I haven't been writing lately. There hasn't been much going on in our life other than the things I have detailed in previous essays. I didn't want to waste time for all that read this blog.
As a member of many Facebook groups dealing with addiction I have been reading about people struggling with forgiveness. When you are hurt so deeply forgiveness can be difficult to find and to extend.
I struggled at time with forgiveness. We all have heard many times that forgiveness is about ourself, not our addicted loved one. However, I learned to say many things while failing to internalize the words.
Eventually I learned to swallow those difficult words and those same words provided life giving nourishment.
If you have read much of this blog you know my penchant for breaking things down to a simple concept and symbolic gestures. One symbolic gestures of these I developed about forgiveness that helped me through some difficult struggles. I'll share here what helped me, no matter how silly it may seem.
You know what those copy paper boxes at the office look like. Big bold letters, "Hammermill" on the side. I pictured putting all of those things that I was carrying with me into one of those boxes. All of the stuff I couldn't understand and couldn't accept I put into that cardboard box. After I got it all of those things stuffed in that box and the lid put on, no tape or sealing the box.
After I get the box stuffed I set the box up on the mantle of the fireplace right in the living room. It's all stored away but readily accessible. I can get into the box any time I want but to do so I have to figuratively take down the box and physically open the lid.
When the time becomes right I can move the box to the back of the closet. Everything is still there in the box but it is no longer in the center of my life. I learn that the box can be close and accessible but stored away out of sight and sometimes out of mind.
You all know what happens to those things stored in the back of the closet. One day we get new shoes and a few new clothes and our closet becomes to jammed and those things we don't need every week get treated like everything else us "pack rats" can't get rid of but need to have close. That old "Hammermill" box gets carried to the basement and slid onto that top shelf.
One day when you move you may decide to take that box and set it out in the recycle bin. Maybe you hold on to that box and the day comes when you are gone those people you love the most finds that old box and box buried with you and forgiveness is granted.
Don't wait for others to share that box of forgiveness. Share forgiveness when you are able. It is so much more meaningful when you can share a gift through a smile rather than through tears.