Peace and Serenity?

Is it possible for an animal to find peace and serenity?

Our old cat, Bailey is not doing well. For the last few months he has be especially affectionate, always wanting to be on your lap or close. The last month he has wanted to go outside, he has never been restricted from the outside. When he was a kitten and young cat he was outside a lot always hunting and many times bringing back mice and birds. Then I don't think he went outside for over 5 years.

He has gotten steadily thinner this summer and stopped his grooming probably a month ago. He stopped eating about 3 days ago and now all he wants to do is lay on the rocks around the goldfish pond. This is where many of his successful hunts took place. For some reason he seems at peace. Is peace and serenity only a human characteristic or can an old cat find that place too?

Day After Day

Just a little update. I find I am not writing much about the day to day any longer. I guess when the drama and crisis lessens then the need to unload is diminished.

Alex and Kristy's baby is doing great. Tyler is just a little, squirming bundle of happiness. He is growing so fast. Already lifting his head up when he is on his stomach, which he doesn't seem to like much. We took him some of those black and white cards last night. He really seemed interested. It is amazing how those work. When Erica, Alex's oldest sister was born they were first experimenting with those and gave us some at the hospital and they really work. Even as small as Tyler is he was really intrigued and you could see his eyes following them.

Darlene is getting better after her emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix. Although she had a minor setback last night, we received the hospital bill, just the hospital, over $43,000. Someone should be ashamed. Luckily we have insurance. What about those that don't? We have a broken health care system and those that don't believe that have their heads in the sand. Or worse yet have been brainwashed by the industry and politicians.

Working on preparations for our annual Fall Festival. This is the 8th year. The invitations went into the mail yesterday. Any readers close the KC area let me know and I will send you an invitation too. As it says on the invitation, "Bring anyone you want with you, we love making new friends." We always try to introduce something new each year. This year I am going to construct a real size Angry Birds game. I am gathering materials to build the piggies area. Some type of blocks, boards, posts and ladders, Leslie had a good idea about painting milk cartons to look like the piggies. I know how to build a big slingshot, Erica and Leslie are going to paint up some red playground balls to resemble the angry birds. I hope this game doesn't flop.

Another new thing is a guy that works with me is a national tournament level yo-yo'er. He has invited a bunch of his friends in the KC YO-YO club to come and they have partnered with the KC Jugglers Club. A bunch of yo-yo'ers and jugglers are coming to Fall Festival and going to demonstrate their talents. I am really looking forward to seeing those tricks.

Fall Festival is something we really enjoy doing before it gets cold here in KS. The price of admission is low. The ticket price is you must sit for a picture. Erica and Darlene construct a photo book of each Fall Festival and family photos are a huge part of the experience. We post them all online and I was amazed at how many Christmas cards we got that had the Fall Festival family photo as part of the card. Erica said, the photo book this year is about 65 pages. I can understand why, with all the family photos and all the photos of the games and winners and kids playing. We always have all the years photo books on a table outside during Fall Festival and people are looking at them all day comparing years, new gray hairs and weights I am sure. Here is a link to last years photos: Fall Festival 2010

BTW, I read all the other blogs and I read where some of our kids and some adults writing their own blogs are clean. Every day I think about how lucky I am to be experiencing this life. Every day I hold out hope for every other child or parent that is fighting this terrible disease. Where there is life there is hope. When we look around there is life everywhere we look. Hope is every bit as real as you are reading this right now. My hope today is that no matter the circumstances you will find a moment of peace in your life and feel the love of those around you.

Assumptions

We all know what it means to ass-u-me but I was pretty bad about making assumptions based upon past experience. While my son was using my assumption most of the time was it would never end. A logical assumption was that every weekend there would be drama and a crisis, and just to stay prepared there was always practice dramas and crisis all through the week too. So naturally my assumption was that nothing would ever change.

After taking time I began to understand that my assumptions were destroying whatever peace that happened my way. It was a real struggle for me to get over my assumptions. I have lived my life with high expectations of myself and just about anyone around me. In my mind constant and consistent learning renews me makes me better, from that the natural assumption was that everyone would want the same. My assumptions were toxic to my well being and mental health.

Living life based on assumptions left me very little time for another even more important "A" word, appreciation.

Today I am better about dropping assumptions but I am still pushing myself to get better every day. As I work on that I am learning I have more time to appreciate life's rewards and struggles. I think of where we all were 12 months, 18 months or even 5 years ago and can better appreciate the place we are today. It would have been my nature to take things and people for granted.

Appreciation is slowly replacing ass-u-me. Appreciation is being able to just sit and watch my son play football and golf in the backyard with his sisters and brother-laws on Labor Day. Appreciation is seeing my son and daughters play games with the kids, forgetting that there is a 20 year age difference. Appreciation is the way a granddaughter grabs my finger, looks up and says, "Papa, swing me" or a tiny grandson that falls asleep when I hold him.

When I am able to release the turmoil inside I get these rewards. I think I have made a good trade. No matter what happens in the future I like this place better and I am going to try my best to remain there.

Anderson Cooper's New Show

I got an e-mail from a producer of Anderson Cooper's new show debuting on Sept. 12. They are looking for parents of addicts on the east coast, New York area or able to travel there on this Friday. She said they are doing a show on parents of addicts and would love to have parents in the audience to interact. 


If you are close enough and interested here is Shana's, the producer, e-mail: shana.slutsky@andersoncooper.com 

Here is her phone number: (212) 275-8929.

Shana ask me to publicize this to people reading my blog and 
might have an interest in attending the show.

New Partnership Post

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has published another one of my essays. This one is not just a repost of something I put on the blog.

My Sons Drug Addiction, What I Learned About Myself

Negotiating Recovery

We've all done it. Seldom, if ever does it work. We make deals, we are willing to sell our soul, our dignity and our future to an addict in an effort to stop the madness.

My efforts to negotiate recovery involved buying things, providing gifts, paying for medical treatment, rehab and rents. All this in a fruitless attempt to bargain away the addiction from my son. This all happens while we enable our addicts and deny the reality.

Then we begin to get smarter about enabling and stop wasting our treasures. But all that does is lead us to a  new phase of negotiating. We begin negotiating with our self. We whisper inside that if I see this and this and that then I can do this and this and that.

How do you negotiate with an addict that has no sense of justice or fair play? How can you negotiate with an addict that suffers from a disease that results in behaviors a sane person would deem insane? An addict will not and cannot negotiate away their addiction. As long as you indulge in negotiating with addiction you have everything to lose and there is nothing to gain.

So what's the answer? You must live in the world of a reality that involves seeing the picture as it is not how you want it to be. Stepping back and taking in the holistic nature of this disease and how it not only affects the addict but all those that they touch is the first step. From that place I was able to see that negotiating was hopeless. Then it came down to figuring out where I actually stood in relationship to the disease and my relationship with my addict.

At that point I began to understand what boundaries meant. At that point there is no negotiating. The only thing left is deciding where you can go and where you cannot go.

Parents

Us parents are an imperfect bunch, but we try really hard.

(just a reminder)

A New Moniker

No matter what my son has been called in the past by me or anyone else. The reputation, the names and the past actions mean nothing today because today he is saddled with a new moniker that will be with him the rest of his life, Daddy.

Tyler Alexander Grover

5:38 pm    8/19/11

7 lbs 1 oz

19''

Don't they both look good.

You Are Not Alone

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has launched a new program. It is called "You Are Not Alone".

It is parents talking directly to parents in short video clips. If you are interested you can check it out here:

I've done one video but I promised them I would do more when I get the time. It isn't easy. I can stand in front of people and speak naturally all day but as soon as that red light came on the video camera it was if a gun was pointed at my head. I'll have to work on my delivery.

Recovery Doesn't Mean Perfect

This post isn't about any specific action or thing. This is simply a reminder to myself and others that recovery doesn't mean perfect.

It's important that I think of my son and treat him as a human being, not a special case of someone in a weird place called "recovery". Human beings work, play, think, have dreams, wants and are free to do whatever they believe is important to succeed financially and spiritually. A person in recovery is free to live that life and it is important that I recognize that fact. A person in recovery must also be free to make mistakes and experience hardship just as the rest of us do each day. Without the freedom to live learn grow and make mistakes there can be no growth.

Through fear, past experience or whatever it is not fair for me to put unrealistic expectations on my son just because I fear the past so much. Unrealistic expectations not only hurt me they hurt everyone around me. I must not walk lightly around my son and I must not expect perfection. He deserves to be treated and loved just the same as my other children. Each of them are different and have different needs based upon their own lives.

The past is past, I will get better as learn to allow the past to be in the past.

Another Addict In Recovery

Here is another addict in recovery writing to help themselves and others. She has just started blogging.


Genrxation

Is It A Matter of Public Relations or Education?

This entry is about our children that die from addiction. Too many parents lose children from addiction and it is tragic, the pain affects us all but nothing like the parent that suddenly finds a hole in their life that will never be filled.

In our area we have had a number of teens die from automobile accidents, it is tragic. They make an error in judgement or do something stupid and the consequences are fatal. We see it here all the time, speeding, bumper tag, inattentive driving and yes, driving while intoxicated. Another parent loses a child. There are memorials, candlelight ceremonies, an outpouring of grief from the community. All in an effort to ease the grief and comfort all who are hurting.

We have also had young people in our community die from addiction. All is quiet. The family and friends suffer in silence.

We have all heard the comments whispered, just another addict. If they hadn't been doing drugs it wouldn't have happened. That's what you get doing drugs. But, no matter this was a child loved by parents and family. This was a child that did the same thing as the child that dies accidentally in a crash or accident. They made a mistake in which they could not recover.

I have come to believe until addiction comes out from the darkness and we recognize it for what it is our children that have made the mistake of using and becoming addicted there will always be a devaluation of a person suffering from addiction.

There is too much pain in this disease, why do we make it worse?

Recovery and Me Blog

Here is a link to a young woman with a young daughter working on her recovery. She has just started the blog and her few postings so are very insightful, raw and enlightening for me as a parent of an addict in recovery. Her story of getting busted and time in jail and prison is worth a read for any parent going through the pain. It's worth visiting. Please support her, plus her hometown of Warrensburg, MO is not that far from me.

Recovery and Me!

Contest Results

A few months ago I posted about SAMSHA contest for young people to make a short PSA video about substance abuse for national distribution.  http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2011/02/psa-contest.html

I just got an e-mail from Tracy Farmer with a link to the winning video:

"I Am More Than Meets The Eye"


For anyone that is interested in the 2012 contest here is a link to a video with information.

http://challenge.gov/challenges/128

A Dead End Road?

We just got back from the lake. My brother has a place on Table Rock Lake and we went there with the family for a few days. While we were there Mom and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. Nothing special just a day together.

While we were out of touch I saw that Amy Winehouse died. I don't know for sure but I assume from the circumstances it was from an overdose. Unfortunately this is the end of the road for some addicts. Never able to find the ability to seek or maintain a life of sobriety. The illness has too great of a hold.

But, this is not the road for all addicts. Whether her death makes a difference to anyone else we will never know but the truth is every single day thousands of addicts and alcoholics across the globe give up their using drugs or drinking. This is not a miracle this is just the way this disease works. All we can really hope for is that the addict in your life lives to see their day. Unfortunately Ms. Winehouse's parents doesn't get to see their daughter reach that day, but that doesn't mean your son or daughter won't.

Mom and I are lucky, Alex lived to see his day. He was one of thousands that made that step a year ago. Truthfully, we thought it was touch and go for a while but he did live to see his day. In fact I look back on what I told an emergency room doctor a few years ago when he gave my son less than 50/50 chance of living through the surgery he urgently needed. I told the doc in the emergency room prepping him it was our job to keep him alive today because every day thousands of people quit and Alex just hasn't reached his day yet. The doc stopped working for a second, looked at me took a deep breath and worked harder. Later the doctor told me he had never heard it put that way.

For those parents with kids struggling through this, no matter if they are 14 or 60 we all hope they reach their special day. The day they see the light of a profound experience.

It's difficult to describe how good it feels with Alex today and nearly impossible to describe how bad it was a year ago. Hold on to hope, take care of yourself and do what you can to support recovery when that day comes. Until then, where there is life there is hope.

Still Work To Be Done On......ME!

It's been about 3 hours now and it's taken this long to finally getting into rhythm here at the office.

Upon arriving at the office this morning I had a text from an associate in the plant. His message was that another associate, who I had just hired on Thursday would not be at work this week due to a family emergency. The new associates name is Alex.

When I saw that message I knew of no family emergency on my side of the family. Of course we are expecting a new grandson in a month, we all know babies keep their own schedule. I text my Alex, no response. I called my Alex no response. I called his mother and she got no responses form text or voice. Of course internal panic begins to grip us. We can see bad places in our minds but we are doing our best not to go there.

A co-worker asks me, "What's wrong?"

As I relate the story I am reminded by him of the new guy hired on Thursday, whose name is also Alex. My Alex is out there on the laminator where he is suppose to be on a Monday morning for work. Of course he doesn't answer our texts or phone calls, he is working.

Maybe it takes longer for you to naturally go to good places in your mind than it does to make a leap to the bad places.

Recovery

Some of us have children now in recovery. Some are still watching the tumble and dealing with their struggle. Fortunately, here in our home we are in the first group.

After struggling for so many years it sometimes seems strange to not be dealing with the constant crisis and drama associated with addiction. However, the new normal presents its own challenges, just as life always has a way to keep each of us grounded. I guess the real question is, "What is normal?"

Even without the addiction crisis and drama it is important for me to stop at times and consciously think about what I am doing and what impact my actions have on others, personally and globally. 

What are you doing in your recovery? No matter if you child is active or clean, what are you doing to improve your life and what do you believe/hope is the effect on those that you touch?

-  We are re-introducing ourselves to our son and learning about him. Showing him despite all of everything in the past it is just that, past. Forgiven, but not forgotten. It moves no one forward to re-live past pains and experiences so those feelings are now put on a shelf. Acceptance is a lesson I have learned. Accept today for it's own joys. 

-  Give without expectation. Giving provides its own reward. Giving heals more inside of you than any medicine or therapy ever could.

-  Model behavior that is congruent with your own values and beliefs. I don't know what our son believes now or what he remembers about the life lessons he was taught as he was growing up. Actions speak much louder than words, I try not to miss opportunities to demonstrate in life how I want to live based upon my own values. This is most important for me, keeps me conscious of what I am doing or not doing in my life and the effect it has on others.

-  Express appreciation. We need to tell people thank you. Family, friends and acquaintances stood by us and held us up so many years. They should hear how much we appreciate them shouldering our load when we needed help. That includes every one of you out there reading or commenting on this blog. Thank You All.

These are just a few reflections on my recovery. I'd love to hear from anyone about things you do. 

Fourth of July

Much better this year. No rain. No power outage. No plugged toilet. No water running down the hallway ruining the floor. no water dripping into the basement.

This year we had fun, no one "overindulged" and I think everyone had fun. Lot's of big booms and bright lights in the sky. Plus, son-in-laws, and nephews used their "special firecrackers" on one of my trees. There were splinters 30' away.

Remembering Last Year

As everyone is preparing for their Independence Day celebrations on Monday the 4th it makes me think about last years events at our house. (a reserved chuckle here)

http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/07/recovering-from-4th-of-july.html

We are hoping for no repeat of last year.

The Art of the Scam

I just finished visiting my mother. Physically she seems pretty good but the Alzheimer's is taking its toll on her. Sometimes she seems pretty good and decent and other days it is very confusing.

On the way home we stopped at the Quik Trip for gas. We were in Darlene's car and she was empty so I thought it better to fill her up tonight rather than her stopping on the way to work early tomorrow morning. I pulled into the pump and got out and was about to slide in my card and a Ranger pickup, kind of trashed, pulled in beside me and before I could finish sliding my car he didn't even get out of his truck he began his spiel. I don't know if he targeted me or not, we were in mom's Lexus so it probably didn't hurt.

His line was he was from Joplin, MO. In case you don't remember Joplin was the Missouri town almost destroyed by a tornado about a month ago. He told me that his alternator was out on his truck and he needed $7 to have enough money to get a new one and get home. I looked close for a minute at his truck then all of a sudden a guy at the pump right behind me that had heard the story ran up and handed this guy $30, a 20 and 10. Of course the thank you and bless you came pouring out of that truck. I looked closer he had said the alternator was out and his truck was about to die. Funny when I looked he had his foot on the brake and his brake lights were shining very bright. As soon as the guy that gave him the money turned his back to go bad to his truck the scammer turned the key and the starter spun like new. I'm not a mechanic but I have repaired my share of cars before and built my share of hot rods when I was a teenager. If the alternator was out and the truck was about to die then the battery would be the sole source of electrical power and at night when driving would kill that battery quick. No lights would burn brightly and no starter would spin like a top with a battery being drained from no alternator to recharge the battery. THIS GUY WAS SCAMMING!

I got back in the car when I finished filling up with gas and mom ask, "What did that guy want?" I relayed the story and her first response was, "Obviously that other guy had no experience dealing with an addict." She then wondered, "Why $7." We just figured that was probably pretty close to what a hit costs.

Our feeling then was how that guy was using the tragedy of all those poor people in Joplin that had lost everything they had and this guy was using their tragedy to soil their name and plight. But we know the story of what a scammer or addict will do to the generosity and kind heart of others.