Fathers Day and a Very Personal Decision

Today I have two very personal things I want to discuss and in that I want to express more thanks to people than it is possible to express either here or in person but I want to give it all I got.

First of all, happy Father's Day to my Father. My father died in 1982, I was 26 years old. When I look at myself I guess I can thank my dad for my gray hair, for being 5'11" the same height as he was and probably countless other genetic "hand me downs". But, the most important gift he passed along to me was wisdom. My father was a wise and thoughtful man. My father was a patient man, that I see now as one of the traits of wisdom. Sometimes when issues are especially difficult I can hear words or phrases from him in my mind. I am still learning lessons from my dad. It is the most amazing thing to a see dead man become smarter and smarter every day he lies in that grave.

An Update On My Son (family) On Fathers Day

This is going to a long update because there is a lot to say.

This has been a very hard week for Mom and I, maybe one of the most emotional weeks for both of us since this whole nightmare began. It has been hard between us together and hard alone. You all know what happened on the outside from reading, I may get too personal but this involves what happens to a father and mother trying to make a life or death decision.

Right up front I know some of you may agree with our decision and some may disagree. As I have learned through all of this there are few absolute rights and few absolute wrongs. The reality there is only life and those cards are dealt one day at a time no matter if you are an addict or just a lifer. We welcome and value comments either way.

We knew our decision was a life or death decision. We also knew without saying that each of us had to make that decision for our own self even before we could articulate what our feelings were inside. I don't know how mom made her decision but I am going to share what I went through and what we have done together this weekend.

I struggled, I didn't have an answer for this problem, I sought help. First I want to thank everyone that commented on my posts this week. I have read them over and over so many times I can almost quote your comments and impressions. This is one of the reasons blogging has helped me more than just about anything during this period in my life, all of you. I hope one day I can repay all of you with the right words at the right time as you have for me.

Also I spoke personally to others. I spoke with someone close to me that in her younger life she was a user and she was also a stepmother to an addict. She knows my son. I am going to share a thought that made an impression on my decision. She said, "Your son is a very smart person but I do not think he may have what he needs to be homeless and make the decision to turn around. He is a thinker and needs guidance, without some guidance and influence he is the person that will give up because he is impatient." Another person I know that is also struggling with addiction in his family said nothing other than, "How is Alex?" His point to make a special effort to inquire about my son in the midst of all of his issues actually said more than a here's what you ought to do type response. We went to dinner Friday night with friends, she has a son that is 31 years old and has been an active addict since his early teens. Just needed to be around someone of our own kind. It is easy to vent and be relaxed without explaining bizarre behavior.

Most importantly I want to thank my oldest daughter. Yesterday was a tough day. Mom was crying, I was angry there was nothing constructive happening other than I had taken out one window in the house and had a new one installed. We didn't know what to do and it seemed that there was no way we could get to an answer alone. Our daughter came over and mediated plus she had a vested interest in this, after all this is her only brother. She brought calmness and wisdom with her. What followed was a 3 hour discussion and an issue solving exercise that she suggested.

Leave him in jail, bail him out, throw him out of the house into homelessness, what are we going to do. We knew this was a decision that could have repercussions maybe for the rest of our lives, not just his life.

Ultimately in considering everything, including finding out that one of his dealers was actually considering bailing him out. Our daughter's counsel over 3 hours came down to if we don't do something then he will die. He may die anyway but you cannot leave options on the table never to be explored. Our daughter said, Alex is making deals with the devil, the devil needs some competition. We need to become Alex's devil. Give him a clear choice. She suggested we develop a list of specific behaviors that he must sign off. She said make it clear he does have a choice, that we a now OK with his using and leaving. Part on good terms and maybe one day in the future our paths may cross again, maybe not. We have become OK with our life. The physical part of our decision I want to share now.

Right or wrong we bailed him out of jail but on our terms. We exerted the control we needed on our life. I know we can't control him but we operate best when we have structure and this helps us, if it doesn't work for him that's OK. We are still at the same place.

Our daughter suggested our son be required to sign off on the expectations we have before even being bailed out. It was really quite odd. We made a list and had to pass it to the corrections officer to give to Alex to read and sign. The officer watched it all and I could see him reading over the shoulder, grinning, he then put his hands up and told our son, "Hey, we have nothing to do with this, this is between you and them." Pointing to us on the other side of the glass.

We made it clear homelessness is his next step. We wanted to put that reality in writing not just another threat delivered in anger. Below I am going to post his conditions that he initialed every line and signed and dated in full at the bottom. This "contract" will be posted in our home where we all can keep it in the forefront of our thoughts. Here is the deal our son made with the devil. I don't know how this will work but we hope to be a better devil than his drugs and dealers. His signed this deal with the devil.

___________ You will come clean on all activities that has occurred in our home.

___________ You will turn over every paycheck to dad and money will be allotted to you based upon a predetermined budget.

___________ You will supply a list of your dealers along with phone numbers and addresses, which will be turned over to law enforcement.

___________ No driving will be allowed until a letter from the state of Kansas certifying your license has been re-instated.

___________ No alcohol of any type will be consumed at any time.

___________ No drugs of any kind, including marijuana will be used at any time.

___________ You will attend and participate in family counseling with Dad, Mom and any other family members that is required or wants to attend.

___________ You will begin an active recovery program. (simply “not using” is not sufficient)

___________ An active job search for a second job will take place and a second job will be used to pay all debts.

___________ You are not allowed any contact with, (names omitted but specifically name every person we know he did drugs with) or any other known or unknown active addict, dealer or users.

___________ There will be no stealing or “borrowing without permission” from any person, home or commercial establishment.

___________ Monday through Friday the doors to our home will lock at 10:00pm. You shall be in the house before the doors lock unless work schedules require adjustments. Adjustments must be arranged in advance.

___________ No in and out to smoke or anything else after curfew time.

___________ Weekend door schedules shall be set at the discretion of Dad and Mom.

___________ At any time you may be required to produce receipts, signed papers or and other documentation necessary to justify your expenditures or whereabouts.

___________ I understand that violation of this agreement may result in us contacting law enforcement with charges being filed against you for violations of the law.

___________ I have read this agreement understand and agree to abide by each condition that has been listed. Additional conditions may be added at any time at the discretion of (names omitted).

When we got home, the four of us discussed every point on this list and told him the work on some of these points needs to take place over time such as lists but behavior issues begin NOW.

There is no way to know the future. He may or may not have a future but Dad and Mom wish to be have a future and we have realized our current life will not allow us that wish. Changes in us and him have to happen, one way or another. But we have to be able to live with ourselves and with our decisions. Today we feel like another beginning. (been there before but that what hope does to you)