what happened and would not discuss this with the police. he was on probation for drug possession and while he is 18 he was on curfew, so the police came by her house at curfew to ask him some questions and when she told them he was at work, they went there and arrested him.
they wanted him to talk, he wouldn't, they PV'd him. now he is in jail.
personally i feel he is safer there and did this to himself, my sister tried to lie to the police and is now mad because they did what they had to to try to catch the bad guys.
one thing i have learned in recovery is this, the police would not arrest me if i was not breaking the law. the police are doing their job.
i am the big mean auntie who won't co-sign his crap. he reminds me too much of me, so naturally he thinks i hate him. i am very angry with his actions, but i do not hate him, my sister does not talk to me much about it because while she will sit there and try to justify blaming the judicial system the fact is, they gave that boy several chances and he blew it.
i am praying for mom to have some surrender and acceptance, while i doubt she is as much of a co-signer as my sister, this is her baby and we women deal with life a little different. i only hope if this ever happens to one of my children i may be graced with surrender and acceptance.
this is where the Serenity Prayer really comes in handy.
Happy first birthday!! wow, now that is what life is all about, remembering to live when our loved ones forget to.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I understand your frustration with the court system as I work for it. Many of the court workers are jaded and the theory innocent before proven guilty is often much of a joke to many. It is difficult at best for me to reconcile my working life with my personal life considering the circumstances. There are many court worker's who understand our situations on a personal level though. We are under the direction of the Administrative Office of the Courts which can be frustrating. Depending on the county in which you live, the court situation will be different. Here in California, Southern California courts working with drug addiction is far advanced compared to far Northern California. I think it is so healthy that you acknolwedge that now is the time for a mental break as he is cared for. Good for you for taking care of yourself. On a side note, the private sector seems to be rewarded with hard work and inititive, while the public sector is rewarded with sitting in one position and being stagnant?

Annette said...

First birthday??! My gosh, have I been reading you for a year already? She was just born when you began blogging right?? So so blessed to have a baby in your lives.

As to your boy...I have no answers. For me personally I run things through the thought she an adult? Yes. Is her adult life any of my business? No. So unless I am invited to share my thoughts, I *try* to stay out of it and mind my own business. It is amazing all of the room that has made for me to have my own life.

But things are not good here right now, so you can take all of that with a grain of salt. :o)

Gin said...

I think you are doing what you can which is taking care of yourself. You have no control over what is happening with the legal system or with his addiction. Hang in there Mom and Dad.

Dad and Mom said...


I began blogging in January, she was born in October just before I began. It was a while before I intoduced her but she has become so central to my life.

Mom commented just a couple days ago, 1 year ago we didn't even know Brooke, today we can't imagine her not in our life.

LisaC said...

Your strength is a role model for many, including me. I know it is hard, but hang in there. You are taking the right approach...keep loving Mom...she might need a little extra from you right now.

Chic Mama said...

I can imagine it is so hard for you both......but also understand your feelings that he is 'being looked after' by someone else. Although they shouldn't be; the feeling of being responsible for them is overwhelming. Enjoy your granddaughters birthday.

Lou said...

I understand Mom (and your)frustration, confusion, etc. I have a decade of "legal intervention" behind me, and I have learned this. They know what they are doing, although it never seemed like it to me, especially at the beginning. What I didn't know is the judge has in the file in front of him all kinds of info about things our kids never got caught for but are suspect. All kinds of contacts with authorities that your kid never told you about (for instance, he was in the car when someone else got stopped or arrested). The judge knows what intervention efforts have been tried, how many drugs tests have been failed, how many fines unpaid.
Of course, our sons are charged with something specific, but all that information is in their ever burgeoning file. The judge can and does read that, and takes that into account in sentencing. If you are like me, you don't know the half of it.
I spent many years thinking my son was being railroaded. Actually he was given 3 different diversion programs before prison, and he blew all of them off.
My dad was a corrections officer, and he used to say "all the guys in prison are innocent. Just ask them!"

I do understand how it feels when you don't know where they are. You are both in my thoughts.

Athena said...

I understand Mom's frustration... as far as calling to get info on a child in jail. I haven't dome it recently, but when all of this started 2 years ago (just 2?) it was so frustrating being treated like "just a number"

I hope you hear from him soon - so you know.

Like you, I also rest easier when daughter is in jail...

God Bless the babies and their sweet distractions!


Gledwood said...

Drug addiction hijacks the addicted person into doing things they would not normally do... so it's not an issue of whether or not he "listened" to what you told him years ago... the issue is how desperate a drug-addict he became!

Syd said...

I only can repeat what I hear in meetings from other parents--you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Taking care of yourself is the best thing.

Marsha said...

That isn't too far from where I am...El Dorado.