Thursday, October 22, 2009

Found Him

I guess I was a bit premature in thinking we had lost track of our son. Our son called the other evening and told us he was still at the Butler County Detention. I went in to the computer after our conversation and it showed him still there but the page looked different. I guess maybe they had taken down that part of the site to make modifications and the default was just no information. We all know what kind or assumptions that leads to. With an addict it is ALWAYS the worse case scenario.

Our conversation went well. Dad has a real problem with not lecturing. I try very hard to carry on a normal conversation about whatever but for some reason I find myself always coming back to his addiction. I know it stems from my control issues but I am self-aware of that weakness so at least I am working on my issues. I also know that there is nothing in my mind that overshadows his addiction and my wanting him well again. I know what I'm going to hear from everyone but no matter what is right or wrong, I as a human sometimes want what is not mine to have. At least not right now, but as a human I also have within me the best thing going for humans and that is HOPE.

Alex is looking forward to getting out. I do not discuss with him what it is like in jail. I can tell he doesn't much care for it, he is always making plans and worrying. He tells me he is worried about getting job, worried about where to live. My advice to him was to end all non-productive thought processes like worrying and begin a concrete process of goal setting and the planning of action steps to make the goals attainable. His response was that, I had been telling him that stuff all his life and he thinks he might ought to give it a try. All I can do is cross my fingers.

He ask about one of his childhood friends step-mother. We found out she had cancer and told him she was not doing well last time he called. I told him she died a week ago. He was quiet for a minute. I told him that his life of drugs was stealing from him. I said the addiction was stealing the most precious thing he possessed, time. I said that Brooke was having her 1st birthday on Friday and that she will miss him very much and she didn't even know it yet because she didn't know him.

Life goes one while our addicts battle this disease. They miss so much but seldom realize it until it is too late. But for all of us that love addicts we must also remember that life goes on as they battle this disease.


Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I hear you on the lecturing part. It seems as though we have done it so long it just becomes habit and what else is there to talk about most times? I am starting to practice biting my tongue when I catch myself and even apologizing to him for doing it. I am glad you know where he is at, there is comfort in that knowledge. It is hard sometimes to carry on with daily life knowing how much our children are missing out on. I look back and I guess I missed out too on quite a bit, so I guess we continue to hold the hope in our hands and heart.

clean and crazy said...

i know what you mean about lecturing, i tend to lecture my daughter a lot!!
she usually looks at me like i am nuts and don't have any business trying to be her parent and that bothers me. but this post sounds so healthy, i am glad you are getting through this very difficult time in your life.

Annette said...

I love your last sentence...yes, life goes on for us too despite what our addicts may or may not be doing. Thanks for that very precious reminder.

Cat said...

A goal is a dream with a deadline - so good guidance mom!

Karen said...

I loved your last sentence, too...three others really spoke to me...

"With an addict it is ALWAYS the worse case scenario."
"as a human I also have within me the best thing going for humans and that is HOPE."
"They miss so much but seldom realize it until it is too late."

Thank you for sharing this...

Syd said...

I got lectured a lot too when I was younger. But I guess something worked because I turned out okay. Maybe the disease skipped a generation or maybe a lot of what my parents said sunk in. And maybe it was God's grace.

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

You have become, to me, that person who has so much common sense. It's a gift, and you express things so well. Having never met you, I imagine that you are highly intelligent and a very practical man. My point being-- and you have said this to me before-- we can see the solutions so clearly before us, while our addicts cannot. It's hard for people, like us, who have common sense to resist NOT lecturing. We so desperately want our addicts to see the solution!

I have read your blog, pretty much from the beginning. I hold you as a clear and exemplary example as a parent who is clearly not a co-dependent nor enabler. You serve to all who read your blog as an inspiration. You set an admirable example from a male's perspective.
(As a female, we are programmed to think more with our emotions.)

How blessed you are to have a daughter that you so obviously love-- and a grandchild! My son is all that I have. For now, he is struggling and I am trying so hard to learn how to let him go-- hoping that he will finally come around.

While I don't comment on every single one of your postings, please know that I read them faithfully. I hope that you might start some sort of real support group in your area. I think you have been given a gift that could bless so many people who are struggling with addiction in their family.

Thank you.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I thought you and several others had stopped posting but it was my feed reader!!! Now I need to get caught up. Glad you found A.

kberman said...

I love what you two are doing with your lives. You have truly become part of the solution rather than part of the problem.
As a recovering alcoholic (11/24/76), I have a suggestion for you both. Practice asking questions rather than making statements. Your son knows what you both think and feel about his addiction. That position doesn't need to be reinforced. Rather if you could find a way to help him with his denial, you might reap a reward.
Maybe ask him why he wants to avoid his feelings. Or what it is that he is so afraid of that drugs help him cope. you will be surprised by his answers. And let his answers be the end of the exploration. His words ringing in his ears will be much louder than anything you could add.
Love, Kathy

Cheri said...

Wow! Such wisdom and encouragement in these comments. Dad and Mom, know that you and your precious Alex are in our prayers.

Cheri and Wayne